Every One Of Me

by Jessica Wilde

  "Is it okay for me to get a job?" I asked.

  "That's up to you. It might be a good idea to get a hold on things before you take on that responsibility."

  I should have known better, I still wasn't completely comfortable on my own, but I'm a stubborn woman. Ask everyone I know.

  "We can see how responsive you will be to my hypnosis on Monday and go from there. Until then, try to stay positive. Once I have established a form of communication with your alters, we can move on to the three of you communicating on your own."

  He shook my hand and left me standing in front of a middle aged blonde who looked like her face was going to split in two from the size of her smile.

  I didn't see how me communicating with the alters was going to help anything. Not remembering a switch, to me, was a blessing in disguise at times. I felt bad for the people who were co-conscious with their alters. Mine could party together as much as they wanted, but I wanted nothing to do with it. Even though, in the back of my mind, I knew I was being more destructive by thinking that way, I didn't care. I had to do this so I could move on with my life. From the look on Dr. Geoffrey's face today, though, I had a feeling I would be changing my way of thinking very soon.

  "What time of day is best for you on Monday, Ms. Marshall?" the receptionist asked in a high pitched, way too sweet to keep me from wanting to smack that smile off her face, voice.

  "Stay positive," I muttered to myself. "Stay positive and don't let people get to you."

  "I'm sorry, what was that?" she asked and leaned in closer to me.

  "Morning, please."

  ***

  Charlie stopped by each day, further convincing me that I was fighting against a force that was even more stubborn than myself. He was always relentless, but my God, he was like 10 times worse now. We didn't talk much except for the usual topics of conversation everyone shares with a long time acquaintance. I asked him about fighting, how his mother was doing and who her new husband was. I didn't really allow him to ask any questions and at first he was noticeably agitated, but continued to let me steer the conversations. They were short and sweet and always ended with me remembering that I had something important to do and leaving the house. I never had anything to do, I just couldn't continue to be in his presence and not throw myself at him.

  Years of suppressed attraction added to 5 years of separation? That equaled uncontrolled physical and emotional… feelings. I couldn't afford those kinds of feelings. Not when I knew things would go bad, eventually.

  He just kept showing up every day and continued from where ever we had left off. It made me start to waiver and I almost wanted to get a job now just so I could avoid him.

  Mom was no help no matter how much I begged her. She didn't want me to work and said that I could use my savings if I wanted, but it wasn't necessary.

  "I lost 5 years with you, dear. I want to make up some of that time."

  She also kept trying to trick me into leaving the house with Charlie. Out of nowhere, the milk she had just bought the day before was gone or she needed another block of cheese or we ran out of toilet paper and the perfect pair for the job was Charlie and me. I found a brand new giant package of toilet paper in the hall closet under some coats and ended her little game by Sunday. I figured all that milk had been poured out into the sink, but I didn't need to confirm it with her. She would never admit it.

  That didn't mean she stopped trying to come up with another trick.

  My appointment Monday was no less frustrating. We talked about triggers, stressors, and what kinds of things I could do to prevent them. After showing me a few exercises that were similar to Dr. Deacon's, he decided to spend the last few minutes of the session putting me under hypnosis.

  I didn't remember any of it, but when I came out of it, he seemed overly excited and confident that things would go smoothly from here on out. Hopefully. Apparently, he had spoken with Lydia. She seemed to think this whole thing was just spectacular. I scheduled another appointment for Thursday with Miss Happy Pants and was on my way.

  I told Mom all about the session when we went out for lunch and what do you know? We ran into Charlie Mackenzie, of all people. Mom always wanted to be an actress and I know why she never made it in the business. She was awful at it. Her surprised face looked like… well, not a surprised face at all. More like a cat-caught-the-canary-and-pretended-to-be-surprised-that-he-did-it face. Charlie was better at it. I just glared at the two of them and let them play out their little skit. After taking the last bite of my sandwich, I finally looked up to see Charlie watching me with a smug grin. When I rolled my eyes at him, he just shrugged and tilted his head toward Mom. His way of saying 'she made me do it'.

  I didn't see him again until Thursday morning before my appointment. He came to pick Trevor up for training and caught me in the kitchen in my tank and sleep shorts… oh yeah, with no bra. Now my breasts aren't really a slave to gravity, but they still haven't really decided so I am self conscious about them. I was in the middle of using a sharp knife to cut up some fruit and couldn't cross my arms in front of me fast enough to block the girls.

  Actually, that's not true. I honestly just froze at the sight of him. He looked incredible in his dark jeans and white t-shirt with his hair all messy like he just rolled out of bed and didn't touch it. No one should look that good in the morning. It's almost a crime. I didn't even remember being without a bra until my eyes moved back up to his and those greens were staring down a little too far. Before I could drop the knife and cover myself, he had already turned away and muttered something unintelligible about finding Trevor somewhere else. I didn't miss the pink in his cheeks as he walked out the door and the smile that spread across my face was unexpected.

  Oh, he was still so cute when he blushed.

  Dr. G went over a few protocols with me for the first few minutes of our session. He talked about safety issues and procedures that his staff would have to abide by should anything happen that would be a risk to myself or anyone around me. He obviously was a fan of my old chart from The Facility. Benny always said that thing would follow me around for the rest of my life and eventually would end up in People magazine or be published into some kind of crazy novel for people to drool over. I had finally walked out of the room when she asked me to promise to sign her copy before signing anyone else's because it would be worth more that way.

  God, I missed her.

  "Let's begin then, shall we?"

  He always spoke so formally and it made me feel like I needed to be sarcastic, but I resisted the urge.

  "Okay," I replied.

  "Are you comfortable, Ms. Marshall?" he asked smoothly.

  "Yep."

  "Alright, just like we did on Monday, I want you to settle in and take 3 deep breaths when you are most comfortable."

  I relaxed my muscles beginning with my toes and moving up my body until my neck was no longer holding my head up and I sank into the plush leather of the chair. He spoke for a few seconds, directing me into a deepened relaxed state. The last thought I remember was how I wish I could do this to myself at night and just block everything else out. Then I thought that might not be a good idea since I got my best thinking done while lying in bed staring at the ceiling. Then I thought about the things I thought about while lying in my bed and how strange it was being back in the home I grew up in and everything that happened as I grew up in that house…and I started to feel that disconnection I hated.

  Next thing I know, I'm opening my eyes to a couple guys holding me down in the chair and Dr. Geoffrey inches away from sticking a needle in my arm.

  "It's me, Doctor! It's Tessa!" I said like I was pleading for my life.

  He paused and studied my eyes before nodding at the guys still pinning me down and taking a step back. "Well, then we have a few things we need to discuss." He handed off the syringe and ran a shaky hand through his hair. He was always so controlled, so the slip surprised me.

  I shook the surprise away and reminded mysel
f that he was the professional who was going to help me through this, but he was still just a man. A human being who probably had seen a lot in his years, but who could still be a little shaken. Disturbed. Maybe even shocked. "Hit me with it. What happened?" I rubbed my forearms and saw the red marks from one of the guy's fingers. That's gonna bruise.

  "I met Camryn."

  My head snapped up, bruises forgotten, "And?"

  "She is very… I don't know the word," he said and rubbed the back of his neck. I hadn't ever seen him be anything but proper and formal. He always knew how to describe everything with words I had to look up when I got home.

  "Creepy? Bitchy? Maybe even a little psychotic?" I supplied. "Those words seem to be the ones used the most."

  "I would say she was more unpredictable. She seems to enjoy making other people squirm before she decides to lash out. She doesn't seem to be very agreeable either. We will have to find a different way to ask her about her needs and make her feel safe to see if we can get her to work with us," he stated and reached into his shirt pocket, pulling out his prescription pad. He scribbled something and tore off the small square of paper and handed it to me.

  "What's this?" I couldn't make out any of the letters he had written down. Typical.

  "I think it would be a good idea to take it easy for the remainder of the day," he said quietly and moved behind his desk. "I attempted to get you out of the hypnosis, but she took over completely."

  "You want me to spend the rest of the day drugged up? Is this some kind of sedative?" My tone was angry, incredulous. When he made eye contact with me, I immediately regretted getting so upset. He had obviously just experienced something rare and a little frightening by the look in his eyes.

  "Ms. Marshall, we just forced a switch that the alter had no way of controlling and she didn't like that, so she adapted. It almost ended in someone getting hurt." His fierce look told me he was a little more upset about what happened than he was letting on. "Since we have just started your treatment, we don't know what will happen now. We have to anticipate that Camryn will be… around. Especially since the look on your face shows more stress than you need right now."

  It made sense. Dr. Deacon had only pulled Camryn out on accident and I always ended up coming to in my bed with Benny staring down at me with awe plastered all over her face. The Facility had people constantly watching out for us. People around that were trained to handle situations that got out of control. Plus, they always had some kind of drug on hand that could take down a small elephant in a heartbeat.

  I was 99.9% sure that Mom had no training or drugs like that sitting around the house.

  "Okay."

  "Okay?" he asked, surprised by my easy acceptance.

  "Okay, I'll spend the rest of the day high as a kite if it means no trouble for my family," I murmured.

  "Well, you won't necessarily be high as a kite. In fact, what I am prescribing will knock you out for a good amount of time. Don't take it until you are somewhere safe where you can lie down." He smiled and gestured toward the door. "Let's schedule a session for Monday. In fact, I think it would be a good idea to see you every Monday and Thursday, indefinitely."

  I nodded in agreement and stood slowly. "Sounds like a plan, Doc."

  ***

  "What if you don't wake up?"

  My mom was not on board with the medication. In fact, I had spent the last 10 minutes trying to calm her down and stop her from marching into the doctor's office and knocking him out. She was pretty strong these days so I had no doubt she could get passed me if she really wanted to. Now, she had tears in her eyes and was looking at me like I was on my death bed.

  "Mom, calm down. Believe me, I've been given medications a helluva lot stronger than this one and as you can see, I always woke up. It's just a precaution," I explained. I had already told her all about the session, leaving out the parts about two large men holding me down and making sure to cover up the bruises already surfacing. She took it pretty well until I told her about the medication I was given.

  "Fine! But I swear to God, if you don't wake up, I'll shove every last one of these pills down that so called 'doctor's' throat," she used her quote fingers which I found absolutely hilarious, "and give him a taste of his own medicine. Literally!" I was shaking with laughter and had to clamp my lips together to try to keep it inside.

  "This isn't funny, Theresa!" she shouted.

  "It's a little funny," I said holding up my thumb and forefinger less than an inch apart and started shaking again, "I don't think I've seen you use quote fingers so much in my life than I have the last couple weeks. "

  "I did not use quote fingers!" She glared at me, but I saw the twitch at the corner of her mouth. She was fighting a smile and it made me happy.

  I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tightly, still laughing. "Okay, Mom."

  "Wait a sec! I just got an idea." She clapped her hands excitedly with the bottle of pills still in her hand, making them rattle. "Ellie is coming for dinner tomorrow night. Do you think we could crush some of these up and put them in her drink?"

  "Mom!" I snatched the bottle out of her hand and held it behind my back.

  "What? You know it's a good idea," she rolled her eyes with her hands on her hips as if she were scolding me.

  It was. It was probably the best idea she had ever had, but I didn't want her to go to jail, and I didn't know if it might actually kill the bitch. It was a good idea, though.

  Mom shrugged and casually stated, "We can talk about it later."Like the decision was still on the table.

  I opened the bottle, dumped out a small white pill, and handed it back to her to lock up in the safe at the back of her closet. "No." Then I popped the pill in my mouth and took a long drink of water out of the glass she handed me.

  "Later," she repeated with a big smile, then she walked out of the room.

  I took off the cardigan I had put on to hide the marks on my arms. I wasn't upset or resentful about them. I would rather end up with a few bruises than hurt someone or myself even worse. I pulled back the white comforter on my bed and climbed in. The pharmacist said the drug would start to work after a few minutes, so I stared up at the ceiling and waited. Charlie kept popping into my head and pissing me off more than usual. I thought of that morning's braless encounter and felt the embarrassment all over again.

  I tried to picture Benny's face in my mind and closed my eyes. I would miss waking up to her and seeing the silly expression on her face before she dove into telling me what I missed. She could talk for hours if you let her, and I usually did. She would always start by asking, "Who the hell are you today?" She usually started every day with that question and I didn't realize how much I looked forward to it until I moved back home.

  For some reason, that question kept me grounded. Probably because the only answer I ever remembered giving her was "Tess, who else?"

  I started to feel the heaviness take over my body and I welcomed it for the first time in a long time. I hadn't ever taken a sedative willingly until today. I usually woke up and found out that I had been given one by way of needle. Benny occasionally had to calm me down when I woke up. She agreed that it sucked to be knocked out, but convinced me it was necessary sometimes. She would describe in detail everything I did just before being sedated anytime she was there to witness it, which was often. It was hard to believe her. I just couldn't see me doing those things or saying the things I had apparently said.

  She started keeping a calendar for me and marking my switches on it. She said it was just for fun, but she knew how much it helped me. She said it helped the alters, too, whenever I would switch, which had been quite often at first. I always felt better after looking at the calendar and seeing more boxes without marks than with marks. Sometimes I thought Benny helped me more than any of the doctors or nurses. She accepted everything about me and I think that's why we were allowed to be roommates for so long. She was just her and I was just me, and it worked.

  Just be
fore I sank into oblivion, Charlie's blushing face came into my mind again and I admitted that I wanted to see him again, but only for a minute.

  Honestly.

  Chapter 7

  Charlie

  Please be wearing a bra, please be wearing a bra.

  I had repeated this request about 16 times before I knocked on the front door of the Marshall's. Don't get me wrong, I would love to see Tess like that every day. She was beautiful in the morning with her hair all over the place and her clothes all jumbled. However, it was frustrating as hell when there were other people around and she wasn't ready for me to go all caveman on her.

  Sarah opened the door with a frown and all my senses perked up. "Good morning, Charlie. It's good to see you again."

  "Is everything alright?" I asked, stepping forward and looking around the house for anything suspicious.

  "Yes, everything's just fine," she muttered and stomped toward the kitchen.

  "I don't believe you, Sarah." She was easy to read as Tess had always been, but Sarah leaned a little more on the dramatic side when she was upset about something.

  She stopped abruptly and shook her head as she turned around. "She's still asleep!" Her arm shot out and pointed up the stairs. "She took that pill at 5 o'clock yesterday and she is still out like a light. I told her I wasn't comfortable with it, but noooooo, she just had to take it. 'It's just a precaution' she says!" It was always weird when Sarah used her quote fingers, I'm sure Tess got a kick out of it and normally I would have busted up laughing, except I was still stuck on the word 'pill'.

  "What pill?" I asked, making no attempt to control the volume of my voice.