Chapter 24
Beck
"You've been spending a lot of time at your studio," Jax says when I open the door of my apartment. "Clive even said he stopped by to see you."
"He did." I motion towards the kitchen. "I have something I want you to look over for me."
"What?" He stops mid-step. "You didn't try and cook something, did you?"
Jax knows that I'm a better cook than he is. Virtually everything in our lives has been a competition. I'm not sure if we'll ever change but then again, I'm not sure we need to.
"I'm designing a studio. I had some plans drawn up."
"What?" He grabs hold of one of my shoulders. "You're shitting me."
"Come." I point at the kitchen table. "Take a look and tell me what you think."
I stand in silence as he pours over the plans an architect prepared for me. I have mock ups of the completed space once it's completely decorated. It's simple, elegant and will afford me all the room I need to not only paint, and teach, but also to show the work my students complete.
"Brighton," he says my name so quietly I'm unsure that I even heard it. "This is fucking amazing. Seriously? What the fuck is this?"
I laugh at his reaction. I may never admit it to him, but Jax's approval means the world to me. I need him to see the vision the same way that I do. He's not creative in an artistic sense, but he understands aesthetics. He almost single-handedly designed his wives jewelry store and design studio. It's sophisticated and conveys her brand to a tee.
"You like it?" I pat him on the back.
"I fucking love it." He glances over his shoulder at me. "This is better than I what I imagined it would be."
"I want it to be a space that students can come to and feel comfortable enough to create." I point towards a row of windows I'm having installed along the west wall. "I'll set up everything for them in this room. The natural sunlight will be perfect."
"You're going to teach." I hear the pride in his voice even if I can't see his expression. "You're going to teach people to paint."
"People, kids, whoever wants to learn." I know I sound excited. I can't contain it. This has been my dream since I bought the space.
"I can't remember the last time I saw you like this." He finally turns around. "I'm not sure I've ever seen you this excited about your work."
I know he hasn't because I've never had the drive to undertake all of this before. "I need this. I want Zoe to be proud of me."
The moment I say her name I realize. It fell into my words so effortlessly. It's like it belongs there. It does. She does.
"Zoe?" He cocks a brow.
"She's a friend," I say honestly. "We met a few weeks ago. She's an amazing person, Jax."
"A friend?" I hear the unmistakable skepticism in his words. "You're telling me that a woman who is just a friend has inspired all of this?"
"That's part of it," I start to explain before I realize I can't. "Zoe is different than anyone I've ever known. I like being around her. I like how she sees me. I want to be that guy that she thinks I am."
"You sound exactly like me when I met Ivy." He points at the papers strewn on the table. "If Zoe is behind all of this, why are you two just friends? Is she involved with someone else?"
Someone else? I've never, even for a second, considered the possibility.
"She's getting over something." I'm not going to reveal any of Zoe's pain to my brother. It's not my place to do that. "I don't think she's ready to date yet."
"Who said anything about dating?"
I shrug awkwardly. I don't want to think about Zoe fucking another guy. "She doesn't strike me as the type to just do a guy without there being more between them."
"How well do you know her?" He gestures towards me with a nod of his chin. "You fucked anything you could get your hands on after Liz dumped you. What makes you think she's not doing that to get over whatever happened to her?"
I don't want that doubt lingering in my mind. "You don't know her, Jax. You don't know how sweet she is."
"Don't start feeling things in here," he stops to tap me on the chest. "Don't fall for her, Brighton, until you're absolutely sure there's no one else."
"There's no one else, Jax," I say it as much to convince myself as him.
"You better be sure. You better be damn sure before you let this girl get any closer to you. Look what happened with Liz. She'll never get over Mark even though he's dead."
He's just being protective. He knows what I went through. As much as I want to argue the point he's making, I can't. He's right. Until I know what's going on with Zoe, I can't let myself want her even more than I already do.
Chapter 25
Zoe
"I'm dropping off my application for law school today." I hold the envelope in my hands. "I'm really nervous."
"I'm sure it will be fine." He arches his neck to the side to read what I wrote on the non-descript yellow envelope. "It's just an application. The nerves will really kick in once you start classes."
I have no doubt that he's right. "I have more than a year to prepare for that. I can handle it, Beck."
"I know you can." He crosses his hands on his lap. "Is that why you texted telling me you wanted to see me today?"
It's not. I just happen to have the application with me because after I spoke to Bridget last night, I realized that I need to expand my horizons more. I've been hesitant to apply to law school because it's such a permanent step. If I'm accepted, this is going to be my home for the foreseeable future so I need to grow my roots. I need to make new friends. I want to try to live my life again.
"Was there something you wanted to talk about, Zoe?"
"When I was at the extended care center last week, I saw the paintings you dropped off." I smile when I think about how excited Ramona was to show me the work that Beck had done for them. "I wanted to talk about that."
"What about it?"
He's different. I've never seen him grumpy and this is bordering on that. He's being standoffish.
I first noticed it when he responded to my text with a curt message telling me to meet him at this coffee shop in mid-town and not at his studio. When I went to hug him when I first arrived, he'd dodged my advance by looking at his smartphone. It was subtle but I know that there's a meaning there.
"Remember that I told you that I help out at a non-profit that helps homeless women?" I don't want to go into the details of all the good work they're doing there but this has been hounding me for weeks and I want to get the question off my chest now.
"I remember that."
I look down at the envelope in my hand. This may not be the best day to ask this but I'm out on a limb now so I may as well take the plunge. "I was hoping that you could donate something to them as well."
His face is stoic. His brow rises as he takes a drink of the coffee he ordered before I arrived. It's not cocoa. He didn't get me one either.
"I understand... I know that it's a lot to ask of you," I fumble to find the right words. "I know your artwork is very valuable. I was just hoping that you could help them too."
"I'll help." He runs his index finger over the rim of the cup. "If you text me the name and address of the organization, I'll have Albert write them a check."
I didn't ask for that. I wanted him to give them a piece of his beautiful artwork so they could auction it off. It would not only bring funds into their coffers, but it would draw interest to their plight. I had plans to help them organize a fundraiser with his art as the focal point of it. "That's really kind."
"It's the right thing to do." He taps his foot nervously against the floor. "Was there anything else, Zoe?"
I've feel as though I've offended him. I've done something that is making him retreat. The last time I saw him before today was when we were in his studio together. He'd shown his work to Scarlett and we'd joked afterwards as we sat close together on the couch. I'd wanted to kiss him then. I still do. The only difference today is that I'm certain he wouldn't kiss me
back.
"I can come over and make you dinner this week." I don't even know why I say it. I'm clinging. I didn't want to become this person.
"Dinner?" He brings the coffee to his lips and takes a heavy swallow.
"You told me that I could cook you dinner at your place one night."
"Right." He nods his head slowly. "I'll have to take a rain check."
"You can't do it this week?"
"I have plans almost every night this week," he says quietly as he stands. "I need to get back to my studio. Good luck with the application."
I don't turn as he walks away. It's happened. Bridget was right. Beck met someone else and I've been kicked to the curb.
Chapter 26
Beck
It should be better like this. The only problem is that it isn't. When I saw her at the coffee shop last week, I saw the woman I want to make love to. I saw the only woman who has made me want to be an honest and good man. I saw the woman who holds my heart within the palm of her hand. Zoe can break me. She can make me fall to my knees.
She's oblivious to it all. When she looks at me she sees a friend. She doesn't want me the same way I want her and if I don't walk away from her now, one day she's going to come to my studio and tell me she's fallen in love with someone who isn't worthy of her and I'll have to watch her plan a life with him. I'm smart enough to know that what I feel for her transcends anything I've ever felt in my life before. I would sacrifice everything to erase her past for her. I would give up every worldly possession I own if it would wipe her memory clean of that day on the bridge.
I can't fall in love with her. I won't do it. If I walk away now, I'll save myself the pain.
"Brighton," Jerry bellows my name into the empty space as he walks through the studio door. "What the fuck is going on? I read online that you're headed to London to organize a museum showing."
"Shit," I whisper under my breath. I thought the news wouldn't break until I was an ocean away from Jerry. "I'm not leaving tomorrow. It's next month."
"You're not going anywhere." He brushes past me. "Every piece you've got here is going into our gallery show. You're not doing the museum. It's not happening."
I appreciate everything Jerry does for me, but I'm still the one cutting his check. "I'm doing both."
"You can't do both."
"Why the fuck not?" I spit the question at him. "It's my work. I say what we do."
"Show me all the paintings that you've got done for the museum." He waves his chubby hand around the barren space. "I don’t see them. Do you?"
He's a bastard sometimes and he knows it. If I didn't trust him as much as I do, I'd fire him and find a new manager but at this point in my career, the thought of bringing someone else on board is too stressful. I can't do it. I need the asshole just as much as he needs me.
"I'll get them done."
"Show me what you've done this week." His hand grips the edge of the blank canvas I've been staring at for days. "Nothing has changed since I was here a week ago."
He's right. I've been here all day, virtually every single day, and I haven't painted a single stroke. All I've done is think about Zoe and how dejected she looked when I walked out of the café and left her sitting there.
"You have to get it together, Brighton." He picks up a brush. "You're on the cusp of a comeback, don't fuck this up. You mess up again and it's going to be over."
It's dramatic. I doubt like hell that my work will stop selling if I don't follow through on the contract we signed two weeks ago for the gallery space.
"I'm not messing up." I eye him with a pleading look. "I'm going to get it done."
"You're going to take off to London with these paintings and bail on me, aren't you?"
I'd thought about it. Going to London next month is based partially on my desire to do the museum show there and it's also the perfect escape from my life here. The undeniable urge to flee my responsibilities is taking over again and it's all because I can’t get Zoe out of my mind.
***
"What are you doing here?"
Zoe turns towards me at the sound of my voice. Her gaze is empty. "Albert had the check ready for the non-profit. I came to pick it up."
"I didn't know you'd be here." I move around her to walk into the room from the doorway.
"He said you haven't been showing up until late afternoon so I thought I'd have time before you got here." Her eyes don't settle on me at all. They are glued to where Albert is sitting behind his desk. "I can leave and have him mail it."
"You're here now." I rest my jacket on the coffee table. "I need to get to work."
Albert's head pops up from where it's been buried within some documents on his desk. He's been bullshitting her. I haven't left the studio most nights. The couch isn't the most comfortable but I've been able to drift off to sleep for at least a few hours before he's shown up every day at ten to start work. Today, when he waltzed in here two hours ago, I had brushed past him to say I was going home to shower and change clothes. He knew I'd be right back. He asked her to come down here so I'd have to face her.
"Thank you again for the check." Her voice is soft and warm.
I know it's a bad idea but I look at her. I look at her beautiful face because I want to see it one last time. After today, I'm going to get my shit together and go to London. I can't wait until next month. Knowing she's in the same city as I am is suffocating me from the inside out.
The pain on her face is devastating. It almost brings me to my knees because this time when I look into her eyes, it's not someone else who pulled her apart. This time I'm the asshole who has made her feel that.
"You need to go, Albert," I say the words loudly before I even register what I'm doing. "You're done for the day."
"What?"
"Get out." I motion towards the door behind Zoe. "Leave now. Right now."
He doesn't wait more than a beat before he's on his feet. I can see him moving quickly through the corner of my eye.
"I'll be back tomorrow, sir."
"Fine," I whisper the word against my lips as I hear the door shut, leaving me, and the woman I know now I'm falling in love with, standing in silence.
Chapter 27
Zoe
When Albert called me to tell me to come down to Beck's office I'd taken more than an hour to choose something to wear. It was as if I was planning one of those big reveals that you see on morning television shows when they give someone a makeover. I'd put on every single dress I own and finally decided on the simple grey wool shift dress that I'd worn when I first came to his studio weeks ago. I'd put on makeup today, hoping that by some odd chance, he'd show up here while I was here.
My heart had literally stopped a full beat when I heard the heavy door behind me opening. It could have been Jerry, or a courier, but I knew it was Beck. I felt him as the door opened. That sense that I get when he's near me was heightened.
"Beck?" I say his name knowing that once I walk out of here today, I'll likely never say it to his face again.
"What is it, Zoe?"
"Is she good to you?" I can't look at him when he answers that. I don't really want to know but I have to know. I've been thinking about what the woman he's met must be like. Judging by what I've read online about who he's dated in the past, she's going to be nothing like I am.
He takes a step towards me. "Who?"
"I don't know her name." I shrug my shoulders slightly. "I mean there's nothing online written about her yet."
His brow furrows slightly. "About who?"
"About the woman you're seeing." I push my boot against the exposed concrete of the floor. "I don't need to know her name. I'd rather not know. I just want to know that she's not going to hurt you."
He swallows hard as he sucks in a deep breath. He pulls his hand through his messy hair. "I'm not seeing anyone, Zoe. There's no one."
"Not seeing," I clarify. "Sleeping with? I know that it's not my business but I know you've been hurt before and I hope that
she's good to you."
"Zoe." He steps even closer and I lean my back into the door. "I haven't met anyone. I'm not seeing anyone or involved with anyone. There is no one in my life."
My eyes travel a slow path over his heavy brows, past his vibrant blue eyes and chiseled features before they settle on his lips. "You're not seeing anyone?"
"I spend all of my time here." He's almost touching me now he's so close. "I stay here all day and almost every night."
I can't absorb the words. I'd been under the assumption, since I saw him at the coffee shop the day I handed in my application for law school that he pulled back so abruptly because he met someone else. It was the silent explanation I needed to justify how cold he had become to me. Even this past week, when I'd sent him two text messages asking if he was having a good day, he'd never replied.
"What did I do?" I whisper the question quietly into the narrow space between us even though I know every article in the magazines I read would tell me to keep a firm upper lip and play hard to get. Advice like that only works when the man in question actually wants you in a way that doesn't involve being best friends.
He retreats almost immediately both physically and emotionally. A haze takes over his expression as he turns to walk towards Albert's desk. "I need some water. Do you want something?"
"I want the truth, Beck."
He exhales slowly as he bends to pull two water bottles out of the fridge. "I've always been honest with you, Zoe."
"No, you haven't been," I challenge.
His back is still facing me as he opens a bottle and downs more than half of its contents in a single swallow. "I don't want to lie to you."
"Answer one question for me." I can feel my heart thudding. My mind is racing back to my conversation with Bridget about friendship and risk. "Just one question, Beck and then I'll leave you alone."
He turns toward me again now. His features have softened. He's more in control. "I'll answer anything you want me to, Zoe."
"Have you ever thought about kissing me?" I pull my hand towards my neck. I feel so exposed. I'm putting it all out there because this is it. If I don't do this now, I may never get another chance again. "Did you ever think of me as more than just a friend?"
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