Witty Pieces by Witty People
Page 7
Berdie Magoogin an' heraccomplished daughther, Mrs. Arethusy Dinkelshpiel, has gone to Parishto intertain th' jook av Rockaway Cheese, an' fwhin ye do ye kin pit itdown as a fact that yer frind an' naybor, the daycint widdy woman that'snow shpakin' to ye, has kicked the shtuffin' out av a littlebanty-legged Ditchman that was wanst her son-in-law, but that talked toomooch about th' koind av poi an' cake that his ould freckle-hairedmother ushed to make, thet kin no more shpake th' Inglish languidgec'reckly than a pig can say his pray'rs. Remim'er that, now, Mrs.McGlaggerty!"
JOHN J. JENNINGS.
Lived on Water.
Smudge--Dr. Tanner was not the first man who lived on water for fortydays.
Fudge--No!
"Of course not."
"Who else?"
"Well, what's the matter with Noah?"
--_San Francisco News Letter._
Unpatriotic.
I always hate to tell a story out of season, but I am afraid that thisone will not keep until the next Fourth of July, so here goes: A womanwho lives in the western part of our city was very much disturbed by thefrightful noises which accompanied the celebration this year. She wasold and quite ill, and she had spent a night in tossing, waiting in vainfor a silence that came not and which drove sleep out of the question.It was near sunbreak, when the noise was at its wildest, when with agroan she turned over and in despair ejaculated: "Goodness, gracious me.I wish the other side had licked!"
--_Baltimore Free Press._
She Knew the Vegetable.
Mrs. J. (severely)--John, there is a very strong odor about you.
Mr. J.--Yes--hic--my dear, I've--hic--been eating onions.
Mrs. J.--You may have the onion breath, John, but you certainly have notthe onion walk.
--_Life._
The Wisdom of Babes.
Ministerial Friend (on a visit)--I wonder what makes your mamma so happyto-day? She is singing around all over the house.
Little Nell--I dess she's thought of somfin' to scold papa about when hecomes home.
--_Philadelphia Record._
A Cutting Remark.
Algernon--You must not think, dearest, that because you are rich and Iam poor I am anxious to marry you on account of your money.
Genevieve--Whose are you after, pa's?
--_Judge._
Their First Season.
HE.
I wonder now would she say yes? I'd really like to make a go Of one proposal to learn how, And would, if only she'd say no.
SHE.
I wonder now will he propose? I must have one before I go, It's hard to hurt his feelings--still, Can I say yes? Let's see--well--no.
--_Wasp._
The Rascal Responded Promptly.
Up in a certain town the grocers understand all the little tricks of thetrade. A gentleman bought six pounds of sugar, and found it sadlyadulterated with sand. The next day a notice was posted reading thus:
"NOTICE--I bought six pounds of sugar of a grocer in this village. Fromit I have taken one pound of sand. If the rascal will send me six poundsof sugar I will not expose him."
The next day five six-pound packages of sugar were left at thegentleman's residence, there being just five grocers in the village.
--_Boston Record._
CHAMPION KICKERS.]
THE INVARIABLE RESULT.]
(_With apologies to Scott and Pope._)
Oh, woman in our hours of ease, Uncertain, coy, and hard to please; Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face, We first endure, then pity, then embrace.
--_Town Topics._