Just the Thing

by Marie Harte

  “And as a friend,” Ava added.

  “And as a friend.” Zoe liked this woman.

  “Please do.”

  “Do you think it’s normal to still cry when I think of my sister? I do feel good now. It’s not all doom and gloom for me the way it was when it first happened. Mostly I think I’m over the grief tugging me down. Then I’ll see something that reminds me of her, and it makes me sad. Or I’ll hear a song she hated and want to make fun of it with her. But she’s not there.”

  “Totally normal.” Ava leaned forward. “Processing through grief takes time. I’d be more worried if you weren’t dealing with it. In my opinion, tears are therapy. Talking is therapy. Pretending the bad never interferes with the good? That’s not healthy.”

  Zoe nodded. “Thanks. I kind of thought that too.” She paused. “Gavin doesn’t talk about his time in the service much. I don’t push him or anything. But that’s part of what drew us together, I think. We both know what it’s like to grieve.”

  “He has some issues he’s dealing with,” Ava said carefully.

  “I know. He told me about the booze and the women. Of course, anyone hanging out at the gym knows the women part already.”

  Ava bit her lip. “Ah, yeah. Gossip does tend to circulate there. But word on the street is he’s got himself a girlfriend.” She winked. “Michelle doesn’t seem to like you very much.”

  “Good.”

  Ava laughed. “Seriously though, the women in his past wouldn’t worry me. Gavin is a lot of things, but he doesn’t strike me as the unfaithful type. That doesn’t mean you’re not in for some work if you take him on. But you know that.”

  “I do. He’s not perfect. Thank God. Because with that body, that face, and all that charm, if he didn’t have issues, he’d be impossible to live with.” Live with. Wasn’t that close to what they were already doing? No, he still slept at home.

  But I don’t want him to. I want him to stay with me.

  “Oh my gosh. He makes my head hurt sometimes.”

  Ava nodded. “Welcome to my world. More coffee?”

  “Yes, please. I have to get back to work, and between thinking about him and dealing with a few of our clinic managers, I think a double shot of espresso is in order.”

  Ava stood. “Coming right up.”

  * * *

  Gavin sat in therapy, tapping his knuckles on his thigh while Lee droned on about healthy man-woman relationships. Apparently Gavin’s newfound joy with Zoe had freaked Lee out. Then again, maybe Gavin shouldn’t have mentioned the thought about having kids with her.

  Of course, most of his thoughts had revolved around efforts to make said kids. And if a few years down the road, they still happened to be going out, still fucking like rabbits, and she wanted a kid, he’d happily join her in…in wedded matrimony? Being her baby daddy? What?

  His phone buzzed. He wasn’t supposed to take calls during a session, but he rarely got them unless it was an emergency. Especially from his family, because they knew and Zoe knew he saw his therapist from three to four on Thursdays.

  “Go ahead. Get it.” Lee waved him to answer.

  He saw the number, muted the ringer, and put it away. “Nah, I’m good.”

  “Are you really? Then what’s that look on your face?”

  “What look?”

  “You look upset, Gavin. Scared. But there’s nothing here to be scared about. This is a safe zone,” Lee reminded him, then patiently waited.

  Gavin rubbed the back of his neck, knowing he needed to share his growing anxiety. Every time the phone rang lately, he worried. He would have put a special ringtone to the number, but then he’d know for sure when she called.

  “Gavin. I can’t help you if you won’t let me.”

  “It’s Nicole,” he blurted. “Mick’s wife.”

  “Mickey? Your friend who died in that blast?”

  “Yeah, him.” Gavin rose and paced, his anxiety building. “She’s called a few times. I think she wants to talk.”

  “You think? You don’t know?”

  He shrugged. “I haven’t listened to the messages.”

  “You should.”

  Gavin swallowed. “Ah, would you?”

  Lee studied him, then sighed and nodded. After listening to all three messages in silence, he handed the phone back to Gavin. “Can you sit down, please?”

  “What? What’s she want?” His knee bobbed, and he tried to stop it, but his heart raced like a jackhammer. He swallowed. “Is she okay?” He couldn’t ask about the baby, couldn’t know if Mick had lost more than just his life.

  Gavin sat back, feeling like a pussy when his hands started shaking. It was a phone call, for God’s sake.

  Lee nodded. “Yes, she’s fine, Gavin. And so is her son.”

  A relieved breath gushed out of him, and Gavin leaned forward, his head between his knees. “Thank God.”

  “Your friend’s widow, and Luke’s sister, Amanda, want to talk with you.”

  Gavin tuned out everything, choosing to focus on them being healthy and hearty.

  “For the record, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Not yet,” Lee said.

  Gavin blinked up at his therapist’s unexpected advice. “No?”

  “Gavin, it’s a stressor you don’t need right now.”

  “But I thought you were all about getting closure.”

  “I am when the situation calls for it. But we’re still in the stages of getting you to cope with everything. You have plenty of time to heal. There’s no need to rush this.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t want to gaff them off.”

  “So send a text stating you’ll contact them when you can. I’m sure they’ll understand. And if that’s too difficult, which it could rightly be, just ignore the calls. They’ll stop. You have the numbers. When you’re ready to face them, you will.”

  His palms sweated. “But then aren’t I denying them some closure?”

  “How? They know the status of their deceased loved ones. It’s you I’m worried about. You need to be healthy before you see them. Physically, you’re in amazing shape. But mentally, it’s going to take time. And that’s okay. That’s normal, Gavin,” Lee emphasized. As if Gavin worried about being a looney tune. What he worried about was doing more damage to Nicole and Amanda, and he said so.

  “The thing is, Gavin, if you go to see them before you’re comfortable, you might inadvertently hurt them. You might turn erratic. Or you might say things out of guilt that will put them back in a dark place. From those few phone calls, it sounds like they’re moving on. It’s your decision, of course. But I suggest you tuck away that number and let it go. At least for now.”

  Gavin thought about it. Thought about how Zoe had lost her twin, how it still hurt her months later, and how she took on the pain and dealt with it. She didn’t need to see a therapist, didn’t avoid problems. How could he be less?

  “Um, I’m going to call right now. Just to let her know it’s not a good time for me.” His knee shot up and down. His heart pounded, and sweat poured down his back. “Would you, would you just sit with me through it?” Fuck, but he felt like crying.

  This was not supposed to be his life right now. Thirty-two and afraid to call an old friend because he might crack up. What a pathetic waste he’d become. Jesus, how lame could he be?

  Lee got up and sat next to him. Then he put a hand on Gavin’s shoulder, which surprisingly steadied him. “Go ahead, Gavin. I’m right here with you.”

  Gavin’s eyes watered. This wasn’t who he was. But who he’d become. Because he wasn’t still supposed to be here? His penance for surviving?

  Lee said quietly, “It’s okay if you don’t want—”

  “No. I got this.” Gavin wiped his stupid face and dialed, then cleared his throat, hoping he didn’t sound like the pitiful shit he was.

>   After a few rings, he started to think she wouldn’t answer, that he could leave a message. But that wasn’t the case. “Hello?”

  Bright-brown eyes and a laughing smile. Always up for a good time, that was Mick’s Nicole. Man, they’d had some great parties when they’d been stateside. Even better ones when back on leave through the years.

  “Hello?” she said again.

  “Uh, hi, Nicole.” He had to clear this throat again. “It’s Gavin Donnigan.”

  “Gavin.” She sounded thrilled to hear from him. “I’m so glad you called. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. A couple of us have, actually.”

  His stomach knotted. He envisioned Mick grinning, flipping him off. Luke mouthing something, and John making fun of him. The guys, friends since high school. Now gone forever. “Yeah, about that.” He coughed. Wiped his eyes. Prayed he sounded cheerful. “I’m kind of busy lately. Got some stuff to take care of.” Like my fucked-up brain. “I want to talk to you… It’s just… It might be a while.”

  “Oh.” She paused, and her voice gentled. “Gavin, that’s perfectly fine. Whenever you get done with what you’re working on, we’ll be here. You have my number.”

  “Yeah, okay. Sure. Bye.”

  He hung up, not able to wait on her answer. Then he stood, thanked Lee, and said, “Need the restroom for a minute.” He calmly walked from the room and found the bathroom unoccupied. After locking the door behind him, he braced himself on the sink and stared at his ugly face in the mirror, heard Nicole’s voice, so happy to hear from him.

  He turned, got to his knees, and threw up into the toilet. The rush eased him, so that now he felt sick instead of anxious. Oddly enough, he felt better, as if he’d rid himself of all the shitty emotion that never quite left him anymore. An image of Zoe’s concerned face filled his mind’s eye, and he threw up all over again, dry heaves because he had nothing left.

  God. What had he been thinking? She deserved so much better than him.

  When he walked back into Lee’s office, ready to grab the phone he’d left behind and leave, he found Lee waiting for him on the couch. “Come on, Gavin. Let’s talk.”

  “My time is up, I think.”

  Lee smiled. So much understanding in that gaze that Gavin looked away, ashamed. “Nah. My four thirty canceled. It’s just you and me for a bit longer. Just us talking, off the books. No charge. Okay?”

  Gavin shrugged. “I guess.”

  When he left an hour later, he felt drained but cleansed, ready to get back to pretending to have a life, at least. Lee had talked some sense into him. And now that he’d actually talked to Nicole, she wouldn’t call him again. So one good thing had happened today at least.

  He went home, changed into exercise clothes, then went on a ten-mile run. Because he had to. He called in sick for work, in no condition to socialize. He texted Zoe the same excuse as a reason not to talk to her until Saturday, then used the crappy weight bench in the garage because going to the gym was out.

  He pumped iron until his arms felt limp. Exhausted and past the point of any hint of anxiety, he took a quick shower, then went upstairs to Landon’s bed. Landon would be sleeping over at Ava’s. And tonight, Gavin didn’t want to deal with Theo. He just wanted to be left alone.

  Tucking into Landon’s freshly laundered sheets, he lay there, ignoring the still-bright evening and remembered the last time he’d laughed with Mick and the guys…and felt unwelcome tears pour down his cheeks.

  * * *

  Hope snuck into her brother’s home with a furtiveness she’d developed in her adolescent years and perfected in her late teens. She stopped still, heard nothing, and continued to look around, making sure the coast was clear. With Landon firmly ensconced at Ava’s and Theo taken care of by Maya—great girl—that left only Gavin.

  Rumor had it he was staying over at Zoe’s most nights, though Hope hadn’t been able to get through to the woman she had yet to meet. But Gavin should have been working at the gym ’til closing anyway, so she should be good to trick out the house. She tiptoed around the downstairs, heard nothing, and made magic. Some horseradish in the mayonnaise. Hot peppers in the ketchup. Replacing Theo’s underwear with Colin-size drawers. Okay, that one she could credit Mike’s boy with.

  Man, talk about devious. He’d even planned Theo’s downfall using Liam’s—his new grandpa’s—phone, so as not to be traced. As if anyone would trace a seven-year-old. She grinned. Apparently the McCauleys had been suffering from the prank wars as well, with no idea who to blame. Someone had been messing with her cousin Cameron’s things. Since she worked for Cam, she had eyes and ears on all her cousins.

  Gosh, the things little Colin had been doing made her so proud. Where did that kid get his ideas?

  She laughed to herself as she did nothing to Gavin’s side of the room, because the anticipation would be its own form of punishment. She’d think of something worse to do to him later. Then she started up the stairs to Landon’s room.

  She heard something and froze. Then nothing. Moving all the way up and turning to his door, she found it closed. Oh God. Please don’t tell me he’s sexing up Ava. Wouldn’t he do that in the privacy of her place though, and not at home where his brothers could hear?

  A soft moan. Not one of pleasure, but of pain.

  She quietly twisted the nob and peeked her head in. The sun had finally set, and only faint moonlight came through the open blinds of the window. On the bed, Gavin lay on his side, his back to her, covered to his waist.

  “Gavin?” she whispered, concerned. Sleeping in Landon’s room? That was weird.

  Then she goose-stepped around the bed to see more than his broad back. The sight of his tear-stained face in sleep made her own eyes water. Poor Gavin. He teased and joked, but her brother had some serious hurt buried inside.

  He moaned again, tears tracking down his face, and curled into himself.

  She wanted to help him, to make the bad go away, but she knew better than to touch him right now. Landon had warned her and Theo to leave Gavin alone when he was resting. They never knew if touching him when he was out would startle him to waking violently or not. Not that he’d ever intend to hurt them or that he’d been aggressive at all with family.

  “It’s okay, Gavin,” she whispered instead. “We love you. It’s okay,” she repeated, several times.

  Sometime later, he blinked his eyes open, though he didn’t seem fully awake, and looked at her. “Hope?”

  “Shh. Go back to sleep. This is a dream. I’m not messing with Landon’s stuff.”

  He gave a tired smile and closed his eyes. She wiped her tears away. But this time she felt safe to move in close and sit on the bed with him, stroking his hair. “I love you, Gavin. And I always will.”

  Chapter 14

  Zoe hoped Gavin was okay. She hadn’t seen him since Wednesday night. He hadn’t been at the gym since then either, apparently taken with that flu going around. She did some work on the circuit, then took a long drink of water, trying to stop harping on Gavin.

  Mac walked up to her. “Hey, Zoe. How’s it going?”

  “Good, thanks.” She didn’t trust his smile. “What’s up?”

  “Could you do me a favor?”

  “Ah, sure.”

  “Tell Gavin we’re doing another self-defense session in another month. Same thing as the first one, unless he wants to change it up. But it should still be for beginners.”

  “Why tell me?” Zoe asked.

  At Mac’s knowing look, she threw up her hands. “Seriously? You too? Who doesn’t listen to gossip?”

  “I don’t!” A perky, handsome guy popped out from behind her with a wide grin. She recognized him because he always seemed to be at the gym surrounded by people. Mr. Popular, apparently. “Listen to gossip? Please. I start it! Hi, I’m Elliot, and I want the 411 on you and Gavin.”

  “Oh hell.
You’re on your own,” Mac warned her, then nodded at her new pal. “Elliot.”

  “Adonis. You have my number,” he mock whispered and winked. “Use it.”

  “Jackass.” Mac flushed and walked away, trying to ignore Elliot’s whistle.

  “Don’t worry. His wife asks that I harass him when I can. It’s good for him.”

  Charmed into laughter and a fun time at the gym, Zoe ended up making friends with Elliot. Who just happened to be Ava’s cousin.

  Small world.

  They swapped some Gavin stories. Hers revolved around Gavin and his siblings. Nothing Gavin wouldn’t have minded her sharing, she was sure. While Elliot told her all about the bitchy women still wanting a piece of “that fine tail.” He sure did know everything about everything.

  But he didn’t know if Gavin was feeling up to dinner tonight.

  She’d texted him just once since receiving his I’m sick and can’t talk note, not wanting to bug him but wishing him well. It had killed her not to have heard from him for a few days. But who wanted a clingy lover? Not her. So she’d left him alone, content he’d call to cancel or confirm their Saturday night dinner at his parents’—but he hadn’t.

  She said good-bye to Elliot with a promise to text him for lunch or drinks some time. Another friend to add to Ava, Cleo, and Piper. She was on a roll. Zoe grinned and left the gym. After arriving home, she forced herself to clean and do her normal Saturday chores before sending Gavin a text. Hope you’re feeling better. Tonight? Yes or no?

  He immediately returned it. Still on 4 tonite. Pick you up at 7:30. Wear something with cleavage. G.

  She laughed. Typical Gavin. Elliot hadn’t told her anything she hadn’t already known about her sexy man, except that now she liked him even more. According to Elliot, Gavin had tolerance for everyone—gay, straight, and in between. He treated the old and young with respect. Man or woman, it didn’t matter. Everyone at Jameson’s loved him. Even Michelle, his “spurned” one-nighter, would say nothing bad about Gavin. About Zoe, on the other hand…

  Michelle didn’t care for Zoe much. But since they had nothing to say to each other, Zoe could give a rat’s ass. Dwelling on Gavin’s exes didn’t do much but annoy her, so she spent her remaining hour figuring out what the heck to wear to meet Gavin’s parents.