Ash

by Julieanne Lynch

  “Ash, that is completely uncalled for.” Joe raised his voice.

  Marcy looked at him, and then at me. “It’s okay, Joe. I am used to his outbursts. The whole family is.”

  “Family? Are you fucking kidding me? You aren’t a part of anything.” I glared at her. “Can’t you see what she is doing, Joe?”

  “She warned me you would react like this,” he replied.

  “I can’t believe you are stooping this low,” I said. “And you claim that you loved Connie! You are nothing but a bitch with a chip on her shoulder.”

  “Ash, you can’t talk to people like this,” Joe snapped. “I think it’s best that you vacate the premises.”

  “So, just like that, I don’t have a job?”

  “You just need time. You need to heal. You need help.” Joe stood and stared at me. “God knows, you’ve been through a lot. Just take the help.”

  “Fuck you all.” I stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind me.

  Tunnel vision took over. I saw nothing but red in front of me. Blind rage controlled my every move. I hadn’t comprehended how far Marcy would go to get her way. I had underestimated her.

  “Whoa,” Danny said as I slammed my locker, moments later.

  “Get the fuck back from me, man.” I gritted my teeth.

  “I tried calling you, but the line was busy,” he said.

  “Yeah.” My anger swirled like a pool of sludge. “You could have given me the heads-up before I went in there.”

  “Joe told me to keep my mouth shut.”

  I grabbed my bag and took the keys to my truck out. “And when have you ever listened to anyone?”

  “He’s my boss, man.”

  “Yeah, well, as of now, I’m off duty until deemed fit.”

  He shook his head. “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, didn’t you know?”

  “What?”

  “I’m a fucking head case who can’t cope.”

  I walked away, ignoring my colleague’s eyes and left the building before I did or said something I’d regret.

  Marcy was going to pay, one way or another. There was only one way to put a bitch like her down, and it was going to get ugly.

  I drove like a lunatic, unable to get Marcy’s contemptuous face out of my head. I couldn’t believe that she sat in my boss’s office and told blatant lies. She was trying to ruin me, and I now accepted that she would do anything to get to Jake.

  By the time I reached Michelle’s, my emotions were all over the place. I wanted to cry, to bust my fist through a wall, right down to drowning my sorrow in booze. Jake was my first thought, however. I wanted to bring him home, lock the door, and pretend there was only him and me in the world.

  Michelle was surprised when she saw me. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I just didn’t feel well. Got the night off,” I lied.

  “Oh, okay. He’s in the yard playing with his trucks,” she replied, and followed me through the house. “Are you sure everything is okay?”

  “Yes. Why does there have to be something wrong?” I regretted my sharp tone. “I’m sorry. I’ve got a headache, and I want to take Jake home.”

  “That’s okay. I’ll go gather his belongings.”

  I stepped out into the yard.

  Jake’s face beamed when he saw me. “Daddy!”

  “Hey, my little man, ready to go home?”

  “You’re early.”

  “Yup, I decided I’d take the night off and spend it with you.”

  He ran over to me and hugged my legs.

  I lifted him into my arms and kissed his soft face. He smelled like toffee popcorn and strawberries. I smiled at my boy, the love of my life.

  “You’re the best daddy in the whole wide world.”

  “And you’re the best kid in the whole universe.”

  “Yes!” he shouted, and grinned.

  I walked back inside and took his bag from Michelle. I kissed her cheek, thanked her, and left the house. There was no way on this earth that I was going to let Marcy destroy everything I had built. I just had to figure out how to get rid of her, once and for all.

  For now, it was me and my boy. Nothing else mattered.

  By the time we got home, Jake had the bright idea of building a fort in the living room. And me, the big softie, couldn’t say no.

  We sat in our makeshift tent and watched the Lion King for the millionth time, feasting on cookies and chips. I loved days when it was like this. Me closing off the world, and Jake devouring every minute we spent together. We needed more of this.

  He rested his head on my lap.

  I gently brushed his hair. He was so soft and warm, and reminded me of the first time we heard the news that Marcy was pregnant. It had been such a happy time, and now the memory was marred with bad blood.

  “Ash,” Connie called me from the living room.

  I had settled down after a gruelling day on shift, and wanted nothing more than a beer, fast food, and my favourite shows.

  “Ash, come here,” she said again.

  I couldn’t ignore her forever. Pushing myself to my feet, I strolled into the kitchen, and saw her and Marcy grinning like idiots.

  “What?” I asked.

  “We’re pregnant!” they shouted, and hugged.

  I stood in silence, completely flabbergasted by the news. I hadn’t expected the eggs to take so easily.

  “Well, don’t just stand there like a dummy.” Connie beamed. “We’re going to be parents.” She ran over to me and jumped into my arms.

  I hugged her tight and kissed her. Disbelief ran through me. It was almost dizzying.

  Connie released her hold on me and held her hand out to Marcy.

  Marcy took it.

  My wife pulled her in close. “Group hug!”

  The three of us stood there, hugging for the longest time.

  Connie burst into tears.

  Marcy embraced her tight. “Don’t cry,” she said.

  “I can’t help it. I am so happy, I don’t know what else to do,” Connie replied. “You’ve done this for us. Not many would have even considered it, but you were there right from the start. How selfless can one person be?”

  “I did it because I love you, you dork. Giving you the gift of parenthood is just an added bonus to our friendship. You both deserve a little happiness, and if shitty diapers and no sleep is your slice of heaven, then so be it.” Marcy kissed Connie’s cheek.

  “Both of us will always be in debt,” Connie announced. “Shitty diapers and all.”

  “Hey, don’t I get a say in all this?” I joked.

  “Your little white soldiers did the trick, baby, and now we’re going to be parents. At long last.”

  Marcy had stepped up and given us the one thing we would be eternally grateful for. There was a long, strenuous road ahead. Connie and her treatment. Marcy and her prenatal care. They would need my attention. I couldn’t fail either of them.

  “So who wants Chinese for dinner?” I asked.

  Connie smiled.

  Marcy raised her hand in the air.

  They were predictable and I knew exactly what they would want. After all, I was the man who would deliver the goods. A little over twenty minutes later, I returned with the food, and we sat around the table stuffing our faces.

  Marcy sat back first, unable to finish her meal.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  “Yes, just . . . my eyes are bigger than my stomach these days,” Marcy replied.

  “Well, I have no problem with eating,” Connie declared, popping another egg roll into her mouth. “I’ll eat for two, and you just cook that baby of mine, nice and slow.”

  Marcy chuckled.

  I stared at Connie. She appeared fine, but I had a feeling she was holding back on me. She did this every once in a while. She’d put on a brave face, but underneath she’d be cracking at the seams, her false bravado wearing her down
.

  Once we cleared the food away and loaded up the dishwasher, Marcy grabbed her keys and bag. “Right, guys, I’m going to love and leave you. I’ve work tomorrow, and Lord only knows what I’m going to be dealing with. Thanks for dinner.” She smiled at Connie.

  “Thanks so much, Marcy,” Connie said, and the two hugged. “I’ll call by tomorrow after I’ve been to see my oncologist.”

  “Make sure you do. I need to know what’s happening in your world.” Marcy held Connie’s hand.

  I stood behind Connie near the door and wrapped my arms around her neck, holding her close to my chest. “Drive careful,” I said. “And if you need anything, day or night, just holler.”

  “You got it, Daddio.” Marcy winked and left the apartment, closing the door behind her.

  Connie pulled away from me and ran down the hall.

  “What’s wrong?” I called after her.

  She looked back at me and shook her head. Tears spilled down her cheeks.

  “Just leave me alone, Ash. Please.” Connie locked herself in the bathroom.

  I sat outside the door for over an hour, knowing she was more broken than ever before.

  Connie sobbed on and off for a while, and ignored my pleas to open the door. Treatment would be aggressive, and now with the news of the baby, we were facing the question we’d been denying ourselves for so long.

  I swallowed a hard lump as the thought of something happening to Connie flooded my mind. I didn’t want to think about it, but the doctors had warned us of every eventuality. We had to be prepared, but how could we? We would never be ready for what the future threw at us. We had to focus on the here and now, and everything else would be dealt with when the time came.

  “Baby,” I said. “Please open the door.”

  “Why?” She finally answered me.

  “So I can hold you.”

  “Just go away. Go out with Danny or something.” She sounded cold. “Just leave me alone.”

  “No!”

  “Why not? Anything is better than staying in with the cancer victim who couldn’t even give you a baby.”

  “Connie, you need to stop doing this to yourself,” I said, resting my head against the door. “God only knows what the next few months are going to be like. You need to be strong mentally.”

  “Are you saying I’m insane?”

  “You are impossible, do you know that?” I gritted my teeth. “Just open the fucking door.”

  The lock clicked.

  I stood and pushed the door open.

  Connie sat by the bathtub, holding her knees to her chest. “How can you love me?” She looked up at me with her gorgeous eyes.

  I knelt down beside her and wrapped my arms around her. “Because you are the only one for me. Always.”

  She rested her head against my chest and let out a long breath.

  There were moments when I could have stayed like that forever. The two of us lost in each other, holding one another, never needing anything. I hated that the cancer had taken so much from us already. I didn’t want to her to suffer anymore than she already had.

  I held onto her for the longest while. Neither of us spoke. I was content with that. We didn’t need to talk or discuss things.

  I knew how scared she was. She, on the other hand, had no idea of how petrified I was. I refused to let her see it. I needed to be the strong man she loved. There was no room for my selfish fears.

  “Ash?”

  “What honey?”

  “I’m scared.” Her voice trembled.

  “I know you are,” I replied.

  “I don’t want to die.” Those words alone sent a series of shivers down my spine.

  “I won’t let you.”

  “Promise me?”

  I hugged her tighter, fought the urge not to cry, and said the words no man should ever have to say during times like this. “I promise.”

  I stared at the blessing on my lap and smiled. He had been a miracle from the get-go. A permanent fixture in my life, nothing Marcy planned on doing was going to come between my son and me. Lifting him into my arms, I carried him to his room.

  He gently snored on my shoulder as I laid him down on his bed and tucked the covers around his shoulders.

  I kissed his forehead and whispered, “Sleep tight, my little man,” before leaving the room.

  I cleared up the fort, carried the empty bowls into the kitchen, and stared out at the night sky. There were times when I hated this part of the day when the kid was fast asleep, the television was down low, and nothing but my thoughts occupied my mind.

  I must have stood there for a good ten minutes before I decided it was time to sleep. I switched off the light and crept down the hall to my room, leaving the door open.

  After a hot shower, I climbed into bed and sunk down into the pillows. Nothing made me feel better. At least at night, when I was sleeping, no one fucked with me.

  The phone rang during the early hours of the morning. I fumbled for the light switch and grabbed my cell. Marcy’s name flashed on the screen.

  “What the fuck?” I muttered, and ended the call.

  I had just turned off the light when the phone rang again.

  Marcy again.

  I ended the call a second time.

  Anger swarmed through me. The bitch was intent on driving me insane. Was she that convinced I would fall for her games?

  My phone chimed. Two voicemails.

  A part of me wanted to ignore them. I was convinced the moment I’d listen to them, something would snap inside me. That wasn’t a chance worth taking, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was a glutton for punishment.

  I dialled the voicemail and listened to the first message.

  “Goddamn you, Ash, just answer the fucking call,” Marcy slurred. The message ended.

  Fuck you, Marcy, I thought, hitting the next message.

  “So you want to be a smartass, huh? I can play this game whatever way you want, Ash. We both know I always win. Your face was a picture today. I bet you weren’t expecting that, but guess what? I’ve got news for you. I’m not scared of you, or anyone, for that matter. And if you . . .” the message ended.

  I sat up, looked at the phone, and ran a hand across the back of my neck. The bitch was crazy. No one in his or her right mind would behave the way she was. And all for something that was never hers to begin with. I glanced at the clock. It was only after four a.m. Fuck it, there was no way I was going to get back to sleep, so I got up and made myself a fresh pot of coffee.

  I sat at the breakfast bar, watching the sunrise over the city skyline. This was the time of day when I was at the most peace with myself. Many mornings when I was close to coming off night duty, I’d steal a few moments, if things were quiet, and gaze at the hues of colours as they danced across the sky. It always made me feel hopeful, even on my darker days.

  This morning was one of those gloomy days. No matter how radiant the sun would shine, there would be a shadow surrounding me, taking all my sunshine away. I hated being like this. For a moment, I regretted not speaking up in Joe’s office. Maybe if I had thrown a few chairs and throttled Marcy in the process, perhaps that would have made me feel better. In reality, I would have looked exactly like the head case she was making me out to be.

  I sat in silence until I was sure Danny would be free. I picked up my phone and dialled his number.

  He answered the call in seconds. “Hey, man, I was going to swing by after I get off.”

  “You can still do that,” I replied. “Listen, I’m sorry for flying off the handle like that.”

  “You don’t need to mention it. I know that bitch has planted some kind of seed in Joe’s head.” I heard him sigh.

  “Yeah, apparently I’m not coping.”

  “Fuck, this is so wrong.”

  I shook my head. “She’s out to destroy me.”

  “So what are you going to do about it?” he asked.

&nbs
p; “We’ll talk over bacon and eggs,” I replied.

  “See you soon.”

  The call ended. I picked up my cup, refilled it with coffee, and made my way to the living room. I switched on the television and kept the volume down low, watching the early morning news.

  My phone chimed. A text from Sophia.

  Hey, what happened?

  I ignored her, unwilling to explain the whole sorry mess to her. She had other things on her mind, and introducing her to my shitpile was selfish of me. I rested my head back against the soft cushions of my sofa and closed my eyes.

  Just five minutes rest, I thought.

  The next thing I knew, Jake was jumping on my lap, demanding my attention.

  “Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes,” he shouted repeatedly, his voice thundering through my head.

  My eyes fluttered open, and his goofy grin greeted me.

  “Enough with the shouting,” I said.

  “Daddy, I want banana pancakes and juice,” he replied, holding his plush Mushi Monster up to my face. He was on a mission in getting his own way.

  “If you calm down and stop bouncing on me like I’m a trampoline, you just might get those pancakes.” I stared at him.

  He pulled a sullen face and scowled at me as his eyes narrowed. “Okay.”

  I groaned and sat upright. He was pissed at me. That much was evident from the look on his face.

  He pouted his mouth, folded his arms across his chest, and let out a few deep breaths.

  “Now, you were saying?” I said.

  He ignored me.

  “Jake, don’t do this. You know that when Daddy tells you to do something, you have to listen.” I was calm.

  He refused to look at me.

  “Hey, are we really going to start the day like this?”

  He shrugged and kept his eyes on the floor.

  “Jake, look at me.” I held him by his shoulders and stared at him. “Is that a smile I see?”

  He smirked a little, but still tried to scowl at me.

  “Come on, buddy. Don’t be a meanie. I know you want to laugh,” I teased.

  Jake was as stubborn as a mule, and reminded me of his mother. She was exactly the same way, but I always got around them both in the end.