Witty Pieces by Witty People

by Various

Idyl.

  Night after night a witching sprite, Outside among the roses, Sings lullabies; but to my eyes Her form she ne'er discloses. She hides away the livelong day, And keeps herself secluded; To reach her side in vain I've tried; My efforts she's eluded.

  She seemed so coy; but to my joy, At last, by chance, I met her. The fair unknown is now my own, And soon I'll not forget her. Last evening she encouraged me-- My triumph is complete, oh; I own 'twas rash--I made a mash Of pretty, young Miss Quito.

  --_Wasp._

  A Point Usually Overlooked.

  The youthful heir to a Walnut Hills ancestral establishment is of aninquiring turn of mind and directs his attention especially to theelucidation of religious problems. Last week he heard a Sunday schooladdress on "The Prodigal Son." Just what the small boy thought of theaddress his father was curious to learn, and so he said to him thatnight at supper: "My son, tell me which of the characters in the parableof the prodigal son you sympathized with?" "Well, papa," replied thecherub with perfect nonchalance, "I think I'd feel disposed tosympathize most with the calf."

  --_Cincinnati Commercial Gazette._

  Still Alive.

  He--Then this is your final answer, Miss Jones?

  She--It is.

  "You won't have me?"

  "I am sorry, but I must decline."

  "Then I will do something desperate."

  "What will you do?"

  "I will make away with myself."

  "Oh! don't."

  "I will. I'm determined to do it."

  "Well, if you are determined, give a proof that you truly love me byinsuring your life in my favor for $20,000 or so before you commit thedesperate deed. I will get money from papa to pay the premium."

  He left indignantly and at last accounts was still alive.

  --_Sunday Mercury._

  Devoted Admirers, Both.

  He (of Boston)--I am so fond of Bacon! Aren't you?

  She (of New Orleans)--Oh, yes; I don't think I could ever get tired ofbacon, especially with eggs!

  --_Lowell Citizen._

  A New Definition of a Bobtail Flush.

  Mr. Gunsaulus was telling a group of the bibliomaniacs yesterday thatthere was nothing so beautiful in a house as a bevy of bright children."I have a very lovely family," said he. "I hold, as the sinful worldwould say, a bobtail flush."

  "What's that?" asked Hon. Charles B. Farwell, the well-known collectorof Bibles and psalm books.

  "We were talking about children," exclaimed Mr. Gunsaulus, "and I wassaying that in our family we had a bobtail flush--four girls and a boy."

  "No," said Mr. Farwell, smiling sadly; "it is evident that you have hadno experience in the ways of the world, otherwise you would not make soerroneous an application of terms. You do not hold a bobtail flush; youhold four of a kind--four queens and a jack--a powerful good hand, sir,and I should advise you to stand pat."

  --_Chicago News._

  She Wasn't Posted.

  Grocer (who has lately joined the militia, practising in hisshop)--Right, left, right, left. Four paces to the rear; march! (Fallsdown trapdoor into the cellar.)

  Grocer's wife (anxiously)--Oh, Jim, are you hurt?

  Grocer (savagely, but with dignity)--Go away, woman; what do you knowabout war?

  --_Liverpool Post._

  MRS. O'FLAHERTY HAS THE BABY'S PICTURE TAKEN.]

  Very Necessary.

  Minister (to Johnny, who is digging worms for bait)--Johnny, don't youknow that it is wrong for you to do any work except work of necessity onthe Sabbath?

  Johnny--Necessity? Ain't this necessity? How's a feller to do anyfishin' if he don't have bait?

  --_Lawrence American._

  A Righteous Judge.

  Judge--You say the prisoner threw you out of the door. Had you provokedhim?

  Plaintiff--Not at all. He advertised an unusually fine bargain sale oflaces, and I went in and asked him for the lowest figure on a pair ofshoe laces.

  Judge--Prisoner is discharged. Mr. Clerk, swear out a warrant againstplaintiff and have him arrested for criminal assault.

  --_Harper's Bazar._

  "HEART BOWED DOWN!"]

  A Family Peculiarity.

  One of the officers of the Nypano, who is a great talker, received arebuke from his little three-year-old girl on Memorial Day that wasworse than he ever received from his older friends. He stayed at homethat day to amuse his little girl who inherited the "gift of gab." Shenearly wore him out asking questions until finally he said, "Amy, Amy,Amy. Do keep still; it's nothing but talk, talk, talk all the time." Thelittle one didn't seem to care a bit, for she looked up innocently andsaid, "Talk, talk, talk. Jess 'ike papa."

  --_Cleveland Plain Dealer._

  Taking One Too Literally.

  Old Friend--Well, Browne! what are you sending to the exhibition thisyear?

  Our Artist (who really thinks he's done a good thing at last and longsfor a little praise)--Oh--same old rot, as you see!

  Old Friend--Ah--well--anyhow it brings grist to the mill, I suppose.

  --_Punch._

  A HEAVY LOAD.]

  LUSH--Gosh--hic--12 o'clock. Guess'll g'ome.

  YOUNG AMERICA (in the background)--Say, boss, drop in a nickel and weighyour load.

  --_Judge._

  Had No Regrets.

  "Johnnie, my boy, wouldn't you have liked to have been GeorgeWashington?"

  "Naw."

  "No? And why?"

  "He never seed a baseball game in his life."

  --_Nebraska State Journal._

  About to Strike Dead Luck.

  A small manufacturer, who had engaged in many local speculations, whichhad always turned out well, had become a person of some wealth thereby.He was rather past the middle age when he bethought himself of insuringhis life, and he had only just taken out his policy when he fell ill ofan acute disease, which was certain to end fatally in a very few days.The doctor, half hesitatingly, revealed to him his hopeless state. "Byjingo!" he exclaimed, rousing up at once into the old energy, "I shalldo the insurance company! I was always a lucky fellow!"

  --_N. Y. Press._

  March Winds.

  The devil makes the strong March wind That lifts the skirts too high; But angels send the whirling dust That blows in the bad man's eye.

  --_Life._

  Reconciliation.

  "Say, old man, why continue this coldness any longer? We haven't spokento each other for two years, and because of a trivial quarrel."

  "There is no reason why we shouldn't be friends. Of course, you were theaggressor in the quarrel, but I ask no apology."

  "Oh, you're wrong. You started the row, you remember."

  "No, I didn't. You killed my dog first----"

  "Yes, but the hanged brute had been killing my chickens."

  "It never killed one of them."

  "It killed at least a dozen, and I'd shoot your other dog if it didthat."

  "And I'd pound the top of your head off for doing it."

  "You couldn't pound one side of it."

  "You're a liar."

  "You're another."

  "Come into the alley here and we'll have it out, you hound."

  "I'll go you, you blear-eyed monkey."

  --_Li
ncoln Journal._

  Confiding.

  A Chicago gambler, whose first name was George, used to visit aChinaman's establishment and smoke opium almost daily. One day he rushedinto the place and said, excitedly: "Hip, loan me $10. Thanks. I'll comein and pay you to-morrow noon, if I'm alive," and out he went with themoney. About three o'clock the next afternoon a friend of the gamblerdropped in on the Chinaman and said: "Hip, where is George to-day?" andthe confiding Celestial wiped his eyes with the corner of his blouse andreplied: "George, him dead."

  --_Boston Globe._

  A Nun-Like Girl and Her Mischievous Friend.

  It was on the St. Jose train and two young ladies--one as serious andgood as a little nun, the other