Shattered Lives Mended Hearts

by Lena Nicole

  “Okay, well you have your key. I’ll probably stay with my mom or Garrick for a few days so you can pick up whatever you need then.” I put my hands in my pockets to keep from grabbing her and holding her to me forever. I hate that she’s moving and want nothing more than to beg for her to stay, but if this is what she needs, then I’ll give it to her.

  “Thanks, and I’m so sorry, Pierce,” she says as she leans her head on my chest, her hands fisting my shirt. My hands are like cement in my pockets. I can’t hold her, even if I wanted to.

  “Yeah, me too. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

  She nods. I lean in and brush my lips across her cheek. I hear her take in a sharp breath and hold it. I squeeze my eyes shut as I force myself to pull away from her and fight every instinct that tells me to pull her close and never let go. Staring down at her face, I take in how gorgeous she is, even with red, puffy eyes and a tear stained face. She opens her eyes and looks up at me. They’re still tinged with sadness, but I also see a hint of want hidden deep within them and that gives me hope. If she didn’t care about me anymore, she wouldn’t react to me like that. My lips quirk up in a sad attempt to look happy; I know it doesn’t reach my eyes before I turn around and leave.

  I don’t say goodbye because I know this isn’t goodbye. It can’t be. I won’t let it be. If I’ve learned anything from watching Colin, it’s not to listen to Addison when she asks for space.

  I don’t want to go home to the place I’ve been sharing with Addison. On a normal day it feels empty when she’s not there. Knowing that she might not be there ever again is killing me. Seeing her stuff all over our place and the memories that we have in every room will do nothing but torment me. I end up at the pub that’s down the street from my office to have a whiskey sour. I try to analyze the short conversation we had. I have a feeling deep within my gut that he’s going to go to her. But I’ll be damned if I make it easy for her to leave me and move on with him. I’m a very determined guy and I fight for what I want. I want Addison more than I want my next breath. I’m going to fight like hell to keep her in my life and make her mine again.

  WATCHING PIERCE walk away is hard. When he had kissed me on the cheek, I wanted nothing more than to crash into him and have him guide me through this. A part of me wished that he would just grab me and not let me go, but he didn’t and I don’t blame him. In a way, it’s good he didn’t because I still have that voice in the back of my head saying one word.

  Colin.

  Pierce has been my rock for the past year and now he needs a rock, someone to lean on, only I’m not sure that someone can be me. I can’t even give him an honest answer on what will happen to us because I don’t know if there will end up being an us. The look on his face brought me right back to a year ago when I told Colin I wouldn’t be moving in with him, only this time I’m telling Pierce I’m moving out.

  I turn around and walk back into Morgan’s and sit myself down on the couch, letting out an exasperated sigh. Morgan and Colby come out from the kitchen and sit on the floor next to me, handing me a glass of wine.

  “I figured you could use a drink,” Colby says.

  “A drink? Try the bottle,” I say as I down the glass of wine, holding it out to Morgan for a refill.

  “A toast,” Morgan says holding up her glass after refilling mine.

  “I hardly think now is the time for a toast, Morgan,” Colby deadpans.

  Morgan rolls her eyes at Colby and continues, “To this little fucked up thing called life and its ability to make you feel like you’re floating on cloud nine, only to tear you right the fuck back down.” She downs her glass of wine and I’m suddenly wondering if that toast was meant for me or for her. I shrug my shoulders, not really caring about the words.

  “Colby, you have to drink to a toast,” Morgan says in an offended tone.

  “Nuh uh. I am not toasting to that,” she insists while shaking her head.

  “Just shut up and drink it,” I say, right as a burp escapes my mouth.

  After two bottles of wine and a lot of crying, I am still sprawled out on the couch surrounded by tissues. Morgan and Colby passed out half way through the second bottle. I could tell they were tired, and since I was just sitting here drinking, sobbing, and not speaking, I told them to go to bed. They refused at first, but I insisted they go.

  As I sit here finishing off the third bottle, I can’t help but laugh and think to myself how big of a hypocrite I am. Here I was asking if Colin had a drinking problem, and now I can honestly say I don’t blame him for drinking. If he felt half as conflicted and shitty as I do right now, I would resort to booze too.

  A faint knock at the door grabs my attention and I contemplate answering it. That involves getting up and I haven’t gotten up since I started drinking. I’m not sure if I will be able to walk to the door. Besides, I am in no mood for anyone’s company. There are three more knocks on the door, but again they are faint. I have a feeling I know who is on the other side of the door, but the only question is, am I ready to face him? Whether or not I am ready doesn’t matter. I owe it to him to talk to him. I spent a year not giving him the time or effort he deserved. The least I can do after being so selfish is give him a moment of my time.

  As I swing my legs to the floor, a bunch of discarded tissues covered with black mascara fall to the ground. I slowly put one foot in front of the other as my heart begins to pound against my chest. It is beating so hard and fast I’m afraid it might jump out of me and take off running. I stop once I reach the door and take a deep breath in before exhaling and reaching for the door knob with trembling hands. I open the door and, as I suspected, there standing in front of me is Colin.

  I’m frozen in my spot with my hand on the door, staring into his blue eyes. The same eyes I used to love waking up to on the mornings we would spend the night together. He’s looking back at me and a small, unsure look appears on his face. It breaks my heart that he is so insecure about us, but why wouldn’t he be? I broke all the trust we had built together and now he’s clearly guarded.

  I notice he is still wearing his tie. I reach out and run my hand down it. The one I gave him after he was hired at the law firm, the one he said he’d wear to every special occasion. The same damn tie that triggered my memories. The same damn tie that is the start to this mess that I find myself in. Okay, maybe it wasn’t the tie’s fault, but it sure did help in bringing Colin back to me. I let go of his tie and looking back up into his eyes, I close mine. I am being flooded with memories and feelings that should have never gone away. I love this man so much and now it pains me to look at him. I’m scared he will not be able to forgive me for the hell I’ve put him through. I’m scared to hear what he has to say to me. Most of all, I’m scared that eventually I will have to choose between him and Pierce, and I have no idea how I can possibly do that.

  Colin clears his throat, making me open my eyes and face him.

  “Are you suddenly remembering how good I look naked? Because if so, I can give you an extra minute if you need it.” A mischievous grin spreads across his face and it helps calm my nerves. I allow a small laugh to escape and I find myself smiling back at him. I love him for trying to ease the tension because I have no idea what to do. I know what I want to do, and that is just fall into his arms, but I’m not sure if he would accept me. So, I’m left not knowing if I should hug him, kiss him, or just invite him in. Luckily, he decides for me.

  “Do you mind if I come in?” He nods his head toward the inside of the apartment.

  “No, come on in.” I quickly move aside.

  I’m picking at my sweatshirt as I follow Colin into the living room. He brushes the remaining tissues onto the ground and takes a seat on the couch. I stop and look around, not sure if I should sit next to him or if I should sit in the chair across from him. As if he can read my mind, he pats the cushion next to him. I sit down and our legs brush up against each other, causing a shiver to run through my body. Suddenly, I miss his contact more than ever.
It’s weird how when he kissed me while I had no memory of him, I felt nothing. No spark, nothing. But now, the simple brush of his leg against mine has me wanting his touch, and I don’t know how I went so long without it.

  “Well, I don’t really know where to start, so how about I start by telling you how beautiful you look today,” Colin says with soft eyes.

  “Look? Don’t you mean looked? I’m a mess,” I say as I rub under my eyes to try to remove the smeared mascara.

  “Here let me help,” he says as he picks up a tissue and gently wipes under my eyes with it.

  My heart is beating even faster and I’m more convinced now than ever that it is trying to make a break for it. Colin puts the tissue down and smiles warmly at me.

  “You could never be a mess. So you have a little smeared mascara under your eyes, but your hair is still intact and you make sweat pants look incredible,” he says with a loving expression and I’m immediately transported back to our first date when I showed up in sweats because I was running late. He told me I looked beautiful then too.

  I put my hand up to my hair. It’s not until this moment that realize I still have my veil on and the butterfly clip Pierce gave me right before I walked down the aisle. An aisle that was originally intended for Colin and me. A single tear escapes my eye and I lower my head in defeat.

  “Addy, hey,” Colin says as he pulls me into him for a hug. “It will be okay. Don’t cry. This isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. We will figure out what to do.”

  I can no longer contain my emotions being wrapped in Colin’s arms again and hearing him call me Addy. Everything I used to feel for him before the accident is all resurfacing at once. Feeling the need to be close to him, I lean my forehead against his chest and sob into it.

  “I know you’re emotionally overwhelmed right now, but I couldn’t not come here today. I’m sorry if me being here is making this day even harder for you.” He rubs his hand up and down my back to soothe me.

  His proposal is running through my head and I say, “You said you would fight. You said it wasn’t going to be easy but you promised it would be worth it. Why didn’t you fight?” I know I probably have no right asking this, especially since I didn’t fight either, but I blame it on my liquid courage.

  “Addison, I tried. I tried to fight for you. Every time I tried, it just pushed you further away. You wanted space and I gave it to you, hoping I was fighting it your way. I was hoping your way was the right way,” he says softly into my ear and continues, “Listen, we have plenty of time to talk about this. Maybe when you’re not so emotional and a little bit more sober.” he says the last part jokingly.

  “Thank you for coming, Colin. I’m glad you did.” This is all I can say to him right now.

  “Like I said, I just wanted you to know I’m still here for you.” With that said, he kisses me on my forehead, gets up, and walks toward the front door. Before he is about to walk out he turns around and looks at me.

  “I have to ask before I leave. Do you know why all of a sudden your memories came back? What could have triggered them?” He is staring at me with a look of curiosity on his face.

  I let out a small laugh. “You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.”

  “Try me.”

  I point to his neck where his tie is hanging loosely off it. “That stupid tie. As soon as I looked at it, I remembered giving it to you, and after that, everything else hit me like a ton of bricks.”

  Colin’s left eyebrow raises up as he grabs his tie and says, “This tie?”

  I nod at him.

  “Had I known all it would take would be this tie, I would have worn it every time I saw you,” he turns and walks out the front door, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

  My head is pounding and I’m not entirely sure if it is from the wine or all the drama from today. I am sure of one thing though, I’m going to bed to try and get rid of this headache. The only problem with that is even if I wake up with no headache, my problems are still going to be there tomorrow. The biggest one being I’m still stuck with the fact that I’m in love with two completely different men. Inevitably, I’m going to have to break the heart of one and have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.

  I CLOSE the front door behind me and head to my car. I can’t believe a tie is all it took to bring her memories back. All the times I tried to jar her memory by mentioning the things that happened in our past were unsuccessful. Then, I hoped just being around would spark a familiarity and she’d remember, but that didn’t happen either. But this simple thing is what did it. It’s a little hard to believe.

  It damn near broke my heart when she asked why I didn’t fight for her. The hurt and pain in her eyes gutted me. I wish she knew just how hard I really did try. How hard it was to sit back and let another man sweep in and take her from me while still holding on to hope that we’d get together as soon as she recovered completely. I just hope she realizes that I couldn’t be pushy about it and risk losing her all together.

  Seeing the recognition back in her eyes brought so many feelings and emotions to the surface. It’s been so long since she’s really seen me that I had come to accept that I’d never see that light in her eyes again. A huge sense of relief swept through my body as I sat with her. To know she remembered me, our memories, and the love we shared, allowed me to exhale for the first time since the accident. I think all along I’d been holding my breath, waiting for her. Now, the wait is over and my heart has a sense of reprieve from the constant ache that’s been there over the past year.

  I know she has feelings for Pierce. Hell, she was about to marry the guy, and suddenly remembering me doesn’t change that. I want to think realistically; I don’t want to get my hopes up and assume we’re getting back together immediately. The fear and pain radiating from her eyes is enough to tell me that’s not a realistic expectation.

  Getting in my car, I rest my head back on the headrest and let out a long breath. When she was walking down the aisle, I knew the door for us was closing; now it’s been busted wide open. I feel like a fire has been lit inside me, and even though Pierce is still in the picture, I have a fighting chance. The only problem with that is, I’m back to square one with her and I have no idea how to go about getting her back. Waiting in the background didn’t pan out so well for me last time. This time, I need to be more present in her life and remind her why she fell in love with me. Show her why we worked so well together and help her re-envision the future we were planning to build. With the look in her eyes and her compassion toward me, I already know with all the memories and feelings that have returned, I’m one step closer to making that happen. Feeling a newfound confidence, my brain won’t stop spinning ideas on how I can make her mine again. I know her feelings for Pierce are still there, and I know she has a hard decision to make. There are so many things to consider and factor in, and I’m not really sure what to expect. What I do know is that by this door opening, I can expect to either win Addison back or have my heart broken all over again. Either way, it’ll all be worth the fight.

  I HAVE been in the Bahamas now for four days and we go home tomorrow. When Colby suggested we get away for a long weekend, I wasn’t sure if it was the best idea. She managed to convince me that I needed time to clear my head without Colin or Pierce stopping by and clogging up my thoughts with mixed emotions. I appreciate her trying to get me away, but I’m not sure how bringing me to a married couple’s paradise is supposed to help. Every day I see happy couples laughing and stealing kisses on the beach. If it’s not happily married couples throwing their happiness around, it’s happy single people. Everyone looks so carefree, relishing this beautiful destination, and I can’t get over my hurt and anger enough to enjoy it. I’m getting sick of witnessing everyone’s happiness as I sit here miserable. Instead of enjoying the water and beach, I’m hiding under a big floppy hat and oversized sunglasses on to hide my red, puffy eyes. I could have done this at home where I could be trying to get some answers
. Like why no one pushed me harder to remember. My parents, who loved Colin, just welcomed Pierce with open arms. They didn’t tell me to slow down or try harder with Colin, they just let me move on. Even the friends I sit here with didn’t push me hard enough. I know it wasn’t their responsibility to make me remember, but I wish someone would have tried harder to push me in to making more of an effort, because I clearly wasn’t giving it any.

  We are lying on lounge chairs at the resort when Colby’s phone rings. She gets up and excuses herself as she walks away to take her call. She has been doing that a lot these past four days and it makes me wonder if everything is okay with Damon. I’m extremely grateful she is trying to be here for me, but now I feel bad, like I’m keeping her from her life back home.

  “Has Colby mentioned anything about Damon lately?” I ask Morgan while turning my head to look at her.

  “No, why?” she answers without looking up from the magazine she’s reading.

  “Well, her phone has been ringing a lot and every time she takes it, she leaves the room. I’m just wondering if everything is fine at home.”

  Morgan looks up from the magazine and waves her hand to dismiss my worries. “She’s fine. That would be Pierce calling… again.”

  I’m surprised and confused, which must show on my face because Morgan continues, “And before you ask, yes, Colin has been checking in too. Although, Jeremy has been doing it for him non-stop. I get it. You turned your phone off and no one can reach you, but Jeremy is annoying the hell out of me with all his texts.”

  Morgan’s lips are turned up, reaching ear-to-ear when she mentions his name, which is funny because she is talking about how annoying he is. I laugh quietly at the contradiction and shake my head.

  “What? What are you smiling about?” she questions, lowering her magazine.

  When I don’t answer her and just laugh and shake my head again, she throws her magazine at me to regain my attention.