Hit Or Myth

by Robert Asprin

  Hit or Myth

  Robert Asprin

  Content

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter One

  "There's something to be said for relatives...it has to be said because it's unprintable!"

  -A. Einstein

  PERHAPS if I hadn't been so preoccupied with my own thoughts when I walked into my quarters that day, I wouldn't have been caught unawares. Still, who expects to get caught in a magikal attack just walking into their own room?

  Okay, okay! So I am the Court Magician of Possiltum, and maybe I have been getting a bit of a reputation lately. I still should be able to walk into my own room without getting jumped! I mean, if a magician isn't safe in his own quarters, can he be safe anywhere?

  Scratch that question!

  It's the kind of thing my teacher says to convince me that choosing magic for a career path is not the best way to insure living out one's normal life span. Of course, it doesn't take much convincing. Actions speak louder than words, and the action since I signed on as his apprentice has been loud enough to convince me that a magician's life is not particularly quiet. I mean, when you realize that within days of meeting him, we both got lynched by an angry mob...as in hung by the neck...

  But I digress.

  We started out with me simply walking into my room. Yeah, simple! There was a demon waiting for me, a Pervect to be exact. This in itself wasn't unusual. Aahz, the teacher I mentioned earlier, is a Pervect. In fact, he shares my quarters with me. What was unusual was that the demon waiting for me wasn't Aahz!

  Now I haven't met many Pervects...heck, the only one I know is Aahz...but I know Aahz very well, and this Pervect wasn't him!

  This demon was shorter than my mentor, his scales were a lighter shade of green, and his gold eyes were set closer together. What's more, he wasn't smiling...and Aahz always smiles, even when he's mad...especially when he's mad. To the average eye Aahz and this stranger might look alike, but to me they were as different as a Deveel and an Imp. Of course, there was a time when I couldn't tell the difference between a Deveel and an Imp. It says something about the company I've been keeping lately.

  "Who are you?" I demanded.

  "You Skeeve?"

  "Yeah. Me Skeeve. Who you?"

  For an answer, I suddenly felt myself snatched into the air by an invisible hand and spun end over end until I finally stopped dangling head down four feet off the floor.

  "Don't get smart with me, punk. I understand you're holding a relative of mine in some kind of bondage. I want him back. Understand?"

  He emphasized his point by lowering me to within a few inches of the floor, then using that surface to rap my head sharply.

  I may not be the greatest magician ever, but I knew what he was doing. He was using his mind to levitate me about the room. I've done it myself to small objects from time to time. Of course, it occurred to me that I wasn't a small object and that I was dealing with someone a bit better versed in the magikal arts than myself. As such, I deemed it wiser to keep my temper and my manners.

  "You know Aahz?"

  "Sure do. And I want him back."

  The latter was accompanied by another head rap. So much for holding my temper.

  "Then you should know him well enough to know that nobody holds him against his will!"

  My head started for the floor again, but stopped short of its target. From my inverted position I could get a partial view of the demon tapping himself thoughtfully on the chin.

  "That's true," he murmured. "All right...."

  I was turned into an upright position once more.

  "...Let's take it from the top. Where's Aahz, and what's keeping him in this backwater dimension?"

  "I think and talk better with my feet on the ground."

  "Hmm? Oh! Sorry."

  I was lowered into a normal standing position. Now that I was self-supporting again, I realized the interrogation had left me with a splitting headache.

  "He's back in General Badaxe's quarters arguing military tactics," I managed. "It was so boring I came back here. He should be along soon. They were almost out of wine when I left."

  "Tactics and wine, eh?" my visitor grimaced. "That sounds like Aahz. What's the rest of it? Why is he staying around a nowhere dimension like Klah and how did he get mixed up with the Great Skeeve?"

  "You've heard of me?"

  "Here and there around the dimensions," the demon acknowledged. "In some circles they think you're pretty hot stuff. That's why I started wondering if you'd managed to cage Aahz somehow. I was braced for a real battle royal when you walked in."

  "Well, actually I'm not all that good," I admitted. "I've only really started making headway in the last couple years since I started studying under Aahz. I'd still be a total nothing if he hadn't lost his powers and taken me on as an apprentice."

  "Bingo!" my visitor declared, holding up his hand.

  "I think you just explained everything. Aahz lost his powers and took on a new apprentice! No wonder he hasn't been home in a while. And all this talk about the Great Skeeve is just a standard Aahz-managed hype job for a new talent. Right?"

  "We have taken on a few rough assignments," I said defensively.

  "In which Aahz choreographed, then set you up to take the credit. Right?"

  "What's 'choreographed'?" I asked. Obviously the family similarity was more than scale deep.

  "Well, I hope you're up to operating on your own, Skeeve, 'cause I'm taking your mentor back to Perv with me."

  "But you don't have to rescue him from me!" I protested. "He's free to come and go as he wants;"

  "I'm not saving him from you, I'm saving him from Aahz. Our colleague has an overblown sense of responsibility that isn't always in his own best interest. Do you know how lucrative a practice he's letting fall apart on Perv while he clowns around with you?"

  "No, "I admitted.

  "Well, he's losing money every day he's gone...and that means the family is losing money." Right there I gave up the argument. Early on in my association with Aahz I learned the futility of trying to talk a Pervect out of money. The fact that Aahz was willing to sacrifice a steady income to work with me was an incredible tribute to our friendship...or his sense of duty. Of course, there's more than one way to win an argument.

  "Well, as I said before, I can't keep him here," I said innocently. "If you can convince him he's not needed anymore...."

  "No way, punk," the demon sneered. "We both know that won't get him to desert an apprentice. I'm going to lure him back to Perv with a blatant lie. And .you're going to keep your mouth shut."

  "But..."

  "...Because if you don't, I'll make sure there's nothing left to keep him in Klah...meaning you! Now before you even think about trying to match magik with me, remember something. You've been studying under Aahz for a couple years now. I graduated after over three hundred years of apprenticeship. So far, I'm willing to live and let live. You should be able to earn a living on what you've learned so far, maybe even pick up a few new tricks as you go along. However, if you cross me now, there won't be enough of you to pick up with a sponge. Do we understand each other?"

  I was suddenly a
ware why nobody we met in dimension-crawling ever wanted to tangle with a Pervect. I was also aware that someone had just walked into the room behind me.

  "Rupert!"

  "Uncle Aahz!"

  The two pounded each other on the back. I gave them lots of room.

  "Hey kid, this is my nephew Rupert...but I see you've already met."

  "Unfortunately," I grumbled.

  That earned me a black look from Rupert, but Aahz missed it completely.

  "So what brings you to Klah, nephew? A bit off your normal prowl pattern, isn't it?"

  "It's Dad. He wants you."

  "Sorry," Aahz was suddenly his normal self again. "I've got too many irons in the fire here to get drawn into some family squabble."

  "But he's dying."

  That stopped Aahz for a moment.

  "My brother? Nonsense. He's too tough to kill. He could even beat me in an unfair fight."

  "He got into a fight with Mom."

  A look of concern crossed Aahz's face. I could see he was wavering.

  "That serious, huh? I don't know, though. If he's really dying, I don't see what I can do to help."

  "It shouldn't take long," Rupert urged. "He said something about his will."

  I groaned inwardly. Trust a Pervect to know a Pervect's weaknesses.

  "Well, I guess my business here can keep for a few days," Aahz declared with false reluctance. "Stay out of trouble, kid. I'll be back as soon as I can."

  "Let's get going," Rupert suggested, hiding his triumphant grin. "The sooner we get to Perv, the sooner you can be back."

  "But Aahz...."

  "Yeah, kid?"

  I saw Rupert's brow darken.

  "I...I just wanted to say 'goodbye.' "

  "Hey, don't make a big thing of this, kid. It's not like I was going forever."

  Before I could respond, Rupert clapped an arm around Aahz's shoulder and they both faded from view. Gone.

  Somehow I couldn't make myself believe it had happened. My mentor had been spirited away...permanently. Whatever I had learned from Aahz would have to do, because now I was totally on my own.

  Then I heard a knock at my door.

  Chapter Two

  "When things are blackest, I just tell myself 'cheer up, things could be worse!' And sure enough, they get worse!"

  -Skeeve

  I DECIDED that as Court Magician of Possiltum, my response should be gracious.

  "Go away!"

  That was gracious. If you knew what my actual thoughts were, you'd realize that. Very few people ever visited me in my chambers, and I didn't want to see any of them just then.

  "Do you know who you're talking to?" came a muffled voice from the other side of the door.

  "No! And I don't care! Go away!"

  "This is Rodrick the Fifth. Your King!"

  That stopped me. Upset or not, that title belonged to the man who set and paid my wages. As I said earlier, I have learned a few things from Aahz.

  "Do you know who you're talking to?" I called back, and hoped.

  There was a moment's pause.

  "I assume I'm talking to Skeeve the Magnificent, Court Magician of Possiltum. At best, he'll be the one to bear the brunt of my wrath if I'm kept waiting outside his chambers much longer."

  So much for hoping. These things never work in real life the way they do in jokes.

  Moving with undignified haste, I pounced on the door handle and wrenched it open.

  "Good afternoon. Lord Magician. May I come in?"

  "Certainly, Your Majesty," I said, standing aside. "I never refuse a fifth."

  The King frowned.

  "Is that a joke? If so, I don't get the point."

  "Neither do I," I admitted calmly. "It's something Aahz my apprentice says."

  "Ah, yes. Your apprentice. Is he about?"

  Rodrick swept majestically into the room, peering curiously into the corners as if he expected Aahz to spring forth from the walls.

  "No. He's...out."

  "Good. I had hoped to speak with you alone. Hmmm...these are really quite spacious quarters. I don't recall having been here before."

  That was an understatement. Not only had the King never visited my room in his palace, I couldn't recall having seen him when he wasn't either on the throne or in its near vicinity.

  "Your Majesty has never graced me with his presence since I accepted position in his court," I said.

  "Oh. Then, that's probably why I don't recall being here," Rodrick responded lamely.

  That in itself was strange. Usually the King was quite glib and never at a loss for words. In fact, the more I thought about it, the stranger this royal visit to my private chambers became. Despite my distress at Aahz's unplanned and apparently permanent departure, I felt my curiosity beginning to grow.

  "May I ask the reason for this pleasant, though unexpected audience?"

  "Well..." the King began, then shot one more look about the room. "Are you sure your apprentice isn't about?"

  "Positive. He's...I sent him on a vacation."

  "A vacation?"

  "Yes. He's been studying awfully hard lately."

  The King frowned slightly.

  "I don't remember approving a vacation."

  For a moment, I thought I was going to get caught in my own deception. Then I remembered that in addition to the various interdimensional languages, Aahz had also been teaching me to speak "bureaucrat.''

  "I didn't really feel your authorization was necessary," I said loftily. "Technically, my apprentice is not on your Majesty's payroll. I am paying him out of my wages, which makes him my employee, subject to my rules including vacations...or dismissal. While he is subject to your laws, as is any subject of Possiltum, I don't feel he actually is governed by Subparagraph G concerning palace staff!''

  My brief oration had the desired effect: it both confused and bored my audience. Aahz would have been proud of me. I was particularly pleased that I had managed to sneak in that part about dismissals. It meant that when Aahz didn't return, I could claim that I had dismissed him without changing the wage paid me by the crown.

  Of course, this got me brooding again about Aahz not coming back.

  "Well, whatever. I'm glad to see your philosophy regarding vacations mirrors my own. Lord Magician. Everyone should have a vacation. In fact, that's why I decided to take a vacation."

  That opened my eyes. Figuratively and literally. "You, your Majesty? But Kings don't take vacations."

  "That's the whole point."

  Rodrick began pacing the floor nervously as he spoke. "The pressures of being a King mount up like they do on any other job. The difference is that as a King you never get a break. No time to rest and collect your thoughts, or even just sleep late. From the coronation when the crown hits your head until it's removed by voluntary or forcible retirement, you are the King."

  "Gee, that's tough. Your Majesty. I wish there was something I could do to help."

  The King stopped pacing and beamed at me again.

  "But you can! That's why I'm here!"

  "Me? I can't approve a vacation for you! Even if it were in my power, and it isn't, the kingdom needs a king on the throne all the time. It can't spare you, even for one day!"

  "Exactly! That's why I can't leave the throne unattended. If I wanted a vacation, I'd need a stand-in."

  An alarm bell went off in my mind.

  Now, however much Aahz may have nagged me about being a slow student, I'm not stupid. Even before I met Aahz...heck, before I learned my letters...I knew how to add two and two to get four. In this case, one two was the king's need for a stand-in; the second two was his presence in my quarters, and the four was....

  "Surely your Majesty can't mean me!"

  "Of course I mean you," Rodrick confirmed. "The fact is, Lord Magician, I had this in mind when I hired you to your current position."

  "You did?"

  I could feel the jaws of the trap closing. If this was indeed why the King had hired me, I would
be ill-advised to refuse the assignment. Rodrick might decide my services were no longer needed, and the last thing I needed with Aahz gone was to get cut off from my source of income. I wasn't sure what the job market was like for ex-court magicians, but I was sure I didn't want to find out first hand.

  "As you said earlier, the powers of the Court Magician are at my disposal, and one of the powers you demonstrated when we first met was the ability to change your own shape, or the shape of others, at will."

  The disguise spell! It was one of the first spells Aahz had taught me and one of the ones most frequently used over our last several adventures. After all the times it's bailed me out of tight spots, who would have guessed it would be the spell to get me into trouble? Well, there was the time it had gotten me hung....

  "But, your Majesty, I couldn't possibly substitute for you. I don't know how to be a King!"

  "Nothing to it," Rodrick smiled. "The nice thing about being a King is that even when you're wrong, no one dares to point it out."

  "But...."

  "And besides, it will only be for one day. What could possibly go wrong in one day?"

  Chapter Three

  "Once a knight, always a knight, But once a King is once too often!"

  -Sir Bella Of Eastmarch

  Now, I don't want you to think I'm a pushover. I drove a hard bargain with the King before giving in. I not only managed to get him to agree to a bonus, but to cough up a hefty percentage in advance before accepting the assignment. Not bad for a fledgling magician who was over a barrel.

  Of course, once I accepted, I was no longer over a barrel, I was in over my head!

  The more I thought about it, the worse the idea of standing in for the King seemed. The trouble was, I didn't have a choice...or did I? I thought about it some more and a glimmer of hope appeared.

  There was a way out! The only question was, how far could I run in a day? While not particularly worldly (or off-worldly for that matter) I was pretty sure that double-crossing kings wasn't the healthiest of pastimes.

  It was going to be a big decision, definitely the biggest I ever had to make on my own. The King (or to be exact, his stand-in) wasn't due to make an appearance until noon tomorrow, so I had a little time to mull things over. With that in mind, I decided to talk it out with my last friend left in the palace.