by Joan Kilby
“Mom,” Ricky came through the door. “Linda said to give you this.”
“Thanks, hon.” It was her casserole dish, washed, with a piece of pie in it. Kelly hadn’t stayed for dessert after all. But she hadn’t left quickly enough to catch Cody. Her eyes shut recalling that horrible moment when they’d all heard the sound of his truck departing. Conversation stopped. All eyes turned to her. Sympathetic, pitying, pained. Shamefaced at their part in driving him away but also resigned. As if they’d known all along history would repeat itself and he would let her down. It had only been a matter of time. And to think, only this morning she’d decided she was in love with the jerk. God, she was stupid.
“Where did Cody go?” Ricky asked.
Kelly turned away slightly and touched her fingertips to her eyes. “Away,” she said brightly if vaguely. “He had stuff to do.”
“When’s he coming back?”
“I don’t know.”
Seeing Ricky’s bewilderment, anger overrode her heartbreak. She didn’t know when Cody was returning because Cody hadn’t had the decency or the guts to tell her to her face that he was leaving. He hadn’t just let her down, he’d let Ricky down, as well. Cody knew how much her son looked up to him. He’d encouraged Ricky to get close. He’d encouraged her, too. Yes, he’d warned her he was a party animal, here for a good time, not a long time. But he’d been open and caring as well. She’d thought he’d changed. Again, she’d thought wrong.
“Call him and ask him,” Ricky said.
Kelly glanced at her phone on the kitchen counter. It was tempting to give him a piece of her mind but she didn’t want to have that conversation when Ricky was anywhere in earshot. She was afraid she would say things she would regret to Cody, venting all her anger and frustration.
Besides, it was up to him to call her. She wasn’t going to beg him to come back to her.
“Not now,” she said. “Time for your bath and then I’ll read to you for half an hour before bed.”
Cody obviously didn’t feel the need to call her. To be fair, he could still be driving. She knew he spent hours on the road at times, driving long distances to rodeos. Maybe when he got to where he was going, or pulled into a rest stop for the night, he would call. She listened for the phone as she read Ricky a story. It didn’t ring. The silence reminded her of all the nights she’d waited, lonely and frightened with a baby growing in her womb, for her ex to call. She’d told Cody about those terrible days. Knowing what she’d gone through, how could he do this to her? How could she have let herself fall in love with him? Hadn’t she learned her lesson the first time?
After she turned out the light, she crawled into bed with Ricky and curled around him, keeping him safe, trying to keep herself warm even though she felt cold through and through. Her heart felt cracked wide open, raw and bleeding.
*
The next morning after breakfast she broke the news to Ricky that they were going back to Reno. She hadn’t mulled it over; there was nothing to think about, really. She’d simply woken with the sure and certain knowledge that this was what she had to do. She couldn’t possibly stay in Sweetheart now that Cody had let her know in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want to be with her.
“No!” Ricky cried. “We live here now. I’m going to school and everything.”
“It’s not going to work out, honey, I’m sorry.” It was a terrible thing to do to Ricky and she hated having to move herself. She’d only been here a short time but already she loved the town. And she loved Cody’s family. She wished she could get to know them all better.
“I’m not going,” Ricky shouted. “I want to stay here, with Cody.”
“Cody’s gone away,” she explained. “He…he wants to be on his own.”
Tears burst from Ricky’s eyes. His small hands bunched into fists. “No, he doesn’t. He wants to be with us.”
And she wanted to be with Cody. But she couldn’t stay in Sweetheart where there were reminders of him around every corner. Where she would bump into his family and friends everywhere she went. She’d thought she could make a life here for herself independent of Cody but when it came to the crunch, she knew it would be too painful.
“What about Jordon?” Ricky demanded.
“Your friend at school?”
Ricky nodded furiously. “I’m going to his house after school today to play.”
“I’ll have to call his mom and cancel.” This was awful. Ricky had gone through all the emotional upheaval of starting school and making friends only to be ripped away just when he was starting to feel settled. “I’m sorry,” she said again helplessly.
“I’m not going,” Ricky insisted. “I’m staying here. Granddad said he’d take me fishing.”
“He’s not your grandfather,” she said as gently as she could through gritted teeth.
Then she went on with the joyless tasks of cleaning up and packing. She and Ricky should never have moved in with Cody. She should have taken a short-term rental and come out during the day if she wanted to help him.
Ricky stormed around the apartment, cried and raged and eventually flopped on the floor and moodily pushed his race car back and forth on one spot. Kelly found Jordon’s home phone and apologized to his mother for canceling. Then she called the school and explained that Ricky would no longer be attending, citing an unexpected move back to Nevada.
Finally, with a heavy heart, she climbed the back stairs and knocked on the kitchen door. Linda answered.
“Thank you for everything,” Kelly said, struggling not to cry. She wasn’t just leaving Cody, she was leaving his wonderful family, too. Although she had to admit to a measure of ambivalence after the way they’d ganged up on him last night. They wanted the best for him; they just didn’t know how to show it.
“I’m so sorry you’re going,” Linda said. “Are you sure about this? Come in and have a cup of coffee first.”
And get talked into giving Cody one more chance? No way.
“Thank you but it’s a long drive and I need to get started,” Kelly said. “I don’t know if I’ll see you again but I wanted you to know how much Ricky and I appreciated your warmth. We’re going to miss Sweetheart.”
“You and your son are welcome in our house anytime.” Linda hugged her and clung for a moment. “I’m so sorry things didn’t work out between you and Cody. You would have been good for him.”
Kelly swallowed and managed a smile for this kind, empathetic woman she would have loved to have as a mother-in-law. “We’re just friends, really. It’s not…we weren’t…” She had to suck in a breath. “It is what it is. I can’t say he didn’t warn me.”
“He’s a good person, really,” Linda said, searching Kelly’s face with a worried frown. “I feel so badly that we were so hard on him at dinner last night. We try to run his life all the time and it’s not fair.”
“He doesn’t like being told what to do,” Kelly said unhappily.
“I suppose we still see him as the little one, forgetting that he’s a grown man and has been supporting himself basically since he was sixteen.” Linda wrapped her arms around herself as a cold gust of wind off the mountains ruffled her blonde bob. “Brrr. Winter’s coming early this year.”
Kelly was puzzling out what she’d said. “He’s been on his own that long? Hasn’t he been living with you?”
“No. When he quit school to work on the bull-breeding ranch he lived onsite in workers’ accommodation,” Linda said. “He’s been paying all his bills the entire time. It’s only the past couple of years that he’s rented the downstairs suite from us. We’ve tried a number of times to help him get a start in business or education but he has to do it his way.”
“Well, you’ve got to admire him for that,” Kelly said. “He’s driven in his own way.”
“Stubborn as a mule,” Linda said. “He gets that from his grandfather. But once he figures out what he wants, look out. He’ll surpass them all.”
Kelly had no doubt that Linda was right. U
nfortunately, she couldn’t wait around for Cody to figure out his life. She hugged Linda again and asked her to say goodbye to the rest of the family for her. Linda insisted on packing her a paper sack of homemade chocolate chip cookies for the road. Kelly took her leave with an aching heart.
Chapter Fifteen
For the first time in his life Cody was miserable at a rodeo. Flurries of snow drifted down from a slate-gray sky. Despite his thick sheepskin jacket, he couldn’t shake off the cold. It made his shoulder ache and even he couldn’t pretend that didn’t matter. He caught a glimpse of himself in the small mirror over the sink in his trailer that he used for shaving and saw red eyes, matted hair and sallow skin. He was tired, that’s all. Hadn’t been sleeping so good lately. All those shots in the bar last night hadn’t helped.
As he stepped down from the trailer to cross the hard-packed ground between the camping area and the rodeo grounds, he pulled a hip flask from his pocket and nipped at the bourbon. He wished he was at home with the wood-burning stove fired up full blast and Kelly cooking something awesome while he and Ricky played a board game.
Dream on, buddy. He’d burned that bridge good. Blown it up and carted away the debris. The chasm that lay between him and Kelly now was too big to be crossed.
Just as well. He might be her go-to man for a fling but he didn’t kid himself that he was anyone she would stick with long term. Not after that last family dinner. Humiliation still burned deep inside when he thought of the way they’d all gone at him. Do this, Cody. Do that, Cody. He’d felt like a fool in front of Kelly, as if he couldn’t figure out his own life.
He’d noticed her downcast gaze, embarrassed for him. Felt her warning touch on his leg. She thought they were right, not him. And why wouldn’t she? He let people down, that’s what he did, it’s who he was. He’d let Tegan down. He’d let his family down. Now Kelly and Ricky. He’d proven that by running away instead of staying to fight for what he wanted.
Screw family. His father, grandfather and brothers could all go to hell. He was living the dream he’d had since he was sixteen, working with bulls and riding them. If he wasn’t a rough rider, who was he?
The question had haunted him through the long days on the road and the lonely nights in his trailer parked in rest stops. He was bone-tired and weary of himself. His limbs felt stiff and sore, his brain numb. Kelly thought he was a hero. What a joke. Almost as funny as Nate thinking he might be a businessman. Or his dad trying to make him into a Realtor. Or a cherry picker or an ad man or whatever the hell Alex did for a living. He never could figure that out. Selling the sizzle, not the steak or something equally incomprehensible. To hell with sizzle, Cody wanted the damn steak. Something concrete he could touch, taste, smell and see.
From the rodeo arena came the MC’s voice over the loudspeaker announcing the bull riding was about to begin. The crowd applauded and upbeat music blared. Cody fished a couple of strong painkillers out of a packet and washed them down with another slug of bourbon. Yeah, he knew that wasn’t a good mixture but so what? The wooziness he felt was just road fatigue. Once he was straddling the bull, muscle memory would kick in and he’d be fine.
“Hey, Starr, I’m gonna whup your ass this time,” a slurring voice called to him.
Cody turned to see Dean Maynard standing ten feet away, a hip flask in his hand, too. He rocked slightly on his feet. Dean’s hair was a mess and his skin sallow with dark circles under his eyes. It was like looking in a mirror. The shock rendered Cody speechless.
“Wassamatta, Starr? Ya scared?” Dean mocked.
The fatigue and the boozy haze evaporated and suddenly Cody saw himself with crystal clarity. Like a ghost of Christmas future, Dean showed him where he was headed if he continued down his current path. Too much booze, too many late nights, cutting off family and friends not to mention shutting out meaningful relationships with women. Alone and lonely, dissolute and decaying. No one to love or who loved him, going from rodeo to rodeo with no purpose other than winning the next ribbon, ignoring the warning signs of his body, running headlong into self-destruction.
Yes, he was scared. He was damn well terrified.
As if in a dream, Cody turned and walked away. He must have been insane telling himself that he was ready to get back on the bulls. If he wrenched his shoulder again he would put himself out of rodeo for good. Was that what he was subconsciously trying to do? No, that was nuts. He loved rodeo.
Don’t punish yourself.
Kelly had said that. He’d brushed it off at the time, thinking the remark didn’t make sense. But what if he was punishing himself for what happened long ago with Tegan? And continuing to punish himself by not heeding the good advice of his family and his own common sense. He needed to call Tegan, to resolve this once and for all. Until he got his head sorted out he would never get his life together.
Something else occurred to him. He wasn’t running away to go to the rodeo. He was running away from Kelly. From the possibility of love. Running from his deep desire for a home and a family of his own that would be as strong and loving as the one he’d been raised in. If that wasn’t punishing himself, he didn’t know what it was.
Kelly had been right, he’d been rebelling for the sake of rebelling because he was too scared to take a chance on failing at a career that was long term and worthwhile. Something solid that could be built on, a legacy. The way his grandfather had passed on a legacy to his father in the cherry orchard. Big fancy buckles were all very well, but they were bling, fool’s gold, not the twenty-four karat pure gold that was everything he really wanted.
Kelly had made him feel like a hero. Goddamn it, he wanted to be one. For her. For Ricky. For himself.
*
“Tegan, hey, it’s Cody.” He rubbed a thumb over his tightly clenched fist, back and forth along the knuckles.
“Cody, I’m glad you finally called,” her once-familiar little girl voice transported him in time to simpler days.
Simpler? Hardly.
“Um, I’ve been busy. Copper Mountain, you know. And then I dislocated my shoulder.”
“So you couldn’t pick up a phone?” she said, a teasing note in her voice. “I’d just about given up on you.”
“Been a long time.” Each word he spoke was like pulling teeth although she seemed perfectly comfortable. Now that he’d made the call, he didn’t know what to say. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to say hey. I saw the news on Twitter about you giving that little boy all your prize money. It was so like you, I smiled. Then I got to thinking about the old days.” Her voice had turned wistful. “I wanted to make contact.”
Cody shuffled his boot against a mark on the floor. Surely she didn’t want to revive their old relationship. That ship had long ago sailed. Then he remembered what Kelly had said about being Tegan’s friend. He could do that. “Do you need money? Anything?”
“No, that’s not why I called. I’m in a good place now. I’m a teacher in Sacramento. I have a second- and third-grade class.”
“I can see you doing that. You’d make a good teacher.” Talking felt easier now that she was becoming real to him again. A human being in the present, not the agent of shame from the past.
“Thanks,” she said, warmth in her voice. “I love it.”
Before his resentment got buried in warm and fuzzy, he had to ask, “Why did you say in your blog that you miscarried our baby?” He hadn’t intended the edge in his voice but he couldn’t help it. “You weren’t pregnant.”
“I wanted to get your attention,” Tegan replied also a little more sharply. “You wouldn’t answer my calls. I didn’t know what else to do.”
Cody let out his breath, forcing himself to calm down. “I had a lot on my plate. Stuff was happening.”
“You ran out on me, never even said goodbye. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?” Now her pain was evident in the tightness of her voice, the tremor. She might be in a good place as an adult but she had scars. Thanks to him.
“Tegan—” He broke off, unable to speak. Shame and guilt clogged his throat. They’d been each other’s first love. He’d taken her innocence and then he’d let her down badly. “I’m so sorry.” His voice broke. His fist balled on his knee, knuckles white. “I was scared. I was too young to get married and have children. I wasn’t ready, not by a long shot. I…I had no idea how to handle the situation.”
“I know,” Tegan said with tears in her voice. “I don’t blame you for taking off. You probably thought I would prick holes in the condom. It did cross my mind once but I would never do that to you. Or a baby.”
He had been half afraid she would get pregnant on purpose. He would have married her because that would have been the honorable thing to do. His mother had gone through with an unplanned pregnancy that had produced Will even though his dad, who didn’t know about the baby, had disappeared to Canada for a year. Starrs did the right thing by family.
“I was a coward,” he said. “I should have stayed and talked it out.”
But he’d been terrified of getting sucked in to a situation he didn’t know how to deal with. If he hadn’t been in such a blind panic he might have asked his family for advice except that he never could ask for help. He always had to prove that he was as good as his big brothers, that he could do it all on his own. Jeez.
“I’m sorry, too,” he murmured. “I wrecked your life.”
“The drugs and alcohol weren’t your fault,” she said. “That was all down to me.”
Shame made his throat raw and his voice husky with emotion. “I did love you.”
“I know. I wanted to see you later, after I finally stuck with rehab long enough to recover. Then I thought I’d better let well enough alone. I’d moved on. You’d moved on.”
