Vanish f-2

by Sophie Jordan

  I feel certain of that now. My draki will never fade. Maybe it’s all I know anymore.

  I survived my mother’s attempt to kill off my draki. I survived the desert, hunters all around me with their hungry gazes, the fear so thick I could taste it in my mouth. After all that, I know my draki is here to stay. I don’t have to worry about losing that part of myself anymore. I should be happy. Relieved.

  Except I’m not. My eyes sting and I blink them rapidly.

  Inhaling deeply, I move. My chest rises, fills with the aroma of sweet, arable earth. I’m sustained here. Even if my soul yearns for more. For Will.

  Anger surges through me. I’m crazy to yearn for a boy lost to me forever. Why can’t I move on and find what happiness I can with the pride?

  Then I see it sketched against the hazy twilight. The dilapidated tower stretches up through the fog like an ancient, twisting tree covered in thick, wiry vines. It’s not as tall as the other three watchtowers strategically positioned throughout the township, but it’s the oldest, the first, built back when the idea of existing without a shader seemed impossible, a reality for which we needn’t prepare.

  Time changed that attitude. As Nidia aged and no other shader manifested, fear set in that the next generation of draki would be without a shader. The other towers were built then, stronger — taller than before — in preparation for the days to come when we would have to rely on ourselves to safeguard the township.

  I stop at the base and look up. Watchtowers are always camouflaged with vines and bramble, the better to blend them with the natural landscape, but this one looks more natural than the others. And I love that. Love the wildness of it as it returns to nature. It hasn’t been used in years, since before I was born, but I remember this forgotten tower well, my childhood haunt.

  I lay my hand on a weathered rung and begin to climb. An animal, startled by my intrusion, scurries up the twisted beams as I ascend.

  I push through the congestion of leaves. Wiry branches poke me, grab my hair like sharp fingers as I climb higher and higher. Rotting wood creaks beneath me. I reach the top and drop onto my back on the moss-speckled wood with a sigh.

  I splay a hand over my stomach, feel myself breathe in and out, my lungs expanding. And it all comes back to me. My love for this place. A place I can safely exist. Where I can be me. Away from prying eyes.

  A canopy of green covers me. I spot the sky drifting overhead through gaps in the wood and foliage. Sitting up, I cross my legs and stare out at the vast, pulsing green world spread below. The pride is there. The green-tiled roofs peep out through Nidia’s mist.

  Mist curls between the houses and buildings, covering the fields, crawling over the township’s walls and spreading across the land like a living thing, settling thickly into the valleys and over the lesser hills and mountains in a foamy white. Only the tallest treetops poke through the mantle of fog.

  “Thought I’d find you here.”

  I shrink into myself, pulling my knees close to my chest as Cassian’s dark head emerges, followed by the rest of him. He lowers down beside me, the wood groaning in protest.

  “This is probably a deathtrap, you know. It should have been torn down a long time ago.”

  “It would be sacrilege. There are too many memories attached to it,” I say. “No one can do it.”

  He reaches down and strokes a moss-lined board. “Yeah. That’s the truth. Wonder how many first kisses were stolen up here.”

  Something tightens a little inside me at this. My first kiss wasn’t here. It was with Will. Out there. My gaze drifts to the vast world spread out below me, so different from the desert where my heart found Will. It probably should have been here. It probably would have been here if I hadn’t left.

  I inhale cool, damp air through my nostrils. “Why did you follow me?”

  Cassian’s voice rumbles on air as dense as the drape of night closing around us, sealing us in. “Did you think I wouldn’t?”

  I say nothing. He stares at me with his impenetrable gaze. Rain starts to fall in earnest then, the patter amplifying the stretch of silence between us. The water finds its way through the holes and cracks in the canopy above us and drops coldly upon my hair. I don’t mind. I’ve never minded the cold.

  Cassian angles his head, water sitting on the sleek, dark strands like beads of crystal. “You really think I wouldn’t care if you were dead?”

  I pull back, remembering that I had accused him of not caring what happened to me.

  “I’ve been avoiding you because I’m just so damn annoyed….” He shakes his head, sloshing water. The strands brush his shoulders rhythmically. “I don’t want you risking yourself again. The human world… Will. It’s too dangerous.” Cassian takes my hand. I feel his heartbeat through the simple touch, the thud of his life meeting with mine. “You dead… it would break me.” His voice whips sharply over the drum of rainfall. “Everything I ever said to you was the truth. My feelings haven’t changed for you, Jacinda. Even if you do drive me crazy, here, in the pride… you’re still that single bright light for me.”

  I don’t know who moved first.

  Maybe it was both of us. Or maybe I just don’t want to accept that it might have been me. Might have been my head inching forward, my wet face lifting up to his. My heart beating so loud it thundered like a drum in my chest.

  His lips are soft at the first brush. One of us trembles. Me or him. Both of us? I don’t know, don’t care.

  It’s a feathery kiss, lips brushing, grazing, tasting, almost as if we are afraid of startling each other. And we are.

  Even as exhilarated as I feel in this moment, I’m not totally unaware of what’s happening — of the strangeness of me kissing Cassian. It’s terrifying to do this thing that has been unthinkable for so long. But I guess buried underneath it all, tension has always been a humming wire stretched tightly between us. Tonight I let go of my end and the wire snaps free. Before Will, I had wondered about Cassian and me, wondered about us — together. I had thought maybe. Even if I never admitted it to myself, never could because of Tamra. Because I was told that we would be together someday and not asked.

  Yet, even knowing all this, I don’t stop. Don’t pull away and run.

  The gentle play of his rain-wet lips on mine is sweet, exciting. I lean into him, taste mint on his mouth. My heart warms, softens to have this intimacy, this connection to another soul again.

  Until the kiss changes.

  The pressure increases ever so slightly. The intensity deepens into something that I feel in my bones, in the sudden snap of my flesh and hot rush of my blood. His lips grow more demanding, hard and soft at the same time, devouring my mouth.

  I moan and he quickly pulls back, brushing my face with his fingers. “Is this okay—”

  Nodding, I pull him back to me, needing this too much right now. I can’t feel anything but an easing of the ache that’s been gnawing away inside me since leaving Chaparral.

  He embraces his hunger.

  Strange animal sounds come from him. Or is that me?

  Vibrations rumble from my chest, climb up my contracting windpipe. I wedge my arms between us and turn my palms into his chest, craving touch, the sensation of another. I unfurl my fingers so my palms lie flat on his chest. His heart thuds steady and strong.

  His hand drags up my back, buries in my wet hair, catching in the thick snarls, but I don’t care. I revel in it, in the knowledge of another’s desire for me — for Cassian’s desire.

  His palm cups the back of my skull, cradling my head.

  His lips slide from my mouth to my slippery jaw. His teeth nip there and I can’t stop myself. I sigh, feel the pull in my flesh, the snap of my skin and know that I’m no longer entirely human. He’s brought the draki to life in me. Just like Will did.

  The thought makes me jerk, suck in a watery breath. I break away, gasping icy air into my smoldering lungs, stare into his eyes, the deepest purple, the pupils thin, dark vertical slits.

 
Horrified, I brush a hand over my burning mouth before dragging fingers against my skin, feeling its tight, smooth texture and confirming that I’ve halfway manifested. Because of him.

  His own skin flashes in and out, dark glittering charcoal. “Jacinda.” I drop my gaze to his mouth, to the lips I tasted with my own. They’re a deep shade of pink, swollen and bruised-looking from kissing. Nausea swells inside me. No, no, no, no…

  I shake my head savagely and mutter to myself. Wrong. What am I doing? How could I do this to Tamra?

  The answer comes to me. I kissed him, seized him, because I could. Because I’m lonely. Because he’s here, wanting me, accepting me. He’s here. And Will’s not.

  That’s all there is to it. He’s not what I really want. Not who I want.

  “Jacinda,” he whispers.

  “I have to go,” I say quickly, shoving wet hair back from my face. “Mom will wonder where I am.” This isn’t true, but I say it anyway.

  “Jacinda,” he tries again.

  “No,” I say, my voice sharp. “This isn’t going to happen, Cassian. This isn’t fair to—” I stop myself.

  “To Tamra,” he supplies.

  “And you,” I return. “You deserve someone who can give you everything. Tamra can do that.”

  “You can, too,” he returns with such conviction that a small shiver runs through me. “C’mon. You’re getting cold,” he replies, misreading my shiver for a chill. Taking my hand, he guides me to the ladder and lets me descend first.

  On the ground, he squints through rain up into the sky. “No flying tonight.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Tamra’s looking forward to flying with you. She’s disappointed you haven’t come out with her yet.”

  “I know.”

  “Next time? Will you come?”

  “Yeah,” I say, meaning it.

  Nothing has changed. I have to adjust back into pride life. I have to forget Will. I have to forget about kissing Cassian. I’ll forget and adjust, and everything will be all right.

  We walk through the rain to my house. Cassian follows me up to my door. “See you tomorrow.” His voice is husky as he stares down at me, his eyes different, softer almost. My stomach knots as he turns away.

  “Cassian.” I skip down the steps and back into the rain, determined that he understand we’re only friends. We can never be more than that.

  Holding a hand over my eyes, I look up at him. “Thanks. I’m glad we’re… friends.” I say the word friends deliberately, letting the emphasis get my point across.

  His mouth curves with a slow smile. “I’ve never wanted to be your friend, Jacinda.”

  My heart stutters in my chest. Standing in the pouring rain, I watch him walk away.

  Chapter 9

  The rain finally stops after three days. Alone on my front porch, I look up from my lunch as the rippling veil of gray dies a sudden death. Almost instantly, Nidia’s fog rolls in, like something living, pulsing with breath. It quickly cloaks the township. The umbrella I used when walking home from school swivels on its side on the porch from the sudden shift in air.

  I’d just returned from Evasive Maneuvers, and flight patterns dance in my head like constellations as I nibble on a slice of verdaberry bread. I have to head back for my afternoon class shortly, but for now I enjoy the quiet. Kicking off my shoes, I let the mist slide over my bare feet.

  Mom’s at work. They keep scheduling her long hours, giving her back-to-back shifts. Deliberately, of course. I’ve seen so little of her. Living with Nidia, Tamra sees her even less. They want it that way.

  Without the drumming of rain, the abrupt silence feels eerie, like the world is holding its breath around me. I set my plate down and pull the throw from the back of the bench. The dry heat of Chaparral is a distant memory as I burrow into the fleece.

  Across the street, the hazy figure of Corbin steps from his house. As my gaze lands on his blue armband, something clenches in my stomach.

  His eyes immediately find me. With a wave, he saunters across the street and stops at the bottom step of my porch. Holding a hand up as if grasping the air, he smiles. “Guess we’re flying tonight.”

  I force a smile. He’s my neighbor. He’s not going anywhere. And neither am I. Despite how distasteful I find him, I have to tolerate him. “Yeah. Rain finally quit.”

  “You joining us then?”

  I nod. I promised I would… and I want to. I need to fly again. Especially with the sister I never thought I would get the chance to fly with. We’ll be able to share the sky at last. “Yes.”

  “Good.” Hues of purply black glint in his fair hair as he nods. “It’s good to see you coming around, Jacinda.”

  This I can’t let pass. “I’m not coming around for you.”

  His lips twitch. “But you’re coming around.”

  He looks down the street then, staring for a long moment as if he sees something coming our way through the cool vapor. “I saw your sister this morning.”

  I reveal nothing as I look at him, even as wariness trickles through me. He voiced his intentions. He wants one of us — is determined to have one of us.

  “She and Cassian were going to the orchards with some others. She looked… happy.”

  “She is,” I say.

  And why shouldn’t she be? She has what she’s always wanted. Friendship, acceptance by her own kind… Cassian. If I don’t mess that up for her. The nasty guilt that’s been eating at me for the last three days, ever since that kiss with Cassian, takes another bite at my conscience.

  “I’ll come by after my shift ends and we can walk together to the flight field.”

  I bristle. This is the Corbin I remember. The arrogant boy who never asks but simply takes. “I already have plans to meet up with Tamra.”

  His mouth twists. “You can’t hide behind your sister forever.” He turns and starts down the path. “See you tonight,” he calls over his shoulder.

  I watch his figure fading into the quivering mist and wonder what it will take to make him forget about me.

  “You’re avoiding me.”

  I look up as I descend the school’s front steps. Cassian pushes off from a column and falls in beside me. He’s correct, of course. I have been avoiding him. But I don’t admit this.

  “It’s been raining nonstop,” I say instead.

  “I like the rain,” he responds thickly, and I know he’s thinking about our kiss in the rain. Something I’ve had a hard time putting out of my head.

  I slide him a look, study the sleek fall of his hair. My breath quickens. Hugging my book to my chest, I stride ahead.

  Cassian keeps up. “Why are you avoiding me?”

  “I’m not avoiding you,” I lie. “I just haven’t gone out of my way looking for you. Did you expect I would…” after that kiss… Guilty heat floods my face. I shoot him a glance. “Aren’t you a little old to be hanging out around the school? You finished up last term.”

  “How else am I going to catch you?”

  “Um, I don’t know. At my house maybe.”

  I can’t help wondering whether he doesn’t want to risk Tamra hearing about him coming to visit me at home. The two of us seen together like this… out and about town — not such a big deal. This can be chalked up to coincidence. If that’s the case, he’s not so immune to Tamra after all. I frown a little, wondering why this prospect doesn’t fill me with immediate relief. Isn’t that what I want? For him to like my sister as much as she likes him? I walk faster.

  “We need to talk.” He grabs me by the arm and forces me to face him.

  “About what, Cassian?”

  “The other day—”

  Panic claws up my throat. “Was a mistake,” I finish, determined that he sees it that way, too.

  Something passes over his face. An emotion I’ve never seen in him. Come to think of it, emotion from him is pretty rare — period.

  “Cassian! Wait up!”

  We both turn. Miram is behind us, hurrying to catch
up.

  I mutter something unkind. Others might be softening toward me, but not Miram. She continues to look at me as though I’ve done something to her.

  I start to go, but Cassian holds my arm. I stare down at his fingers, then look back at his face. “She didn’t call my name. Do me a favor and let me go.”

  Cassian frowns and his dark eyes drill into me. “This isn’t over,” he murmurs.

  “Yeah.” I nod, cool resolve stealing over me. “It is.” Twisting my arm free, I march away before Miram reaches us.

  We gather in the flight field at the far north of the township. Close to thirty of us have arrived in our usual robes, garments easy to discard and don again.

  Tall pines shroud the clearing. Beyond the field, mountains spill in a jagged line several shades darker than the murky night.

  Even Severin joins us, although not robed, so presumably he’s only keeping an eye on us and not flying out tonight. He catches sight of me, and I don’t miss the flash of approval crossing his face. Despite not wanting to care, something lightens in my chest. This is what I’ve decided to do after all. Put everything behind me. Set aside my selfish desires that only brings hurt to others. Move on with my life here and forget the feelings I have for a boy who isn’t meant for me.

  So that means getting along with everyone. Even Severin.

  Holding his clipboard, our flight master looks us over, taking count.

  Traditionally, we’re assigned a flight partner. Someone we can’t separate from at any time. Immediately, I step up next to Tamra, stake my claim. Tonight, we’ll fly together.

  I spot Az and feel a pinch in my heart when I notice she’s paired with Miram. She sees me, too, holds my stare. For a moment, I think she is going to come over, but then she looks away.

  “She’ll come around,” Tamra says. “She’s afraid.”

  “Afraid? Of what?”

  “That she’s lost you.”

  “But she’s the one avoiding me!”

  “Yeah, but she’s in control of that. She can’t control you or anything else that’s happened. Not having any control over what matters in your life… well, that scares people.”