Ash

by Julieanne Lynch

  She removed her glasses, set them down beside her notebook, and pushed her hair back from her face. It was the first time I noticed how blue her eyes were. She wasn’t plastered in make-up, aside from a little mascara and lip-gloss. Less was definitely more in her case.

  Connie looked up.

  I avoided her intense scrutiny.

  “So, you’ve packed . . . comics?”

  “I needed something to read if I got bored.”

  “Ah, so you can read? That’s something, at least.” The sarcasm rolled off her tongue.

  “Are we going to do this? Or will you continue throwing insults at me?”

  “Well, it’s going to be a little hard with you over there, but whatever makes you more comfortable.” Connie smiled.

  She was clearly busting my balls, and I kind of liked it.

  “Right,” she said, sitting up straight and opening a book. “You need to get reading, since you have an essay on Othello, and you need to know a few basics.”

  “Basics?”

  Connie raised an eyebrow at me and shook her head. “Well, you need to know what the story is about in order to answer the question.”

  “Which is?” I smirked.

  She sighed and opened up her notebook. Connie read a few lines.

  “Analyze Desdemona’s role. To what extent is she a passive victim of Othello’s violence? Describe how her character changes when she is not with Othello.”

  Her words went straight over my head. I was too busy staring at her mouth, and the way her lips moved as she spoke. How she took small breaths and paused before speaking again. She was, without a doubt, the most gorgeous geek I’d ever seen.

  “Ashley,” she said. “Are you paying attention?”

  The sound of her voice broke through my reverie, and I shifted in my seat.

  “No idea what you’re talking about, but you can repeat it if you want. I don’t mind.” I winked at her. “Oh, and the name’s Ash.”

  Connie’s forehead creased. “If you’re not going to take these study sessions seriously, I can ask Principal Boone to have you reassigned with someone else.”

  “Aww, don’t be like that.”

  “Seriously, Ash.” My name rolled of her tongue with contempt. “I take my education seriously, and if you don’t, then that’s on you, not me.”

  I opened mouth to offer her a smart retort. Raised voices coming from the doorway got my attention. I turned around.

  Andrés and his crew entered the library, tossing chairs, flipping paper off the front desk, and throwing books.

  “Excuse me,” one of the librarians said.

  Andrés pressed a finger to her lips and shushed her. “Just go and be a good coffin dodger, and let me see my boy.” He smirked when he saw me.

  “Ash, my man.” He walked over to where I sat and held a hand out to me.

  I stood, and we shook hands.

  He pulled me into his arms and hugged me. It was his way of making sure I knew who was top dog.

  “So this is where they are keeping you.”

  I cleared my throat and glanced at Connie, noting the look of irritation on her face.

  “Yeah, listen, man, I have to be here. You know the deal,” I said, trying to keep my voice low.

  “About that, Ash. Fuck authority.” Andrés stepped back and looked at Connie. “Ditch the stiff and come ride with us. We’ve a job for you.”

  Conflict swarmed through me. Sweat spread across the palms of my hands. My neck burned. Embarrassment was a new thing to me. I hated being put on the spot, especially in a setting that was completely alien to me.

  Andrés waited for me to move.

  For the first time since I’d gotten involved with his gang, I found myself unable to listen to him.

  “I have to stay, man,” I replied. “If I don’t, I’m going to wind up inside.”

  Andrés grinned and shook his head. “Ash, I don’t think you heard me right.” His face went serious. “That wasn’t an offer. It was a command.”

  Silence descended upon us. I didn’t know what to do or say. Aware of the repercussions if I left, a part of me wanted to stay with Connie. It was a fucked-up situation.

  Danny soon appeared. “Hey, Andrés,” he said. “I didn’t realize you had come back to school.”

  Andrés eyes burned with rage and stepped up to Danny. “I’d fuck you up now, only you might get pissy when I fuck your mom,” Andrés whispered loud enough for Connie and me to hear.

  Connie did the unthinkable. She scraped the chair back and walked over to where Andrés stood.

  “Listen, you arrogant piece of shit,” she said. “You don’t come into my school, pushing your weight around like you own the joint. Ash is here because he has no choice, and from what I gather, it’s all on you. So why don’t you and your lapdogs move on? Go rob a bank or score some whores down South Side.”

  Andrés sniggered before pointing a finger at her face. “Oooooh, I like you. Just know that you’re marked, puta.”

  “Andrés, she’s just a girl. Don’t be doing anything stupid,” I said, trying to smooth the whole thing over.

  He sneered at me before nodding at his boys to follow him. Andrés turned and walked to the exit, tugging the door open.

  Connie stepped out in front of me and shouted, “Nos vemos en el infierno, cabrón!” Her voice echoed throughout the building.

  Andrés stared at her and blew her a kiss.

  I grabbed her arm and glared at her. “What the fuck did you just say to him?”

  She looked up at me, shrugged, and giggled. “Oh, just a little, ‘See you in hell, asshole.’”

  That was the moment Connie Fletcher stole my heart.

  Danny let out a long breath before opening his door. “Right, you need some sleep, I need more beer, and your couch is mine for the night.

  There was no way of getting rid of him. To be honest, I was glad to have his company. He’d keep me from hanging off the edge, and I needed that in my life.

  The morning after the night before was always something I dreaded. I lay on my side and stared at the window. The flashbacks of my encounter with Sophia plagued my mind. Her sweet scent had imprinted itself on me, and it was hard to think of anything other than her.

  The door to my room opened, and Jake ran in, jumping on my bed. “Daddy, when are you getting up?”

  I pulled the covers back, and he climbed in beside me. “Soon,” I replied, kissing the top of his head. “Let me rest my eyes for five minutes.”

  “Grandma told me to leave you alone,” he said.

  “Hmmm, Grandma is just making sure I’m getting my beauty sleep.” I hugged him. “But I’m never too tired for you.”

  “Uncle Danny is snoring,” he remarked, and giggled.

  “Yup, Uncle Danny and his big nose would give a pig a run for their money, huh?”

  Jake threw his head back and laughed hard. He was the best cure for a hangover.

  Still worse for wear, I got up and sat on the edge of my bed.

  Jake climbed under the covers, making animal noises as I nursed my sore head. It had been a while since I last felt like this.

  “Daddy.” Jake growled.

  I looked under the covers and peered at him. “Yup?”

  “When I grow up, I wanna be like you,” he said with a huge grin.

  Sometimes, the kid choked me up and left me in awe of his sweet, innocent mind.

  “And why is that?” I asked.

  “Because you’re my hero.”

  It took all of my stubborn, manly willpower not to break down in front of him. How could someone so small have such power over me?

  He crept out from under the bedding, wrapped his arms around my neck, and planted a kiss on my cheek.

  “I think you got me confused with you,” I replied, pulling him over my shoulder and cradling him like a baby.

  He stared up at me, his huge blue eyes opened wide, and sm
iled, “How?”

  “Because you’re my hero,” I said.

  “Don’t be silly, Daddy.” He giggled. “You’re a fireman, and I’m not a man yet.”

  “But didn’t you know that superheroes come in all shapes and sizes?” I feigned a shocked expression.

  He shook his head. “Nope!”

  “Well, guess what?” I said. “They do!”

  Jake pinched my nose, made a raspberry noise, and burst into laughter. Once he composed himself, he reached up, wrapped his arms around my neck once more, and hugged me tight.

  “I love you, Daddy,” he whispered in my ear.

  His words could have melted the coldest of hearts. He was mine and nothing was ever going to come between us.

  “Guess what?”

  “What?” He beamed.

  “I love you to the moon and back,” I replied, and pretended to wrestle him to the floor. “But I might have to take a detour by Mars.”

  “Mars?”

  “Yes, the middle of darkest space.”

  “Why?” His face grew serious.

  I sat up, crossed my legs, and took his hands in mine. “Because you get the bestest view of your eyes from space.”

  “Wow!” A look of amazement sparkled in his little eyes. “So if you can see me from space that means Mommy can see me from heaven?”

  “You bet she can. She watches over you all the time.” I choked back the emotion. “Think of her as your guardian angel.”

  “Wow, that’s so cool.” His little face lit up. He shouted and jumped to his feet. “Grandma, guess what?” he said, and ran to the door, disappearing from the room.

  My heart sank. I sat back against the bed, rested my arms on my legs, and cried. After my pity party, I collected myself enough to face my mother.

  She stood by the table in the kitchen, packing Jake’s schoolbag and frowned when I walked into the kitchen.

  “How’s the head?” she asked.

  “It’s been better,” I replied, walking over the sink and popping two Advil into my mouth.

  She stopped what she was doing and rested a hand on her hip. “You were in quite the mess last night.”

  “Yeah, I know. I can’t hold my drink like I used to.”

  “You need to speak to Danny,” she said in a flat voice.

  I looked into the living room and glanced back at her. “Why? What’s he done?”

  “He’s been snoring like some wild beast and his hands are down his pants,” she whispered. “It’s not appropriate.”

  I chuckled and sighed.

  “I mean it, Ashley,” she continued. “Wake him up and tell him to wash his hands.”

  This was another reason why my mother would always be a part of my life. She treated Danny the same way she treated me. He was like a thorn in her side, and as much as she’d grumble about his uncouth ways, she loved him like a son.

  I walked over to the door, peered at Danny, who was out for the count, with his hands down the front of his boxers. It wasn’t a pretty sight, but it was something I was used to, especially given all the time we spent together.

  “Hey, sleeping beauty, it’s time to rise and shine,” I shouted, and stepped over to the sofa to kick his foot.

  Danny licked his lips and opened one eye. He let out a moan of complaint.

  “Go away. I’m having a nice dream.”

  My mother appeared at the doorway, her eyes focused on me.

  I turned and looked at Danny, wrapping my hands around his feet and tugging at his legs until he fell to the floor, banging his head.

  “What the hell, man?” he shouted, rubbing the back of his head.

  “It’s time to get up, that’s what,” I said, trying not to laugh.

  Jake moved toward us and jumped on Danny.

  “Hey, kiddo,” Danny said, and tickled Jake. “Your pops is trying to kill me.”

  Jake glared at Danny and shook his head. “Don’t be silly,” he replied. “Daddy’s a superhero.”

  My mother chuckled.

  Danny couldn’t hide his amusement and laughed hard. This was one of those instances when a child owned the moment, and Jake reveled in the delight.

  “Right,” my mother said. “It’s time for school, Jake.”

  “Aww,” Jake whined. “I want to stay with Daddy.” He slid out of Danny’s grasp and ran toward me, wrapping his arms around my legs.

  For a split second, I considered letting him have the day off. I was a sucker for those eyes of his, but he would have a much better day at school than watching me nurse a sore head.

  “Nope, little man. You’ve got to go,” I replied. “Believe me, you will have much more fun with your friends than sitting here with me.”

  “But Daddy—”

  “No buts, Jake. You know the rules.” I bent down to his level and looked him in the eye. “Days off are for slackers, right? Not for big boys with big dreams.”

  “Okay,” he said, sounding defeated.

  “Hey, Jake,” Danny butted in.

  “What?” Jake’s shoulders slumped.

  “How about I pick you up from school and take you to the station later, let you see the guys?”

  Jake’s face lit up.

  I, on the other hand, cringed.

  “Can I, Daddy? Can I?”

  I sighed, looking at Danny, and then at Jake’s little face. “Okay, but you have to be on your best behavior, alright?”

  Jake nodded and hugged me. He then ran to my mother.

  “Bye, Daddy,” he shouted, and walked to the door with my mother. “See you later, Uncle Danny.”

  My mother waved at me before closing the front door behind her.

  Once they were both gone, I threw myself down on the sofa and let out a pained groan.

  Danny jumped to his feet, walked to the window, and scratched his ass. “Your mother loves to bust my balls.”

  I yawned.

  “Oh, apologies, if I am boring you,” he chided, grabbing a cushion and throwing it at me.

  “Shut up, you idiot. My mother didn’t appreciate the hand on your balls thing.”

  “Ah, that? Yeah, old habits die hard.” He smirked and sat on the sofa next to me. “So, how’s the head?”

  “Not good, man.”

  “You hadn’t that much to drink,” he remarked.

  I ran a hand across the back of my neck and raised my eyebrows. “It’s not the booze.”

  “Ah, I almost forgot, the sensual Miss Dubois,” he stated in a ridiculous sounding French accent.

  There was no getting away from this. Danny wouldn’t let it go, not until I stopped the pity party.

  “Fuck!” I closed my eyes.

  “Jesus, Ash, you have to let this go.”

  “How?”

  “By moving the fuck on and being a man.” Danny sounded like my father.

  I sat forward, rested my arms on my legs, and stared at the photograph of Connie and me on our wedding day. God, she was so beautiful. She had taken my breath away as she walked up the aisle. Connie had chosen me. Out of everyone she could have had, she wanted to spend the rest of her life me. Thinking about our vows and the amazing day we had brought on a sense of despair.

  “Sometimes, I feel like I will never be able to move on. I feel guilty if I look at another woman, nevermind fucking her. How am I meant to do this, Danny? I can’t see a future where I’m not a mess, or the grieving husband who can’t get his shit together,” I said.

  “You banged Sophia. Who gives a damn?” Danny replied. “What you do now is pick your ass up, go to work, and give the whole thing no more energy. Jesus, Ash, why do you have to be such a thinker?”

  “Because I learned from the best?”

  “No, my man, you’ve learned to live in a bubble. Nothing else matters. Jake needs you, but he needs a father who can function without beating himself up for stupid indiscretions, not this shadow you’re becoming.” Danny sighed and raised a
few valid points.

  “Then, why can’t I stop thinking about her?”

  “Who? Connie?”

  I turned and looked at Danny, shaking my head. “No. Sophia.”

  The light came on for the first time inside Danny’s head, and he suddenly understood. “Well, fuck me.”

  “Yeah, I’m a whole lotta messed up.”

  “Damn, Ash, has she really gotten under your skin?” he asked, his eyebrow raised.

  I nodded, slumped back against the sofa, and sighed. “It’s like I’m sixteen all over again.”

  “Uh-oh,” he said. “But at least this time around you’re not a complete asshole, right?”

  Danny looked at me as if he were trying to make me see the good in the mess I created. He knew me too well. There was no way I could stop myself from ripping my choices to shreds. I really was my own worst enemy.

  “That’s not good, not by a long shot. I mean, let’s look at it from my perspective, forgetting your wiseass knowledge,” I replied.

  He crinkled his nose and nodded, his way of agreeing to listen to me.

  “So, let’s say, I go into work, pretend that Sophia and me didn’t happen, but she gets all antsy and in my face. Imagine how that will go down with Joe, nevermind the guys. We’ve seen how fiery she can get, right? Whichever way we look at this, I’m going to be the bad guy. I’ve never mixed work and pleasure before, and it goes against everything I stand for. I’m the hypocrite here, and it doesn’t bode well with me.”

  “Okay,” Danny remarked, and scratched his balls. “I get it. I see it from your perspective, but answer me one thing.”

  “What?”

  Danny smiled, sat forward, and spoke in a low tone. “Was it a good fuck, a blow your mind fuck, or a never to fuck again kind of fuck?”

  Yup, this was, indeed, my best friend, and he wasn’t going to let me escape this one.

  “A good fuck,” I replied. “But it’s been a while.”

  Danny smiled, patted me on the back, and stood. “That’s my boy. Now if you excuse me, I think I will use the little boy’s room and take advantage of all those male beauty products you’ve been collecting.”

  “Knock yourself out,” I shouted after him.

  “Yeah, maybe. Depends on the mood.”

  Danny disappeared down the hall.