A Doctor for Keeps

by Lynne Marshall - A Doctor for Keeps

  She wanted to be everything he deserved, but until she finally found out her entire history, she’d forever be half of her whole. How could she give the man she loved half of herself when he deserved everything?

  * * *

  Friday afternoon, Desi sat at a table near the windows at Milo’s City Cafe on Northeast Broadway in Portland, working on her second cup of coffee. It had taken over two and a half hours to get here due to city traffic, and she’d had to park at the Lloyd Center and walk over.

  She’d told Gerda she wanted to spend a day shopping at the trendy mall and would be home too late for dinner. Since her uncle Erik had invited her to dinner the night before, she hadn’t seen Kent since Wednesday night. When he’d told her he loved her and mentioned about them being a family. She loved Kent—God, she loved him—and Steven had stolen her heart the first day they’d met.

  While Kent was at work on Thursday, she’d followed a whim and, after mailing the finished calligraphy invitations, paid another visit to the community college. Knowing a man loved her made her do crazy things. But her visit had been twofold. Gerda had spoken about Elke Norling deciphering the pirate journals, and curiosity drove Desi to get a visitor pass to sit in on one of her history courses. History of Heartlandia 101.

  The young blonde bore a strong facial resemblance to Gunnar, but where Gunnar was macho and worldly, Elke dressed beyond her years, hiding a nice figure in stereotypical bookworm fashion. Where he was built like a rugby player, she was petite and fragile looking. But Elke’s love of Heartlandia and the subject of the day—the influence of the Chinook native dwellers on Heartlandia’s birth—caused Desi’s chest to clutch.

  What must it be like to be part of a place you love with all of your heart?

  Desi clicked back into the here and now at the diner and checked her watch. Ten minutes to two. Victor had said he’d meet her at one. She’d ordered a piece of homemade apple pie to kill time and had only picked at the crust.

  The waitress stopped by. “Don’t you like it?”

  “I’m just not hungry,” Desi answered lamely, suspecting she’d insulted the waitress and Milo’s fresh-baked-pie reputation before the middle-aged lady in standard diner uniform swept the plate away.

  Hunger was the last thing on her mind, even as her stomach rumbled in protest. There was no way she could eat. Especially now, when the man purported to be her father had stood her up. Maybe he got the time wrong. Or worse, maybe he wanted nothing to do with her.

  Her insides were tighter than a knotted and coiled rope. She looked around the clean, slick version of a family diner. Throughout the midcentury modern building, everyone seemed happy and deep in conversation over their food, and here she was, staring at her watch. Waiting.

  To be on the safe side, Desi had only told Gunnar she’d be at the café. Guessing Gerda would tell Kent she’d gone shopping in Portland if he asked where she was, she hoped it wouldn’t spark concern. After all, Kent was the person who’d started the ball rolling on finding Victor Brown. He knew Victor’s last-known address was right here in Northeast Portland. Kent would put two and two together. Desi kept her fingers crossed he’d be wrapped up with work all day, followed by Friday-night pizza and video with Steven, and he wouldn’t connect the dots.

  She pumped her booted foot and took another sip of lukewarm coffee. How long should she wait? She speed-dialed Victor’s phone. It went directly to voice mail. Great. He wasn’t the least bit interested in meeting her, just like Cliff had warned.

  Damn it.

  She asked for a warm-up on her coffee, and just as the waitress poured from the fresh pot, a text message came through.

  Desi’s pulse nearly jumped out of her chest as she read. Gig came up. Meet another day?

  Devastation grabbed her by her shoulders and shook. She fisted her hands, fighting off tears.

  Talk about not being interested.

  How was she supposed to respond to his text? No problem. I like to waste time. Aren’t you interested in meeting your own daughter?

  Another text came through. How about Monday? Same time.

  Desi paid her bill, went to the bathroom and freshened up, feeling like nothing more than an afterthought to the man, and only then begrudgingly responded, O.K.

  She stepped out onto the heavily tree-lined avenue of Northeast Broadway and nearly stumbled. Another text, this one from Kent— Where are you?

  In Portland.

  I’m on NE Broadway. Where is Milo’s City Cafe?

  He was here? In Portland? She checked up and down the street, suddenly winded, as if she’d run a mile. Kent was half a block away. He strode toward her, something simmering in him.

  Anxiety rippled through Desi. Gerda had given her up without a second thought, and Gunnar had probably helped Kent zero in on his mark. Why couldn’t those people mind their own business?

  A tiny thought planted in her brain. Because they care about you. They told him because they care. Victor obviously didn’t give a damn, but at least he’d rescheduled.

  Desi swallowed as Kent came within hugging distance. Up close, the determined expression resembled hurt, the same emotion she was feeling from being stood up by her father.

  “You didn’t have any intention of letting me know why?” Kent said.

  “This is between me and my father.” Her knees were wobbly, but she’d stand her ground no matter how hard it was. “I didn’t want to worry you, and it’s important to me that I meet him.”

  “Worry me?” he said with a tight jaw and searching eyes.

  “I didn’t want to involve you because—”

  “Did you even hear what I said the other night?” His voice was low and measured.

  “Yes, but…”

  “When I told you I loved you?”

  “Yes, of course…”

  “You said it back to me. Did you mean it?” His brows shot up in doubt. “Or was it just an obligatory reply?”

  Could she explain how terrified she was of admitting her feelings to Kent, because it changed everything? “It’s not that I don’t care, because I do. Deeply. I love you, but—”

  “Don’t play me, Desi.” His gaze delved into hers, giving her time to take in what he’d intimated, and it felt awful. “When people love each other they don’t keep secrets.”

  “Kent, please understand.”

  “I’m trying, but this doesn’t make a lot of sense. You tell me you love me, we talk about getting involved, then you sneak off.”

  “I’ve been honest with you from the start. The question is, have you been listening?”

  “Yes, but for me, the big question is—” his tense voice softened in tone “—do you realize what you might be running to and leaving behind?” After searching her eyes, causing her to blink, Kent scanned the area. “Where is he?”

  Now she’d have to admit her defeat in front of the man she’d only just begun to love. “Didn’t show.” Tiny pinpricks started behind her lids.

  Kent’s expression softened. “I’m sorry,” he said, and she believed it as he gently grasped her upper arm. “Are you ready to come home, then?”

  He wanted her to give up, just like that? Did he think she was a child? She yanked her arm from his grasp and started down the street. Couldn’t he understand her lifelong need to be in touch with her father’s side? “We rescheduled for Monday. I’ve decided to stay here for the weekend.”

  He followed, nearly nipping at her boot heels. She knew her plans wouldn’t sit well with Kent and quickened her stride until they reached an empty lot.

  “Don’t treat me like I’m Steven.” She spun around and nailed him with all the frustration tangling her up inside.

  His pained look returned. Her selfish quest had hurt Kent—the guy who wanted to protect his son from women like her—and the man did a great job of wearing his feelings on his sleeve.

  But could she blame him?

  She wanted to take all the anger she felt for Victor right this moment and throw it at Kent
, but he didn’t deserve it. The man had been through hell and back in the past couple of years, what with his wife taking off and leaving him to raise Steven by himself. Here she was, adding to the pile.

  But she couldn’t back off. “If you think you can treat me like a kid because you care about me, it won’t fly.”

  He kept his distance, dug his hands into his back pockets. “Look, I understand your need to meet this guy.”

  “My father,” she corrected him.

  “Your birth father.” He took a slow breath. “I’m just asking for some honesty and consideration. That is, if you care about me at all.”

  She did care about him. “You know I do.”

  Hell, she loved him, but right now he was playing the martyr and pushing her way out of her comfort zone. She wanted to say thank-you for giving a damn and that she was sorry but she had to do what she had to do. But her tongue had gone into hiding and her throat closed. Why did everything have to be so freaking mixed-up?

  He swiped fingers through his hair. “The thing is, I can’t be the second choice to some guy who rescheduled. I’ve been through that already, and I’m no fool. Won’t go there again.”

  She understood his angle, but he needed to give her some consideration, too. Instead he wielded a martyred sword that sliced through her heart.

  Riled again, she shot back, “Are you giving me an ultimatum?”

  “I’m asking you to come home with me.”

  She went still and spoke softly. “I need to do this my way.” She needed time to herself without pressure from the people she cared about in Heartlandia trying to influence her decision.

  Their gazes knotted in a standoff.

  His arms went wide, palms lifted, imploring. “Damn, I knew what you planned to do all along and I still fell for you.” He looked like a defeated man, his eyes drooping, shoulders hunched. “I should never have kissed you, Desi. I should have held my ground and stayed that uptight dude telling you to stay away from my son.” There was pleading and love in his eyes. “But I couldn’t resist you and took it a helluva lot further than kissing.” He approached, played with the curls of hair around her shoulders as if he’d never seen or touched them before. “I walked right into your beauty and charms and fell for you, and now I feel like a fool.”

  He’d taken a knife to her core and sliced right through, pain penetrating every nerve. She’d hurt him, the only man who’d ever really cared about her. She shook her head, her blurred vision making him into a melting hero. She could barely utter sorry.

  “You’re not a fool,” she managed to get out.

  “Then what am I? You tell me.”

  “You’re a good man who I’ve been lucky enough to meet.” One thing was clear—she didn’t deserve him, not when she’d already hurt him and all he wanted was the best for her.

  Kent straightened, pulling himself together. His eyes flashed with thoughts, his jaw twitched, biting them back, but he wouldn’t stop. “You don’t need some stranger to tell you who you are. You need to look inside to find that out. If that’s not enough, look to Gerda, to your uncle and aunt, to Heartlandia.” He gave a wan smile. “Here’s a good one—look to Steven and me. You want to find out who you are then we’ve all got the answers. You don’t need this guy who doesn’t show up. Who hasn’t ever shown up.”

  “Stop it. Just stop right there. Don’t tell me how to think or what to say. This is my issue and we aren’t going to solve it on your terms. Can’t you try to understand what this means to me?”

  He pinched the bridge of his nose, as if his head was ready to explode. “I’m trying, Desi. I’m trying, but I just don’t get it.”

  “No, you’re not trying. You’re trying to bulldoze me into doing things your way.” She glanced at him as the hint of chagrin changed his stern expression. “You don’t have to get it. Just let me work things out on my own terms. Can you do that?”

  More mixed-up than ever whether this was the right thing to do or not—was Victor Brown worth it?—she stood determined. There was no going back on this quest.

  “Come home with me.” His words were quiet and controlled as he tested her.

  She dug in her heels and, full of fear and misgivings, went for it. “Please, Kent. Give me some time to discover the rest of myself.” She touched his arm, engaging his stressed and weary eyes. “I do love you—please know that. And I’m not like your ex-wife.” She’d played dirty, struck a chord, and his gaze faltered. “I need this. I need to meet my father.” She touched his other arm and squeezed both. “That’s all I’m asking, and I need you to understand that.”

  They shared a silent deadlock. She thought of another angle to get through to him. “If you love me, you have to trust me. Let me stay here, see this out.”

  His jaw tensed and his Adam’s apple bobbed in a slow, silent swallow. “How long?”

  Maybe she’d gotten through to him. Maybe he finally understood how this meeting went to the root of her whole being. “Until I finally know for sure who I am. Until I find out about all of me.”

  * * *

  That could take forever. Kent shook his head in defeat. Every sinew and cell in his body ached. He’d lost her, and he’d only just fallen for her. She asked for the one thing he wasn’t prepared to give. Trust. Not yet, anyway.

  She’d asked him to trust her. It seemed just out of his reach, beyond any capability to ever trust a woman again. Diana had made sure of that. She’d started out the same way, little fun visits to San Francisco, soon needing her S.F. fix at least once a month, then she moved on to her monthly girls’ week of shopping there. Hell, she’d even planned a week’s vacation in San Francisco when she knew Kent couldn’t get away from the Urgent Care. Then she dropped the bomb about them moving. Turned out she’d been seeing a real-estate agent, looking for the perfect house. Had plans to put Steven in boarding school. And when he said no, she left and never came back. Now she worked for that guy and probably lived with him, too.

  If he left Desi in Portland, it might be the beginning to her never coming back. Her seeking her past could make history repeat itself for him. Talk about lousy timing. He wanted to kick himself for letting down his guard and falling in love with her. He wanted to cuss every foul word he’d ever learned. He’d known better from the start, yet, because he didn’t have a clue how to do casual, he’d let it happen, fallen in love, head over heels. Like a complete fool.

  He did love her, which was why right now, this instant, he had to prove it to her by taking the hardest test of his life. He had to take her at her word, risk trusting her, once again trusting a woman he loved. Would it end up the way it had with Diana, or was this the only way to prove to Desi he wasn’t just saying words when he’d said “I love you”?

  “I’m just two and a half hours away. It’s not like I’m halfway around the world,” she said.

  “The way I feel right now, you may as well be.”

  “I won’t shut you out, Kent. I promise.”

  She said she needed this. He saw the driven expression in her eyes pleading for his understanding. He had to believe how important this was for her. He studied her, saw a woman with tortured determination written all over her beautiful face. She wouldn’t back down, and there was something else he noticed—she needed his trust as much as she needed this Victor person to show up.

  If he loved her, he couldn’t demand her to come home with him like he wanted with every fiber in his body. He had to be bigger than his insecurity.

  He rubbed his beard. “Okay. We’ll do it your way.” It came out gruffer than he’d meant, but her expression brightened anyway.

  “I promise, no matter what, I’ll be back in Heartlandia by Monday night.” Her beautiful mahogany eyes danced while she spoke.

  Kent had to believe her. He couldn’t let his worst fears take hold. Not right now. Yet the thought of losing Desi gripped his core and nearly squeezed the breath out of him.

  He loved her and wanted the best for her, and in his mind that m
eant her being with him…yet her eyes shone through the disappointment today.

  She’d told him right from the start she was looking for her father. There was no guessing what might happen until she actually met him. This meeting might mean getting to know a whole different family and spending time with them, and that could change everything.

  But she needed him to be on her side. The least he could do was give her hope, something he felt slipping through his grasp. Her father better not stand her up again or Kent would find him and deliver his message personally.

  Because he loved her, he forced his fingers to relax and nodded, doing the toughest thing he’d ever had to do: pretend he could deal with this and trust she’d still want him. “Okay. Good luck. See you Monday.”

  Kent kissed Desi lightly, barely holding himself together, and turned to leave.

  She’d promised to come back to Heartlandia, but when she did, depending on what went down with her father, it might be only the first step toward saying goodbye.

  Chapter Twelve

  Desi spent the weekend at an inexpensive motel, using the one and only credit card she kept for emergencies. She’d paid off her mother’s medical bills by selling the house, had been living on the grace of her grandmother and until now had been able to meet her personal expenses with her calligraphy money and posing for the art class. She could count on being paid soon for the invitations she’d finished and mailed before leaving for Portland, which would help pay for the motel.

  She’d called her grandmother Friday night, after she’d calmed down from her encounter with Kent. Then she told a little white lie about loving the city and wanting to stick around for the weekend, see more of the sights. Mostly, she stayed in her room and thought.

  Thinking about Kent roiled up so many emotions that she didn’t know what to do. Thoughts of her grandmother made her wish they’d devoured all of those boxes of pictures and mementos about her mother. Somehow, they’d never gotten back to walking memory lane after Gerda’s medical episode and escalating mayoral duties.