To Love and to Cherish

by Leigh Greenwood

  “No decent woman is going to want to marry me when she finds out I turned my back on my own child.” Jared shook his head in frustration. “That’s not what I meant to say. I couldn’t respect myself enough to ask a decent woman to marry me.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that. I’m going to leave Cactus Corner before anybody else knows about the baby.”

  “You can’t do that.”

  “I can and I will. I will sell my house and invest all my money in the new bank. Norman will be forced to give me a decent income or risk losing his customers. I will have more than enough money to support the baby and me. Besides, I think I would like to work. I quite enjoyed feeling useful.”

  Jared advanced several arguments as to why she should marry him and why she would regret leaving Cactus Creek. The more he tried to persuade her, the harder it was to stick to her resolve, but he never did the one thing that would have caused her to change her mind. He never said he loved her with the passion and genuineness of a man so deeply in love that he couldn’t imagine not marrying her. The more he tried to persuade her, the more she was certain her heart would break. Finally, she could stand it no longer.

  “There’s no point in saying anything more. I’m not going to change my mind. I won’t be coming to the ranch anymore, so you might as well take Steve home with you tonight. He won’t want to go, but I trust you’ll find a way to persuade him. I don’t want him to know what I’m going to do until it’s done.”

  Jared tried to continue his argument, but she told him she wanted him to leave. “I’m tired and want to rest. I have a lot to do in the coming days.”

  She thought he was going to refuse to leave, but he said, “I’ll be back. I’m not giving up. I know I’ve done this all wrong, but that child will be my son or daughter. I want to be part of its life.”

  Laurie thought of the agony Colby had gone through knowing he had a child he’d never seen. For a moment she almost weakened, but she steeled her nerves. She was doing this for Jared as well as the baby. Someday he would have a wife and more children. She didn’t want her mistake to be a dark cloud hanging over his future. When she didn’t respond, he left the house.

  Laurie slumped back in her chair. Her coffee was cold, but she didn’t care. She’d get up and throw it out in a while, but right now she didn’t feel like she had the strength to move. Keeping to her resolve had drained her energy. She would just sit and let the reality of her future sink in. It wasn’t a terrible future. It just wasn’t the one she wanted.

  Laurie didn’t know how long she’d sat quietly, but no more than five minutes could have gone by before she heard someone knocking at the front door. She didn’t want to see anyone, but she was afraid it might be Steve. She didn’t know what she could say to him, but she couldn’t refuse to let him in. She wasn’t prepared to find Loomis on her porch.

  “May I come in?”

  Sixteen

  Ordinarily she would have been reluctant to let anyone in this late in the evening, but she could tell Loomis was suffering under a great emotional burden. She hadn’t the heart to turn him away. “Come on in, but you can’t stay long. It’s getting late.”

  Loomis followed her into the sitting room.

  “I would offer you some coffee, but it would be wasteful to brew a whole pot.” She was sorry Loomis was upset, but she didn’t want to encourage him to stay.

  “I don’t want any coffee,” Loomis said. “Jared came to see you.” When she didn’t answer, he went on. “I saw him leave.”

  Laurie stiffened. She liked Loomis, but wasn’t comfortable knowing he was watching who came and went in her house. Nor could she figure out why he would care. “I don’t understand why that should be any concern of yours.” Loomis looked so upset she was worried he’d either start sobbing or fall into some sort of fit. “Are you feeling okay?”

  “No!” The word exploded from him. “I’m so angry I can hardly think.”

  She’d never seen Loomis like this. He had always been calm and rational. “What’s wrong? Can I help?” She had no idea how his anger could concern her or what she could do to help him.

  “I know why Jared came,” Loomis said. “I overheard the doctor talking to him.”

  Laurie could feel the heat flame in her face. She was so shocked she didn’t know whether to stand her ground or run from the room. Her father was right. Make a serious mistake, and everyone would find out about it.

  “I think what he did was truly horrible,” Loomis said. “I tried to knock him down, but Jared is bigger and stronger. I just made a fool of myself.”

  “I’m sure you didn’t. It was very brave of you.” Laurie had to pull herself together. She was mortified Loomis knew about her situation, but she was more upset to learn she was the cause of Jared and Loomis getting into a fight.

  “Did Jared ask you to marry him?” Loomis asked.

  The question made her even more uncomfortable, but since he already knew about the baby, there was no point in refusing to answer. “Yes, he did, but I refused.”

  His emotions were so out of control she couldn’t tell if he was upset or relieved.

  “Will you marry me? I don’t have a ranch and I don’t have much money, but I’ll do my best to make you a good husband and the baby a good father.”

  Laurie was glad she was sitting down. The whole situation was turning into a fiasco. “It’s very sweet of you to offer, Loomis, but I can’t marry you.”

  “Why? I’m not as big or handsome as Jared, but—”

  “It has nothing to do with that,” Laurie assured him. “If I loved you and you loved me, it would be different. But we don’t. That’s the same reason I won’t marry Jared.”

  “You don’t love him?”

  “He doesn’t love me.”

  For the first time this evening, Loomis seemed to regain some control over his emotions. “Did he tell you that?”

  “No, but when I asked him if he loved me, he hesitated. He had the look of a man who was about to be cornered.”

  Loomis thought for a moment. “I think maybe he loves you. In fact, I’m sure he does, but that doesn’t mean I think you ought to marry him.”

  Laurie was disgusted at the fountain of hope that gushed forth within her. Was she so desperate to be loved that she’d latch on to a maybe? What happened to her resolve to be an independent woman, to never marry again? Why should hope resurrect itself based on Loomis’s opinion? He couldn’t know what Jared felt for her any more than she could. She doubted Jared knew what he felt. “He’s been seeing Martha Simpson. What clearer evidence could you want that he doesn’t love me?”

  “That doesn’t mean anything. Norman said he wouldn’t give Jared a loan unless he was married or his engagement had been announced in the paper. He made it clear that person couldn’t be you. But you had told us you’d never marry again so Jared started looking around for someone else. He likes Miss Simpson, but he doesn’t love her. He wouldn’t have had supper with her if it hadn’t been for the rest of us.”

  “What do you mean? What does Martha Simpson have to do with you?”

  “Jared is a natural leader, but he’s not as strong on financial planning. It wasn’t until after he’d accepted your offer of a partnership that he realized there wouldn’t be much money left over. He doesn’t care about himself, but he promised us if we would help him get his ranch established, he would give us enough money to go out on our own. Odell is the only one who likes cows. The rest of us can’t stand them. Jared’s even more worried about Steve. Everything the boy has is invested in that ranch.”

  Laurie tried to gather her thoughts. “Are you trying to tell me Jared wouldn’t be trying to get a loan from Norman if he weren’t worried that giving me half of the ranch’s income wouldn’t leave enough for Steve and the men?” She had suspected something like this, but this was the first time she knew for certain.

  “Yes. He has to have Herefords to make a significant profit, but he can’t buy them without your mone
y or Norman’s. If he uses your money, there’s not enough left for the rest of us.”

  Stupid man! Why hadn’t he explained all of this before? If he loved her enough to marry her, she’d give him the money. She’d only wanted it as a means to gain her independence and freedom from Norman’s stinginess. If she married Jared, she wouldn’t have to worry about Norman ever again.

  She needed Loomis to leave. She had a lot of thinking to do. She didn’t know if it would change everything, but it certainly did some things. “Thank you for telling me all this,” she said to Loomis. “I appreciate your offer, but I can’t accept it. Now you’d better head back to the ranch before it gets too late.”

  “I’m not going back. I quit.”

  She hadn’t expected that. Jared and Loomis had been friends for years. “Why?”

  “I couldn’t stay after the way Jared treated you.”

  More embarrassment. Would the consequences of her need to feel desirable never end? “You can’t blame Jared for what happened. He didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to do. I’m sorry if that destroys your image of me, but I’m far from a perfect woman.”

  “You did it because you loved him. He did it because…”

  Loomis appeared reluctant to ascribe Jared’s motives to pure lust. She couldn’t—or wouldn’t—either. She said, “The only person who knows the answer to that question is Jared.”

  Had she loved Jared so much even then that Loomis and the others could tell? She’d been strongly attracted to him from the beginning, but could she have fallen in love so quickly without realizing it? Couldn’t you feel desire without love, or did both have to come together? Maybe attraction and desire were early stages of love that could be mistaken for something less because they came so quickly.

  Yet why hadn’t she been able to tell when they turned to love? They were her feelings. She should have known before anyone else. Was it because she was too busy concentrating on trying to get beyond Norman’s control, too busy insisting she would never marry again because she was determined to be independent of any man’s control? She would probably never know the answer. All that really mattered was that she loved Jared now. But did he love her?

  “I hate to think I’ve caused a rupture between you and Jared. I wish you’d return to the ranch. He depends on you.”

  “Well he can stop depending on me. I never meant to stay.”

  She hoped Loomis would change his mind when he calmed down. “What will you do?”

  “I don’t know yet, but I’ll figure out something. Now I’d better go. I don’t want my hanging around to give you a bad name.”

  He couldn’t do any worse than she’d already done. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

  Loomis favored her with a long look. “You know, I think you can.”

  ***

  Laurie was about ready to climb into bed when she heard another knock at the front door. She was tempted not to answer it—she’d already had more than enough interruptions to her evening, and more than enough things to think about—but she was afraid not to. In such a close-knit community, it could mean someone needed her help. When she found Norman on her porch, she was tempted to close the door in his face.

  “What do you want? Do you realize how late it is?”

  “I have to talk to you.”

  For a moment, she had a terrible fear he knew about the baby, but she realized he couldn’t have found out already. No one who knew would have told him under anything less than torture. “Come back in the morning.” She started to close the door, but Norman put his foot in it.

  “It can’t wait.”

  Realizing that the only way to get rid of Norman was to let him say what he’d come to say, she opened the door and stepped back. “You’ve got ten minutes. After that, I’m going to bed.”

  “It’s about this new bank.”

  “I knew it would be,” Laurie said as she settled into a chair. “What do you expect me to do about it?”

  “You’ve got to make them stop.”

  “If that’s what you want, you’ve got to talk to Dr. Kessling. I have nothing to do with it.”

  “They’re doing it because of you.”

  “No, they’re doing it because of you. You’ve used your money to tyrannize this community as long as I can remember.”

  Norman looked insulted, the way he always looked whenever people disagreed with anything he’d done. “I lent money on easy terms to anybody who asked for it when we settled here. Everyone would still be living in tents if it weren’t for me.”

  “Everyone is thankful for what you did. As important as that was, it’s the only instance of thoughtfulness to stand against your attitude of superiority and rudeness. Has it ever occurred to you that other people have feelings, too?”

  Norman acted like he hadn’t heard a word she said. “I built the memorial to Toby.” He had commissioned a large vine-covered arbor in the center of town with a water fountain and trees that would one day offer precious shade during the heat of summer.

  “It took you nearly a year.”

  “I couldn’t find the materials I wanted. I knew everybody wanted it to be special.”

  “Is that why Colby had to tell you if it wasn’t finished within a month, he’d build it for you and use it as a headstone for your grave?” Norman was naive if he thought there were any secrets in Cactus Corner.

  “I’ll change.” He said the words like each one tasted foul.

  “No, you won’t. You’re still refusing to give me a reasonable allowance and using Noah’s will as an excuse. You’re refusing to give Jared the loan he needs because you don’t want me working for him.”

  Now he was back on firmer ground. “It’s not suitable for my sister-in-law to work as a cook and housekeeper.”

  “I’m no longer your sister-in-law, and I have to work because you won’t give me my own money.”

  “I’ll double your allowance. No, I’ll triple it.” She could only guess how much it cost him to say that. Norman never backed down from a position once he had taken it.

  “And cut it back once you get what you want? No, Norman. It’s time someone put a stop to your cruelty. Rather than try to stop the new bank, I’ll do what I can to encourage people to use it. And in case you didn’t know, Colby’s parents left him more than enough money to open the bank.”

  “That’s impossible. They haven’t spoken in years.”

  “Talk to Colby if you don’t believe me, but starting tomorrow you’d better try being a lot nicer. If not, people are going to borrow money from the new bank to pay off your loans. That will leave you a very rich man but without customers or friends.” Laurie got to her feet. “Now I’m going to bed. You have to go.”

  Norman stood, his features twisted by anger and frustration. Maybe even fear. “You hate me, don’t you?”

  Laurie paused a moment. “I don’t think so. Most of the time, I try not to think of you at all.”

  ***

  “I shouldn’t be meeting you again so soon.” Martha admonished him. “People are going to start thinking we’re courting.”

  Jared had asked Martha to meet him for coffee in an attempt to clear his conscience. Learning Laurie was going to have a baby had forced him to confront several truths, all of them uncomfortable and embarrassing. One of those was that he couldn’t bring himself to marry Martha, even for the sake of Steve and his men, and he felt guilty for trying to give her the impression he did. He was even more ashamed of himself for planning to use her to get Norman to give him the loan. What kind of man would do that? Certainly not the kind of man he thought himself to be.

  “I suppose it is a bit unusual, but not improper,” he said.

  Martha’s laughter was easy and uncomplicated. “How could it be improper when we are in public and half the people in town stop to speak to one of us?”

  “Speak to you,” Jared corrected. “I’m not so pretty.” He wanted to bite his tongue. He was here to clean up the m
ess he’d made, not make it worse with suggestive comments.

  “Well, I’m glad you did. I like being seen with a handsome man. Besides, you’re old enough you don’t stare at me with your mouth open. I’m well aware that single women are at a premium in town, but that’s no reason for young men to lose their power of conversation.”

  Jared was used to Martha’s way of flirting, but this was a little unusual even for her. Instead of treating him like a potential husband, she was making him feel like a father figure or favorite uncle, which was a blow to his vanity. “I’m not that old.”

  Martha laughed. “You know what I mean. I’m thankful you helped me understand boys my age.”

  When had he done that? “Why was that so important?” Jared was feeling older by the minute. When they’d met before, they’d talked in general terms about the difficulties of a young woman stuck in a small town in the West. “Stuck” was Martha’s word. She’d complained about the inability of young men to express a coherent thought and the taboos against women doing just that.

  He’d explained the reverence in which young men held a young woman who was both beautiful and genteel. He’d also encouraged her to be more assertive, not to hesitate to say and do what she wanted. At the time, he’d considered it a subtle way to court a young woman without really courting her. From the beginning, he’d be ashamed of what he was doing. He’d only managed it by focusing on Steve’s future.

  “A young woman needs to know what a man feels for her,” Martha said. “That’s difficult when he’s incapable of speech.”

  “I’ve never been incapable of speech.”

  Martha laughed. “I don’t mean you. I’m talking about young men.”

  Jared felt he’d suddenly gone gray and aged three decades. In frustration he asked, “Are you talking about any young man in particular?”

  “Ted Drummond.” Martha blushed. “I thought you knew.”

  Jared recalled Martha mentioning Ted—Jared sometimes had trouble keeping his mind on their conversations—but the boy was so handsome every woman mentioned him sooner or later. He’d met Ted a couple of times but didn’t find him remarkable in any way except his looks. “What about him?”