This World We Live In ls-3

by Susan Beth Pfeffer

  We carried her outside, Sister Paulina by our side. Dad and Alex lowered the body gently into the hole they’d dug. Alex, Julie, and the Sister recited some prayers, and then Dad and Alex filled the hole with dirt.

  We didn’t stay much after that. It was still early, but the sky was getting dark. Sister Paulina kissed all of us good-bye and thanked us, and said she’d tell Sister Grace about our visit when she got back. Which we all knew she never would.

  We were back on the road for less than two hours when the van stopped. We could feel it die.

  Dad got out, lifted the hood, and acted like he knew what the matter was. Alex joined him. They looked manly and stupid and only got back in when rain began to fall.

  “We’ll sleep in the van,” Dad said. “We’ll start for home in the morning.”

  “How far are we?” Julie asked.

  “About forty miles, I’d say,” Dad replied.

  “That’s two days walking,” Alex said. “Three if the weather stays bad.”

  “We can do it,” Dad said. “We’ll be home by Thursday.”

  None of us said anything, but we all knew that’s two days of hard walking on no food. The longer we go without eating, the harder the walking will be.

  So that’s where we are. The rain is pelting against the roof of the van. Dad’s sitting behind the wheel, staring out the front window, thinking about Lisa probably, and Mom, and how upset they’re going to be. Alex and Julie are in the back, whispering furiously in Spanish. I’d brought my diary and a flashlight pen on a just-in-case basis, so I’m in the passenger seat, writing all this down. The more I concentrate on what happened, the less I have to worry about what’s going to happen.

  June 28

  We’re camping out in a gas station convenience store. It’s crowded with the four of us, there’s no food (we looked everywhere), the roof leaks, and the windows have all been smashed in. But the toilet works, so I guess we’re in paradise.

  We stopped before it got dark because Julie was coughing. I don’t know how much farther I could have gone anyway.

  Dad says we made good progress today, and he thinks we’re about twenty miles from home. We should be home by tomorrow night.

  “I want to tell you how proud I am of you,” he said. “A year ago I had three children. Now I have seven. The world is a mess, and you have every right to be angry and scared, but things will get better. You’ll make it better.”

  “We’ll do our best,” Alex said.

  Dad smiled. “Life’s sloppy,” he said. “You think you know how tomorrow is going to be, you’ve made your plans, everything is set in place, and then the unimaginable happens. Life catches you by surprise. It always does. But there’s good mixed in with the bad. It’s there. You just have to recognize it.”

  My feet are blistered from all the unaccustomed walking. My body is shaking from cold and hunger and exhaustion. I’m frightened I’ll never see home again and almost more frightened that once I get there, I’ll never leave.

  I know Dad’s right that there’s good mixed in with the bad. But I don’t know that I’ll ever have the wisdom to recognize it.

  June 29

  We’re still in New York, but we’re close to the border. We’re spending the night in an empty house. There are beds and pillows and blankets.

  Dad and Alex went out looking for bikes or a car with some gas. I fantasized they’d find some food. But when they came back, they had nothing.

  It was foggy most of the morning, and with the ash, it was like breathing mud. We had to take break after break because we were coughing too hard to move on.

  I had a horrible nightmare last night, and I couldn’t shake it from my mind today.

  I dreamed we were in the convenience store, Dad and Julie and me zipped in our sleeping bags. Only Alex was up. First he went to Julie and forced her to swallow two pills. Then he forced Dad to swallow two.

  When he got to me, I tried to free my arms from the sleeping bag, but I was trapped. I couldn’t move my body. I felt helpless as Alex knelt beside me. He gently lifted my head, resting it in the crook of his arm. Almost in spite of myself, I felt an overwhelming hunger for him, and when he bent over and kissed me, I welcomed his lips, his mouth, the proof of his love, until I tasted the sleeping pills on his tongue.

  I woke up shaking. There was enough light coming through the broken windows that I could see everyone’s faces. Even in sleep Alex looked troubled.

  I love Alex. I love loving Alex. I love his touch and I love remembering his touch. For so long I thought I would never have someone to love, and now I do. Every day I’m with him is a day I never believed possible.

  Tonight Alex is sleeping in the room next to mine. I want him so much. I want the wall between us to dissolve, for us to be alone, to be together, to be one.

  Then my doubts would be gone. My nightmares would be gone.

  All there would be is Alex and me.

  Two bodies. One heart.

  June 30

  We’re home.

  Horton is dead.

  I’m crying too hard to write.

  July

  Chapter 15

  July 1

  I slept most of today.

  Jon still refuses to come home.

  Matt went to Dad’s, but Jon wouldn’t talk to him. Dad told Matt that Jon’s angry at him for bringing Syl home. Syl’s in their bedroom, so she didn’t hear, but Matt whispered everything to Mom anyway. Maybe he didn’t want me to hear either, but I did.

  Syl tried to talk to me, to explain why she did it, but Mom said I was too tired to talk about anything and Syl’s explanations would have to wait.

  I know I’m going to have to talk to her. We live under the same roof, and I can’t move in with Dad the way Jon has. It wouldn’t be fair to Mom or to everyone there. Alex has to figure out what he and Julie are going to do, and the way she’s been coughing, they can’t go anytime soon. That would make seven of us there, not counting Gabriel, and three here, and that’s not a good idea.

  But I don’t want to talk to Syl. I don’t want to look at her.

  I’m going to start crying again. I’m going to my closet to cry there.

  July 2

  Alex came over. I haven’t seen him since we got home two days ago. He looked haggard.

  “Mrs. Evans, you have to talk to Jon,” he said. “You have to convince him to come home. It’s not good for Julie having Jon there all the time.”

  “I’m sorry,” Mom said. “When Jon’s ready to accept what Syl did, he’ll come back.”

  “Could you talk with him?” Alex asked me.

  I wasn’t sure what I’d say to Jon. I couldn’t ask him to accept Syl’s decision to let Horton go so he could die peacefully in the woods. I can’t accept it, and it doesn’t help that I was angry at Matt before we left for the convent and I’m even angrier now.

  But Mom won’t go over, which I refuse to think about because it scares me when I do, and Jon won’t talk to Matt, and Dad has Lisa and Gabriel and fears of his own to deal with. And Alex looked awful.

  “I’ll talk with him,” I said. “But I’m not going to change his mind.”

  “Just calm him down,” Alex said.

  “I’ll try,” I said. “But don’t get your hopes up.”

  Jon didn’t even know what Syl had done until Thursday. Mom sent Jon to stay with Lisa Tuesday night, and Syl let Horton out on Wednesday morning. Matt says that was to protect Jon, so he wouldn’t be there when Horton died, but even if that’s true, it wasn’t Syl’s decision to make. Mom was so worried about us, she didn’t realize Horton was gone until Thursday.

  Syl told her and Matt what she’d done, and Matt went over and told Jon. The two of them looked for hours before they found his body. Matt says he was maybe a hundred feet from the house. They just didn’t know where to look.

  I’m not going to cry.

  Matt went back to the house and got a towel and Horton’s favorite catnip mouse. He wrapped Horton up, and
he and Jon buried him in Mom’s old flower garden. That was Thursday afternoon, and no one knew where we were or if we were okay.

  And I didn’t know about Horton.

  I hate Syl. I hate her doing this to Horton and to Jon and to Mom. It tears me up inside to think of Horton trying to get home but too weak to make it those last hundred feet. Or maybe that was as far as he ever got.

  I knew he was dying. I think Jon knew it, too. But Horton should have been allowed to die in his own home. It was more his home than Syl’s.

  Charlie must have seen us as we were walking over, because he ran to join us. “I wanted to tell you how sorry I am,” he said to me. “About Horton. He was…” and he paused. “He was an excellent cat.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “He really was.”

  Charlie patted me on the arm and then went back to Matt.

  Alex turned to me. “I’m sorry,” he said, “about your cat. I never had a pet, so I don’t know how you feel, but I can see how upset Jon is.”

  “Horton was a member of our family,” I said. “It’s like losing a member of your family.”

  Alex is like Syl, like Charlie. They don’t talk about their pasts, their families. I know he has an older brother and a younger sister, but he’s never told me what happened to his parents. And I don’t want to think about what he’s been through to make him so certain death could be preferable to life.

  I have scars. No one alive today doesn’t. But Alex’s scars have to be much deeper than mine.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s different. But it still hurts so much.”

  Alex nodded. “I wish you hadn’t come on the trip,” he said. “You could have been home, maybe done something.”

  “Horton was dying,” I said. “It was a matter of time. I don’t like how he died. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive Syl. But it was good for me to go, to see what things are really like. I needed to know.”

  “I thanked Christ you were with us,” Alex said. “I thanked Him for every hour, every minute, with you.”

  “Do you mean that?” I asked.

  “I’m sorry, Miranda,” he said. “I’m not good at loving people. I know you’re supposed to want what’s best for them, but all I want is you.”

  “I’m here,” I said, reaching out for his hand to touch. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “But I am,” he said. “I’ve got to find a place for Julie.”

  “Her place is here,” I said. “Your place is here.”

  “We live on charity here,” Alex said. “Your family’s charity. The town’s charity. Charity doesn’t last.”

  “There’s a difference between charity and love,” I said. “What we’re offering is love. Love lasts forever.”

  “It only lasts if there’s something given in return,” Alex said. “I helped find food, the van. I gave your family things they needed. But now all I do is take. That wasn’t what I was taught, to take and not give. We have to go, Miranda. As soon as Julie’s ready, we’ll leave.”

  “Just think about it,” I said.

  “It’s all I ever think about,” he said. “Now come. Get Jon. It’s not good for Julie having him here.”

  I followed him into the house. Gabriel was crying, and Lisa was trying to soothe him. “Julie and Jon are in the parlor,” she said. “It’s okay. Hal’s with them.”

  I felt like an idiot. It took me until then to realize why Alex was so determined to separate Jon and Julie. Jon’s almost fifteen; Julie’s almost fourteen. They’re not just talking about baseball.

  But when we walked into the parlor, they weren’t talking about anything. Jon and Julie were reading textbooks, and Dad was looking straight at them.

  I haven’t seen Jon since I got home. I didn’t know what to say to him. All I knew was I couldn’t cry and I couldn’t tell him how angry I was at Syl.

  “Hi, Julie,” I said after I gave Dad a hello kiss. “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m okay,” she said. “I think I had a cold, but I’ve been okay since we got back.”

  “She’s been coughing a little,” Dad said. “But she’s feeling better.”

  “Good,” I said. “Hi, Jon.”

  Jon looked up at me. “I’m not going home,” he said. “I don’t care what you say.”

  “I haven’t said anything,” I pointed out.

  “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “I’m not going home. Not while she’s there.”

  “Her name is Syl,” Dad said. “And you’re going to have to forgive her sometime.”

  “I’m never going to forgive her,” Jon said. “You can’t make me.”

  “Syl let Horton die,” Julie said, like this was going to be news to me. “Jon hates her for that.”

  “Julie, shut up,” Alex said. “This isn’t our business.”

  “Don’t talk to her that way!” Jon screamed.

  “Jon,” Dad said. Gabriel howled in the background.

  “No!” Jon yelled. “I hate all of you. Julie and I are going away. We’re going to a safe town. We’ll never see any of you again.”

  “You’re not going anywhere, Jon,” Dad said. “You’re too young to travel on your own, and Alex won’t let Julie go. There’s no safe town in your future. You need connections to get passes. You can’t buy them like movie tickets.”

  “We won’t have to buy them,” Jon said. “Alex has some. Julie told me. He’s not using them, so we will.”

  I had no idea what Jon was talking about, but it was obvious Alex did. “You told him?” he said to Julie, sounding like he couldn’t possibly believe she had. But then he must have believed it because he started shouting at her in Spanish, and she yelled right back.

  “Stop it!” Dad said. “All of you. Right now!”

  It was like a game of frozen statues. None of us moved.

  I’ve never seen Dad so angry. “You have passes for a safe town?” he asked Alex. “What are you planning to trade them for? A truck ride to Ohio while your sister coughs to death?”

  Alex looked like Dad had punched him. Then he raced out of the room, out of the house. Julie jumped up and ran after him.

  “Go home, Jon,” Dad said. “Go home with Miranda.”

  “I won’t,” Jon said.

  “Stop acting like a child,” Dad said. “I won’t have it anymore.”

  “Please,” I said to Jon. “I need you. I hate it there without you.”

  There was a moment when I didn’t know what he would do. Jon’s been so strong the past year. He’s grown up so much. But there’s a part of him that’s still a kid.

  Jon nodded. He didn’t say anything more, but when we went outside, he ran to Julie. She took his hand, and after a moment’s hesitation they started toward our house.

  Alex watched as they walked away. He didn’t move as I approached him.

  “What’s all this about?” I asked. “You have passes to a safe town? Does that mean you and Julie could be living in one?”

  “It doesn’t concern you,” he said.

  “If it concerns you, it concerns me,” I said. “Honestly, Alex. What do I have to do to prove that to you?”

  “I’m sorry,” he said. He reached out and held me tightly. When our lips met, I felt like I knew everything about him. But of course there’s so much I don’t know.

  “The safe town,” I said, breaking away from him. “The passes.”

  “I have three passes,” Alex said. “They’re for family members—wives, husbands, young children. I’m past the cutoff age.”

  “But Julie isn’t,” I said. “Did Carlos know about the passes? When he decided she should go to the convent?”

  “I told him everything,” Alex replied. “I hoped he’d know where a safe town was. They keep them guarded. Carlos tried to find out where one was but he couldn’t, so he told me to take Julie to the convent instead. Julie didn’t want to go and I took her side. But Carlos insisted. Julie had to be someplace where she’d be protected, someplace where he and I could find her.�
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  “You still have the passes?” I asked. “You held on to them all this time?”

  “I kept them in reserve,” he said. “I would have bartered them for Julie if I’d had to. Then I thought I’d give them to the sisters, as payment for taking Julie. That way it wouldn’t be charity.”

  “Julie’s lucky to have you,” I said.

  “No one is lucky to have me,” he said. “Haven’t you figured that out yet?”

  “I am,” I said. “I’m lucky.”

  “Miranda,” he said, but I hushed him with a kiss.

  July 3

  Dad and Matt went into town today for our food. As far as I know, this is the first they’ve talked since before the trip to the convent.

  After they left, Alex came over. “I was wondering if you wanted to go house hunting,” he asked me.

  We got on the bikes and began riding. I led us in a new direction, and we prowled through a couple of houses, not finding much but not expecting to, either. We worked in silence, staying in the same rooms, but never touching.

  “Miranda, I’ve been thinking,” Alex said at last.

  “You think too much,” I said.

  He grabbed me. Or maybe I grabbed him. It’s a little hazy. All I know is we were in each other’s arms, sharing a long, hard, hungry kiss.

  “No,” he said, inching away. “This isn’t right.”

  “You’re thinking again,” I said, pulling him back for another kiss. He wanted me as much as I wanted him.

  “Come with us,” he said. “Julie and me. We’ll be a family.”

  “What about the monastery?” I asked.

  “That was a dream,” he said. “Like the safe town. Like the convent. But you’re real, Miranda. You and Julie and the world we’ve been handed. We can make it work. I know we can.”

  “That’s what I want, too,” I said.

  Alex hugged me. “You won’t regret it,” he said. “We’ll find a priest in Pittsburgh and get married there. I’ll get housing for you and Julie while I work in the coal mines. You won’t go hungry. I swear you won’t.”

  “Married?” I said. “By a priest? Couldn’t we just exchange vows right now?”