Every One Of Me

by Jessica Wilde

  I felt that bitter nervousness that I hated so much. That feeling of regression, like I wasn't getting anywhere and I never would. I couldn't not go. If I didn't go, what would happen then? I could lose it. I couldn't lose it.

  Another flash went through my mind when he squeezed my knee. His face looking down at me. I felt my heart go heavy like lead, then lift as I studied his face in my mind. My lungs squeezed tight.

  I couldn't handle this.

  "Tessa."

  Charlie's voice was so soothing. Why did it have to be so soothing? I didn't want him to have any kind of power over me. I couldn't put him through that. It would take over his entire life. I didn't want him to have to learn to live with me, no one should have to learn to live with someone like that.

  "Tess, please look at me."

  I met his gaze and took a shaky breath.

  "Will you come with me? To New York?"

  I hadn't been expecting anything like that. I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to watch him fight, but I couldn't make myself say it. I couldn't let myself get deeper into him, I couldn't let him make me comfortable again. It was for his own good.

  "Benny is coming this weekend. I need to be here with her."

  "She can come, too. Trevor will be there. I can get you and Benny a nice room. You both can go shopping or just do whatever together. I think you would love it." He paused and his eyes studied mine, the green in them turning darker. "You need some time, Tess."

  I shook my head and stood quickly, "I can't decide right now."

  I walked over to the stairs and started to climb, trying to ignore the trembling in my knees. His voice made me pause.

  "I'm not giving up. You know me better than that."

  Tears flooded my eyes, but I didn't turn around. I couldn't look at him. Before he could say anything else, I hurried up the stairs and into my bedroom, shutting the door softly and throwing myself onto my bed. I needed to talk to Benny.

  She answered on the second ring.

  "What's up?"

  "Benny? I need some help." I don't know why I was so breathless, but I could hardly fill my lungs and I was feeling pretty dizzy. Charlie was too patient, too willing to wait.

  "Whoa, calm yourself. First things first. Who am I talking to today?"

  The expected question wasn't as much of a comfort as it had been in the past. All it told me was that I hadn't been myself, and my heart tore apart a little more. "It's Tess. God, I hope it's Tess."

  "What happened?" she asked, her voice filled with worry at my solemn words.

  "I don't think I can do this, Benny. I feel like I'm being ripped apart and God forgive me for involving my family like this. And Charlie? He doesn't deserve this." Hot tears rolled down my cheeks and splattered on the comforter beneath me. I strained to listen to the space outside my door. No one had followed me up the stairs and I fought the urge to go back down and tell Charlie everything I felt and how scared I truly was.

  "Okay, T. You need to take a few deep breaths and calm down. You sound hysterical and you are making no sense at all really. Your family needed you back. Charlie needed you back. What is so bad that you are regretting everything?"

  "He saw me switch, Benny. With Camryn…"

  Silence. Benny was never silent and the silence was almost deafening. It felt like a swarm of bees had just taken up residence in my head and they were hysterical. Not me. Are you kidding me? Theresa Marshall didn't get hysterical. Her alters did every once in a while, but not Tess. Not me.

  "And?"

  I took a moment to breathe in and out, to get myself together enough to tell her that I was screwed in every way. "I think I remember. I think I remember seeing him, but it was like it was through someone else's eyes… and… and I could feel how much I trusted him and how much she didn't… at first. Then, it was like something snapped in her. He pulled me out, Benny." I pressed my palm to my forehead and tried to push the dizziness away.

  Now, I could feel him, remember him holding me and feel her reassuring me. It was like she was there with me, or I was there with her. Whatever it was, it felt like Charlie was the cause.

  "So? Now what? You make him come with you again and see what happens, go from there. Maybe he will help you gain co-consciousness, that was your goal from the start. I know you hate to hear this, but cooperation with the girls is key. Are you telling me that you are going to put a restriction on the method? Avoid communication with the other parts of you just because you can? Cause that is just stupid and you know it." She sounded like she wanted to reach through the phone and slap me and at that point, I wanted her to do it.

  "How can I do that to him, Benny? You were with me for months is all, but you didn't really have a choice. It worked because of that. What if I decide to cooperate with them and he is the only way to bring it together? I can't do that to him."

  "Oh, you weird little psycho." Disappointment was dripping from her voice. "I had a choice, T. I could have checked out at any time. I stayed because of you."

  And just like that, the dizziness faded, the buzzing stopped, and my lungs opened up. "What?"

  She let out an exasperated sigh, "You heard me, T. You aren't forcing anyone to do anything. You aren't invading someone's life and you aren't burdening them with your problems. We all love you. Sarah loves you more than anything and would do anything for you. She's your mother for God's sake, how can you expect her not to? I love you like a sister, but like a sister who is the very best friend I have ever had. There is no way you could force that on me and you know it." She paused and let me soak in her words.

  My tears stopped and warmth invaded my chest. I felt relief.

  "And Charlie," she continued, "he loves you… God, he loves you like you wouldn't believe. Like you refuse to believe. That man… he was made for you. He was made for this, T. There is a reason for everything and he is the only reason you actually need to let yourself believe in."

  We sat in silence again, but it was comforting for once. My shaking hand clutched the phone against my ear and I breathed in a new kind of air. Acceptance. I had been lying to myself all along. I didn't accept any of this before. None of it. I only accepted the loneliness.

  Benny was right. There was a reason and now that I knew it, I could finally accept it. Everyone else already had. So, I made a goal, a strict one. I would find a way to talk to Lydia and Camryn. They had taken care of me all these years, not always in the best way, but still… I would have to try to take care of them.

  "You still coming?" I asked softly.

  "You already know the answer to that," she replied, just as softly.

  "He asked me to go with him to his fight in New York. Says I need a break from all this."

  She laughed loudly in my ear, "Never mind, T. That man was made for me. I think I might love him. He's smart."

  I sighed as I felt a calmer warmth pass over me.

  "Let it happen, Tess. Let him love you."

  She didn't need a response. For some strange reason, she already knew I nodded in agreement.

  "So, am I invited, too?"

  I laughed and fell back onto my pillow. Just like that, the seriousness of our conversation took a turn and it was just me and Benny and no elephant in the room. "Of course, Benny. He wants to meet you. I think he has this idea that you will be on his side with everything and he needs all the help he can get."

  "Well, he's right. I don't know his plan yet, but I'm on board with it. You better start getting used to it now. We all want what's best for you, especially when you have no idea what that is," she said with a smile in her voice. "Get all the details and tell me what to do from there. We are going even if I have to tie you up and drag you there myself. I got some shopping to do."

  "I'll let him know." I heard footsteps on the stairs and decided to follow Benny's advice and let it happen. "See you soon?"

  "Yep."

  I hung up the phone and climbed off of my bed. The carpet in my room was as plush as it was the day my mother had it p
ut in and I flexed my toes against the soft fibers. It was calming in a weird sort of way, feeling something familiar that wasn't a big deal, but really was in my mind. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, seeing Charlie's face again as he held me close and brought me back. Let him love you.

  I stepped to my door and turned the knob, opening it just wide enough to peek through. Mom was standing against the wall on the other side of the hall with her hands folded together. She looked like she was about to approach a wild and frightened kitten and any sudden movement would scare me off.

  "It's okay, Mom," I said with a grin.

  "He left. A few minutes ago," she blurted out, "But he said to tell you that you can take your time to decide. He will have two tickets on hold and will book the room anyway." She took a step toward me as I swung the door open a little wider and stepped through. "I'm about to beg you to go, Theresa, but I won't do it. He told me not to pressure you. This is me not pressuring you."

  I smiled. A genuine smile. Mom was never one to hide what she was really thinking. Except for around Ellie. I think she was holding in a hell of a lot of stuff for Trevor's sake and it was wearing her down. I appreciated her non-subtlety and smiled wider, and that seemed to help her relax. "Oh, good. You are going then. I'm sure you talked to Benny and she is a smart girl. She wasn't told not to pressure you, so that's good."

  "Mom."

  "I'm sure she told you that it wouldn't hurt anything and that it would be a good idea for you to take a break and try to forget about everything."

  "Mom."

  She kept on rambling, ignoring me, "She would do that because she thinks like me. At least, I think she does. That's why I like her. And Charlie is going to like her, too. Especially when he sees how loyal--"

  "Mom!"

  She finally looked into my eyes and let out her breath. "Yes, dear?"

  "I love you, Mom."

  Her eyes glistened and I immediately felt guilty for making her upset. Then she smiled and I realized I had actually made her really happy. Those three words always made her happy. How could I have forgotten that?

  "I love you, too. More than anything. We all do."

  I almost laughed at those three words, 'we all do'. She had no idea that I counted two more than she did.

  She wrapped me in her arms and squeezed me tightly, pushing away all the fear and worry and despair the way only a mother could.

  As I thought about it, I realized I needed a little more time ruminating on this whole acceptance thing. It was giving me courage and I needed to bask in it a bit longer before I took off to another state far away with the one man I had ever truly loved. "I'm going to wait for Benny to come here first. She'll get here Thursday."

  She pulled back and stared down at me incredulously. "But the fight is Friday night. You have to make sure you are there well before so Charlie can--"

  "Don't worry, Mom. We'll make it. I just think I should wait for Benny to get here first. I know you probably don't understand, but…"

  "I don't need to, dear. It's your decision, not mine," she said quickly and waved a dismissing hand in the air. "No worries, right?"

  "Right."

  This was a good decision. Benny could pep talk me into going to New York head first and she could give me all the advice I needed about how to talk to Charlie.

  I could spend some time with Mom and talk to her about Charlie, too. Find out what had happened in the time I was gone. Things I hadn't asked about because I couldn't handle hearing them. Now, I could. Now, I wanted to know. I needed to know.

  I would leave Friday morning and get there in time for the fight. I wouldn't be a distraction to Charlie. I wouldn't be a burden. Not anymore.

  When I got back, I would figure this out. Right?

  I clutched tightly to that hope. Too tightly.

  Chapter 13

  Charlie

  "Their plane landed on time, Charlie."

  Trevor's voice did nothing to reassure the worry I had been harboring for the past 24 hours. In fact, what he told me only made me that much more concerned. Tess and Benny were in New York, had been for a few hours, but they hadn't contacted either one of us. I had been pacing the floor of my suite for the last hour and a half while coach was yelling at me to snap out of it and get ready for the fight.

  When Tess had called me on Tuesday and told me she was going to come with me, I had almost burst with happiness and relief. Then she went on to tell me that she was going to wait for Benny to get into town and leave Friday morning, this morning, to be here in time for the fight. She also told me she thought it would be a good idea for me to concentrate on what I needed to do for the fight instead of going out of my way to spend time with her. Which is absolutely ridiculous. If anything, I was going out of my way to train for these stupid fights. Being with her was a basic need, like food and water. I felt like I needed every minute I could get with her to survive.

  I only felt a little better when she told me she was fine and that she just wanted to spend some time with Sarah and Benny before leaving.

  I tried to understand. I really did, but I sucked at it and I had been driving Trevor crazy. I talked him into letting me pick him up from Sarah's house on Thursday so I could drive us to the airport. He protested, but not near as much as he originally should have.

  Thursday morning, he called all excited to make sure I was still planning on it. Apparently, he had met Benny a few minutes before and was intent on 'getting to know' her. He had already said his farewells to Ellie the night before and he mentioned something about her acting strange and not wanting to stay the night at his place. He had been distracted with it until Tess showed up at the house with Benny at her side. Then, I guess he just forgot.

  When I showed up, I realized why. Benny was a looker and for a minute there I thought he was going to change his mind and wait to fly in with them.

  When Tess introduced me to her, she shook my hand and winked at me. Tess rolled her eyes, which then made my jeans fit uncomfortably tighter and made me want to throw her over my shoulder and force her to come with me in Trevor's place. Benny's response to her eye roll was, "Oh come on, T. If you aren't going for it, why can't I?"

  This was obviously her way of provoking Tess and to my surprise and elation, it worked. Tess made a point of removing Benny from my presence and pushing her back into the house with Trevor. I thought of the flush her cheeks got when she turned back to me and saw the smug smile on my face.

  "If you think I have problems, they don't hold a candle to hers. Don't even think about it. She likes to flirt, but that doesn't mean you need to flirt back," she chided.

  It shocked me that she would feel the need to talk me out of doing anything with Benny. Benny was not the woman for me.

  "You have no reason to be jealous, Tess," I said with a knowing smile.

  "I'm not jealous," she scoffed.

  "You should be," Benny shouted from the kitchen, which then made Sarah laugh.

  Tess rolled her eyes again and the tightness down below became almost unbearable. She was adorable when she did that. She was adorable when she gave Benny the middle finger, too.

  "I'm not jealous," she repeated as if she was talking herself into believing it.

  I reached out and wrapped my hands around her waist and pulled her in for a hug. Her arms automatically wrapped around my neck and I held her against my chest, being extra careful of the not so subtle bulge that was just an inch away from pressing against her. I swear, it took every ounce of strength I had to keep that small distance between us.

  "I'm the one that's jealous," I muttered into her hair. "She gets the next twenty four hours with you while I'll be clear across the country wondering what you are doing every minute of the day."

  Benny had quietly made her way back to the front door and was watching us with her arms folded across her chest, "Pillow fights and panties, that's all you need to think about," she said loudly.

  Tess jumped at how close Benny's voice was and pulled out o
f my arms, blushing a deep shade of red that I found out later would cause a whole new set of fantasies to form in my mind… along with the one Benny had just suggested.

  "Benny!" she shouted and reached out to punch her friend in the arm, but was evaded at the last second. She giggled, carefree and happy, and the emptiness I felt when she pulled out of our hug filled with hope. Benny was good for her and I immediately formed a plan to keep her close to Tess at any cost.

  After saying goodbye and dragging Trevor to the car, the worry had started to poke and prod at me. Would she really come? Would she change her mind and decide she wanted nothing to do with me? Would she finally realize I wasn't going anywhere and let me take care of her without being afraid of what it would do to me?

  Honestly, I felt emasculated every time I thought about her being done with me. Worrying wasn't going to help. I wasn't going to let her have nothing to do with me. Trevor said she wanted to wait so she wouldn't distract me, but not having her near me was a distraction in itself. Now, knowing the plane had landed, but she wasn't with me, I lost any hope of concentration.

  "Where the hell are they?" I snapped.

  Trevor slapped me on the back, "Don't worry too much, man. I'll find them."

  "How? Neither one of them are answering their phone. What if something happened?"

  Trevor shook his head and ran a hand down his stubbly face, "I'm sure they are fine. I don't think anyone would mess with Benny anyway. You get set up, we have thirty minutes before we need to head downstairs. I'll be back with some information, just focus for now, alright?"

  "I should have made her come with me," I mumbled.

  "Yeah, then you would have a whole new set of problems. Tess would have ripped you a new one if you forced her to do anything."

  He was right, so I just nodded and fell back onto the couch as he walked out the door. Coach and his two assistants fell into the pre-fight routine I had been through hundreds of times before. They started taping my hands and going over technique and everything else I already knew I had to do in order to win. I didn't care to listen to it all over again. I imagined Tess walking through the door at any minute and couldn't for the life of me take my eyes off said door.