“I know it’s tough. I’m sorry Seb. It wasn’t your fault.” Logan agitatedly ran a hand through his hair. Taylor was subdued for the first time since they’d left the forest.
“And Eva knows nothing about this, right?” Sebastian asked.
“She knows nothing. Her mother does,” replied Logan.
“So we lie to her?”
“Yeah. We lie. Say it was an accident. As far as she knows, her dad was on a fishing trip all this weekend.”
Sebastian looked down at the dashboard and felt sick. He was about to break her heart. He, Logan and Taylor piled out of the car. As soon as Sebastian’s feet hit the gravel pathway, he felt the familiar tug on his chest that he always felt when he was around Eva. As if a string was pulling him from the inside, always guiding him true and steady, to her.
Eva was in her room. There were stacks of study books weighing down her desktop that she had barely looked at since she arrived home. At the moment she was happy lying on her bedspread, letting the light summer breeze wash over her. The same feeling of contentment from last night had been growing steadily again since about two hours ago. She had decided not to question it, and just let it flood through her body unexamined.
The only worry was her mother. She had made her breakfast this morning, and had tried to put on a brave face, but Eva could see she hadn’t slept last night. Her father had been delayed on the fishing trip, but when Eva had tried to ask her about it, she had been shut down. The subject clearly made her mother anxious, so Eva decided to drop it. If her parents hadn’t been so blissfully happy together she would have been worried about an affair or something similar, but for all her father’s bad points – Eva knew he wasn’t the easiest man in the world, as much as he loved both her and her mother – she didn’t believe he would do anything like that.
Her contemplation was interrupted by the sound of a very familiar truck pulling up in the drive. Eva’s heart skipped a beat and she ran to the window, and looking down she saw Sebastian exit the truck with two other men. He was wearing a plain black t-shirt and jeans, his hair even messier than usual. She felt a delicious shiver unfurling down her spine: he looked even more heartbreakingly beautiful than usual. She heard the knock at the door and hastily ran to her dresser to check her reflection. Her eyes were a little shadowed from such a late night, but other than that she was okay. She shook her hair out of it’s headband and smoothed out some of the kinks.
She heard her mother open the door, and started making her way downstairs. Her legs felt a little wobbly, causing her to clasp the banister. She heard the group make their way into the kitchen, their voices muttering softly.
She stood for a moment in the hallway, composing herself before she opened the door.
“I’m so sorry Mrs Haywood. More than you know.” Sebastian was speaking to her mother. As she entered he turned to look at her, and for a split second she saw a naked glance of such intense remorse, regret and pain that it jolted her. The look was swiftly replaced by his usual mask of indifference, leaving Eva to believe she must have imagined it.
“Hi Eva” Taylor smiled at her uncertainly. She noticed he was with Logan, who was looking stonily at the floor.
“What’s going on?” Eva asked hesitantly. Logan was meant to be on the fishing trip with her father.
Her mother came toward her and embraced her tightly. When she drew away, Eva could see she’d been crying again.
“Eva, forgive me, I couldn’t find the words earlier. It’s you father - ” she was struggling to finish her sentence, her breathing coming out in ragged grasps. Sebastian gently interrupted, “Your father passed away last night, Eva, I’m so sorry.” He looked at her directly, his expression carefully blank.
Eva felt as if the floor had shifted away from beneath her, and she clasped onto her mother. White noise filled her head.
“I’m sorry, what, what did you say?” her words came out in a whisper.
It was Eva’s mother that answered her this time. “I’m so sorry. He’s gone. Eva, I’m so sorry.” She broke into heavy sobbing. Eva watched her, disorientated – she knew she should be comforting her, but her body didn’t seem to be able to move. Instead Logan gently took her mother into his arms. She clung onto him.
“How?” She directed her question at Sebastian.
“It was a fishing accident. He fell in the lake.” His reply was short, but not unkind. His eyes were watching her every movement, as if she were about to fall to the floor, or break down and start screaming hysterically. But Eva felt empty.
Internally Sebastian was a typhoon of misery and rage. He hated lying to her, hated what he’d done. Most of all he hated watching the light die from behind her eyes. When she had entered the kitchen he had been dumbstruck by her beauty. There was something that had changed, as if something inside her had shifted – a lightness that hadn’t been there before. Now it was draining out of her, and he was responsible for destroying whatever that light was.
“Your mother should get some rest. Taylor can take her upstairs. I’m going to wait outside.” Logan gestured to Taylor. The boy took her gently in his arms and escorted Eva’s shaking mother out of the kitchen.
She was left alone with Sebastian.
He stood, silently. Not moving a muscle, just watching her.
“Can I get you anything, or call someone for you?” he asked, breaking the heavy silence.
Eva almost laughed at that, clearly he wanted to be as far away from her as possible. The knowledge of that almost sent her over the edge, as a great ball of sorrow built up within her.
“No.” She felt a little blurry. Her breath started coming in short little gasps, as if a heavy weight was pushing down on her chest. She put her hand out to grab the kitchen counter, holding herself upright.
“Shit – you’re having a panic attack.” His voice came through to her as if he were standing at the end of a long tunnel. She heard Sebastian rummage through the cupboard under the sink, but she couldn’t see anything properly, and black shapes kept dancing across her vision.
Sebastian held a paper bag up against her mouth, “Breathe into this, and put your head between your legs.” He commanded. He stepped away and pulled out a chair, gesturing for her to sit down. She moved over, trying to catch and control her heavy gasps for air. They remained in silence, Eva slowly calming her breathing, and Sebastian standing a few paces away from her.
Eventually Eva removed the bag from her face and sat upright. She knew her eyes were full of tears, and felt vaguely ashamed of her emotions in the face of his cold exterior.
It took all the control Sebastian was capable of not to pick her up in his arms and hold her tight, gently caressing and kissing her pain away. He felt repulsed at his feelings toward her – if he wasn’t so violently in love with her he could have comforted her properly, like he knew he should be doing now, but was incapable of. As she sat on the chair, trying to calm herself, he could see she wasn’t wearing a bra. In response he could feel his jeans become uncomfortably tight around the crotch, and abruptly turned to face the window, away from her. He was here telling Eva that her father had died, knowing he was the cause of it, and yet his body betrayed him so utterly – his lustful feelings toward her didn’t belong in this moment. This moment or any moment, he mentally checked himself.
“Sebastian?” It was the first time she had ever called him by his name. He spun round, and their eyes locked. In that moment he almost lost all control – there was something about his name coming from her lips that spun his world on its axis.
“I – I feel like my heart is breaking, help me” The words rushed out of her mouth, and she burst into body racking sobs, each one an arrow of pain shooting through Sebastian’s soul.
Lucian chose that moment to enter the kitchen. Taking one look at Eva, he rushed over to her weeping body and took her in his arms.
“It’s okay baby, it’s okay – I’ll look after you.” He muttered soft nothings in her ear as he held onto her. Sebasti
an thought he was going to punch something. He wanted to walk over and rip the disgusting letch off her. He clenched his fists tightly and folded his arms across his chest, as if to imprison himself from movement. He didn’t want to cause a scene, he didn’t even deserve to be in her house, let alone stop her from getting the comfort she so desperately needed.
Taylor, Elliot and Felix had followed Lucian into the kitchen, and Sebastian felt a small amount of the tension leave him – Lucian wouldn’t try anything with the kids here. He was pretty confident that Taylor would happily knock him out if he did.
With a movement of his head he gestured for Taylor to join him outside. Once in the hallway he spoke, “Taylor – don’t leave him alone with Eva, you got that?”
Taylor didn’t even look surprised at the request, “Course. I’m good with Eva, I’ll watch her.”
“Good. Thanks Taylor.”
With that he left that house and joined Logan at the truck, “I need to get out of here.”
Logan nodded. “Did you tell Taylor to stay with Lucian?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t trust him with her. Never did, especially don’t now. Haywood was always blind to it, but the way his eyes would follow that girl around the room - ”
“Enough!” Sebastian slammed his fist down on the hood of the truck. He was immediately contrite – Logan felt the same way he did, “I’m sorry man - ”
“No need to apologise – it makes us all sick and angry. We’ll sort it out.” Sebastian nodded. It was definitely going to be sorted out.
7
The next day, Logan took Sebastian into the lumberyard to practise shifting. It was a hot day, the sun’s rays beating down relentlessly on the two men. They were both striped down to the waist, and Logan had insisted that Sebastian set aside his usual denim jeans for tracksuit bottoms. Logan’s chest and back were covered in tattoos, large intricate tribal symbols that snaked around his body, further defining his muscles. Sebastian, logging and cutting wood all his life, was completely ripped – every single part of his body appeared artfully created, as if he had been sculpted by a master with the ultimate depiction of man in mind.
The first lesson was limbering up; Logan insisted that the body needed to feel relaxed and comfortable within itself to allow for easy shifting. After a few routines, Sebastian felt the tension he usually carried around in his back and hamstrings lessen considerably. He was starting to enjoy himself, and the more physical exercise they did, the better he was able to get out of his head, and his morbid thoughts.
When they eventually got around to shifting, the last vestiges of disbelief Sebastian had were removed. Logan had asked him to sit on the ground, and “call up” his inner wolf by letting his mind wander within his body, and find the spirit there that would unlock the change. Sebastian had been baffled by his request, until, in the quiet of the empty yard, he had felt a small, repetitive tug deep within the pit of his stomach. It felt similar to the sensation he experienced when he was around Eva. He focused in on it, till the feeling grew larger, consuming his body. As it did so, his thoughts turned to her – flashes of images danced through his vision; her rosebud lips parting in a smile, a lock of her hair resting on the nape of her neck, her shapely legs moving across the diner floor, the way she had looked one summer’s afternoon in a white sundress, reading in the dappled shade. Then another moment, pure fantasy on his part, of her eyes, calling to him, innocent and wanting. Caught in the pleasure of that dreamy landscape, the change took over.
He felt his muscles grow stronger and leaner. His body lengthened, forcing him to fall forward into a crouching position. He could feel the hair on his head, jaw and chest grow till it covered his entire body with rich, dark brown fur. It felt at once completely strange, but also utterly natural – as if this was his body’s true form.
He looked up to see Logan smiling.
“I’ve got to hand it to you – I didn’t think it would be that quick.”
When Sebastian went to reply, the sound that came out was a thick growl. But the words he wanted to speak came through loud and clear in his own mind.
How long should it take?
“About an hour for a first timer – that was about five minuets,” replied Logan.
You can hear me?
“Yep - other shape shifters can, and your mate will be able to, when you find her. See if you can change back, should be easier this time.”
This is so weird.
Sebastian focused his mind again on his body, locating the strange tug again within the pit of his stomach. He transformed back again, swiftly. He felt a loss as he did so, in wolf form he had felt a connection to everything around him – the dry soil beneath his paws, the individual particles of air that surrounded him, and imagined he could hear the trees of the White Mountain forest whispering to him.
Back in human form he rested up against a set of dusty oil drums, and gratefully took the bottle of water that Logan handed him. He was covered in a thin layer of sweat, and his body ached as if he’d run for miles.
“It’s hard work the first time, but it gets easier,” said Logan, “and it happens naturally when we experience strong emotions – anger, pain, joy.”
Sebastian drank deeply from the bottle, finding relief in its coolness.
“I just don’t understand why my dad didn’t want this for me. It feels amazing.”
Logan looked uncomfortable. “Haywood requested you when you were only fourteen. I think your dad just wanted a normal start in life for you. A chance to choose your own girlfriend or wife, to get out of this town.”
Sebastian sighed, that hadn’t gone very well. No woman he’d ever been with could eclipse his feelings for Eva. “What’s this crow thing? My dad mentioned it, but I was a bit out of it,” he asked Logan.
“I guess he told you about the tribes right? All shape shifters find their counterpart – their crow, eventually. It’s how the line of shape shifters continues. Crows are always women, kind of unflattering comparison, right?” Logan laughed at his own joke before continuing, “My dad used to say they were the ones that bought the magic – they don’t shape shift themselves, but they enable wolf offspring to shift.”
“Do all of you have a crow?” asked Sebastian.
“I did. She passed away.” Logan’s tone became softer, and Sebastian could sense the heartbreak and overwhelming loss underlying his words, “But the boys don’t yet. Neither does Lucian – though he has a crazy belief that his is Eva.”
Sebastian felt his body tense, and an inhuman growl escaped from his lips. Logan looked at him in surprise, and then smirked.
“Oh. I get it,” he said.
“Get what?” Sebastian glared at him, his jaw clenched.
“Nothing man, just…nothing.” There was a beat of awkward silence, then Logan sat down beside Sebastian, stretching out his legs, and gave a contented sigh.
“Haywood refused to believe Eva was crow. What a joke – that girl’s full of this magic, anyone can see it – the way she’s drawn back here every summer? She’s got Beaver Creek blood in her, she just doesn’t know it yet.”
“She’s got a fiancé. She’s headed for better things, Logan.” It hurt to say the words out loud, but Sebastian knew it was the truth. And better, he thought, that she was with some rich, successful man than a low-life like Lucian.
“Maybe. Maybe things will change.” Logan smiled to himself, and stood up. “Fancy an afternoon hunt?”
Sebastian’s stomach grumbled in response, he was starving. The wolf in him stretched luxuriantly in anticipation, hunting right now sounded perfect.
8
Mom?” Eva peered around the dimly lit bedroom. She could hardly discern the hump on the bed, but it stirred at the sound of her voice.
“Eva?” her mother’s voice came out muffled and tear choked.
“I bought you a cup of tea.” Eva placed the cup on the bedside table, restraining herself from pulling the blinds open and letting in the sun
light and fresh air.
She came and sat down on the bed, and peered down at her mother. It was understandable, but she’d never seen her mother in this state. She was usually so well put together, always immaculate.
“Mom, I’ve called Auntie Jane to come and collect you.” She spoke softly, and reached out to stroke her mother’s hair, “I’m going to sort out the funeral, and speak to the lawyers – you don’t need to do a thing, I just want you to be somewhere where you can be looked after.”
Her mother made a mumble of protestation, but she clutched at Eva’s hand and after a moment whispered her thanks.
“They’ll be here in an hour, so why don’t you go and have a shower? I’ll pack.”
“Oh, Eva – it should be me looking after you – I’m so sorry, I just can’t - ”
“Mom – I know, please, you shouldn’t have to look after me, really, I’m okay.” She gave her mother a fierce hug.
As her mother walked towards the bathroom, Eva gave a small sigh of relief. It would be much better for her at her sisters. Auntie Jane had a lovely husband and two younger children that would be able to distract her, as well as give her the space to mourn without worrying about being a burden to Eva.
Eva was glad to be busy. She had a meeting with her father’s lawyer tomorrow, and the funeral arrangements would keep her occupied all week. She didn’t really think her father’s death had sunk in yet; she felt a loss at his absence, and had experienced her fair share of tears this morning, but she was ashamed to admit to herself that the thoughts that had been circling her head all morning were those of Sebastian Waverly.
She’d been embarrassed about her outburst in front of him yesterday, but worse that that was her uncontrollable yearning for him. She shuddered when she recalled how cool he had been towards her – unable to give her the tiniest bit of comfort, his distant assistance when she was having a panic attack was so bitter sweet; showing her that he was capable of being caring and attentive, but at the same time had absolutely no interest in her.
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