The Change-Up

by Syd Parker

  “I invited Sawyer to join us for the holiday, since her family doesn’t celebrate.”

  “Cool.” Kevin shoved a forkful of food into his mouth and chewed around a satisfied smile.

  Sawyer punched Kevin on the shoulder playfully. “Think you will be alright with your coach hanging around for the holidays?”

  Kevin shot his mother an inquisitive glance before answering. He wondered if his words had altered the situation at all. It seemed odd that earlier his mother wouldn’t even take a phone call, and now his coach had an open invitation to holiday suppers. He saw no censure in her eyes. “You can hang out all the holidays, if you want. Beats hanging out with my family. Except you, Mom. I don’t mind you.”

  Bellamy choked on her food. “You don’t mind me. That’s comforting.”

  “Aw, Mom, you know that’s not what I meant. I meant it’s awkward with Grandpa sometimes.”

  “I know it is.” Bellamy covered Kevin’s hand with hers and squeezed it.

  Sawyer sensed there must be something odd in the relationship with Bellamy’s father. She wouldn’t pry, but it did peak her curiosity. So far, Sawyer knew little about her parents, other than they were divorced and didn’t get along. Her own family was weird, but she was used to that. She waited until Bellamy released Kevin’s hand before speaking. “So, Kevin, how’s senior year? Do you think you will miss Columbus High?”

  Kevin shrugged noncommittally. “Maybe some stuff. The guys from the team and Coach Howard, of course.”

  “What about home?”

  This time Kevin paused, his eyes flicking to his mother. He tried not to think about leaving her alone. When he left, she would have no one. There were times he felt guilty about making the decision to go away to college. He knew she would be furious if he wasted his talent and opportunity just for her. That was something they had discussed quite often, and she adamantly refused to let him give up on this dream. “I’ll miss my mom most of all. It’s been just us for so long that not being home will be a huge adjustment for me.”

  “I bet we could get your mom to come visit us. Maybe make some visits in between games.”

  “Is that your way of guilting me into coming to see you?” Bellamy’s eyes danced teasingly. “I can’t say no now.”

  “Of course not. I would never put you up to something you didn’t want to do. You do want to see us, don’t you?”

  “Not really.” Bellamy tilted her head sideways, feigning exasperation. “Yes, you know I want to see my son.”

  “And me?”

  Sawyer’s face registered doubt, and Bellamy saw for the first time how fragile she really was. Bellamy knew she shouldn’t let her feelings be known, not when she had absolutely no intention of acting on them, but the sincere innocence in Sawyer’s wish for acceptance shattered her resistance. “Yes.”

  One word, and all Sawyer’s incertitude disappeared. She lowered her face, hiding the wisp of a smile that touched the corners of her mouth. All she needed was for Kevin to see the longing in her eyes. She didn’t want to face the awkwardness of someone else knowing she was head over heels in love with Bellamy.

  “So, you’ll come to some of my games?”

  “Of course I will, honey. Why would you think otherwise?”

  Kevin shrugged. “Delta is pretty far away and you have work.”

  “Work I can do from the road.” Bellamy set her fork down and studied her son. She saw the hopeful eyes of Kevin, at five, set in the face of a young man. She remembered all the times Kevin’s father had disappointed him and the promises she made to never hurt him like David had. “I will be at as many games as humanly possible. Deal?”

  “Deal.” Kevin beamed. When his mother said deal, it meant a vow. “See, Coach, she will come see us.”

  “That she will.” Sawyer hid her delight behind her glass, smiling as she swallowed. “I’ll get you the schedule as soon as it’s out. I know it’s a ways off, but I’ll make sure you have it. Can’t always trust these college students.”

  “Thank you, Sawyer.” Bellamy’s hand curved in front of her face, and her fork dangled loosely as she held Sawyer’s gaze for several more seconds before smiling and looking away shyly.

  “So, Kevin, do you stay in touch with the guys?”

  “Mostly Cody. We have a lot in common. We throw the same pitches. Love the same music. His dad left when he was little. You know, dumb stuff like that.”

  “He told you about that?” Sawyer looked surprised. Cody didn’t normally share his home life with many folks.

  “Yeah, sure. We’re cool.” Kevin played it off, but he knew what a big deal it was to let someone see a side of you that was weak. He hated thinking about his dad leaving them. He hated even more that it still bothered him, and that he still thought about him more than he wanted to. It was nice to talk to someone else who understood the way he felt. It made him feel not so alone or weird for wanting to have a relationship with his absent father. Kevin didn’t hate him but didn’t understand how he could just walk away. Cody helped him work through some of the anger he had. “We don’t talk about my dad a lot. Mostly music and baseball and stuff.”

  “I’m glad you’re staying in touch with the team. It will make it easier when you come in next fall. It will be here before you know it. Shoot! February is right around the corner. You’ll be starting your season soon.”

  “Hey, don’t take him yet.” Bellamy knew the day would come when Kevin would leave the nest, but she didn’t want to wish the time away that she did have left.

  “I wouldn’t do that. I’m just amazed at how fast time flies now that I’m old.”

  “Old?” Bellamy snorted. “You can’t be a day over thirty-five.”

  “Try forty.” Sawyer shook her head, laughter in her eyes. “Look who’s talking. You aren’t old enough to have a teenager.”

  “Honey, I’m looking at forty in the rear-view mirror and wondering why it’s so blurry.”

  “You both look great.”

  “I agree with Kevin. You look great, Bell.”

  Bellamy paused, caught in Sawyer’s gaze. No matter how much she tried to tell herself to keep her composure, a simple look from Sawyer made her heart beat faster. “As do you.” Bellamy buried her face in her plate, praying she wasn’t as transparent as she felt, because right now, she felt naked. She imagined her soul was bared for the world to see. And all the world would see she was falling in love with a woman she barely knew.

  Sawyer saved her from any further embarrassment. “Coach Howard thinks you all will take State this year.”

  “Probably so. We’ve got a deep bench and a great bullpen. With Lambert pulling a new head coach, this should be a rebuilding year for them. I’d say we have a pretty good chance.”

  “I’m hoping my schedule works out that I can see a few games, especially Regionals.”

  “That would be cool.” Kevin already liked his coach, but her desire to come to some of his games raised her even higher in his estimation. “I would love to go out on top.”

  “It feels pretty good.” Sawyer thought about her own tenure in high school. The Blue Devils had taken state her junior and senior year. She was proud to have been a part of both winning teams. It was a feeling she hadn’t forgotten, though the intensity had faded over the years. “You couldn’t ask for a better coach than Howard.”

  “Coach says he’s retiring after this year.”

  “I’m not surprised. He’s been doing it longer than you’ve been alive. I’m sure his wife would love for him to hang up his cleats. I bet he will still hang around, in some capacity. It’s in his blood. Folks like us can’t just walk away. It keeps bringing us back.”

  “Is that why you decided to coach?” Bellamy took the brief pause in the conversation and inserted herself in the discussion.

  “Like I always say, I didn’t choose the game; the game chose me. I couldn’t keep playing, much as I wanted to, but there was no way I could turn my back on baseball. It taught me too much. It sc
ulpted who I am today. Kevin is a lot like me. He is the game. It courses through his veins. His fingers tingle when he picks up a ball. His heart speeds up when he pitches. He feels part of something bigger when his bat connects with the ball. It’s an indescribable feeling.”

  “I can’t decide if you’re talking about baseball or your first love.”

  “Maybe both.” Sawyer gestured toward Kevin with her head. “I’m sure it’s the same way with whatever your thing is.”

  Bellamy frowned. She wasn’t sure she had a thing. The only time she remembered feeling so wholly enveloped in an emotion was the brief moment she gave herself to Sawyer. I didn’t choose love; love chose me. It certainly felt that way. Bellamy knew she would never have chosen someone like Sawyer to love. It wasn’t right, not in the world she lived in. But she wondered if she had no choice in the matter. As if the decision had already been made, and sooner or later, she would just have to follow the path that had been set out for her. Bellamy diverted the attention from herself. “I see why you coach.”

  “I guess I never saw myself doing anything different. And if you think the guys are devoted to the game, you should see my girls. There is nothing like being told you can’t have something to fuel the fire that’s already burning deep within. It quickly becomes the one thing that fills every waking thought. The girls at my camp have a drive like I’ve never seen. They are hungry. I didn’t make it any further than high school, but you never know with these girls. I could be coaching a future MLBer. Heck, there’s a female shortstop from France who is on the list of international prospects who could be signed by a Major-League club. Not likely, but it shows you how far someone is willing to go for a dream.”

  “That’s awesome.” Kevin looked duly impressed. “I hope she makes it. Maybe I’ll get to play with her one day.”

  “It just shows the world is changing; people are becoming more open-minded, more accepting of differences. Hell, I didn’t think I would ever see marriage equality in half the states it’s in now, but we have it. One day, I believe same-sex marriage will be legal in all fifty states.”

  “There are still a lot of people against it.” The devil’s advocate in Bellamy came out. “Just because marriage is legal, it won’t mean everyone will accept it.”

  “Why should it matter what anyone else thinks? At the end of the day, you are the one that has to answer for how you live your life.” Sawyer set her fork down and swiped her napkin across her mouth. “I didn’t bring it up to start an argument. I was making a point about the human spirit. It’s just a sign that if you want something bad enough and fight for it, eventually you can achieve it.”

  Kevin watched the sparks pass between his mom and his coach. He knew his mother was very religious and that should account for her opinion on marriage, but it seemed as though something else had pushed her to argue with Sawyer. Eager to diffuse the situation, he hopped up and cleared his throat. “What do you say to dessert?”

  “What?” Bellamy blinked rapidly.

  “Do you want me to get dessert?” Kevin prayed his mother would acquiesce. He couldn’t stand to see them fight. He had hoped Sawyer’s presence at supper meant that his mother had gotten over whatever was bothering her. Now, he worried that it was surfacing again.

  “Oh, yes. Dessert. That’s good.” Bellamy pushed away from the table. “I’ll help.”

  “No, you relax. I’ll get it.” Kevin grabbed his mother’s plate and stacked it on his then piled Sawyer’s on top and headed into the kitchen.

  Bellamy smiled guiltily. “He’s a peace maker. He never wanted his father and me to fight.”

  “I don’t want to fight with you, Bell.” Sawyer’s voice was barely a whisper, her eyes pleading for forgiveness. “I never want to fight with you.”

  “I know.” Bellamy lowered her eyes and picked at the table cloth.

  “I guess part of me wanted you to realize that there’s nothing wrong with loving a woman.”

  Kevin popped his head around the corner and opened his mouth to speak, but the look on his mother’s face stopped him. He stepped back, angling his body against the doorframe and listened to the two women talking.

  “I can’t, Sawyer. I just can’t. I’m afraid. Afraid for me. For Kevin. What if it’s wrong? I can’t afford to take that chance.” Bellamy’s voice broke as she spoke. “I want to. Oh, how I want to. You make it so easy to want what I can’t let myself have.”

  “I’m sorry, Bell. I never meant to hurt you.”

  “It’s not your fault. I wasn’t prepared for you. Nothing could have prepared me for you.”

  “I can walk away.”

  “No, you can’t.” Bellamy’s eyes flashed painfully. “It wouldn’t matter anyway. You know how you described baseball. You’re the fire that burns in my soul. Even if I never saw you again, which, by the way, is impossible, I’ll remember you the rest of my life.”

  Kevin closed his eyes and laid his chin on his chest. He shouldn’t be listening to this. This was his mother’s secret, one it sounded like she would keep until she died. He slipped back into the kitchen silently. His mother deserved to love again. What did it matter that it was another woman? He grabbed a knife and pushed it into the pie, slicing equal pieces automatically. His mind played the words he heard over again. There had been a finite tone in his mother’s words. He knew once she made up her mind, she seldom changed it, even if it meant being wrong. He could picture the determined set of her chin. In most instances, it didn’t matter, but in this one, it made him very sad. Kevin shook his head, knowing that he could do nothing to change her mind. He finished dishing healthy slices of pie before yelling into the other room. “Ice cream?”

  A chorus of yesses came from the dining room. Kevin added scoops of vanilla bean ice cream to the pie. He balanced the plates on his arms and walked back into the other room, hoping his face didn’t show that he had heard them talking. “You’ll love mom’s pie. It’s the best pecan ever.”

  Sawyer’s reddened slightly, and she avoided Bellamy’s questioning glance. “I’m sure I will. Supper was already delicious.” Sawyer speared her pie and shoved a large bite into her mouth, issuing the appropriate, appreciative moan.

  “Told ya.” Kevin smirked proudly.

  “Kevin.” Bellamy offered an apologetic smile, praying the air in the room was convivial and not as serious as she knew it was.

  “He’s right, Bellamy.” Sawyer wasn’t sure why she went back to using Bellamy’s full name, other than Bell seemed too intimate after their conversation. She couldn’t stay out of Bellamy’s life. With Kevin at Delta State, she would have to see her on occasion, but she could keep things more formal. Sawyer let herself get too close. The cozy family setting of the evening had Sawyer foolishly believing that more was possible. Bellamy made it very clear that wasn’t the case.

  “Thank you.” Bellamy’s tone was civil. She hadn’t reacted to the use of her full name, but inside, she was dying. She could see from the cool reserve in Sawyer’s eyes that she had pulled away. There was a wall there Bellamy hadn’t seen before. It was what she wanted, wasn’t it? Acquaintances, and nothing more. It already felt awkward.

  Sawyer finished her pie quickly and pushed back in her chair. “Everything was delicious.” She glanced at her watch, and though it wasn’t late, she pretended it was. “I should get going. Can I help clean up before I go?”

  “No, you’re a guest.” Bellamy stood up and started gathering dishes. “You don’t have to go. It’s early. You and Kevin can watch the game while I clean up.”

  Sawyer eyed Kevin and smiled regretfully. “Maybe next time. I should get back and check on my dad. He needs back-up with my mom sometimes.”

  Bellamy looked crestfallen. In a matter of minutes, everything changed. It was what she wanted, but she hated everything about it.

  Sawyer leaned on the chair. “Thank you for inviting me, Bellamy. I didn’t realize how much I missed this. Kevin, take it easy on the practice. You don’t have to kill you
rself to be good.”

  “Yes’m.” Kevin nodded in agreement.

  Sawyer hem-hawed around, fighting the urge to stay, and knowing she shouldn’t. “Okay, I better get.” She hugged Kevin and waved at Bellamy. “Happy Thanksgiving.”

  Bellamy watched Sawyer leave, her heart breaking with every step. The door shut loudly and Bellamy jumped, her body propelling her to the door. She threw it open. “Sawyer.”

  Sawyer stopped on the steps and looked back expectantly. “Yes?”

  Bellamy descended the steps until she was face-level with Sawyer. “I’m sorry.”

  “Be sorry for nothing.”

  “Sawyer, I…” Bellamy swallowed nervously. There were so many things she wanted to say, but the words failed her. Finally, she wrapped her arms around Sawyer and held onto her tightly. Everything about the hug felt like good-bye. Pain pierced her chest like a white-hot knife. Bellamy knew she could end the pain, if she only let herself love.

  “Bell.” Sawyer’s voice whispered in her ear, and Bellamy leaned into her cheek. Sawyer pulled Bellamy’s arms from around her body and stepped down a level. “I have to go.”

  “I know.” Tears brimmed in Bellamy’s eyes. "Good-bye, Sawyer.” She stood on the steps long after Sawyer’s car disappeared around the corner.

  “Mom.” Kevin stood in the doorway, watching his mother intently.

  Bellamy swiped at her eyes before turning around and giving Kevin a half-hearted smile. “Hey. Guess I zoned out.”

  “I cleaned the kitchen up and put everything away. I’m gonna go to bed, if that’s okay. I’m pretty beat.”

  Bellamy nodded and kissed Kevin on the cheek. She hadn’t noticed how skinny he was before or how tired he looked lately. She agreed that he needed to take it easy. “Good night, honey.”

  “Night, Mom. Love you.”

  “Love you.” Bellamy watched him ascend the steps. When his door closed, she made her way to one of the arm chairs in the living room, sinking into the welcoming softness. She glanced at the empty chair beside her, wishing she wasn't alone. She fingered her cell phone, toying with the idea of calling Sawyer. She set the phone down with a sigh, knowing there was no good reason to call her and no good outcome. All she would do was try to talk what had happened into the ground, and that wouldn’t do either of them a bit of good. Instead, she leaned back and closed her eyes, praying one day, she wouldn’t hurt so badly.