Every One Of Me

by Jessica Wilde

  Obviously, she still didn't remember that I had told her my feelings for her and she had told me the same things. That was years ago, and next day it was like nothing had ever even happened. That's when I told Sarah that I thought something was wrong. She made me promise not to say anything to Tess until she spoke with a therapist. For the entire junior year of high school, she went to a therapist under the impression that it was for the occasional anxiety she had been feeling. She always complained about it and said her mom was always overreacting about everything she did. It killed me to not tell her, but I told her it wasn't going to hurt anything and convinced her to do it for her mom.

  When she spent an entire week after one of her appointments acting strange and moody, I begged Sarah to let me talk to her about her so called 'blackouts', but I promised to wait. She didn't want Tess to be tortured for the rest of high school because of something she couldn't understand. We thought it was suppressed memories from when she was little and living with an angry drunk for a father and maybe it was causing the anxiety and everything else. I didn't believe that entirely, but I didn't know of any other explanation. I researched everything I could, but everything I found seemed too farfetched at the time.

  After we graduated, I thought things would work out with us and there hadn't really been very many incidents our senior year. She was carefree and full of life. She stopped seeing the therapist and everything got better. We planned on attending college together and I was looking forward to finally having a way to be with her. I wish I would have kept my mouth shut until we moved away. She wouldn't have had the chance to run.

  Now, knowing what had been really happening to her for most of her life - I just couldn't get my head around it. Was she on medication? Was she safe living at home? Would me pushing myself back into her life make it worse?

  I had so many questions, no answers, and no idea what to do next.

  "Just love her, Charlie," Sarah had said before I walked out the door. "Love her and don't let her push you away."

  So there I was, pulling into my driveway and replaying the promise I had made to her and to myself over and over again. "I'm not going anywhere, Sarah. And neither is she."

  Chapter 4

  Tessa

  I opened my eyes and squinted at the bright light shining in through the crappy blinds hanging over my bedroom window. Charlie had given me dark red curtains to cover it years ago and I had ripped them down before I left and stuffed them into a box with everything else that reminded me of him and stashed it in the attic. After waking up to the annoying brightness, I promised myself to either go find them or buy some new ones right away.

  Life would certainly be different here. I had gotten so used to my routine with Benny. I needed to create a new one to keep me busy and keep my head on straight. No use diving right into the drama I knew was waiting for me.

  I brushed my teeth, combed through the tangles in my long hair, and pulled on a robe before walking down to the kitchen for some breakfast. Trevor was at the table drinking a huge cup of coffee and reading through the sports section when I walked in. He must have gotten up early because he was dressed and ready to go and he lived a few miles away.

  "Morning, T. How did you sleep?" he asked warily.

  "Great! Slept like a baby," I lied, and he knew it. It took me hours to fall asleep since I was straining to hear Charlie's voice the whole time he was here and then trying to forget my reaction to him hugging me the rest of the night. I had probably only slept a few hours and I was going to pay for it later.

  "Uh huh, I bet you did," Trevor said looking quite amused. "Brought you a muffin from town and there's fresh coffee in the pot."

  "Oh, no coffee for me. Makes me crazy," I said sarcastically and it made him wince. "Have a sense of humor, Trev. It's the only way to survive this."

  "Yeah, well I don't think the world is ready for your sense of humor, T." He shook his head, but I saw the corners of his mouth twitch as if he were struggling to contain a smile.

  "Interesting. My friend, Benny, said that exact same thing."

  His head snapped up from his coffee cup and he looked panicked. "Benny? Who the hell is Benny? He better not be some boyfriend we don't know about."

  "Calm down, Trev. Benny is a girl. She was my roommate back in Massachusetts," I said rolling my eyes at him.

  He scrunched his face up and looked confused, "Why does she have a guy's name?"

  I smiled, thinking back to the first conversation I had with Benny about her name. Trevor would be flat on his ass right now if she were here. "Her full name is Bennett, she just prefers Benny. Says it helps weed out who she can trust."

  "Huh?"

  "Don't worry about it," I said and took a huge bite of the chocolate chip muffin Trevor bought for me. It was delicious and exactly as I remembered. I used to get one of these every Sunday with Charlie. He would get the lemon poppy seed and we would trade back and forth since neither of us could really afford to buy both for ourselves. I shook the memory away and took another bite. I had to keep those thoughts at a distance.

  "I like your hair. It's really long," Trevor mumbled.

  "Thanks! I'm glad I haven't woken up to see it chopped off. It's been forever since I've had it this long."

  "What do you mean by that? Why would you wake up to it chopped off?"

  I sighed in frustration, realizing he still didn't know the full extent of who I was now. "One of the alters hates it long. She usually chops it. Hates having anything hanging on her neck. I think Dr. D convinced her to just pull it up into a pony tail instead of trying to cut it. Benny told her she looked like a freak with it short and it looked better in the pony tail anyway."

  "Um, okay? I'm so confused," Trevor said and looked a little paler than usual.

  I explained to him that an alter was one of the different identities I had. "I have two alters that I know of, each with a distinct personality and her own name. They even have their own postures, gestures, and way of talking. I have videos and recordings if you would like to see."

  He couldn't seem to come up with the words for a response so I kept talking. "I'll just explain everything to you now so you can get it over with. It's a lot to take in."

  He nodded, so I continued.

  "The switch that usually takes place is for Lydia. She is the alter that reveals herself the most often. Her name is Lydia Cooper, she is about 32 I think. She has a higher voice than me and stands up a lot straighter than I ever would. Sometimes I like to think she grew up in England around royalty or something. She thinks that is pretty hilarious." He hadn't moved an inch and his expression was still shock. "Like I said before, she hates the long hair and she is really opinionated. She's nice, but will tell you if you look like shit without blinking. You'll know she's out for sure if I start telling you dirty 'knock knock' jokes. She's pretty funny if you ask me. Just to warn you though, she will hate Ellie. Benny had a hard enough time with her and she is the coolest chick I have ever met."

  "Why would she hate Ellie if she can get along with Benny?" he asked slowly. His voice was a little shaky, but the color in his cheeks came back and he seemed to be relaxing the more I spoke. That or he was just so completely lost that he decided to not even try catching up.

  "She hates girls, says they piss her off. Especially girls who have a flare for the dramatic and are high maintenance."

  He nodded, "Well, I guess that makes sense. Ellie is a little dramatic sometimes."

  I rolled my eyes again, but he didn't notice. Maybe he really was brain washed. "Anyway, I think you would like her. She's got some issues, but is more like me than you would think. At least, she is now from what Benny and Dr. Deacon told me. I don't mind her too much except for her problem with my hair."

  He cleared his throat and took another gulp of his coffee. "And the other… um, alter?"

  I shifted in my chair a bit and took a cleansing breath. The other one made me nervous. "She's… different. I don't switch with her that much?"

/>   "Switch?"

  "Oh yeah, 'switching' is when the identity reveals itself and takes over. It can take seconds, minutes, or days to happen. Depends on what's going on, I guess." I shrugged my shoulders and took another bite of the muffin.

  "And when you switch with her?"

  "Her name is Camryn Garrett, she is in her early thirties. We figure she only shows up when I'm really upset about something. She is kind of my defense against that stuff I guess. From what I hear, she is very protective of me."

  "She doesn't sound so bad," he said and quirked his eyebrow. He could tell I was nervous, but didn't call me out on it.

  "Well, she is… bad I mean. She can be a real bitch when she wants to be."

  He watched me closely for a minute while I avoided eye contact. He was taking this well, but I could tell he wasn't sure of what to say about it. "And you only have the two?"

  I nodded, "That I know of. That's one of the reasons I came back. There is a Dr. Geoffrey who practices here and is really experienced with this stuff. He does a lot of psychotherapy that he thinks might help me learn to live with… all this. Hypnosis and stuff."

  He stood and walked over to the coffee pot, pouring a full mug and took a few sips before turning back to me. "Have you already tried that? In Massachusetts?"

  "Yep. Both of them are pretty responsive to the hypnosis. Dr. Geoffrey seems to think we can find out my triggers a little more specifically the more we talk to them and maybe get a little more in depth about the 'why'. We are going to try to work at integration or just some type of communication between us. I'm not co-conscious, or aware, of what is going on during a switch. The alters are aware of me, but not each other unless they are made aware. I don't know, that's something I will start working on once Dr. Geoffrey gets a little more experience with me and what my case is. I haven't been at this very long, so there is a possibility of someone else showing up. I can't think about that now, though." I took the last bite of the muffin and crumbled the wrapper between my hands.

  "You seem to be taking everything… really well."

  I patted myself on the back for my Oscar worthy performance. I was suffering, but no one needed to know that. I woke up every day feeling unpredictable and frustrated. "I have to, Trev. What else can I do? There's no cure. I just have to deal with whatever comes and try to keep away from any triggers. This isn't some simple thing I am dealing with here. I don't have a control switch or anything. If anything bad even comes close to happening, I'll go back."

  He stumbled and almost dropped his coffee, spilling it all over his hands. "What do you mean you'll go back?"

  I just shrugged.

  "You can't leave, Tessa. Not now."

  "Why not?"

  A knock at the door stopped him from saying anything else and he hurried out of the kitchen cleaning his hands off with the towel. I pulled a glass down from the cupboard then pulled the milk out of the fridge. I was in the process of pouring myself a large glass when that smooth deep voice came from the doorway making me spill milk all over the counter.

  "Good morning, Tess."

  I spun around and met that green gaze that I saw every time I closed my eyes. The sound of the milk dripping to the floor was the only thing I could hear except for the steady pulse in my head.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," he said and hurried over to grab some paper towels to clean up the mess.

  "What… what are you doing here?" I pressed and cursed myself for stuttering.

  His lips turned up into a sly grin, "I believe I answered that question last night, Tess. Why wouldn't I be here? My best friend, who took off five years ago leaving everything and everyone who cared about her behind, just came home."

  I cringed and felt like I had been slapped in the face. He immediately looked apologetic, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I understand why you left. I just…"

  I snatched the paper towels from his hand and started cleaning up the spilled milk and avoiding as much eye contact as possible. "You couldn't possibly understand," I muttered under my breath. I wasn't quiet enough, though, because he responded immediately.

  "You are right. I don't understand, but I want to." He was standing right behind me as I rinsed my hands and tossed the paper towels in the trash can under the sink. I could feel the heat radiating off of him and a shiver ran up my spine. And not the bad kind either."I don't know all the reasons you took off and I don't know everything you have been through over the last 5 years. But I want to."

  I couldn't turn around to face him. I was terrified of what I might see. I knew if I saw his face, I would crumble to a pitiful lovesick mess right at his feet and I wouldn't have any problem with it. His hand rested on my shoulder and I had to grip the counter tightly to keep myself upright after feeling the familiar current run through me and the air in the room thicken significantly. "Please don't, Charlie," I whispered. "I can't… do this."

  His hand fell from my shoulder and I nearly cried out at the loss. Without looking at him, I turned and walked out of the kitchen just as Trevor walked in looking confused and awkward.

  "You ready, Charlie?" he said.

  I took the stairs two at a time, making my way to Mom's room. I paused at the top of the stairs and listened to my brother comfort him. Charlie's voice was quiet, but held the determination he always demonstrated, "I'm not giving up, Trevor."

  The sting of tears threatening my eyes was a major wakeup call for me and I realized right then that regardless of how logical it was for me to avoid the emotions he caused, there was no possible way I could avoid Charlie without suffering any internal damage.

  I opened the door to my mother's room and saw her sitting up in bed with a laptop in front of her. I knew, before she even gave me the guilty look, that she was searching Google.

  "Find anything interesting?" I asked, flashing her an amused grin.

  She pulled off her cute old lady glasses and shrugged, "A few things, but mostly stuff that makes little sense to an old woman like me."

  I shut the door and climbed onto the bed next to her. "You're not old, Mom, and I'm no expert, but I might have some information for you."

  She closed the laptop and smiled as I snuggled in close to her. "Hit me with it."

  I proceeded to tell her everything I had explained to Trevor. She took it a little better than he did and even threw out a few jokes. By the time I had explained everything to her, answered her questions, and told her what the plan was, it was lunch time. Trevor had come back from where ever it was he had gone with Charlie with his arms full of ice cream and cheese pizza.

  "Compliments of Charlie Mackenzie," he said when I grabbed a slice.

  I paused with the slice midway to my open mouth and narrowed my eyes at my devious brother.

  "Don't look at me like that. I was ready to come home. He was the one who forced me to drive to the store for him. Shoved all this in my arms and told me to say 'Hi'." He held his arms up in surrender and backed away from the table. "He would have brought it in himself, but he wasn't sure how well that would be received seeing as how you have pretty much built a wall around you."

  I scowled at him, but it didn't hold for very long. He was right.

  I looked down at the slice in my hand with a pang of regret, wondering if maybe… I pulled a chunk of cheese away. When I saw the tiny pieces of bacon mixed in with the sauce, I about lost it. "He remembered?"

  My mother looked at me like I had grown a second head. "What? What is she talking about, Trevor?"

  Trevor smiled at her and shrugged, "Ask Tess." Then he walked out of the kitchen and out the front door.

  "Theresa? What's going on, sweetie?" She sat down next to me and peeked at the piece of pizza sitting unsteadily between my shaking fingers like it was a grenade and I had just pulled the pin.

  "Bacon in the sauce," was all I could get out. She looked hilariously confused, but shrugged and pulled a slice out for herself. I didn't even have to look at the ice cream to know what kind it was
. I knew he wouldn't have forgotten that. I hurried out of the kitchen and was pulling open the door with the pizza still in my hand and saw Trevor backing down the driveway with Charlie sitting in the passenger seat looking at me with a bright smile. Surprising myself, I smiled back and lifted the pizza in my hand with a thumbs up in the other. He gave me a thumbs up in return and I watched them drive away.

  It was a simple thing to someone who didn't know us well. The thumbs up was my attempt at keeping things simple. I really wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold on tight.

  I headed back into the house with that same smile plastered on my face and ran into Mom in the door of the kitchen.

  "You look happy," she said with a mouthful of pizza. "Care to share?" She was grinning knowingly, even though she had no idea what made me so happy. All she knew was that Charlie was the cause and that made her feel triumphant. She looked so young with that grin on her face and that flicker in her eyes and I felt a weightlessness that I hadn't had in a long, long time. It was good to be home.

  I plopped down in a chair and took a bite of the delicious pizza while Mom grabbed a couple spoons and pulled out the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. "When we were younger, I used to always wish that pizza was made with tiny pieces of bacon mixed in with the sauce. Whenever we got pizza together, I would ask them to make it special like that, but they always said no."

  Mom looked at the pizza a little closer. "And there is bacon in the sauce now?"

  I nodded, "Charlie convinced the pizza place to do it for me a few times and I always made such a big deal out of it. I didn't think he would remember that."

  She laughed and scooped out a spoonful of ice cream before setting the carton down in front of me. "Oh, sweetie. I think you should know that boy remembers everything about you. You were inseparable and he… that man adored you. Still does. You were best friends."