by Anna Antonia
I wasn’t enough to keep beyond an occasional fuck. Apparently, I wasn’t even good enough for that.
And that’s not even the end of it.
Someone official was bound to find out about tonight. They’d take Damian away from me. Police, FBI, someone. His money wouldn’t be able to protect him. I wouldn’t be able to protect him. His intent to protect me wouldn’t matter.
The end result would seal his fate.
Either way I lost this man. And I barely survived losing him when the stakes were much lower. How would I survive this final time?
They’ll lock him up. For years. Maybe even life. His reputation, every good thing he ever did, none of it will matter. All he’ll be remembered for was being a convicted murderer. And it’s all my fault.
Bile burned my throat. I breathed shallowly, feeling myself getting sucked back into that surreal zone of not even being sure if any of this was real.
I was about to eat fried chicken. And now I’m on the run with Damian.
He sat down next to me. I looked at him blankly. He opened up his arms and said my name.
Aching to take the comfort he offered, I wanted to leap onto his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. I wanted Damian to rock me until I fell asleep. I wanted to wake up still in his embrace.
Wanting and doing were two different things.
I wasn’t brave enough to accept the consequences. Taking Damian now and then losing him later? No. I wasn’t even close to being brave enough for that.
And so I couldn’t make that first move. I was too much of a coward.
Apparently, Damian wasn’t.
He looked at me for a moment and then pulled me to him. Careful not to crush me, he nonetheless kept me close.
“Your mind starts whirling and there’s little to stop it unless I do this.” Damian stroked my hair, pressing my face against his chest.
He was right here. Mine. Heartbeat steady and strong beneath my ear, arms just as I remembered them, and scent delicious in a way I never got tired of.
Somehow I managed to stay composed. Barely.
“You shouldn’t do this.”
“You shouldn’t resist.”
I pushed against Damian. It was like pushing against a brick wall. Hard and unmovable.
Or solid and sheltering.
“I’ll be fine.”
He growled softly. “Aspire for more than fine, little girl.”
“Bully.”
“Hush.”
Giving into weakness, I closed my eyes and finally let my body relax against his. Damian always had the best hugs. Every embrace was like a pledge that nothing could ever hurt me as long as I was in his arms.
“Why did you forget me, Damian? Do you have any idea how much you gutted me?”
The questions seeped out. Really, there was no point in expecting him to give me a satisfactory answer. It wasn’t possible. Damian couldn’t help the way his brain was wired.
My pain was just that—mine.
And yet I suffered the betrayal all the same.
He sighed, the sound a familiar rumble beneath my ear. “I don’t know why I forgot. I can’t believe it much less understand it, Risa. There’s so much about these past few months that I don’t understand about myself. It was as if I was a different person. I remember things like an observer would. Present but removed. I can’t explain my actions. All I can do is correct the damage I inflicted on you.”
A sad smile found its way onto my lips. It was such a Damian answer.
Formal. Logical. Bloodless.
“You really hurt me, Damian.” What a pitiful whisper I made.
“I know.”
“No, you don’t. You can’t possibly know because you didn’t feel it. I didn’t forget you. I didn’t replace you with someone else. I didn’t reject you time and time again. I didn’t fuck you and then throw you out.”
Each statement flew from my heart. Blood pumped angrily throughout my body. I knew there were a million other things I needed to say to him that were more important.
Namely how could Damian kill that man so easily? Who wanted him dead in France? Who did he call to clean up the apartment?
I cared about all of it, but I cared about something else a little bit more.
I now had the freedom to unleash a torrent of misery on Damian and I didn’t want to miss my opportunity. Hearing his heartbeat beneath my ear plagued me. I yearned to press closer even as I wanted to shove him away from me.
Damian clamped his arms around my waist and shoulders. He didn’t have to feel my struggles to know they were coming.
Would it always be like this? Raw from betrayal and bitter from the memories threatening to suffocate me? Wanting his comfort even as it lashed me?
Love and hate. Anger and grief.
Push.
Pull.
“Shh, Risa. I’m here.”
“Yeah, you are. Now. But what about—”
Damian didn’t let me finish. He cupped the back of my head and pressed my cheek closer to his muscled chest.
“I’m here always. Nothing will keep me away from you again, Risa. Not even death.”
My anger slipped out of gear.
“Don’t ever say that, Damian.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Not death. Never that.”
The long nights in Switzerland came crashing back. As well as the promises and prayers I offered while he laid so still and motionless, only the mechanical beeps proving the man I desperately loved still lived.
Afraid to breathe the words but unable to deny them any longer, I asked the question.
“Why did someone try to kill you that night? Why you?”
Damian’s body stilled. I tried to pull away, needing to see his face, but he didn’t let me move. I whispered his name and waited for an answer.
“The less you know the better.”
Unacceptable.
“I’m in this, Damian, whether you like it or not. I deserve to know the truth.”
“Risa, do you trust me?”
“No.”
Even though I answered lightening quick, my response wasn’t rooted in spite. It was my truth. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell to say it, especially when I heard Damian’s quick intake of breath.
“Thank you for being honest with me, Risa.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and bit my lip. His kindness killed me.
Damian nuzzled the top of my head before resting his chin. “Risa, knowing what you knew of me before my accident, do you trust I won’t let anything happen to you?”
If I had to count our life together all the way until France, then my answer would be the same. Wouldn’t it?
Bewitched by this man, I wanted him too much. Seeing Gretchen at his door, disheveled and broken, did something to me. I started the countdown to us because I didn’t trust Damian was as enamored of me as I was of him.
I didn’t trust he’d want me forever and he ended up proving me right.
Time lengthened. Damian kissed my crown again.
“Very well. I see how much I have to earn, Risa.”
“Damian—”
“Ssh, Risa. Let me finish. I understand I’m in no position to ask for you to trust me considering the events that have transpired, but I want you to know you mean everything to me. And I do mean everything, Risa. Nothing is more important than keeping you safe. Part of keeping you safe means limiting your knowledge of certain things. It’s called plausible deniability, understand?”
I understood more than I’d liked.
“It’s really this bad?”
He paused and then answered, “It’s nothing I can’t manage. But in order to manage this, I need to know you’ll follow my direction.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want that world to touch you.”
“It already has. Remember the body in my place?” I didn’t have to look up to know the displeasure on his refined features. “You can’t keep this a secret from me
forever.”
“I’m not keeping it a secret. I’m denying you the knowledge.”
Of course, Damian would see it as two different things.
“So you won’t tell me why I spent months waiting for you to wake up?”
“No, I won’t.”
Just when I extended myself the tiniest bit, just when I tried to trust him a little bit, Damian went and blew my good intentions all to hell.
“I think that’s bullshit, Damian.”
“Language, little girl.”
I somehow managed to shove away from him.
“No. We’ve been over this time and again. You don’t get to call me that. I’m not your little girl now and I never will be again.”
Damian stiffened. He leaned forward until we were nose-to-nose.
“That lie is absolutely unacceptable.”
14
DAMIAN
Risa was completely out of bounds.
My patience reached its end point. Her defiance of me had gone on long enough. I would not tolerate this one more fucking second.
I cupped her small chin and leaned forward to whisper in her ear. “You are my little girl and will continue to be that until the breath leaves my body for good.”
Risa turned her head. “Quit saying things like that!”
“Why? You think I’m not serious?”
Her dark eyes glistened with angry tears. “Because it’s not just a phrase! You almost died, Damian! I watched over your body. I saw it hooked up to machines. We could’ve lost you. Words do matter so don’t you dare be so cavalier over it!”
Risa moved me. If the circumstances were different I would’ve kissed her until the trembling in her body came from passion and not fear.
It didn’t matter how distant and wrecked she was. Risa still loved me madly. Just as I loved her. With that foundation, I could build an entire universe for us.
“I’m not being cavalier, sweet girl.” I nuzzled her hot cheek with my lips. “I’m simply stating an unalterable fact.”
Her breath quickened. Her voice came out in shaky drips. “Don’t say that either.”
“I will.”
“No! You don’t get to say that to me. Not after these last months.”
Goddammit.
She was right and yet, I had to fight it. I had to make her understand the weakling of the past wasn’t me. It was an aberration created from a broken mind. A useless stand-in of sorts.
Not me.
“Risa, you have the right of it in some ways. I did forget about you.” Her back bowed away from me. I felt the rejection and clenched my jaw even as I soldiered on. “But you never had anything to fear from Gretchen.”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I really don’t. What happened between you two is none of my business.”
“Why are you saying things you don’t mean?”
“I do mean it.”
“Ridiculous. I’m not going to argue this point with you, Risa. You obviously care and I refuse to allow you to carry incorrect assumptions about it.”
“Let go of me.”
Her struggles angered me. More so because I could see Risa building up her walls with each passing second.
“Not happening. You’re going to hear what I have to say and then we’re going to put this behind us.”
My command was brutal and insensitive. I had to be this way because the alternative didn’t bear thinking about.
I couldn’t lose Risa. Not to this. Not because of me.
First my mother. Not Risa too.
“I hate to break it to you, but you can’t control this situation, Damian. You can’t control and dictate how I should feel about anything. Especially over your relationship with Gretchen.”
“Nothing. Happened.”
As if a switch powered her down, Risa stopped fighting me. Her dark eyes searched mine, disbelief violently stamping her delicate features.
“You’re lying.”
“I don’t lie. I’m telling you the truth. Nothing happened between us.”
“That’s not true, Damian. I was there. You took her out almost every damned night. I arranged for the shopping sprees and the jewelry. You were fixtures at nearly every societal event. Don’t tell me nothing was going on.”
Risa was getting worked up, smashing through any initial goodwill I built up with my confession. Why couldn’t she just take my word? What reason would I have to lie?
The answer is succinct. You’ve created this division with how you behaved. Risa’s reaction is reasonable. Yours isn’t.
This situation was spinning out of control. Every word I uttered made it worse. How to turn the tide?
“That’s exactly what I’m saying to you. We didn’t so much as kiss much less anything else. I promise you.”
Instead of being relieved, my truth infuriated her. It was as if she had wanted me to be with Gretchen. Surely, I had to be mistaken. My truth should be making her happy.
“I don’t believe you, Damian.”
“Nothing happened between me and Gretchen.”
“Why are you lying to me?”
“I don’t lie, Risa. That much about me hasn’t changed.”
She needed my patience and so I gave it to her. Willingly and sincerely. But I despised the vehemence of her disbelief. Each word she threw out was another brick.
At this rate, the wall would reach the sky.
Scornful laughter preceded “You’re doing it now. I walked in on you kissing her.”
I’d actually forgotten. This wasn’t good. One lie, no matter how accidentally, would make her believe there were more. When it came to Gretchen I truly was innocent.
“Besides that one time. One, Risa.”
She nodded. “Ah, yes. One. Sure.”
I wasn’t in the habit of being questioned. Or being mocked. I didn’t care for it.
“Gretchen never supplanted you in my heart, thoughts, or desires. Before or after.”
“You always rubbed her in my face. You went out of your way to impress upon me just how important and irreplaceable Gretchen was to you. How I was nothing but a gold digging tramp who had the nerve to think she could seduce you away from your one true love. So don’t expect me to believe nothing happened between you two. There’s no point in trying to convince me.”
I understood now that this conversation, distasteful as it was, would serve to flush out Risa’s rightful resentment. If I could’ve gone back in time and stepped out of my body and into another’s, just once, I would’ve beat myself into unconsciousness.
I had to push forward. No matter how ugly this got.
“There’s every point.”
“No.”
“Yes! There’s every point because I lied to you at that time. I led you to believe I was with Gretchen, but it wasn’t true.”
A bittersweet smile slashed across her lips. “I thought you just said you don’t lie?”
“I don’t. But the person I was then, he lied.”
“Very convenient.”
“Actually, it’s not. It’s very inconvenient at this time to argue with you when I am telling you the truth.”
“You decree and I should be believe.”
“It would benefit us both.”
“Jesus, Damian. You’re unbelievable.” Risa pushed against my chest once. “There is no point to any of this because you’re just proving why we don’t work. I appreciate what you did in my apartment. Really, I do. I will go down with the ship for you on that. I’ll never betray you.”
“I know you won’t, Risa.”
“But that’s not going to change anything between us. We’re finished.”
An inferno tore through my self-control. I let it burn me just so it wouldn’t consume us both.
I would right this ship of ours come hell or high water.
“Don’t say things you don’t mean, little girl. You’re going to have to apologize enough as it is.” I brushed one finger
across her mutinous jaw. She was so soft…like silk…
This woman is mine. I know it. She was destined for me.
I noted her flushed cheeks and the lustful sparkle in her eyes. Risa was still my love even if she didn’t want to be. Especially when she didn’t want to be.
We were lucky to share this obsession.
“Damian, I’m not going to apologize to you again. Not in this lifetime.”
She wanted to fight? I’d give her the fight she needed and once she clawed, kicked, and bit me—then the healing would finally begin.
Pushing her to losing control was the only option I had left at this point.
A dark smile winged its way over my mouth.
“That’s one. Try for two. Go on, little girl. Try it.”
15
RISA
Lust and yearning pooled low in my belly.
I ached for Damian’s firm hand on my backside, for this luscious play between us. Already I imagined the pressure and safety of his thighs against my stomach and chest. If I struggled against him, Damian would pin my wrists at the small of my back. Or maybe he’d wind my hair into a leash.
No matter how much I cried and begged, this man would give me every drop of discipline he believed I earned. Then he’d love me through it before giving himself over to me…
Fuck me but I wanted it.
Especially now when I didn’t want to want Damian.
This man drove me up the fucking wall. I couldn’t seem to keep my thoughts clean. The lure of his lap tempted me to just lay down and let myself go into the beautiful blankness of pain and desire.
The ghost of his palm ran all along my ass and further down to my thighs…
Shaking, I drew in a deep breath and moved back. Damian’s hand tightened once again, leaving me trapped against him. He wouldn’t set me free or let me go.
I can’t deny I love it as much as I’ve hated it.
Hated it? Right.
I was disgusted by my lack of self-control even as I contemplated pushing Damian further just to hear the potential consequences. I reminded myself of tonight’s rejection and all the others. Then I replayed his denial of Gretchen. That lie infuriated me almost as much as it hurt me.
