by Joan Kilby
Outside, Nate was instructing Ricky in the art of stacking split logs with the pointed side down so rain didn’t soak the wood. Grabbing a couple of chunks, she carried them over to the growing woodpile, walking alongside Cody. “I’m not sure we’re doing him any favors by enabling him to live in isolation.”
“I tend to agree but it’s his choice,” Cody said. “At least now he’ll get through winter in reasonable comfort.” He paused. “Mom said to tell you there’s a family dinner tonight. You and Ricky are invited.”
“Are you okay with that?” she asked. “I don’t want to intrude on your family time.”
“Of course,” he said casually and went on stacking wood.
Emotion swelled in her chest, a feeling of belonging. She and Ricky, part of Cody’s family. He couldn’t possibly know what that meant to her. She tried to keep her guard up but it was hard. Her infatuation with him had been growing steadily and no matter how much she tried to tell herself their relationship was only temporary she didn’t want to believe that. She wished she knew what he felt about her.
When they were unloading the wood, Nate went inside to speak to Trent. Ricky was throwing snowballs at trees and Taffy was running back and forth, barking joyously with every smash of white.
Cody brushed the bark and splinters of wood off his gloves and laid an arm around Kelly’s shoulders. Together they gazed at the smoke rising from the cabin chimney.
“I’m glad we did this,” Kelly said, leaning her head against him. “Knowing he’s stocked up for the winter with food and wood makes this place less of a shack and more of a home.” Cody didn’t say anything so she nudged him in the ribs. “What do you think?”
Cody’s breath mingled with hers in the chilly air. “You’re wearing rose-colored glasses. He’s a sick old man and he should be in better accommodation.”
“I agree, but admit it,” she said, burrowing a hand beneath his sheepskin jacket and under the layers of sweater and shirt to his warm skin, needing to make a connection. “No one could call you lazy and selfish today, not even you.”
“Are you trying to reform me?” Humor rumbled in his low voice and his warm breath gusted over her ear. “You should know by now that I’m a lost cause.” His dark eyes met hers with wry self-deprecation and tenderness.
She leaned up to nip his earlobe. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” His strong arms encircled her and drew her close. “You’re too good for me.”
Her heart fluttered like the last golden leaf from the birch tree as the breeze carried it through the air. She wasn’t just infatuated. She was in love with him.
Kelly snuggled into his embrace, into the cushion of his jacket and the coldness of his denim-clad legs. She looked past his shoulder to see if Ricky had noticed them entwined but her son was fully absorbed in scraping snow off logs to make snowballs.
Love. She’d almost said the word yesterday and stopped herself, not wanting to admit it. But it was true and she couldn’t deny it any longer. It had happened almost without her noticing. Only weeks ago she’d regarded him as nothing more than her entry back into the world of dating, a brief fling with a hot cowboy. Now, he was a man she wanted to spend her life with.
Her heart leaped ahead to walking down the aisle and to another baby—Cody’s child. Her mind leaped farther still and pictured them in a home of their very own, with a yard and a flower garden. A picture-perfect, wonderful life together.
Rose-colored glasses, you bet. Did he want the same thing? She wasn’t sure she had the guts to ask him. Then her mind flashed back to the rodeo website on the computer. Rodeo was what he wanted. He didn’t think about anything else.
Shivering she pressed herself closer to his chest as if that would make him stay.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, smoothing her hair.
“Nothing,” she said. “Just…hold me.”
Chapter Fourteen
That evening, Cody, Kelly and Ricky came up the back stairs for dinner in the big house, Kelly carrying the vegetable dish she’d made. Cody left Kelly in the kitchen with Linda and his brothers’ wives, Emma and Mia.
“Let’s see what the menfolk are doing,” he said to Ricky.
“They’re in the living room with the babies,” Linda said, shooing them both in that direction.
Cody led Ricky into the great room with the stone fireplace. Will and Alex’s little ones, Billy and Anya, respectively, played at the feet of three generations of Starr men—Nate, Robert, Will and Alex. Billy was walking along the furniture and Anya crawled after him. Taffy kept a watchful eye on the kids and gently herded them back if they strayed too far.
Ricky headed straight for the toys and soon got Billy’s attention by building a ramp for his racing cars.
“Come on, Bro.” Cody motioned to Garret from the doorway to the dining room. “While these guys babysit we’ll do the manly thing of setting the table.”
Garret joined him and opened the buffet to retrieve the good wineglasses used only on Sundays and holidays. “Things seem to be going well with Kelly.”
“She’s been great,” Cody admitted, setting out cutlery. “I would have struggled without her in those first weeks after the accident. Mom would have stepped up but who wants their mommy helping them out of their clothes at night? No disrespect.”
Garret chuckled. “That’s nice Kelly’s been able to help you but I meant, you two, going forward.”
For a moment Cody couldn’t remember whether the spoon went inside the knife or outside. “What do you mean?”
“Not sure how it can be plainer. You and her living together.” Garret got out the bone china plates. “You’ve cut in line, Bro. According to Mom’s grand plan I was supposed to get married after Will. But if you want to be next that’s totally fine with me, I’m in no hurry.”
“Married!” Cody shot a glance toward the kitchen and lowered his voice. “Is that what everyone thinks is going to happen? Because believe me, Kelly and I are nowhere near ready to—” He couldn’t even say it. “It’s just a fling.”
“Dude, you’re living together. Maybe you’re not going to do the formal thing but this is a big step.”
“She’s just here temporarily, to help out while I’m recovering.” Cody gave up trying to figure out the correct arrangement and plunked the knives and forks down any old way. “Once I’m all good, she’s moving out on her own. She’s already looking at rentals.”
“For herself and Ricky, or for all three of you?” Garret asked. “She won’t want to live below the in-laws indefinitely.”
“You’re not getting it. I’m not… We haven’t talked about…” Cody floundered. He didn’t want Kelly out of his life but making their relationship permanent? That wasn’t just a big step, it was a giant leap into the unknown. Cody’s shoes weren’t that big. His wings weren’t that strong. “She isn’t thinking in those terms.”
Or was she?
“Ah, love is blind.” Garret smirked and shook his head. “Your sling is off, you’re driving, I presume you can dress yourself now—although if I were you I’d hang on to the undressing thing as long as I could. Yet she’s still in your apartment and presumably in your bed. I’ve never seen you so contented-looking.”
“Contented is for cows.” Cody moved agitatedly around the table and crashed into his brother, sending a shooting pain up his arm. Wincing, he stared at Garret. “Is this what everyone thinks?”
“I know Mom thinks it. She’s happy that you’re finally settling down.”
“I’m not. I’m going back on the circuit first chance I get.”
Garret shrugged. “I get that you like the thrills and spills. I’m all about the adrenaline rush myself. But what you’re doing, man, there’s no future in it. It’s tough to support a family on what rodeo riders make. Even if you can, you’re never home. And what if you injure yourself again? Kelly obviously makes you happy. Don’t mess up a good thing.”
Cody didn’t reply. He loved family dinne
rs, all the more so because he missed a lot of them while away on the circuit. He enjoyed the good-natured ribbing with his brothers, his mom’s warmth and his dad’s strength and solidity. But, and this was a big but, he also dreaded them. Because he was the youngest, the rest of the family thought they could tell him how to live his life. As Garret was doing now.
Ever since he’d given away his prize money from Reno, it had gotten worse. Like they thought he’d gone crazy or something. Even though they adored Kelly and Ricky, even though they were proud of what he’d done, a part of them thought he was irresponsible. They would never say it to his face but it had to be true. Otherwise, why were they all trying so hard to figure out his future for him? Cody had nothing in common with Trent but he felt for the old guy, just trying to live his life, his way.
“Dinner’s ready!” Linda called as she carried the platter of aromatic roast chicken into the dining room.
Emma, Mia and Kelly followed, talking and laughing as they brought in bowls of steaming vegetables and heavenly smelling freshly baked rolls.
With a bit of shuffling, everyone found a place around the table, with the dads holding the babies on their laps. Kelly sat next to Cody but Ricky scooted over to find a chair next to Nate who seemed to have adopted the boy as an honorary family member. Nate said grace and then they dived in, passing dishes and laughing and talking all at once.
Alex and Emma talked about Emma’s heritage seed business, Will filled everyone in on the new cherry-pitting machine they’d bought so Linda could make cherry conserves on a larger scale for sale in stores. Garret mentioned he’d hired a couple of snow country guides so they could take people on winter expeditions into the backcountry. Even Robert, far from retiring as everyone had expected after his heart attack a year ago, was thinking of opening a second office in Cherry Lake, fifty miles to the north. Nate nodded approvingly at the Starr family businesses expanding in all directions.
“You could head up the Cherry Lake office,” Robert said to Cody with studied casualness as he helped himself to seconds of mashed potatoes.
Instantly, you could have heard a pin drop. Conversation abruptly ceased as everyone stopped talking to listen to Cody’s answer.
Cody felt his neck flush with heat as all eyes turned to him. “Why would you want me to do that? I know nothing about real estate.” And cared less.
Kelly laid a hand on his thigh. Usually he found her touch calming—when it wasn’t designed to ignite him—but now he gritted his teeth to stop himself from brushing her hand away irritably. Was Garret right, was she thinking about marriage? Why did that scare him so much?
“It was just a thought,” Robert said mildly. “Figured you’d be considering your options, what with your injury and all.”
“My options are simple,” Cody replied. “I’m going back on the circuit soon as I’m healed.”
“You can’t do rodeo forever,” his mother protested. “You’ve got to settle down.”
Garret caught his eye and lifted his eyebrows as if to say, told you so. Cody looked away. Of course he knew he couldn’t ride forever but he wasn’t ready to give it up yet. They weren’t concerned about his future. Rodeoing wasn’t a worthy enough profession for the Starr family. And they didn’t trust him to figure out on his own what he wanted to do.
“I could use an assistant in the orchard,” Will said. “It’s getting to be too much for me.”
Yeah, right. Will was the most organized person he knew. Cody ground his teeth. “Pass the chicken, please.”
“You’re an awesome backcountry skier,” Garret said, handing him the platter of sliced roast chicken. “You could be a guide during my winter season. If you’re free.”
Cody shot a deadly glance back at him. Garret knew very well that the doctor had grounded him for four months, which effectively put him off the circuit till next April when rodeo started up again. He was free, all right. Too free.
He felt Kelly stir restlessly at his side. She’d never said anything to him about finding another profession but was she, too, thinking he should give up rodeo and settle down, with her and Ricky?
“You should go back to school and finish twelfth grade,” Nate said with all the tact of the family autocrat. “Follow that up with business school and I’ll pay half your college tuition.”
“What about you, Alex?” Cody said, on edge. “Don’t you have a job in marketing for me?”
“Cody,” Kelly murmured.
“I’m sure I could find something for you if you’re serious,” Alex replied.
Silence fell, thick with tension. Great, he’d ruined the family dinner.
Cody rose and pushed back his chair, scraping loudly on the hardwood floor. He looked at each face around the table, all watching him apprehensively. “Can you all not understand? I’m perfectly happy doing what I’m doing.”
“For now,” Linda interjected. “But—”
“When I decide to do something different, I’ll let you all know,” Cody finished.
“We’re just trying to help,” Robert began.
“I don’t need help, thank you very much,” he said, exasperated. “Why are you so convinced I do? Do I have a big L for loser on my forehead?”
“Don’t be so touchy, man,” Garret said. “We mean well.”
“You’re a grasshopper,” Nate declared in his gravelly voice. “Live for today, don’t think about tomorrow. How are you going to support a family and pay back a mortgage when you could get injured and be out on your butt on a moment’s notice? That’s no career for an adult man. It’s no career for a Starr.”
More silence. Wow. He’d finally come out and said it straight. His grandfather had been dancing around the judgment for years but this was the first time he’d said it to Cody’s face. Rodeo wasn’t good enough.
He wanted to tell them how he felt when he was riding a bareback bronc or a bull that tested his limits of endurance. The thrill that rushed through him, the strength at beating back his fear, the power of controlling a beast many times his size, the pride at improving his skills and exceeding his personal best, then going one better, again and again.
Looking around at the anxious faces of his family, he knew if he tried to make them understand he would be wasting his breath. No matter how many prizes, ribbons, gold buckles he won, they would always see him as the family screw-up who needed guidance to be a fully formed adult. They would never approve of rodeo and nothing he said or did would change that. Their objections only made him more determined than ever to follow his dream.
He had other dreams, too: a ranch, a family of his own… But those dreams were out of his reach. He knew his limits.
“Thanks for dinner, Mom. I need to get going.” He touched Kelly’s shoulder and let his hand rest there a moment. It felt as if she belonged more than he did. For a moment that thought hurt so badly that he almost had to sit down again. The thought of losing her gutted him. And Ricky.
He glanced across the table at the boy sitting between his mother and grandfather. Ricky’s innocent face was puckered as he tried to figure out what the grown-ups were arguing about. Cody’s heart just about broke to think of letting him down. And he would. It was only a matter of time before he couldn’t be the man that Ricky needed him to be. What was he thinking? It was happening right now.
Kelly made as if to get up and go with him. He squeezed her shoulder once and released. “Stay and finish dinner,” he said, keeping his voice light. “I mean it. No one but me gets out of here before dessert. You haven’t lived until you’ve had Mom’s apple pie.”
“But…” Kelly started again to rise.
Her voice was drowned out in a clamor from his family telling him to stop and come back. He didn’t listen. They didn’t mean it. Sure, they sounded genuinely remorseful and concerned but it was too little, too late.
Just before he shut the back door behind him he heard his mother say with more hope than certainty, “He just needs some time alone to calm down.”
His own mother, who should know him better than anyone in the world, and she didn’t have a clue what made him tick.
Mind you, he wasn’t sure he did, either. Where did this black mood come from that made him want to erase their smug certainty that they had life all figured out? Why couldn’t he see past rodeo to that bright future he’d once dreamed of for himself? His grandfather was right—he was a grasshopper. Well, he was going to hop on out of here. Kelly would be better off if he left. It would save her the awkward task of breaking up with him.
Downstairs he grabbed his duffel bag and threw in a few changes of clothing. His hand paused over his lucky vest, then carefully folded it and laid it on top. Rolling his shoulder warily he was pleased to see there was no pain. It wasn’t quite up to full strength but close was good enough.
Before he walked out the door, he found a scrap of paper to scribble a note for Kelly. His pen hovered over the notepad. Thanks? Sorry? Goodbye? Wait for me?
He had no idea what to say to her. She was busy planning the next phase of her life, looking forward to a period of progress and stability. He couldn’t hold her back. She deserved the best.
In the end he just wrote, ‘Stay as long as you need. Go when you want.’
As he drove away he realized that philosophy pretty much summed up his life.
*
Stay as long as you need. Go when you want.
He’d left her. Panic flooded Kelly in a sense of déjà vu. She read Cody’s note again. There was nothing about where he was going or when he was coming back. Nothing that showed he cared how long she stayed. He assumed she was going to go. Assuming it without even asking her.
He didn’t want her to stay. That was the only way she could interpret his words. He was polite because he was always polite. And on the surface it was a generous offer for her to make use of his home for as long as she needed or wanted. But the underlying message was cold. Don’t be here when I come back.
She shivered. How had this happened again? How had she allowed herself to fall in love with a man who wouldn’t stick around? She’d thought Cody, despite all his protestations to the contrary, was different. She thought she’d penetrated his protective shell to the vulnerable, warm-hearted man beneath. She’d thought wrong.
