by Anna Antonia
I knew he was lying. I just knew it.
He had to be. Otherwise, what was it all for?
Damian adored Gretchen. He pampered her in ways he never did for me. With me, Damian was satisfied staying in our respective apartments and ordering take out. With her, Damian presented Gretchen to his social circle. He eased her workday boredom with shopping trips.
Only the finest for Ms. Smith! I saw the fucking bills. I filed them for Damian. I typed in the code “P-GS” on hundreds of items, feeling the pain with every keystroke.
Fucking asshole. Sadistic bastard. Goddamned liar.
I gritted my teeth, enraged anew at all the memories coming down on me like an avalanche.
No, he loved Gretchen and given the choice between us he chose her. Every single time.
I would not forget that. No matter what.
“What don’t you understand yet? We can’t just pick up where we left off because you fucked it up! That’s one? Nope. That’s zero because I’m not playing your game. You will do nothing to me because I will not allow it.”
“I wouldn’t be so certain of that, my love.”
Incensed because of my twisted longings, I spat out, “I’m not your love!”
“You’ll always be my love.”
Where was this confidence coming from? Did the awakening of his previous memories wipe out the existence of those that passed between us? Or did it just not matter to him anymore? He didn’t want me earlier, but he wanted me now?
That wasn’t good enough for me.
Logically, I understood I shouldn’t hold it against him that in a world where I never existed Damian didn’t love me given the chance. Fine. But this wasn’t about logic.
This was about trust, love, and dignity.
Things may have reset for Damian but they didn’t for me. I still walked around with a hole in my heart from where he took a huge chunk out tonight, and every day starting with the first words he spoke to me.
“Who are you?”
I suffered the wound even now.
All of which made it impossible for me to forgive Damian’s trespasses romantically. Even though I wished I could just so that we could go back to where we left off.
“Why are you doing this, Damian?”
“I love you. I always have, from the start. I always will.”
It hurt so damned much because I wanted it to be true. The push and pull drove me insane. I lashed out.
“Why are you fighting me? If you remember everything then you know you had your last chance tonight. You made it quite clear I wasn’t the one you wanted.”
“Wrong. I always wanted you.”
My heartbeat sped up just a bit faster over that. Stupid heart. There was still a chance for me. I just had to take it.
“Look. I’ve made my decision to put you behind me—”
“Unmake it.”
“Just like that?”
“Exactly.”
The single-mindedness of this man made me want to throw my head back and scream. However, losing my temper would do nothing to get through to him. It would just give him a topic for misdirection.
And another chance to tempt me to take what he offered…
I counted to five, taking deep breaths and letting them out slowly. I had to be calm. Calm.
“Damian, you’re not getting it.”
“Wrong. I understand your reasoning perfectly. I simply don’t agree with it.”
“Of course, you don’t. It didn’t happen to you.”
Damian apparently didn’t appreciate my sarcasm. “Don’t push me, little girl.”
I did just that.
“What else do I have to lose? You? It already happened.”
His nostrils flared—the only outward sign of anger. “I do know what it’s like to be replaced, Risa. You did it to me tonight.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your date tonight with Steve.”
16
Guilt dripped, growing ever-wider, even as I actively tried to stomp it out. I had nothing to feel guilty for.
Nothing.
Not a goddamned thing.
Not in this lifetime or the next.
“I don’t…wait…how did you know?”
He shook his head slightly, eyes gone cold and mouth tipped upwards. “I don’t hear a denial.”
And just like that—my anger reignited.
“I don’t have to deny anything because we weren’t together. We haven’t been together since France.”
“Wrong.” Damian yanked me towards him. The mask dropped just long enough to show me the tormented man beneath. “There’s never been a moment when you haven’t dominated my thoughts—even when I couldn’t understand why. We’ve. Been. Together.”
The sincerity in his voice brought a lump to my throat. I’d love to take his words at face-value, to forget everything ugly that had passed already, but…but what?
I barely survived letting Damian go back in New York and once again tonight. What would happen to me if I had to go through it again? How would I take it, especially once I got my Damian back?
But I might not have to. This might be our new start.
I’d just have to take a chance. I could do that right now. But…
I’m not brave enough. I don’t trust him enough and I certainly don’t trust me at all.
“Together, Damian? Is that what we’ve been?”
“Yes.”
Damian’s forehead bumped mine. His breath, ragged beneath the civilized cadence, mixed with mine. His lovely lips, kissable, pouty and precious, tempted me to lick their outline, to taste that which seemed to belong to me.
If only I’d forgive all his trespasses.
Putting space between us, I trembled from the ache of absence. “Jesus! Have you lost your mind?”
I didn’t know if the question was for him or me.
“Yes. Now tell me again how I don’t understand being replaced, Risa. Go on. Do it.”
“It’s not even remotely the same thing. I went on one date. One! You practically lived with Gretchen.”
“No. I lived with you.”
“And then you threw me out.”
Damian’s beautiful mouth compressed into an unwavering line. “That has nothing to do with us now.”
The arrogance of this man! The bullheadedness, the fucking blind spot when it came to what he did! Why was he even trying to justify this?
“Once again your reasoning is very convenient.”
“It’s not convenience. It’s fact.”
“False. You don’t get to dictate what is pertinent and what isn’t.”
His expression didn’t change a bit. Not one fucking bit. Did he just not take me serious? Did he really believe that being his little girl meant I wasn’t his equal?
You’ve never tried to be his equal. Are you seriously going to start now?
The sneering thought pricked me like a thorn. Mental pain made me turn it outwards.
“I don’t even know why I’m wasting my time arguing with you. Like I said before—there is no us.”
Fear that I couldn’t be his equal even if I tried corkscrewed into my brain.
Equal. You could change all this if he saw you as on his level. It’s so simple.
“There will always be us, Risa.” Damian pressed my hand over his heart. I felt the steady, reassuring thumps against my palm. “You’re angry with me because I didn’t value you as you deserved. I can accept that anger because it’s justified. However, that doesn’t mean I’ll let you push me away. Not again.”
He didn’t have to bring up that final weekend in France, but I heard it all the same.
Push. Pull. Lost. Found. Sane. Insane.
“You’re not going to turn this around on me. I more than made up for walking out on you, Damian. For running away. I stayed by your side like a goddamned dog day in and day out! I was there for you—no matter what.”
“Then you should have no problem doing it again.”
To just let it go and be his good girl again.
Frustration made my voice sharp. “How can you be this bloodless, Damian?”
“Because I have to be.”
“Haven’t you heard a thing I said?”
“I’ve heard every single word you’ve said.”
His calmness infuriated me. We were just going in circles and I didn’t know how to stop.
And like the broken record I’d become, I said the same things over and over again, unable to stop myself from replaying the gouged groove of my agony.
“Apparently, you haven’t. You rejected me, Damian. I was there for you every damned day, waiting for you to remember me, to come back to me, and all you did was push me the hell away. How can you think I’ll ever forget that? How do you think I can ever trust you again?”
I expected him to dismiss my raving, to have a pat answer. Instead, Damian closed his eyes. Suddenly, he looked haggard. Human like the rest of us suffering with disappointment and helplessness.
“I don’t have the answers for you, Risa. Not any you would like or understand.”
I wanted to cry.
I told him I wasn’t playing his game, but I found myself rolling the dice and losing.
I needed Damian to fight for me.
I needed Damian to swear I was his, a million times over if he had to. No matter how hard I pushed him away, I needed Damian to keep coming back.
I needed Damian to prove he would do for me what I did for him faithfully during all those months.
But now I was afraid.
Damian was always confident and sure of himself and me. I never realized how much I counted on it until now at this very moment. I needed the push back. I needed to trust in him, in his confidence.
If he couldn’t make this okay then who could?
My teeth chattered. Damian’s eyes narrowed.
“What’s wrong, Risa?”
“N-Nothing. I’m just cold. Tired.”
Concern took over. Damian’s hold loosened just to rearrange me against him. “It’s time for bed.”
I shook my head. “I can’t possibly sleep now. Not after everything tonight.”
“Risa, I’m putting you to bed.”
Damian lifted me up and easily got me under the covers. Part of me was glad he didn’t try to remove my clothing, but the other part wished he had. Just to see how hard I’d fight back.
Just to see how hard I submitted.
I’d love to lose myself in his arms. Sex. Hard sex. Rough sex. Dirty sex. Any combination of it to keep the fear and insecurity away.
I didn’t want to be afraid again and here I am. Right back in it.
I closed my eyes. Damian didn’t need to see the weakness inside me. He didn’t have that right anymore and I wasn’t ready to grant him access just yet.
So why did it feel like I was betraying him by not letting him in?
If pleasing him means betraying yourself then it’s not worth it. Not anymore.
They were strong words. True.
Yet, they brought me pain because I didn’t want this wall between us. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to neatly cleave both Damians and hold this one faultless for the other’s sins.
I wanted to, but I couldn’t.
Argh! God, I’m just pissing myself off! Pick a lane, make up your mind—anything is better than all this goddamned angst!
Damian dimmed the lights. I half-expected him to leave the room. Stubbornly, I bit down on my lip to keep from instinctually calling him back. I couldn’t very well expect him to pamper me if I wouldn’t play by the rules.
Instead, Damian surprised me by removing his coat and jacket. He then got on the bed, over the covers, and slipped his arms around me.
I gave token resistance, but he simply told me, “Peace, Risa. You can fight me tomorrow. Let me love you tonight…please.”
I couldn’t deny him, not when he asked me. Not when he said “please” so softly.
I never could.
Closing my eyes, I settled into Damian’s warmth. All of this was so damned painfully familiar. I should’ve been able to slide into sleep knowing I was safe in his arms.
But I wasn’t safe, was I?
Not really anyways. Not when nothing was settled. Not when I could lose him and myself.
Equal. You can make this work if you’re his equal. If you can show him that he doesn’t just have to take care of you. That you can take care of him too.
My chattering teeth eased. A stray shiver clipped through me until even that ceased. Damian’s warmth became mine. As did hope.
“Rest, little girl. You’ve had a long, hard night.”
“So have you.”
“Not really.” A beat passed and then “Except when my love has been fighting me instead of letting me take care of her.”
How those words would’ve thrilled my heart just a few hours ago.
Don’t lie. They thrill you now.
I brushed the back of my fingers against his stubble. Once Damian would’ve never allowed himself to be seen less than immaculate. Was he becoming human or was it always just a mask to hide behind?
“Your night has been harder. You saved my life.”
“I’ll do it again a million times over if it means protecting you and keeping you safe.”
His ruthlessness didn’t surprise me. It was the Damian I used to know.
Nothing was resolved. I still hurt but I could offer a truce. At least until tomorrow.
“I already said it, but I’ll say it again. Thank you so much for being there, Damian. For doing what you did.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Risa. I appreciate your words nonetheless.” His tone dropped into a tease. “You can still be sweet to me even though you’re so angry. I’m touched.”
“Just because I’m infuriated with you doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate what you’ve done tonight.” I cleared my throat, feeling awkward. “I know it might look that way considering our topic of conversation. But I didn’t forget. Just so you know.”
Damian turned his head and kissed my palm. “Apology noted.”
“I’m not apologizing!” I yanked my arm down, glaring at my open hand as if it was all to blame.
“Peace, Risa. Peace.” Damian patted me on the back before rubbing my shoulders. “I’m just having a bit of fun with you. Forgive me?”
Closing my eyes, I let myself get closer. The heat from his skin reassured me he was alive and here. “There’s nothing to forgive.”
Damian made a soft sound of assent. He kept rubbing my shoulders, reaching up to scratch my head. “You’re such a sweet girl, Risa, for saying that. Thank you.”
How I love you so.
Tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed. Anger wasn’t an excuse to keep quiet. I knew firsthand how often I regretted not saying all I could when I still had the chance.
“I love you, Damian. Always. Even if—”
“Shh.” He exhaled, bringing me yet even closer to him until there was no space between us. “I love you too, my love. Always and forever.”
We held each other, legs entangled and arms locking us tight. I quickly grew drowsy. Several minutes passed and then I asked softly, “Who are those people you called to come to my apartment? The ones taking care of the body?”
Damian shushed me again. “Not tonight. Tonight you need to rest.”
I inhaled deeply and smelled the delicious familiarity of his cologne. Not much changed because he still refused to give an inch.
“Then when will you tell me?”
“Sleep, Risa.”
“Tomorrow.”
“Shh.”
I rightfully suspected he didn’t want to tell me at all.
Tomorrow would be soon enough to resume my battle. But for now I’d take what Damian freely offered me. It wasn’t the w
ay I wanted it, but I couldn’t deny the comfort I felt from hearing his heartbeat beneath my ear.
Time passed. Maybe an hour. Maybe more.
He called my name, but I remained mute. Eyes closed like that of a doll’s. Pretending I wasn’t here when I was so very conscious of him and how much I wanted these moments to stay.
Damian’s lips caressed my temple. He whispered softly, “I don’t have the answers you want, my love. I just need you to be with me. Do that and I can fix whatever needs to be fixed. I swear this to you, Risa.”
Breathing evenly, I kept my ruse of sleeping. I just hoped Damian wouldn’t turn to see the tears sliding out from beneath my lids.
Risa and Damian both become consumed with protecting the other, never imagining the price to be paid for such protection…
17
“Where are we going?”
Damian’s hands tightened on the wheel. His mouth flattened. Silence time. It wasn’t going to work.
“You have to tell me. How else am I going to plot an escape if I don’t know the starting point?”
He whipped his head towards me. “That is not funny.”
“Oh, I think it is. Hilarious even.”
Damian turned back to the road with a scowl.
I shrugged and looked out the window. The morning had been strange.
Strange, huh? As opposed to the normality of the last months?
Perhaps “strange” wasn’t the correct word, but it was the best one I had to describe the day so far.
Before we landed, Damian gently shook my shoulder. “Risa?”
Wakefulness hit me. The night before hadn’t been a dream. Damian, the man in my apartment…no. Those memories needed to be buried.
Just focus on the now.
Peering at him, I saw clothes and a cap in his hand. “Here. Put these on.”
Climbing out of the bed, I took the bundle and waited for him to leave the tiny room. Our gazes locked in an obvious battle of wills. Damian finally conceded by turning around and giving me his back.
It wasn’t much, but I won the first skirmish.
Putting on the clothes quickly, I noted the dark pants were baggy as well as the lightweight blue sweater and matching jacket. The cap blended with my dark hair.
Damian turned around just as I settled it over my head. He reached me in one step and stuffed my long hair underneath.
