Hit Or Myth

by Robert Asprin

  "Very well," I said. "Here's what you need to travel between here and home." I fished the D-Hopper out of my sleeve.

  "This setting is for home. This one is for here. Push this button to travel."

  "What about the other settings?" Shai-ster asked.

  "Remember the magic wand?" I countered. "Without instructions, you could get lost with this thing. I mean, really lost."

  "Come on, boys," Don Bruce said, setting the D-Hopper. "We gotta hurry home. There's a world here to conquer, so we gotta get started before somebody else beats us to it. Mister Skeeve, a pleasure doin' business with you."

  A second later, they were gone.

  I should have been elated, having finally eliminated one set of problems from my horizon. I wasn't.

  Don Bruce's last comment about world conquering reminded me of Queen Hemlock's plans. Now that the Mob was neutralized, I had other problems to solve. As soon as I got back to the palace, I would have to...

  Then it hit me.

  The Mob representatives had taken the D-Hopper with them when they left. That thing was my only route back to Klah! I was stranded at the Bazaar with no way back to my own dimension!

  Chapter Twelve

  I'm making this up as I go along!"

  -I. Jones

  BUT I didn't panic. Why should I?

  Sure, I was in a bit of a mess, but if there was one place in all the dimensions I could be confident of finding help, it was here at the Bazaar. Anything could be had here for a price, and thanks to Aahz's training, I had made a point of stocking my pouch with money prior to our departure from Klah.

  Aahz!

  It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't thought about my old mentor for days. The crises that had erupted shortly after his departure had occupied my mind to an extent where there was no time or energy left for brooding. Except for the occasional explanation of his absence, Aahz was playing no part in my life currently. I was successfully handling things without him.

  Well...

  Okay. I had successfully handled some things without him...the Mob, for example. Of course, the training he had gotten me into earlier in our relationship had also provided me with confidence under fire...another much-needed commodity these days.

  "Face it, kid," I said to myself in my best imitation of Aahz. "You owe a lot to your old mentor."

  Right. A lot. Like not making him ashamed of his prize pupil...say by leaving a job half done.

  With new resolve, I addressed my situation. First, I had to get back to Klah...or should I look for a solution right here?

  Rather than lose time to indecision, I compromised.

  With a few specific questions to the nearest vendor, I set a course for my eventual destination, keeping an eye out as I went for something that would help me solve the Queen Hemlock problem.

  This trip through the Bazaar was different from my earlier visits. Before, my experience had been of wishing for more time to study the displays at leisure while hurrying to keep up with Aahz. This time, it was me that was pushing the pace, dismissing display after display with a casual "interesting, but no help with today's problem." Things seemed to have a different priority when responsibility for the crisis was riding on my shoulders.

  Of course, I didn't know what I was looking for. I just knew that trick wands and instant thunderstorms weren't it. Out of desperation, I resorted to logic.

  To recognize the solution, I needed to know the problem. The problem was that Queen Hemlock was about to marry me instead of Rodrick. Scratch that. Massha was bringing Rodrick back, and I couldn't help her. I just had to believe she could do it. The problem was Queen Hemlock.

  Whether she married me or Rodrick, she was determined to use Possiltum's military strength to wage a war of expansion. If her husband, whoever it was, tried to oppose her, he would find himself conveniently dead.

  Killing the Queen would be one solution, but somehow I shrank from cold-blooded murder...or hot-blooded murder for that matter. No. What was needed was something to throw a scare into her. A big scare.

  The answer walked past me before I recognized it. Fortunately, it was moving slowly, so I turned and caught up with it in just a few steps.

  Answers come in many shapes and sizes. This one was in the form of a Deveel with a small tray display hung by a strap around his neck.

  "What you just said, was it true?"

  The Deveel studied me.

  "I said, 'Rings. One size fits all. Once on, never off.' "

  "That's right. Is it true?"

  "Of course. Each of my rings are pre-spelled. Once you put it on, it self-adjusts so that it won't come off, even if you want it to."

  "Great. I'll take two."

  "...Because to lose a ring of such value would be tragedy indeed. Each one worth a king's ransom...."

  I rolled my eyes.

  "Look," I interrupted. "I know it's a tradition of the Bazaar to bargain, but I'm in a hurry. How much for two? Bottom price."

  He thought for a moment and named a figure. My training came to the fore and I made a counteroffer one tenth of his.

  "Hey! You said 'no haggling,' " he protested. "Who do you think you are?"

  Well, it was worth a try. According to Massha, I was getting a bit of a reputation at the Bazaar.

  "I think I'm the Great Skeeve, since you asked."

  "...And the camel you rode in on," the vendor sneered. "Everyone knows the Great Skeeve isn't a Pervert."

  The disguise! I had forgotten about it completely. With a mental wave, I restored my normal appearance. "No, I'm a Klahd," I smiled, "And for your information, that's Pervect!"

  "You mean you're really...no, you must be. No one else would voluntarily look like a Klahd...or defend Perverts...excuse me, Pervects."

  "Now that that's established," I yawned, "how much for two of your rings?"

  "Here," he said, thrusting the tray forward. "Take your pick, with my compliments. I won a bundle betting on your team at the Great Game. All I ask is permission to say that you use my wares."

  It was with a great deal of satisfaction that I made my selection and continued on my way. It was nice to have a reputation, but nicer to earn it. Those two little baubles now riding in my pouch were going to get me out of the Possiltum dilemma...if I got back in time...and if Massha had found the King.

  Those sobering thoughts brought my hat size back to normal in a hurry. The time to gloat was after the battle, not before. Plans aren't victories, as I should be the first to know.

  With panic once again nipping at my heels, I quickened my pace until I was nearly running by the time I reached my final destination: the Yellow Crescent Inn.

  Bursting through the door of the Bazaar's leading fast food establishment, I saw that it was empty of customers except for a troll munching on a table in the corner.

  Terrific.

  I was expecting to deal with Gus, the gargoyle proprietor, but I'd settle for the troll.

  "Skeeve!" the troll exclaimed. "I say, this is a surprise. What brings you to the Bazaar?"

  "Later, Chumly. Right now I need a lift back to Klah. Are you busy with anything?"

  The troll set his half-eaten table to one side and raised the eyebrow over one mismatched moon eye.

  "Not to be picky about formality," he said, "but what happened to 'Hello, Chumly. How are you?' "

  "I'm sorry. I'm in a bit of a hurry. Can we just...."

  "Skeeve! How's it going, handsome?"

  A particularly curvaceous bundle of green-haired loveliness had just emerged from the ladies' room.

  "Oh. Hi, Tananda. How 'bout it, Chumly?"

  Tananda's smile of welcome disappeared, to be replaced by a puzzled frown.

  " 'Oh. Hi, Tananda?' " she repeated, shooting a look at the troll. "Does anything strike you as strange about that rather low-key greeting, big brother?"

  "No stranger than the greeting I just got," Chumly confided. "Just off-hand, I'd say that either our young friend here has forgotten his manners
completely, or he's gotten himself into a spot of trouble."

  Their eyes locked and they nodded.

  "Trouble," they said together.

  "Cute," I grimaced. "Okay, so I'm in a mess. I'm not asking you to get involved. In fact, I think I've got it worked out myself. All I want is for you to pop me back to Klah."

  Brother and sister stepped to my side.

  "Certainly," Chumly smiled. "You don't mind if we tag along, though, do you?"

  "But I didn't ask you to..."

  "When have you had to ask for our help before, handsome?" Tananda scolded, slipping an arm around my waist. "We're your friends, remember?"

  "But I think I've got it handled..."

  "...In which case, having us along won't hurt," the troll insisted.

  "Unless, of course, something goes wrong," Tananda supplied. "In which case, we might be able to lend a hand."

  "...And if the three of us can't handle it, we'll be there to pull you out again," Chumly finished.

  I should have known better than to try to argue with the two of them when they were united.

  "But...if...well, thanks," I managed. "I didn't really expect this. I mean, you don't even know what the trouble is."

  "You can tell us later," Tananda said firmly, starting her conjuring to move us through the dimensions. "Incidentally, where's Aahz?"

  "That's part of the problem," I sighed. And we were back!

  Not just back on Klah, back in my own quarters in the palace. As luck would have it, we weren't alone. Someday I'll have time to figure out if it was good luck or bad.

  The King was trussed up hand and foot on my bed, while Massha and J. R. Grimble were each enjoying a goblet of wine, and apparently each other's company. At least, that was the scene when we arrived. Once Massha and Tananda set eyes on each other, the mood changed dramatically.

  "Slut," my new apprentice hissed.

  "No-talent mechanic," Tananda shot back.

  "Is that freak on our payroll?" Grimble interrupted, staring at Chumly.

  "Spoken like a true bean-counter," the troll sneered.

  I tried to break it up.

  "If we can just..."

  That brought Grimble's attention to me.

  "You!" he gasped. "But if you're Skeeve, then who's...."

  "King Rodrick of Possiltum," I supplied, nodding to the bound figure on the bed. "And now that everybody knows each other, can you all shut up while I tell you what our next move is?"

  Chapter Thirteen

  "Marriage, being a lifelong venture, must be approached with care and caution."

  -Bluebeard

  THE wedding went off without a hitch.

  I don't known why I had been worried. There were no interruptions, no missed lines, nobody protested or even coughed at the wrong time. As was previously noted, Queen Hemlock had handled the planning to the last minute detail...except for a few surprises we were holding back.

  That's why I was worried! My cronies and I knew that as gaudy and overdone as the Royal Wedding was, it was only the warm-up act for the main event. There was also the extra heat on me of knowing that I hadn't shared all of my plans with my co-conspirators. It seemed that was another bad habit I had picked up from Aahz.

  Grimble and Badaxe were at their usual places as mismatched bookends to the throne, while Chumly, Tananda, Massha, and I, courtesy of my disguise spells and Badaxe's pull as general, were lined up along the foot of the throne as bodyguards. Everything was set to go...if we ever got the time!

  As dignitary after dignitary stepped forward to offer his or her congratulations and gifts, I found little to occupy my thoughts except how many things could go wrong with my little scheme. I had stuck my neck out a long way with my plan, and if it didn't work, a lot of people would be affected, starting with the king and subjects of Possiltum.

  The more I thought, the more I worried until, instead of wishing the dignitaries would hurry, I actually found myself hoping they would take forever and preserve this brief moment of peace.

  Of course, no sooner did I start hoping things would last then they were over. The last well-wisher was filing out and the Queen herself rising to leave when Grimble and Badaxe left their customary positions and stepped before the throne.

  "Before you go, my dear," Rodrick said, "our retainers wish to extend their compliments."

  Queen Hemlock frowned slightly, but resumed her seat.

  "The Chancellor of the Exchequer stands ready to support their majesties in any way," Grimble began. "Of course, even with the new influx of wealth into the treasury, we must watch needless expenses. As always, I stand ready to set the example in cost savings, and so have decided that to purchase a present for you equal to my esteem would be a flagrant and unnecessary expense, and therefore..."

  "Yes, yes, Grimble," the King interrupted. "We understand and appreciate your self-sacrifice. General Badaxe?"

  Grimble hesitated, then yielded the floor to his rival. "I am a fighting man, not a speechmaker," the General said abruptly. "The army stands ready to support the kingdom and the throne of Possiltum. As for myself...here is my present."

  He removed the axe from his belt and laid it on the stairs before the throne.

  Whether he was offering his pet weapon or his personal allegiance, I found the gesture eloquent beyond words.

  "Thank you. General Badaxe, Grimble," Queen Hemlock said loftily. "I'm sure I can..."

  "My dear," the King interrupted softly. "There is another retainer."

  And I was on.

  Screwing up my courage, I dropped my disguise and stepped before the throne.

  "Your majesties, the Great Skeeve gives you his congratulations on this happy event."

  The Queen was no fool. For one beat her eyes popped open and on the next she was staring at the King. You could almost hear her thoughts: "If the Magician is there, then the man I just married is..."

  "That's right, your majesty. As you yourself said in our earlier conversations, 'Royalty has married royalty.' "

  While it might have been nice dramatically to savor that moment, I noticed the Queen's eyes were narrowing thoughtfully, so I hurried on.

  "Before you decide how to express your joy," I warned, "perhaps I should explain my gift to the throne."

  Now the thoughtful gaze was on me. I expressed my own joy by sweating profusely.

  "My gift is the wedding rings now worn by both king and queen. I hope you like them, because they won't come off."

  Queen Hemlock made one brief attempt to remove her ring, then her eyes were on me again. This time, the gaze wasn't thoughtful.

  "Just as the fate of the kingdom of Possiltum is linked to the throne, as of the moment you donned those rings, your fates are linked to each other. By the power of a spell so simple it cannot be broken or countered, when one of you dies, so does the other."

  The Queen didn't like that at all, and even the King showed a small frown wrinkle on his forehead, as if contemplating something he had not previously considered. That was my signal to clarify things for him...that there was an implication to the rings that I hadn't mentioned to him.

  "This is not intended as a 'one-sided' gift, for just as Queen Hemlock must now protect the health and well-being of her king, so must King Rodrick defend his queen against all dangers...all dangers." The King was on his feet now, eyes flashing. "What is that supposed to mean. Lord Magician?" As adept as I was at becoming at courtly speech, there were things which I felt were best said in the vernacular.

  "It means if you or anybody else kills her, say, on your orders, then, you're dead. Now SIT DOWN AND LISTEN!!"

  All the anger and frustration I had felt since figuring out the King was trying to double-cross me, but had been too busy to express, found its vent in that outburst. It worked. The King sank back into his chair, pale and slightly shaken.

  I wasn't done, though. I had been through a lot, and a few words weren't enough to settle my mind. "Since I accepted this assignment, I've heard nothing but
how ruthless and ambitious Queen Hemlock is. Well, that may be true, BUT SHE ISN'T GETTING ANY PRIZE EITHER! Right now. King Rodrick, I have more respect for her than I have for you. She didn't abandon her kingdom in the middle of a crisis."

  I began to pace back and forth before the thrones as I warmed to my topic.

  "Everybody talks about 'our duty to the throne.' It's the guiding directive in the walk-a-day life of commoners. What never gets mentioned is 'the throne's duty to the people.' "

  I paused and pointed directly at the King. "I sat in that chair for a while. It's a lot of fun, deciding people's lives for them. Power is heady, and the fringe benefits are great! All that bowing and scraping, not to mention one heck of a wardrobe. Still, it's a job like any other, and with any job you sometimes have to do things you don't like. Badaxe doesn't just parade and review his troops, he has to train them and lead them into battle...you know, as in 'I could get killed out here' battle. Grimble spends ungodly hours poring over those numbers of his for the privilege of standing at your side.

  "Any job has its pluses and minuses, and if the minuses outweigh the pluses, you screw up your courage and quit...unless, of course, you're King Rodrick. Then, instead of abdicating and turning the pluses and minuses over to someone else, you stick someone else with doing the job in your name and sneak out a back door. Maybe that's how people do their jobs where you were raised, but I think it's conduct a peasant would be ashamed of."

  I faced them, hands defiantly on my hips. "Well, I've done my job. The kingdom has been protected from the immediate threat. With any luck, you two will learn to work together. I trust King Rodrick can dilute the queen's ambition. I only hope that Queen Hemlock's fiery spirit can put a little more spine and courage into the King."

  This time it was Queen Hemlock who was on her feet. "Are you going to let him talk to you like that. Roddie? You're the king. Nobody pushes a king around."

  "Guards!" Rodrick said tightly. "Seize that man." It had worked! King and Queen were united against a common foe...me! Now all I had to do was survive it.

  One more mind pass, and my comrades stood exposed as the outworlders they were.