by Joan Kilby
Except that he hadn’t, not really. He’d been carrying around the guilt and shame for ten years. Now all he felt was numb. He didn’t have a drop of emotional energy. He rubbed between his eyes where a slight ache had developed. “Are…are you clean these days?”
“Clean and sober. Seven years now.”
“Good for you. I’m glad.”
She sniffled and he heard her blowing her nose. “It took me a long time to get over you.”
He was silent for a long moment, mourning the past. But acknowledging the good, too. It was time he let go of the pain, not cling to old hurts. They weren’t in love anymore. It wasn’t sad; it was simply a fact. “I don’t regret one minute of our time together. We had something real.”
“We did,” she said softly. “Real and beautiful. And I did get over you after a while. That’s another reason I wanted to contact you.” She paused. “It might sound dumb but…I—I wanted closure. We never got to say goodbye properly.”
“Goodbye doesn’t seem quite the right thing to say now.”
“No, it doesn’t. I wanted you to know I’ve come through to the other side and I’ve never been happier.” She paused again and when she spoke, her voice was brighter. “I, um, I’m getting married. I wanted to let you know that, too.”
“Congratulations, that’s awesome. Who’s the lucky guy?”
“His name is Nick and he’s a social worker. After I got out of rehab—the last time—I volunteered at a community house, working with recovering addicts. He was running the program.”
“Sounds like a cool dude.”
“He’s the best,” Tegan said warmly. “How about you? Anyone special in your life?”
“I thought so but I don’t know. It’s not working out. We’re so different. She’s so great and I’m—”
“Cody, stop,” Tegan said. “You paint yourself far worse than you are. But I know you. You’re loyal and loving. And you’re a fighter. Don’t give up. Fight for what you want.”
A fighter. It was true. Was that partly why it had been so hard for him to accept losing Tegan, because he hadn’t hung on to what had once been precious to him?
“Never give up, never surrender,” he said, jokingly invoking the motto of an old movie they’d both loved.
“That’s the spirit. Listen, I’ve got to go. Nick’s going to be here any minute and we’re going out. But keep in touch, okay?”
“I will. Friends?” he asked, though he didn’t need to.
“Friends.” The smile in her voice lingered in his ears long after she’d hung up.
He lay back on his bed spread-eagle with an overwhelming feeling of release. Ten long years he’d carried around this burden; carried it so long he’d forgotten what it felt like to be free from crippling self-recrimination. Then he sprang up, energized. Kelly. He needed to talk to Kelly.
He loved her. Loved her with all the love that he’d been hoarding in his shriveled heart like a miser for ten long years. Loved her with all the passion and tenderness that he hadn’t been able to express but now longed to tell her. Loved her with a love that made his soul soar with happiness. He’d forgotten how to feel and care but she’d brought him back to life with her warmth and humor and generosity of spirit. When he thought about what he’d put her through, he swore he would make it up to her if it took him to the end of his days.
Grabbing his phone, he punched in her number and paced the tiny space in his trailer. It dialed, rang once and went to voicemail. After the beep, he said, “Kelly, I’m sorry I left without talking to you. Please call me as soon as you get this. I’m on my way home.”
He packed up and left immediately, only taking the time to inform the rodeo officials that he was withdrawing from the competition. Then he drove long into the night before pulling over at a rest stop to catch a few hours of sleep. He was awake again at dawn. His breath puffed around his face in the chilly morning air and steam rose from the paper cup of coffee as he stretched his legs. He tried calling Kelly again but her phone was still going to voicemail. She was probably still asleep.
He got back behind the wheel with the long road unspooling ahead of him, miles and miles in which to berate himself for being such a fool and to practice his groveling speech and to plan his future.
You can’t change the past. But you can decide what you will do in the future.
It was time for him to decide. For the first time in his life he could see a future beyond the next rodeo. Kelly and Ricky and children of his own. A house with a few acres of land, enough for a vegetable patch and chickens, a dog and a couple of horses. Maybe a few cherry trees.
He shuddered now to think how he’d almost gotten on a bull with his shoulder not fully healed. He would need to take good care of himself if he was to continue to rodeo. And he wasn’t ready to give it up yet. He would have to start saving whatever prize money he earned plus all his wages at the bull-breeding ranch. But there was no point going back to rodeo before he was ready, only to crash and burn.
The sun rose above the mountains in a burst of light. He pulled down the sun visor and reached for his dark glasses. Maybe it was coincidence but with the dawn came a brainwave. He didn’t need a whole ranch. All he needed to start with was one bull.
Bull breeding was a lucrative industry. A single straw of semen from a top breeding animal went for thousands of dollars. Before a bull even got to the breeding stage it could earn hundreds of thousands of dollars on the circuit.
A ranch could cost millions of dollars. Bulls weren’t cheap either but they were more affordable. It made so much sense he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t thought of this solution earlier. He knew the business backward and forward having worked in it for the past ten years. He’d gone to the cattle sales with Ben, learned how to pick a good bucking bull and train them. He loved the animals and loved working with them. He could go on doing that long after he had to give up riding them.
Hell, he could even train aspiring rough riders. Not every cowboy had the opportunities he’d had when getting into the game. The possibilities were endless. He could start with one bull and board it at Ben’s ranch. Ben wouldn’t mind. He already had a couple of bulls that were owned by shareholders. When Cody could, he would buy another bull, and then another.
His father and grandfather might even be willing to invest. He laughed out loud at the thought of his grandfather’s face when he pitched his proposal. Yes, Granddad, I’m going into business after all.
On second thought, not going to happen. Go back, tail between his legs and ask them to back him? No way. His family had lost faith in him and he had to earn it back. For his part, he had too much pride to admit they were right and he was wrong. He would go to the bank for a loan, like anyone else. He would prove to them by his own efforts that he had what it took to be a Starr.
He couldn’t wait to talk things over with Kelly, to see if she would be willing to live on a ranch with him. She could finish college and Ricky could grow up with his cousins…
Hang on. Talk was cheap. He should get all his ducks in a row before he contacted her. Know exactly what he was going to do and be in the process of doing it. To convince her he’d changed he needed to show her progress.
But at the next truck stop he couldn’t resist pulling over and calling her again. One ring and it went to voicemail. He checked his watch and saw it was after eleven a.m. Surely she would have her phone on by now and even if she was working, she would have seen he’d left messages.
A chilling thought crossed his mind. Was she blocking him?
*
Reno looked exactly as it had before Kelly had left a month and a half ago. She might never have been away. It was a depressing thought. Reno hadn’t changed but she had.
She called ahead to her old neighbors, Buck and Shawna. Their children were grown and she knew they had a spare room.
“It would only be for a few days,” she said to Shawna from the outskirts of the city. “Just till I can find a place to rent.”
“
Honey, you come right on over,” Shawna said. “You and Ricky can stay as long as you like.”
Kelly could have wept with relief and gratitude. She didn’t think she could bear another soulless motel room when she felt so heartsick at how things had gone wrong with Cody. As she drove across town she asked herself for the hundredth time whether she should have given him another chance. Before leaving Sweetheart she’d blocked his calls but she hadn’t been able to stop herself from checking her message bank and seeing the dozen or so voice messages logged from him.
Too bad, she thought, hardening her heart. He’d had his chance and he’d thrown it away. She wasn’t going to lie down like a doormat and beg him to wipe his boot heels on her. She’d been there, done that with Ricky’s father and she’d sworn she would never again let a man treat her badly. She didn’t have much but she had her pride.
Pride won’t keep you warm at night.
The thought crept insidiously into her brain. Ruthlessly she shoved it away. She already hurt so badly, she couldn’t take any more pain. She hadn’t expected to fall in love with Cody, certainly hadn’t wanted it. She couldn’t help how she felt but she could control how she behaved. Dignity was all that mattered now.
And Ricky. He was miserable at being torn away from his new school and friends. But mostly he wanted Cody and didn’t understand why Kelly wouldn’t stay in Sweetheart. She felt like the world’s worst mother. Far from achieving the stability she so badly wanted for herself and her son, she’d dragged him hither and yon, culminating in an uncertain future.
“How will he know where to find us when he gets back?” Ricky had asked plaintively over and over. “You should call him and tell him where we are.”
Kelly blinked rapidly. “I don’t want him to know where we are. He made his choice.”
That’s what it boiled down to: he’d chosen rodeo over everything else. Over her and Ricky, over his own health, over common sense. Why would she want a guy like that in her life? Yes, he’d given Ricky a life-changing operation and she would be forever grateful to him for that but that didn’t mean he was the man for her.
As she’d driven out of Sweetheart she’d made a vow. If it took her a lifetime she would save the money, a bit every week, and send it to him without giving a return address. It might take years but eventually she would pay him back. It’s what she should have done in the first place instead of chasing him all over Montana.
Buck was sitting on a chair on the front porch of the white-and-red bungalow waiting for them when Kelly pulled up a little after six p.m. Bald with a droopy gray mustache, he always reminded her of an aging Yosemite Sam. He rose as she got out of the car and came to meet her, pulling her into a bear hug. “You’re home now. Don’t worry about a thing.”
Then he picked up Ricky and hoisted him high in the air. “Who’s this strapping young fella? I swear you’ve grown a foot since we saw you last. Come on inside, you two. Shawna’s got supper waiting.” He herded them indoors, insisting on carrying their suitcases.
Shawna came out of the kitchen wearing an apron over her jeans and a long-sleeved cream-colored top. She welcomed them with hugs and more exclamations over Ricky. “You two wash up and we’ll sit down to eat.”
Over dinner Buck and Shawna didn’t ask questions but Kelly could tell from the concerned glances they exchanged that they guessed things weren’t going so well for her at the moment. Only when Ricky was tucked up in bed did she give them an abridged account of meeting Cody and her adventures in Montana, from Marietta to Sweetheart. In hindsight it seemed slightly crazy that she would have considered uprooting and resettling without planning it all out to the nth degree.
“Doesn’t seem like you,” Shawna said, echoing Kelly’s thoughts. “You’re always so practical.”
“Must have been love,” Buck said with a wink.
Kelly shook her head. “Temporary insanity. I’ve been walking around with my head in the clouds but now my feet are back on the ground. That’s where they’ll stay.”
By the end of the first week she’d found a job waitressing in a family restaurant in Midtown and had found an apartment nearby where rent was cheap. She enrolled Ricky in first grade at a school only two blocks from their apartment. College was put on hold till next year but she started a savings fund for tuition.
Everything was taken care of—work, shelter, school, even entertainment. The second weekend back in Reno, she got together with some old girlfriends for drinks, leaving Ricky with Buck and Shawna. She told her friends she’d never been happier. It was a lie. They might have bought it but she didn’t. That evening she tossed back shots like they were going out of style, trying to wash away the memories of Cody.
She missed him with an ache that far surpassed any pain she’d ever felt for Ricky’s father. Had she been too hasty? Too judgmental? Shouldn’t she have been more understanding of the family pressures he was under? Couldn’t she have waited for him to come back and done what she could to help him? Had he ridden the bulls? Had he been injured again? She didn’t think she could bear it if he had.
Later that night, drunk and sad, she succumbed to temptation and found his messages in her voicemail. She’d never listened to them before but neither had she deleted them. He’d called frequently for the first couple of days, then once or twice a day, dwindling to nothing after a week had gone by and she hadn’t returned his calls.
His voice in the messages was low and gravelly. He told her of the pain he was feeling at being apart. He missed her, he said. Wanted to talk to her. Hearing the tremor in his voice made her long for contact with him. Unable to resist, she punched the call symbol before she could stop herself. It rang. Immediately she hung up.
Could be he’d only been calling out of guilt. Look how long he’d felt badly about his high school sweetheart. A decade. She didn’t want him contacting her just to ease his conscience.
Anyway, what if she gave in and talked to him and nothing came of it? Like the time Ricky’s father had finally called her back. He’d sounded like he cared but he hadn’t wanted to know anything about her pregnancy and there’d been no suggestion that he would return and be a father. She’d felt even more alone after that.
The phone rang just as she was drifting off to sleep. She startled awake and reached for it on the bedside table. She stared bleary-eyed at the screen. Cody. It rang again, and again. Cody, Cody. Her finger hovered over the button. Her heart thundered in her chest. Turn it off, or answer?
She hit a button. “Hello?” Nothing. Had he given up just as she’d answered?
Then he said, his voice breaking, “Kelly? Is that you?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
He cleared his throat. “How are you? And Ricky?”
“We’re fine.”
“Can I talk to you?”
She swallowed. “Go ahead.”
“I need to do this in person.”
That confused her. “Where are you?”
“In Reno. I’ve been looking for you for days.”
He was in Reno. He’d been looking for her. He cared.
“It’s late.” Her bedside clock said two thirty a.m. “I have to work tomorrow. I got a new job at a restaurant.”
“Where is it?” he said. “I’ll come by for breakfast.”
She told him and then said goodbye. For another hour she tossed and turned, her emotions all churned up and at odds with each other. Hope and fear. Longing and dread. Excitement and apprehension. She got up and took an herbal remedy and finally fell into a deep sleep.
*
Cody opened the door to the upscale diner on a prominent corner in the Midtown District exactly ten minutes after opening. His nerves were jangling all over the place. In his pocket were his various offerings to Kelly. Would she accept them, or turn him out on his ear?
He took a seat at the counter and glanced around. She was taking an order from a table of two women near the back. His heart rate picked up at her familiar blonde hair caught up in a wavy p
onytail and her tall, lithe figure now striding his way. She was checking her tables as she passed and was almost on top of him before she glanced his way. Her step faltered. Panic flashed over her face. Then she fixed on a firm smile and continued toward him.
“What can I get you?” Her gaze searched his face.
Yourself, and for the rest of your life.
“Coffee and toast.” He drank in her blue eyes, plump pink lips, the tiny crease to the right of her mouth where her dimple would appear if only he could make her smile properly.
Without another word she called in his order and went to make the coffee. It was a busy time of morning and she was run off her feet. There was only her and another, older waitress who reminded him a little of Flo only this lady was African American and instead of a beehive she sported an elaborate do of cornrows and braids. But she seemed just as chatty and bossy as Flo.
Cody cursed himself for not having thought this through better. He should have waited till midmorning when the breakfast rush was over but he’d been too impatient to see her. After the toast he ordered eggs and then more coffee. He would eat his way through the entire menu if he had to until he got a few minutes alone with her.
Finally the flow of customers slowed and she stopped in front of him, her expression impassive. “So.”
“I’m sorry I ran out,” he said up front, quickly. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
She nodded. “I was very upset and so was Ricky. I worried about you.” She glanced at his shoulder. “I see you didn’t injure yourself this time.”
“I didn’t get on the bull.” He told her about seeing Dean, about talking to Tegan, about finally waking up to himself. He told her about his plan for the future. He pulled out a spreadsheet and unfolded it on the counter, pointing to each stepping stone on his five-year plan. He showed her the purchase certificate for the bull he’d bought a share in and explained his plan to go into the bull-breeding business. He even told her about his idea for a rodeo school. He hoped that might make her smile because he was getting desperate to see that dimple. But the more he talked, the more somber she became. Her eyes were sad and her mouth turned down.
