Every One Of Me

by Jessica Wilde

  I looked back at Tess/Camryn. She was still absolutely beautiful even with the anger in her eyes.

  "Camryn," I whispered and covered her small hand with mine. She was cold and stiff, but I squeezed gently and she looked at me, cautiously. "I won't let anything happen to you or Tess. We need to talk to you, though. Can you talk to us? It will only help her."

  Her eyes softened infinitesimally, and she jerked her head in a nod.

  "We need to know if you are willing to communicate with Tess in some way so she can know what exactly you need, what is important to you," Dr. G asked slowly and quietly.

  "I don't need anything. I don't want anything but for her to be safe. For me to be safe," she said, her voice hoarse and shaky.

  I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off and glared at me.

  "Don't think you can promise me anything. She is the one you have to promise that to."

  I paused for a moment, letting that sink in. I hadn't told Tess that I would take care of her. Protect her. Erase the memory of the man who was supposed to give his life protecting her, but instead, hurt her more than anyone else ever had. It took her years to really be herself. To find herself. I was there when she finally did and I wouldn't let anyone take that away from her. Not even me.

  "You are her, Camryn. A part of her that is just as important as the rest," I informed her.

  She blinked a few times, in fact, I didn't remember her blinking at all before that. She kept her eyes open, not missing a thing, but my statement seemed to make her question everything she thought she knew.

  I still held her hand in mine and squeezed again, running my thumb over her silky skin. Her muscles relaxed and her fingers opened, allowing me to slip my hand under hers and cradle her palm. Her eyes never left mine.

  "I'll do whatever it takes, Charlie. If she lets me."

  I lifted her hand to my lips and kissed her knuckles. She took a quick breath and closed her eyes.

  "She will, Camryn. She wants it."

  She shook her head, "No," opened her eyes which were the perfect chocolate caramel that was all Tess. "She wants you. Always has."

  I smiled and kissed her hand again, pride filling my chest and warmth seeping into my stomach. "And I want her. Every single one of her."

  Chapter 22

  Tessa

  This was the strangest dream I think I had ever had, and I thought I had already had some crazy ones. I was following Charlie around like a lost puppy, clinging to him and he didn't seem to mind.

  I remember a muffled conversation with Dr. Geoffrey and feeling like I had woken up and come back to reality, but then everything went back to gray.

  Charlie held my hand as we walked out of the office and I tried to speak up and tell him that something wasn't right. He just leaned down and kissed me on the forehead, helped me into the car, and shut the door.

  My mind was spinning, trying to make sense of things, but it didn't feel real. I didn't feel like me. At least, not completely.

  "Charlie?" I finally squeaked out when he buckled himself in and turned on the ignition.

  "Yeah, Cam?"

  Cam? Oh dear God, I was Camryn right now. No wonder I felt like I was on the other end of some elastic being pulled gently in different directions. No wonder everything seemed so dream like. This was good, though. I was aware. How I left the office still switched only occurred to me for a moment before Charlie spoke again.

  "Cam? Tess? Are you in there?"

  I tried to speak, but other words came out instead, other thoughts flashed through my mind and my muscles moved without any commands from me.

  "She's here, Charlie."

  That voice wasn't mine. It was too deep, too throaty. This was fucked up.

  "The doctor pulled you back, Tess, then it was like you didn't want to be there. You looked like you were about to crash. Camryn came back."

  How? Camryn wasn't calm like this. Camryn was crazy.

  "I'm not crazy!" she said angrily.

  That's when everything cleared up, it was like waking up, but the last few seconds were a distorted piece of reality. Like when your alarm is going off and you are dreaming about it, but then suddenly it's really happening.

  "Okay fine, you're not crazy. Maybe it's me then," I stated, finally hearing my own voice.

  Charlie watched carefully as I faded out again, feeling like I was on the edge of consciousness and about to find the sweet darkness of sleep.

  "You aren't either," Camryn's low voice replied. "Just a little lost."

  It was like I was in a slingshot, snapping back and forth, being released, then pulled back the next second.

  "Yeah, I'm lost. How is this happening?"

  Charlie's eyes widened when he realized what was going on. "Tess?"

  My voice was shaky and breathless, "Yes, it's me. But Camryn is still here. God, I'm freaking out!"

  He reached for me, but my body jerked away.

  "Wait," Camryn's voice rang out and I was back to the gray. "Let her do it. Let us do this."

  He pulled his hand back and balled it into a tight fist. I know he wanted to touch me, hell, I wanted him to touch me, to wrap me up in his arms and tell me everything was okay. Camryn was right, though.

  "Drive, Charlie. Take me home," I said quickly when everything cleared up again.

  He didn't hesitate. In fact, he broke several traffic laws on the way back to my mother's. The entire time, Camryn and I 'faced off'. We didn't speak. We just pushed and pulled at each other. Clearing up, then fading out. I was starting to get really tired from the strain I felt in my mind. It was incredible to finally be present for this, but it was absolutely terrifying at the same time.

  Good thing Camryn handled terrified really well.

  ***

  "Shit," Charlie exclaimed when we walked into the house a few minutes later, his arm wrapped tightly around my waist, practically holding me up.

  Ellie was standing in the living room, facing off with Benny. Well, trying to. Trevor kept trying to move Benny behind him and she was trying to pull herself in front of him - more like throw herself at Ellie - but Trevor was stronger.

  I took this in. So did Camryn. Neither one of us could hold ourselves back.

  "What the fuck are you doing here," we screamed at the same time. I know. It's freaking crazy to imagine both of us speaking out of the same mouth and maybe no one else really heard it, but I did. Her voice was there with mine, so I couldn't tell which one actually came out.

  Everyone turned to face me and Charlie. I noticed my mother sitting on the stairs with her head in her hands. She didn't look up, but her voice rang out loudly through the room.

  "Oh, she's just here to try to convince Trevor that he was mistaken and that they are still going to get married. Funny, huh? How stupid can one person actually be?"

  I laughed, because Mom looked like she felt a huge weight off of her shoulders at finally being able to speak her mind in front of Trevor. No one heard me laugh, though. It was all inside my head. It must have been, because I wasn't me.

  My feet were moving toward the arguing trio without me actually moving them and I felt every part of me, Theresa, get pulled out, like someone had literally reached inside my head and threw me against the wall behind my body. I felt pinned to the wall, unable to reach out to pull myself back.

  The switch was fully Camryn and I wanted to close my eyes so I wouldn't see the massacre actually happen. I watched Charlie try to hold me back, but my arm jerked violently out of his hold.

  "I said," Camryn's voice was a rumble, dangerous, "What. The fuck. Are you doing here?"

  She had stepped right up to Ellie who looked like she was about to pee her pants, but her bitchy façade quickly masked her face. Then her awful voice proceeded to grate on the ears of my friends and family.

  "None of your business, freak!"

  Uh oh.

  Camryn didn't like that.

  I didn't like it either, but I was too stressed out and fuzzy to do anythi
ng.

  I saw my body lunge towards Ellie, my mind wondering how it was possible to actually have an out of body experience like this while Camryn's mind screamed things that I would never say out loud.

  That's when everything went black.

  ***

  "Get off of me you psycho whore!"

  I was in the middle of a peaceful darkness one moment, then thrown back into reality the next, finding myself straddling Ellie with my arms hooked by someone stronger than me and hauled off of her quickly.

  Benny was shouting for whoever had a hold of me to let me go so I could finish the job. Typical Benny.

  Trevor was trying to pull Ellie up to her feet, so that could only leave Charlie as the one holding me against his hard chest.

  "Calm down, Camryn," he murmured in my ear, sending a shiver down my spine and, miraculously, tamping down my anger a notch.

  "It's Tess. I'm Tess," I said breathlessly, like I had just run a marathon. My body had just exerted a lot of energy without me really knowing it and the instant adrenaline rush I had felt coming out of the switch, left me just as quickly.

  I almost collapsed to the ground, but Charlie caught me with a steel arm around my stomach.

  "Get off of me!" Ellie screamed and shoved Trevor out of the way. She wanted my head and she was doing everything she could to get it, but Trevor kept her back.

  "I think it's time you left," Charlie ground out.

  She stopped struggling and glared at me. Then Trevor turned her shoulders to the door and started pushing her out of the room. We all watched him take her to the door and the look on her face turned smug.

  Oh God, please don't leave with her, Trevor.

  He didn't. He shoved her out onto the porch and slammed the door in her face.

  I had never been so proud of my big brother and the glimpse of shock that had hit Ellie's face right before the door shut was priceless.

  Trevor walked back to Benny and grabbed her hand. "I'm sorry about the things she said. She's an idiot."

  "That's obvious. She cheated on you. Who the hell would cheat on you?" she replied with a roll of her eyes. I knew she thought my brother was hot, she had mentioned it several times in New York, but this must have been the first time she said anything like that to Trevor and he must have really liked it, because his mouth crashed down to hers as his arms came around her and hauled her against him.

  It was incredibly hot, even though it was slightly sickening because it was my brother.

  It was Benny, though. My best friend, and I was happy for her.

  I didn't see my mom until she was standing right in front of me, blocking my view of Trevor and Benny locked together.

  "Tess?"

  My eyes met hers and the anger and sadness I thought I would see in hers, was missing. She looked happy, amused even.

  "Yeah, Mom?"

  "Camryn should come around more often," she said.

  Charlie chuckled behind me, still holding me against him with his arm around my waist. "That's what I keep thinking, Sarah."

  My mom smiled, kissed me on the cheek and headed for the stairs. She stopped halfway up and turned back to me with a huge grin covering her face as if she had just discovered something miraculous. "I knew bringing you home would fix everything."

  I wasn't so sure about that. I had a feeling that the unanswered questions I still had would change things.

  "Come on, Babe. Let's get you to bed. You look like you're about to drop," Charlie whispered into my hair.

  I let him guide me to my bedroom, leaving Benny and Trevor alone, but I don't think they noticed. Once he had me sitting on the edge of my bed, he turned to my dresser and pulled out some shorts and a tank top. It was still early in the evening, but it felt like I had been up for a week.

  "Is this still what you usually sleep in?"

  I nodded and smiled at his selection. Red shorts and a dark green tank top. "Is it almost Christmas already?"

  He looked down at the scraps of clothing and smiled when he realized what he had chosen. "Just for that, you aren't going to wear anything to bed."

  I laughed and started to pull off my jacket. He put the clothes back in my dresser without taking his eyes off of me and then knelt down on the floor in front of me, pressing his chest against my knees and spreading his big hands over the tops of my thighs.

  "I want to ask you something, but I'm afraid it will freak you out," he said quietly. His voice was so soothing when he talked to me like that and he had no clue how agreeable it made me.

  "If it freaks me out, then you will just have to calm me down," I said with a wink.

  His breath caught and his eyes dilated, but he attempted to cover up his obvious arousal and the smirk that spread across his face. He looked down at my knees and cleared his throat.

  "What if I can't calm you down?"

  I slipped my fingers under his chin and tilted his face up to look at me. His mouth was set in a firm line and his brow was creased with worry lines. I knew he loved me, but love can only take a person so far. What happens when one of you just can't do it anymore? I ran my fingers over the lines between his brow and tried to smooth them out.

  "What is it, Charlie?"

  He lifted up to sit next to me on the bed and took my hands in his. He hesitated another moment, then took a deep breath, releasing it before blurting out his question.

  "Will you move in with me? Live with me?"

  This, I wasn't expecting at all. I thought his question would be about the alters or finding some other treatment, or even about taking things slower than we were taking them. Any of those things would freak me out in some way. I still wasn't completely confident that he had accepted everything even though he kept telling me he had. I didn't know if the books he had been reading said anything about other treatments that might be a little riskier or lead to a termination of the alters. I didn't think any of those would be good for my already fragile mind.

  I was terrified that he felt like we had jumped into something neither one of us could handle either. If he wanted to slow things down and get some space from our relationship, that would freak me out.

  Yeah, I had my doubts about how far we would get together, and I would need some space to deal with myself at times, but I wanted him. I wanted him so badly, I always had and I always will. He's my anchor, the only thing that keeps me from giving up. I need that, right? I need to take care of myself first, then the alters. They would understand. They had so far.

  He was waiting for a response and I had been stupidly staring at him with a blank expression on my face when everything inside of me was exploding like fireworks on the 4th of July.

  I was freaking out, but it was the best freak out I had ever experienced.

  "Tess? If it's too soon, I completely underst--"

  I pressed my fingers against his lips and could no longer hold back the smile tugging on my lips. His eyes widened and he held his breath.

  "Yes. If you think you can handle me," I murmured and leaned in closer to him, taking in his scent.

  He took my face in his hands and pressed a hard kiss to my waiting lips. "I can handle you," he said through a smile. "God, I want to handle you day and night for the rest of my life."

  My heart stuttered thinking about spending the rest of my life being handled by him.

  He kissed me again, slow and tender, exploring my lips and mouth like he wanted to savor me. His hands dropped down to the hem of my shirt and his fingers slipped underneath, sending a jolt through me at the touch of his warm fingers. I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck and deepened the kiss.

  He growled against my lips and his hands became frantic, lifting my shirt up and over my head. He bent his head to the hollow at the base of my throat and pressed his lips against the sensitive skin, inhaling deeply and murmuring things that I couldn't make sense of because my head was swimming with heat.

  He deftly unhooked my bra and his body covered mine as he laid me back on the bed. His lips cam
e back to mine greedily while his calloused hands found my swollen breasts and rubbed over the stiff peaks, sending liquid heat down to my core.

  A moan tore from my throat, unable to control myself, and he smiled and lifted his head to gaze at me. "We can't be loud here, baby."

  Shit. I completely forgot where we were. My mom was probably just down the hall.

  He saw the moment the thought registered and buried his face in my neck as he laughed. I would have laughed, too, but his hands were still roaming over my body, worshipping me and making me crazy aroused.

  "I can be quiet," I whispered, shutting my eyes tightly so I could concentrate on getting the words out instead of where his hands were.

  "You sure? We can go to my place…"

  "I don't think I can wait, Charlie."

  He kissed my neck and made a path up and across my jaw to my swollen lips that were aching with the need to be kissed again. I moved my hands down his back until my fingers slipped under his shirt and scored his skin with my nails.

  The growl that came from deep in his chest was so sexy, my skin flushed as the rush of blood scorched my veins. No way I could wait now. Not with his taste on my tongue and his perfectly sculpted body touching my skin.

  He didn't say another word. He just tugged at my jeans while I struggled to pull his shirt off so I could get my hands on his hard chest. By the time we were both naked, all control had been stripped from us as well.

  Our bodies ground against each other and our arms couldn't hold each other tight enough. The feel of his skin against mine was almost too much and I had to close my eyes to compartmentalize the pleasure and keep my head on straight.

  He hitched my knee over his hip and pressed the tip of his erection against my swollen core. When he didn't move any further, I opened my eyes to see what was taking him so long. I needed him inside me or I think my heart would burst.

  His piercing green eyes had darkened and filled with so much heat, I felt like I was being held against the licking flames of a fire.

  "I need to see you, Tess. All of you. Don't close off any part of you because it's too much. I'll take care of you." His eyes softened and my body relaxed. "I promise."