by Anna Antonia
“Was there something wrong with my clothes?”
“Other than the fact you were wearing them? No.”
I coughed. A whole night in his arms and sleeping with my legs entwined with his did nothing to alleviate my growing need for the one man I refused to let myself have.
Damian smirked.
Brilliant bastard. How is it that he always knows the things I don’t want him to?
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look this casual,” I pointed out while he fiddled with my collar.
“I can do casual. I just don’t care for it.”
Damian may not have cared for it but he looked pretty damned fine. A gray fisherman sweater stretched over his wide shoulders and dark jeans encased his long legs. Heavy black boots covered his feet, a far cry from his custom-made Italian leather shoes.
“How come you get to wear clothes that fit you, but I have to wear some three sizes too large?”
“We’re trying to avoid detection.”
“And baggy clothes help that?”
“Covering up your curvaceous body does. Otherwise, you stand out too much.”
Ridiculously pleased by his compliment, I looked behind me. “Nope. Even baggy my pants still can’t hide my ass.”
Damian’s hands settled low on my hips. “Nothing can hide that luscious ass, Risa. Good thing you’ll be sitting down most of the time.”
We smiled together, the tension melting away for a few seconds. Everything changed, but these moments proved how at ease we could be with each other. I almost forgot how the last months unraveled the way they did.
Almost.
Our smiles faded. He knew my thoughts.
Somber, Damian escorted me to the main cabin of the plane. When I would’ve passed on breakfast, he overruled me and had the attendant bring a croissant as well as fruit and juice.
Damian made sure I ate every bit, frowning every time I pushed my plate away.
“I know you didn’t eat anything past those damned doughnuts, Risa. You need to get something heavier in your stomach.”
Which reminded me about Steve and Damian’s ridiculous attempt to compare his situation with mine. As if they were even in the same class! I could’ve let it go, but no.
No way.
“How did you know I had doughnuts? Better yet, how did you know I went out with Steve last night? Did you have me followed?”
Damian speared a piece of melon and tersely said, “Open up.”
Which meant yes. After I chewed and swallowed the sweet cube, I said, “Your need to control is out of control. You have to know that, Damian, so you can rein it in.”
“Don’t complain. You wouldn’t have me any other way.”
“I’m not having you at all.”
“Oh, my little love. How very wrong you are.”
Damian’s lack of confidence the night before seemed to be an aberration.
I could’ve pushed the point further, but it would’ve been a waste of time. He wasn’t going to budge and worse—he was right. I wouldn’t have him any other way. Which meant I had to look at my options clearly.
Submit or what?
Equal.
I loved being his little girl. I loved it without shame. I loved how I dominated his attention. His focus thrilled me. In civilized circumstances, I’d have no problem being Risa Kelly on the outside and Damian’s little girl on the inside.
But we left civilized back in Denver.
Damian didn’t need a little girl. He needed a partner. He needed me.
With that thought in mind, I finished eating my breakfast. Damian’s speculative stare touched me, but I merely nodded my head.
He frowned for a tiny moment and I smothered a smile. We were going to have to get used to the new me, but I was confident that my decision was the right one.
And once Damian accepts the new me then we can let off the brakes. I can be as submissive as we both desire.
We landed somewhere shortly afterwards. I expected to disembark quickly, but Damian stayed me with one hand. He talked to someone on his cell. It sounded Danish but I wasn’t entirely sure.
I didn’t bother to ask him why we sat on the tarmac or why the attendants left wearing our clothes. My new job required me to observe, fill in the gaps, and then ask questions once we were safely away.
We continued to sit as the plane rolled into the hangar and we sat even longer in the darkness until Damian finally got up. He extended a hand to me and we exited the plane before getting into a small, non-descript sedan.
And now here we were. Driving someplace unknown. At least to me.
Now that it was just us, I didn’t want to make friends with the silence and uncertainty. The idea of being Damian’s equal demanded better of me.
“We’re hiding from the same people who sent that man into my apartment. For how long?”
“Risa…”
“Look, it’s a known fact. There’s no point in keeping the answer to yourself.” When he didn’t shoot me down, I gloried in the small triumph it represented. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as I expected. “For how long?”
“As long as it takes to wipe them from the face of the earth.”
I should’ve reconsidered my stance on silence. I appreciated Damian’s confidence, maybe even his ruthlessness, but I didn’t want any of this to turn tragic.
Damian had money and resources. He needed to leverage them.
“Those people are dangerous. I don’t want you confronting anyone.”
His mouth cocked up in bland smile.
“What if they succeed in killing you?” I winced. My voice wasn’t supposed to be that shrill. Nor was my verbal gun meant to be that big.
Damian spared me a quick but thorough look. “They won’t.”
“But how can you be so sure?”
“Because this time I know they’re coming.”
“A small army would also be helpful.”
“What makes you think I don’t have one?”
All right. Maybe Damian had given this some thought.
Who was I kidding? Of course, Damian had given this thought. He probably analyzed the situation from a hundred different angles and decided on the best course of action.
I just prayed it didn’t result in getting him killed in the process. Damian wasn’t a god. Mistakes could happen.
Just the thought of something going wrong made me queasy. Taking in measured breaths, I wrapped my arms around my stomach. “I don’t want you to die, Damian.”
“I thought you didn’t want to be with me.”
“I never said I didn’t want to be with you! I said I won’t be with you. There’s a difference.”
“It’s the same thing.”
“It’s not even close.”
“Explain.”
“You know the difference, Damian. Don’t be difficult.”
“You won’t answer because I’m right.”
“No!” I denied sharply. “I meant what I said last night. I. Love. You. I’ve never stopped loving you. I love you still even when you’re the biggest fucking jerk on the planet.”
“Language, Risa.”
How was it my potty mouth mattered more than the real permanent problems of death? His priorities and focus were so skewed. Really.
No wonder Damian needed me. How else was he going to learn?
Don’t come at him from a position of weakness. Chip away at the way we’ve been. He’s gotta get used to seeing you differently. You can’t be as passive as you’ve been.
Shifting in my seat towards him, I sarcastically trilled, “I love you even when you think to boss me around and control what I say and how I say it. My poor delusional baby.”
Damian deigned to give me a charming smile. “You’re admitting your love for me often. Progress.”
“No. Not progress. My love for you isn’t the problem. It’s the love I have for myself that is problematic.”
His smile dropped. The temperature seemed to drop as well. “What
do you mean?”
18
This really wasn’t the time or the place to get into this but if not now when?
“What I mean is that I’ve loved you more than I loved me. I let you kick me around, abuse me, neglect me, humiliate me…”
Confidence shaken, my voice broke off. I pressed my lips together tightly and swallowed down the cries trying to break free. The needle of my thoughts dug deeper into the groove. Would I stay a broken record forever?
I have a right to my pain. I have a right to voice it now, especially when I couldn’t back then. I don’t have to swallow anything anymore.
Damian took his hand off the gear shift. His fingers squeezed mine. “I can’t explain my actions, Risa, because I still don’t understand them. They were done by a man I can’t begin to identify with, but I can tell you this. Aberration or not, the Damian I was then and the one I’ve been always has loved you and only you. I would never lie to you about that, Risa. Never.”
Sniffling, I warbled, “You had a shitty way of showing it.”
“I know. I just…” Damian blew out a frustrated breath. “He…I believed I was still with Gretchen and I didn’t want to betray you both. I didn’t want to make you my lover when I was still with her.”
“And you didn’t want to leave her for me.”
“No.”
Damn. I knew it but that hit harder than I expected. Damian was nothing but honest, even if he was telling me he was a liar in New York.
I struggled to keep my tone neutral. It came out flat instead. “Because you saw me as the other woman.”
“No, because I didn’t want you to be the other woman. I didn’t want our relationship to be poisoned because it began in deceit. You’re not the kind of woman that can have an affair and not have it eat away at her. That much I do know.”
“And you can?”
Damian looked away from the road and stared into my eyes. “Clearly not.”
Did I admire him for his integrity or was I angry because he wouldn’t break it for me? Damian wanted me to have no walls concerning him, but he didn’t have a problem erecting one between us.
“So you pushed me away, insulted me time and time again instead.”
“You know the story of the school boy tormenting his crush.”
My mouth curled into a humorless smile. “Yes, I do. Except you’re no boy.”
He directed his attention back to the road but kept my hand over the gear shift and his over mine. I loved the warmth seeping into me. What if I just accepted this and let it go?
An equal wouldn’t stay stuck in the past. She would focus on the present and future. No one could change the past. Not even God himself.
“It’s always been you, Risa.”
Temptation to be my better self dissolved as reality came back to sour me once more.
“In the end, you did make a choice and it wasn’t me.”
Damian didn’t argue. The point slid into me like a stiletto. I gasped for air while looking outside. The scenery sped by in a blur of green, blue, and gray.
I’d already gone over this a thousand times. I knew I should put the injured Damian in a box. He wasn’t the same man who held my hand. He wasn’t to be blamed for labeling me as the snake in his precious garden. He couldn’t have controlled his actions any more than he could control remembering me or not.
But I couldn’t do that just yet.
Every time I looked at Damian, every time I heard his voice or felt his touch, I’d remember how much he didn’t want me. How much he hurt and rejected me. How much he protected and cared for Gretchen.
Tragic circumstances had us in this car together. Otherwise, I’d be in Denver and he’d be in New York…
“Why’d you come to Denver anyways?”
“For you.”
My silly heart thumped for joy. I kept my tone smooth. “Why?”
“To get you back but then I saw you with Steve and then…”
“And then what?” I prompted after a heavy minute of silence.
What did he see and for how long? Did Damian see Steve make his move to kiss me? Did he interpret hesitation on my part? Had I ruined us and was that really why he rejected me?
Perspiration dotted my temples. I wouldn’t be able to take that. If I fucked up the chance of getting back together with Damian because I just hadn’t held on long enough…
“And then you showed up.”
I showed up at his hotel and it went to hell.
Which did nothing to answer my question. Damian remembered everything so he would remember why he treated me so coldly. I wouldn’t be satisfied until I knew.
“What changed your mind? My date with Steve?”
Damian glanced at me sharply. “Why did you even go out with him? You had no interest in him before then.”
“How do you know that?”
“I have my intel.”
My eyes widened in disbelief. “You had me watched even at work?”
“Yes.”
Just that one word. No sound of remorse, regret, or embarrassment. Perhaps he was incapable of feeling those emotions…
“Who?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact it does.”
Damian stared at the road for so long that I believed he wasn’t going to answer me. “Tracy Lewis.”
Mouth dropping open in amazement, I thought about Tracy. She started less than a week after I did. In what else? IT. Just like Damian did at my company back in Austin.
I would’ve never suspected Tracy. We barely spoke other than friendly nods in the hall or break room. She never asked me personal questions and I rarely saw her.
How did she know?
The answer came to me immediately.
“The cameras. She watched us through the cameras.”
“It was one of her tools.”
“You know that was completely illegal, right?”
“Of course.”
“So why did you do it? You’re a stickler for the rules and completely above board.”
“I am—in usual circumstances. You are not a usual circumstance.”
“I’m so unusual you sent me away.”
Dammit! You’re wasting time on this bullshit. If you’re going to be in Damian’s life then do it as his equal. Not his fucking burden. Which means quit harping. Forgive him or not. Just stop this.
“I didn’t. The person who had control of my body did it. You should know by now I wouldn’t have done it in a million years.”
Roiling under my indecision, I studied Damian’s profile. It continued to be disconcerting how he managed to distinguish himself as two different people, even though I did it too.
But he really wasn’t, was he? Damian couldn’t truly be split down the middle like that. No sane person could be, right?
So what was that going to mean for me?
“What is it, Risa?”
I startled.
“Your wheels are turning and that’s rarely good for me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
It didn’t occur to me to lie or misdirect.
“It doesn’t seem healthy to split yourself in two like that.”
“You’d be surprised at how much practice I’ve had.”
19
DAMIAN
I didn’t have to turn my head to see the bright curiosity in Risa’s dark eyes.
Although it was somewhat of a relief from her venom, I hoped she wouldn’t ask the question. I wouldn’t directly lie to her, but I had no intention of truly answering Risa.
If I had my way, I wouldn’t answer any questions regarding my past and the Konstantinovs.
Even after everything that happened from France until last night, I still didn’t want that side of my life to touch hers. Risa didn’t belong in the criminal underworld. She was a good girl from a good family. She didn’t have the emotional fortitude to handle being tied to a life like that.
Moreover, I didn’t want her to know I had anything to do
with the Russian mafia.
Even though my tie was through blood versus actual deed.
Even though if given half a chance I would’ve been thoroughly good at being a criminal. And slept like a baby too.
I never probed why I couldn’t feel emotion as others did. Or the conscience that typically came along with it.
Perhaps it was blood. Or the way I was raised.
Thomas had been an attentive guardian in teaching me the innumerous ways of finding information and plying it to make healthy profits, but it was Elaine who had truly shaped me to become this perfect shell. One of her favorite maxims rose up.
The female is the deadlier of our species. Death befalls the man who doesn’t take care.
Unsurprisingly, my mind locked Elaine—and the accompanying memories—in a room. They served their purpose but no longer.
I was this kind of man and nothing good would come out of trying to develop a typical conscience now.
Besides, it was the attempt of my broken mind that was to blame for these troubles. I didn’t know how to behave like a normal man. At least not when it really counted.
Lesson fucking learned.
“This thing you’re doing—it isn’t good for you, Damian.”
I appreciated Risa’s lack of prying. It was yet one of a thousand ways we fit so well together. I may not have understood my reasoning and actions during the last months, but just like Risa, I didn’t forget a thing.
I remembered how devoted she’d been to me, even if I didn’t understand it at the time. She’d put me first in so many ways, big and small. Risa had been my faithful shadow, there when I didn’t want her and there when I did.
And even though I’d done nothing but push her away, I still grew to depend on her presence. I ached for it daily. I fully didn’t understand then, but I certainly understood it now.
Risa was the only person capable of giving me a taste of something I never craved before.
Simplicity.
Normalcy.
Love.
Despite the path I resolutely walked, I appreciated that too-short month we spent together in Austin. It was a dream we couldn’t ever go back to, but the feelings we developed for each other were here in this car.
