Rotting Dead F*cks: An Extreme Novel of Horror, Sex, Gore and the Undead

by Matt Shaw

  Michael and Nicola

  All things considered it wasn’t a bad night. Certainly not as bad as I first feared it could have been. These things roaming the streets, I felt for sure there would be nowhere safe for us to seek shelter. As it turned out - we found brief sanctuary in an open garage not too soon after it had gotten dark. I had driven as far as I could before the roads became impassable; at least impassable with only the car’s lights guiding us. As soon as I realised we couldn’t get any further I knew it was time to take a break to rethink our plans. I back-tracked down the closest roads I could find until I found what I was looking for - an open (and practically empty) garage. Without hesitation I drove our car straight in. No sooner had the car stopped then I jumped out and slammed the garage door shut. A quick check of the door which linked to the actual house we’d found showed it to be locked which was the best possible scenario. We were trapped in our own little box and from what I had seen of these things - they weren’t too good with doors. Nicola had asked what I was doing and I told her that we would be spending the night in the garage. She didn’t seem to understand why we couldn’t go into the house. I just told her it was safer where we were. Funny - all the things she’d seen during the day and she seemed more concerned about spiders than anything else we had witnessed. Of course I told her I’d keep her safe from the spiders. Besides which - the plan wasn’t to sleep in the garage. Not literally. We were to remain in the car with the doors locked. That way, not only did those things have to get into the garage but they also had to get through the car doors too. It might not have been the most comfortable of nights but it was the safest I could make it - all things considered - and, to keep Nicola from being too scared, I kept the car’s internal light on until she fell asleep. Sadly I couldn’t fall asleep as easily as she seemed to. My brain overthinking things - worrying about every single detail of what I knew was coming my way the following morning (today).

  The car was running low on fuel. We had enough for another fifty miles or so which would be fine under normal circumstances but given the amount of back-tracking we were doing I knew it wouldn’t be enough. Not to get us all the way to the in-laws house. And then, of course, my mind was wondering what we were going to find when we got there. Would they be in? Would they be welcoming? Would it be as safe a haven as I had presumed? More importantly - if it wasn’t to be the safe haven I believed - what would be the next move? Where else could we go?

  Nicola stirred and slowly woke from her peaceful slumber. She was stretched out on the back seat of the car. I remember when she had first laid down, a feeling of jealousy that she was able to find some sort of comfort in here. I put the seat back, as far as I could without squashing her, but it still wasn’t enough to give myself the necessary level of comfort I had wished for.

  “Morning, sleepyhead!” I tried to keep things light and friendly. I tried to hide the fears I had swimming around the forefront of my mind. Not sure how well I did but at least I gave it a shot. She yawned and stretched. At least she had a good night. “You hungry?” I asked. She nodded. “I’ve got the best breakfast ever!” I leaned to the glove box and hit the release catch. The door dropped down, smacking me in the knees, revealing the sweets I had stashed a few days ago. I’d promised them to her yesterday, as a prize for getting to the car quietly, and clean forgotten. Just as well, though, for it meant we had a tasty breakfast. Tasty but not necessarily nutritious. I pulled the bag out and handed it over to Nicola who must have been thinking all of her Christmases had come at once. She snatched the bag and started scoffing them. I laughed. Should have taken a couple for myself though. “Ready to go and see Nanny and Granddad?” I asked. She nodded. All I had to do was open the garage door and we’d be on our way. I unlocked the car door and pushed it open. I told Nicola to, “Wait there.”

  I climbed from the car and stretched the aches from my joints; my back in particular. I’m too old to be trying to sleep in cars - at least my body feels as though that’s what it is telling me. I approached the garage door and pulled the handle. I bent down and lifted the door up.

  “Oh shit!”

  Back in the car I heard Nicola panic as she saw what was waiting for us outside in the street. Dozens of infected - all of them seemingly lurching around with no clear sense of direction. One of them turned to us when Nicola screamed. And then - when one of them turned - more did too. By the time I got back to the driver’s side of the car, and climbed in, they were already on the driveway in front of us. All of them looked hungry for us.

  “Daddy, go!” Nicola cried out. I twisted the key in the ignition but nothing happened. What? No. Come on. I gave it another twist and still nothing. I thought back to the previous night and how long I must have left the interior light on for Nicola’s peace of mind. Was that really enough to flatten the battery? One more go. Come on. Come on. I gave the key a twist. Still nothing. The engine was completely dead. “They’re coming!” Nicola called out. I looked up. Shit. Shit. Shit. She was right. They were close. Need to shut the garage door - shut them out and us in.

  “Wait here!” I called out to her as I climbed from the car - with much more haste this time. I charged across to the garage door and slammed it shut catching one of the infected’s arms as he reached out for me. I took a few steps back with my eyes fixed on the garage door. The sound of the groaning from outside seeming to echo from where I was standing. Scratching noises as they fingered the cold metal door. A few more steps back but still I didn’t look away. It’s okay, though. Pretty sure they can’t get in. Had they been able to, they would have already opened the door. I turned to my nervous daughter, “Get out of the car,” I told her. She did as she was told and joined me where I was standing. “It’s okay,” I tried to reassure her, “it just means we stay here for a little longer…” I looked over to the door which lead through to the main house (most likely the kitchen). The only option I had was to go into the house. With any luck it would be empty (and secure). A place to leave Nicola for a while whilst I leave the house and try and find us another method of transport - or maybe a new battery? It’s not an ideal plan but it’s all I can think of. We need to get to the country for our best chance of survival. We need to get to the in-laws’ house and - to do that - we need to get another car. I knew we should stick together but it’s going to be dangerous out there. I can’t risk taking Nicola with me. She’d be slower. More at risk. If this house is empty and secure well it would be best to leave her. Let her know that I’ll be as quick as I can.

  Ignoring the scratching on the garage door, I took Nicola by the hand and headed towards the internal door. Another try of the handle just to be sure it was locked proved that still to be the case. Here’s hoping the door isn’t as strong as it looks to be.

  “Step back!” I told Nicola. She did as she was told and - no sooner had she done so - I started to kick the door as hard as I could. The noise my boot made against the wooden panel would surely attract more danger from outside but I didn’t have a choice; not if we wanted to get in there.

  “You’re being noisy!” Nicola pointed out. Yes, I was. No choice. I kept kicking the door until - after what seemed an age - there was a cracking sound from near the handle. I felt a sense of relief. For a minute I had thought it wasn’t going to budge. I gave it a few more kicks until I finally managed to splinter the area around the lock. A couple more kicks and the door slowly creaked open. I stopped - knackered - anxious about what would be standing there on the other side of the door. There was nothing. Just an empty kitchen. Another sense of relief washed over me but I knew it had the potential to be short-lived. Just because no one was standing there waiting didn’t mean the house was empty or even secure. Hell, for all I knew the front door could have been left wide open and God knows how many of the infected could have wandered in. Don’t think like that. Be optimistic. I nearly laughed out loud at the concept of optimism. That left yesterday morning when the shit first hit the fan. I turned to Nicola, “I need you to wait here,
okay? I need to make sure the house is okay…” She nodded. I could tell she didn’t want to stay there - alone - but I could also see she was apprehensive about following me in too. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and a little wink before I stepped into the kitchen via the broken door.

  Part of me wanted to call out, to see if anyone was home, but I knew that the sound of my voice would only attract trouble if there was anything….else….home. Hell, for all I know, someone was waiting for me in one of the rooms with a gun, or something. Thank God this is England and not America. Less change of getting shot by some trigger happy home-owner worried that I’m trying to rob them. For a second my mind wandered as to whether this was happening in America too or whether it was just our country under attack from whatever this was. No time to think about that. It’s not important. Not yet. Doesn’t help with my current predicament.

  I made my way to the other side of the kitchen, towards the next door. I peered around the corner. Hallway was clear and the front door was shut. A good sign. Before proceeding I turned to the kitchen worktop and grabbed the biggest knife I could see. Some kind of carving knife. Good enough to do some damage. I caught sight of something glistening in the garden beyond the kitchen window. There was some kind of machete out there, sticking out of the mud next to some thick shrubbery. It was just a shame the garden was full of the infected - all meandering around. Thankfully, as of yet, none of them had spotted me. I turned back to Nicola. She was still in the garage, just beyond the doorway. I raised my finger to my lips - a signal for her to remain as quiet as she possibly could. She nodded.

  With the knife held close to my body, I stepped into the hallway as quietly as I could. I listened closely to see if I could hear any panicked voices reacting to the sound of my dampened footsteps or the earlier kicking in of the door. Nothing. No voices and no groans. A good sign. I peeked into the first room I came to - nothing but a small toilet. I closed the door - so I definitely knew I had checked the room and proceeded, carefully, to the second room. The door was open so it wasn’t hard to take a quick peek in; the living room. Again, thankfully empty. What I did notice, though, was that the room was in a state - as though someone had gone through it in a hurry, perhaps grabbing everything that had been important to them. The garage was open, as though it had been abandoned, so there was a good chance the owners had come home after the shit hit the fan and grabbed everything they could before hitting the road to try and find somewhere they believed to be a safer place to try and wait for help. The state of this place, it would make sense for that to be the case at least. Satisfied the room was empty, I closed the door as I stepped back into the hallway. No other rooms down here, just some stairs leading to the second floor of the house which I slowly started to make my way up - still with the knife held closely to my body although I was starting to relax a little.

  At the top of the stairs I was faced with four rooms. The one closest to the top of the stairs was the bathroom and I could already see that it was empty. I closed the door on it and turned to the next room. Walking in I noticed it had been turned upside down just as the downstairs room had been. Another thought crossed my mind; it might not have been the owners who did this. Could have been people looting the house for any valuables. I dismissed the idea. No broken windows downstairs, no broken doors - other than the one I broke - and no other sign of forced entry. Just the owners leaving in a hurry with as many of their possessions they deemed necessary.

  I wasn’t paying much attention to the contents of the room but it was hard to miss the fact that it belonged to a young girl. A pink duvet was thrown over the bed, a couple of dolls were left lying on the floor - clearly not important enough to be saved. Some clothes left hanging in an open cupboard with others on the floor next to it where they must have fallen or been thrown. I stepped from the room and closed the door. Two down, two to go…I headed for the next room; another bedroom of similar size to the last. No doubt, going from some of the clothes on the floor and ornaments dotted around the room, the parents’ room. Same story here as with the other rooms - emptied in a hurry, more importantly - empty of people, both living or dead. One room to go. I stepped out and closed the door behind me before turning to the last room. This is it then.

  I made my way to the end of the hallway and carefully peered into the room. Just because it is the last room to check - doesn’t mean I can get complacent about what may or may not be in there. A study. A computer monitor on a table and an overturned chair. The actual computer unit was missing. Only cables remained suggesting it was even there to begin with. I guess the owner couldn’t afford to be without some of the information stored on the hard-drive. Funny the things people consider important during moments of crisis. Personally I’d have left it. Jesus - what am I talking about - I left without taking anything other than my daughter. Everything else was fine to abandon.

  Satisfied the house was clear I checked out of the window into the street beyond. The road seems to have a large amount of infected out there. A lot of them still swarming towards our garage door by the looks of things. Thankfully they don’t seem to be making any progress towards breaching it but it’s hard to tell from this angle. We can’t stay here for long. I stepped back from the window so as to remain unseen by any of them. Last thing I need is for them to be banging on the front door when - sooner or later - I’m going to have to dart out of it as I go in search of transportation.

  I tucked the knife between my belt and jeans and headed down the stairs, back towards the garage where my daughter is hiding.

  “It’s okay to come in,” I said as I walked through the kitchen. She had her back to me and the sound of my voice made her jump. She turned to me and ran in through the broken doorway.

  “They’re still trying to get in,” she said, referring to the creatures outside. She ran into my arms and I couldn’t help but to give her a tight hug. I just wish I could take the two of us away from all of this in the blink of an eye. Surely as a family we’d been through enough without the need for this too?

  “They can’t get in. It’s okay. We’re safe.” Technically not a lie. Although we’re not out of the woods yet we are, for all intents and purposes, safe. “Look, there are people outside…”

  “Dead people?” she asked.

  I was kind of hoping she didn’t know that’s what they were but figured - as she asked - there was no point in lying to her. With what was happening out there, she needed to be prepared for what we were likely to run into. Lying to her now would just make it worse in the long-run. “Yes,” I told her. “Listen, we need to go upstairs and keep away from the windows, okay? You think you can do that?” She nodded. “We don’t want them knowing we’re in here.”

  “What about the ones at the garage door?” she asked.

  “They’ll get bored and go. But we don’t want any more showing up do we?” She shook her head. “Good. Well, okay, this way then…I think you’ll like one of the rooms up there,” I told her. I gave her a little smile and lead the way up the stairs with her following closely behind.

  Ted

  Harold slammed the door shut behind me. I couldn’t help but feel he did it harder than strictly necessary in order to try and attract trouble for me. Had the shoe been on the other foot, I guess I would have done the same just to fuck him over. I was glad I didn’t give him the option of coming with me as I headed down the empty alleyway. Oh ye of little faith. I knew the alleyway would be clear. Well, okay, I didn’t but - fuck it - nothing to lose. I got to the end of it within seconds and - before I knew it - I was standing on the edge of the high street. In front of me - just a few yards or so - the R.D.Fs were still trying to get into the front of the store by banging and clawing on the window. I figured as Harold tried to ‘help’ me out, it was only fair that I extended him the same level of courtesy and I knew just the thing to do it with.

  I stepped back into the alleyway - out of sight - and picked up a brick from a small amount of rubble which had been hidden there by
someone too lazy to dispose of it properly. Normally people like that piss me off. You know, like it’s that hard to bin something. But not today. Today I was grateful there was a lazy fuck nearby. With brick in hand, I dashed back into the street and - without really thinking about it - charged towards the backs of the R.D.Fs. When I felt I was close enough I aimed towards the store’s window and launched the brick. It flew through the air - almost in slow-motion it felt - and hit the pane of glass. Immediately the glass shattered as the brick crashed through into the racking. Just as planned, the brick was first through the window followed by the first of the Rotten Dead Fucks. The store’s alarm rang through the streets and - by the time I turned around - I saw more of the R.D.Fs on the horizon, all stumbling their way towards the sound. I laughed as I cast a quick look up to the flat window - above the store - and saw Harold standing there with a panic-stricken look on his face. I flipped him the bird and took a bow. Fuck you, Harold. Fuck you very much!

  I turned and quickly ran in the direction which seemed to be the clearest of danger, laughing as I did. With what just happened - I can’t help but feel this situation we find ourselves in…This situation is good for people like me and, not only that, I think I’m going to enjoy it! There are no rules. There is no right and wrong. There is only survival of the fittest and I believe, in times like these, the ‘fittest’ tend to be the people such as myself; the ones with nothing to lose and everything to gain. The ones with a screw or two loose. If anything, knowing the world had gone fuck up, I actually felt freer than I had done so before. The thoughts I had - the troubling ones about what I wanted to do to people - they no longer seemed to bother me and as I continued to run towards a housing estate it made me realise that it was never the act of my fantasies which troubled me but rather it was the potential for getting caught and ending up in the shit.