Ash

by Julieanne Lynch

  I set the container on the table and unzipped my jeans, pushing them down and looking at my limp cock. I had to do something to get this thing moving. I switched on my phone and scrolled to the videos I kept of Connie. I did not intend to look through the porn. Watching Connie suck me off would do the trick.

  I clicked play on the video, and low and behold, my member came to life. I switched off my mind to where I was and curled a hand around my cock. It felt weird doing it, yet the more I watched Connie’s head bobbing up and down on my cock, the easier it became.

  A little less than five minutes later, I shot my load in the container. It took all of my willpower not to cry out. It was the quickest jerk off session since I was a horny teen.

  I pulled my clothes into place and left the room. I walked up to the small desk and awkwardly handed my specimen to the nurse.

  She smiled and said, “Thank you.”

  Back in the waiting room, I tried not to look at the faces of the other couples. Every so often, a petite Asian woman looked in my direction and looked away when I smiled at her. Maybe it was the dragon tattoo on the side of my neck, or maybe it was the fact that she had an inkling of what I’d just done. Who knows? All I wanted to do was get the hell out of there, but no, that wasn’t going to happen.

  The door opened, and Marcy entered. She sat down beside me and smiled.

  “How much longer, do you think?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “I’ve no idea.”

  “Ah, I guess the procedure isn’t exactly simple,” she said, setting her bag down on the floor. “I’m a bit nervous.”

  “I find that hard to believe.”

  She gawped at me and frowned. “Ash, we both know there are some things that make me a little nervous more than others.”

  “But not much.” I chortled.

  “Very funny.” She nudged my arm. “How’s Connie anyway?”

  I sighed and stared at my hands. “It’s always hard to tell with her. She’s doing all this, and in a matter of weeks, they are removing her womb and beginning treatment. Sometimes, I don’t know if she thinks things through.”

  “Ash, we’ve all discussed the pros and cons of this. She knows what she is doing. All three of us do. We have to respect her decision.” Marcy glared at me.

  There were times I was glad Marcy was blunt with the truth. Lately, she seemed to be dishing out her take on the whole sorry mess. It was driving me insane.

  “Marcy Wilkinson,” a nurse called.

  Marcy turned and looked at the nurse before picking up her bag. “Here goes the old womb prep.”

  “See you on the other side.” I smiled at her.

  Forty minutes passed since Connie had gone down for the procedure. My stomach spun each time I thought about what she was doing. Here I was, a man in the middle, with two women putting themselves on the line, one willing to gift the other a child. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined our lives taking us to this place, but here we were, in a situation created by fate.

  Sometimes, fate was a cruel bastard.

  “Mr. Benton . . . Mr. Benton.”

  I looked up to find a nurse smiling at me.

  “You’re wife is in recovery. I can take you to her now.”

  I walked behind the petite nurse, relieved when she led me into a room, and I saw Connie.

  “Hey, you,” I said, and took her hand in mine.

  Connie was groggy. She blinked her eyes a few times, smiled at me, and turned her head to the side.

  “Ash.”

  “How are you? How was it?”

  “I can’t remember,” she said. “Is Marcy here?”

  “Yes. She’s having her little procedure done right now,” I replied, and kissed the back of her hand. “Once you’re fit, we can go home, and we’ll take it easy for as long as you want.”

  “Can we have smores?” she asked.

  “We can have anything your heart desires.” I kissed her again.

  A nurse checked in. “How’s the pain, Connie?” she asked.

  “It’s a little crampy,” Connie replied.

  “Well, I can give you some Tylenol with codeine for the pain,” the nurse said, and smiled, before leaving the room. She returned and handed Connie the medication.

  “Do you think all this will be worth it?” she asked.

  I found it hard to keep eye contact with her, but she could read me very well. There was no avoiding the question.

  “Let’s just see how everything works out after today,” I replied.

  “Does that mean you don’t have confidence?”

  I shook my head and squeezed her hand. “No, baby, I’m not. I just want us to get through the next week, and see how Marcy and the transfer goes. We can never predict these things. Remember what Dr. Vargo said?”

  Connie snapped her hand from mine and looked away.

  “Baby, don’t be like this.” I touched her shoulder.

  “Why not?” She looked at me with tears in her eyes.

  “Because I want us to be prepared for anything that may or may not go wrong.”

  She rolled her eyes and lifted a hand to her runny nose. “Do you even want a baby?”

  “You know I do, Connie. It’s what we’ve both wanted for so long, but you’re sick,” I said. “I’m just scared.”

  “Don’t you think I’m petrified?”

  “You are one of the bravest people I’ve ever met,” I admitted.

  “Well, believe it or not, this whole thing is scaring the life out of me. For the first time ever, I’ve no control,” she cried. “But I don’t want to miss out on the chance of us being a family, even if it’s just one baby.”

  Hearing her admit her fears sobered me up enough for me to know I had to shut up and man up. Our lives would be changed forever. How much, we weren’t sure. Nothing could ever prepare me for the long, winding path ahead, however.

  Michelle opened her purse and took out her phone. She smiled when she looked up at me.

  “Here’s a picture of the puppy. He’ll be ready in three more weeks.”

  I reluctantly took the phone and scrolled through the images of the cute little terrier. “Has Jake seen him?”

  “Oh, yes,” she replied. “We let him choose the pup himself.”

  “I bet he was thrilled.” I looked up and saw Michelle help herself to a cup of coffee.

  “Yes. Let’s just say he couldn’t contain his excitement.”

  Sadness crept in. It was hard when Michelle came over. She was a constant reminder of how I’d never see her daughter again. It was almost bittersweet. At times, I resented her, but I was grateful she was a huge part of our lives.

  “He’s so like Connie when he gets excited,” I muttered, gazing at the picture of the puppy in Jake’s arms. “Everything about him reminds me of her.”

  Michelle sat down beside me and touched my arm. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to saying I had a daughter,” she confessed. “Because even though she isn’t here, she is still very much alive in my heart.”

  Bile rose to the back of my throat, and I couldn’t breathe. The sobs were deafening as I covered my face with my hand. I tried my best to compose myself, but it was impossible. Not when everything felt like a wave pulling me under, and there was no way of me reaching the surface.

  “I’m sorry,” I muttered, wiping the tears from my face.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Michelle placed a hand on my back. “I start most days crying, just like I end them. I will never get over the loss of my baby girl, but I will learn to live with the loss. Just like you have to. We have Jake. He is Connie’s legacy. Never lose sight of that.”

  I stared down at my trembling hands. It was hard listening to Michelle, because no matter how bad I was feeling, nothing compared to the grief of a mother.

  “I know,” I replied. “Jake is my very reason for carrying on. Without him, I’d be a mess.”

 
Michelle smiled and looked at the doorway, where Jake stood, picking his nose.

  “I think Jake is the cure to all our broken hearts,” she said, and popped the phone back in her purse. “And as much as I’d like to stay longer, I have to get home.”

  “Maw-Maw,” Jake said, walking up to Michelle.

  “Yes, sweetheart?”

  “When I get the puppy, can he sometimes have a sleepover here?” Jake asked while digging for gold up his nose.

  Michelle looked at me with caution and gazed at Jake. “How about we talk about that once we get the puppy?”

  “Okay,” Jake replied, pulling a booger out of his nose.

  “If you don’t stop that, your brains will fall out,” I said, picking off a piece of kitchen towel before walking over to him and wiping his nose.

  I saw Michelle’s smirk as she riffled through her pocket and pulled out her keys.

  “Will my brains really fall out?” Jake asked as I cleaned his face.

  “Yes.” I chuckled.

  Jake looked at me, shocked. He touched his forehead before scrunching up his nose.

  “Silly, Daddy, it’s still in there.”

  Michelle laughed. “Your daddy is really, really silly, isn’t he?”

  Jake nodded and ran into Michelle’s legs, hugging her tight.

  Michelle bent down and gave Jake a kiss and cuddle.

  “I love you, Maw-Maw,” Jake said.

  “And I love you to the moon and back.” She lightly pinched his nose.

  Jake sprang into my arms.

  I carried him as I followed Michelle to the door. “Thanks so much for having him,” I said.

  “You know we love having him all to ourselves.” She touched Jake’s face. “Even if he likes to rule the roost.”

  Jake giggled.

  “What do you say to Maw-Maw?” I asked.

  “Thank you,” Jake mumbled, squirming in my arms. I set him down and he darted down the hall.

  “Anytime, sweetie,” Michelle said, and stepped out the door. “Are we still collecting him from school on Tuesday?”

  “Yeah, if you don’t mind. My mom is out of town until Thursday, and I’m on duty,” I replied.

  “I’ll see you then.” She kissed my cheek and left.

  Closing the door, I walked back up the hall and saw Jake sprawled across my bed, making sound effects. He was hilarious when he was in his own world. His little mind was a world of wonder, and I cherished every second I got to witness it.

  “Daddy!” he yelled.

  “What?”

  “Guess what?”

  “What?” I chuckled.

  With a serious face, he balanced himself on his elbows and said, “Did you know that girls don’t have balls?”

  I nearly choked. “What?”

  “Yup, they have something else.”

  “Okay,” I replied, wide-eyed and in shock.

  “Yup, they have holes.”

  Doing everything in my power to keep a straight face, I changed the subject quickly. “Wanna play Minecraft?”

  Like a bullet, Jake jumped off my bed and ran past me down the hall and into the living room.

  Sometimes, there was no preparing myself for the things my own kid said.

  Danny sat in his favorite chair and slugged at a beer. He flicked through the channels before giving up and throwing the control on the table.

  “I can’t believe I gave up my Saturday night for drinks with you,” he complained.

  “Really?” I asked. “If I remember right, I was heading off to bed. You turned up at my door with a pack of beer.”

  “Dude, you’re meant to pretend otherwise.”

  I smirked and shook my head. “Ah, we should not speak of said rejection.”

  Danny glared at me.

  I couldn’t help but pick on him. He had left himself open to the persecution, even if it was all done in jest.

  “I swear to God, she was so keen. She texted me a picture of her ass, and then she stands me up,” he said. “Like what the fuck?”

  “Maybe she got cold feet,” I replied, raising an eyebrow. “Or maybe she realized what a prick you can be and decided on a girlie night in.”

  “Not helping, man.” He shook his head.

  “Listen, you know how I feel when you begin messing with married women,” I said, the conversation turning serious.

  Danny shuffled in his seat and shrugged. “Yeah, I know, but damn, she told me they were on a break.”

  “Danny, you’ve got to stop and think every once in a while.” I sounded more like my father than ever before. “Someone is going to get hurt, and you really don’t want to be responsible for fucking up other people’s lives, right?”

  “Man, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time,” he admitted. “Maybe I need to see a doctor or something.”

  He was actually serious. It took a lot of restraint not to laugh at him.

  “Dude, the only thing you need to do is to get off Tinder and meet real women in the real world,” I said.

  “I do, most of the time.” He looked at me with a sheepish grin.

  “And most of the other time you’re a player.” I laughed.

  “Fuck you, man,” Danny said, and threw a few potato chips at me.

  Danny, for all the crazy shit he got up to, really wasn’t a man whore, even though I liked to push his buttons. He made some of the worst choices known to man, however, and I had to be the one to reel him in every now and then.

  “Listen, we both know what the deal here is,” I said. “This Lacey chick got cold feet, maybe realizing what she was about to do. You have to accept that. Move on and find a nice girl to settle down with.”

  “But nice girls are boring,” he admitted, and smirked.

  “Nice girls can be demons between the sheets, believe me.”

  Danny finished his beer and popped open another one. “So, tell me about Miss Dubois.” He raised his eyebrows.

  “What’s there to tell?”

  “Well, a little birdie told me that you drove off with her from the station this morning.”

  “I gave her a lift home,” I lied.

  “Nah-ah, I know when you’re lying,” Danny said, and pointed a finger at me. “Did you two fuck again?”

  Why Danny always had to turn his own car crash love life around to mine, I’d never know. He’d remain a persistent little shit until I conceded, but it wasn’t going to happen this night.

  “The truth is, I dropped her off at home. She went her way, and I went mine. Don’t always read into things.”

  “Fair enough,” he replied. “But I call bullshit on your version.”

  “Whatever floats your boat.” I chuckled.

  “Man, why do women have to be so fucking confusing?” Danny asked. “Why do you have to be so fucking confusing?”

  “That is the million dollar question, my friend,” I replied, and took a mouthful of beer.

  “I swear to God, was it this hard with Connie?”

  Connie, my sweet, beautiful, and sassy, Connie. Just hearing her name had her face floating in my mind. Nothing triggered the pang of pain more than when I was forced to think about her.

  “Connie was like no other,” I muttered, peeling the label off the beer bottle. “She had a cutthroat personality. We both know that.”

  “Ash, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean to bring her up.” Danny sat forward and held his beer with both hands.

  “Why not? She was a huge part of our lives. I always want to talk about her. It’s just that sometimes, it’s hard. I have my good days, and the bad. We both know that.”

  “Jake asks a lot of questions,” Danny remarked. “He also asks about Marcy.”

  Fuck it, I thought. “Yeah, the whole Marcy subject is a sore spot for me.”

  “I think you need to explain a few things to Jake, maybe prepare him for the future.” Danny looked at me with a serious expression on his
face. “I mean, you either tell Marcy to go fuck herself and cut her off, or you give Jake a reason why she is so invested in spending time with him.”

  He was always right when it came to the cold, hard facts. Of course, he made it sound so easy, but it wasn’t. It was complicated and fucked up.

  “If I cut her off, I’m the bad guy. If I let her spend time with Jake, she’s going to get too comfortable. Jake’s going to get confused, and everything I’ve worked hard for will come undone.”

  “Then, you need to get your lawyer involved,” Danny said, and stood, stretching his arms out.

  “Fuck that, Danny. I’m not going down no legal route. I need to figure out what I’m going to tell her. I don’t want to be making enemies and tainting Connie’s name with bad shit, you know what I’m saying?”

  Danny walked across the room and picked up a picture of Connie holding Jake when he was a baby. “She loved this kid so goddamned much.”

  “I know.”

  “Marcy will never love him the way Connie did. You make damned sure that bitch doesn’t fuck with your head, making you feel guilty over something that was said when times got bad.” He held the picture and stared at me. His jaw tensed as he spoke. “I mean it, Ash. I know you want to protect Jake and not lose friends, but something has to give. Marcy is going to keep pushing you until she gets her way. Hell, I know all too well what a conniving monster she can be.”

  A bridge had been burned between him and Marcy, and there was never going to be any way of them ever talking again. I’d long accepted that fact. It made my dealings with her even more difficult to talk about, however, considering Danny would never side with reason.

  “I’m going to contact her,” I said. “Even though it kills me saying those words.”

  “I guess this way you get to say what you want. Lay your cards on the table and let her know exactly how you intend on doing things from now on,” Danny said, setting the picture back down and grabbing his jacket. “There’s no room for being a nice guy here.”

  “You heading home?”

  I watched the expression on his face change. He looked tired.