Shattered Lives Mended Hearts

by Lena Nicole

  I unlock the door and am instantly greeted by Ali, our boxer. Our boxer. I wonder if it’s still considered ours, since technically she was a gift for Addison. I hope she doesn’t try to take her from me. I almost want to laugh at myself when I realize that I’m making her sound like a child with joint custody or something.

  “Hey, girl. How you doing?” I say to her as I scratch behind her ears. She runs away and comes racing back with my shoe in her mouth. I take it from her and grab a ball that is lying nearby and throw it down the hallway, where she goes barreling after it. After a few more throws, she starts whimpering and pawing at the door. I know what she’s doing. She’s looking for Addison.

  “I know, Ali. We miss Mommy, don’t we? But it’s okay. We have each other right now and soon this will all work itself out. Yes, it will. It has to.” Lying down on the floor with her, I start to scratch her belly when she rolls all the way over onto her back and completely forgets about anything else. I wish it was that simple for me.

  The sound of knocking at my door stops my bonding moment with Ali as I get up off the floor and open it up. Lexi is standing there with some take out and a big smile on her face. Not sure what she’s so happy about. I’m sure she’s doing it for my sake though.

  “Hey, Lexi. Come on in.” She walks in and I take the bags from her hands. “Thanks for bringing me some food.”

  “No problem. I figured you probably weren’t eating.” We walk over to the kitchen and I set the food down on the counter. There’s a pause, because neither of us knows what to say. I place my hands on the counter and lean my weight on my arms, staring at her. Do we address the elephant in the room or keep the conversation light? Lexi takes the decision away from me when she says, “So, how are you holding up? Have you talked to Addison recently?”

  I rub the back of my neck before replying, “I’m okay. I guess. And no, I haven’t talked to her. She’s in the Bahamas with Colby and Morgan.”

  Lexi tilts her head to the side. “And how do you know that if you haven’t talked to her?”

  The accusatory look she’s giving me makes me feel like a creepy stalker. “I might be keeping tabs on her through Colby.” I shrug my shoulders, not caring if she’s judging me for it.

  “Hmm, does she know this?”

  “Probably not.”

  “Well, if that gives you some sort of comfort, I guess it’s okay. But please tell me you aren’t keeping your distance because that’s just not who you are.”

  “Hell no. I’m only backing off until she gets back from her vacation. She needs time to digest what happened, and I have to respect that. But I don’t plan to sit in the background while this all unfolds.” I straighten back up and grab some glasses from the cabinet.

  “Good, I think you should fight for her,” she says before reaching in and pulling down two plates. “Are you sure you’re okay, though? I remember when you got hurt by Samantha how hard it was for you to recover.”

  I cut her a look from the corner of my eye. “Don’t even compare Addison to Samantha. Samantha was a selfish wench who cheated on me with my best friend. Addison did nothing wrong.” My voice starts to rise as I get more worked up over this. “There is no comparison! In the four years I was with Samantha, I never felt half of what I feel for Addison.” I sit down on one of the barstools and put my head in my hands before quietly saying, “If anything, this is way worse than Samantha.”

  Lexi comes around the kitchen counter and throws her arms around me in a comforting manner. “I’m so sorry, Pierce. I wish there was a way I could fix this for you because I hate to see you hurting. But you just have to have faith. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to in the end. I can feel it.” She gives me a peck on the cheek before pulling away and serving up the rest of our dinner.

  Not knowing when Addison is coming back is making me anxious. Is she coming back to me, or is she going back to Colin? I have no idea if she’s reached a conclusion by being away and being apart from her is killing me. With all these fears running through my head, I decide the glass of water sitting in front of me just isn’t going to cut it tonight. I go to the fridge and grab a Sam Adams and return to my untouched dinner.

  Lexi tries to engage me in conversation, and I love her for it. I hate that she’s so worried about me, but I don’t know what to say to ease her mind. Honestly, I’m not okay right now and to try to lie to her would be pointless. With all these thoughts dancing in my mind, I’m not much for conversation, which doesn’t seem to bother her too much, as she just keeps talking, filing the silence. She tells me about her move to Garrick’s and how that’s going. I really don’t want to think about the things my little sister is doing with her boyfriend, especially now that they’re living together, but she seems happy, and that makes me happy.

  We finish up dinner before she leaves. I guess she’s satisfied that I’m doing well enough to be left alone. Kissing her on the cheek goodbye, I see her to the door, then retreat to my bedroom and go to sleep.

  I’M SITTING in my seat on the plane, while we get ready for takeoff. I am freaking out that I’m flying back to the mess I left behind. The two men I left behind. What do I do? Where do I even start? Do I ask them both to date me? Do I blindly choose and hope it’s the right decision; or do I walk away from both and break three hearts in the process? They all seem selfish, but the most selfish choice seems to be the easiest right now. Just walk away from them both and break everyone’s heart. They are both amazing men and will find someone worth their love. I would eventually heal from the loss of two incredible men, but I don’t think I have it in me to do that. Or maybe I am just too selfish to do that. My only other option is to take Morgan’s suggestion and hope they agree. It’s a crazy idea, but it might work.

  Colby was right when she said I have changed a lot in the past year, and I have changed because of Pierce. Will the new me fit into Colin’s life? There is only one way to find out. I hate that I have to ask them both to wait for me while I make up my mind. Colin has already waited and lost me once, but I need to do this for me. I want to make sure that if I go back to Colin or continue to move forward with Pierce, it is for the right reasons.

  Before I know it, the plane is landing. My mind was so occupied while trying to sort this out that I didn’t even realize my flight was over. I grab my carry-on bag and pull out my cell phone. I turn it on and see that I have a bunch of voicemails and texts. I scroll through some of the texts from Colin and Pierce all saying pretty much the same thing. Are you okay? Can you please call me? I miss you. I love you. I’m not going anywhere.

  I open a new message and type in Colin and Pierce’s name.

  Me: Can you both please meet me at my parents’ house in a couple days? I would like to speak with both of you, if that’s okay. I will text you the day and time once I’m home and settled.

  My finger hovers over the send button for a few seconds, like it might burn me if I touch it. Finally, I hit send and put my phone in my back pocket. I just pray to God I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life by doing this.

  I’M WAITING at my parents’ house for Colin and Pierce to arrive. I’m so nervous, I can’t even make up my mind to whether I should sit or stand. I’m a wreck. I know the guys have to be wondering what all this is about. I was very vague in my message to them. I had to be though, something like this needs to be said in person, not a text. I hear a car door shut and I immediately feel my stomach start to turn. I place my hand over my stomach like it will magically make this queasy feeling go away as I hear the door bell ring. Walking slowly over to the door, I am mentally telling myself I can do this and to keep walking. Just one foot in front of the other, you can do this.

  I open the door and see Pierce rocking back and forth on the heels of his feet. Normally we feel completely comfortable and at ease with each other, but these aren’t normal circumstances. I see his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallows. He looks handsome like always, wearing jeans and a t-shirt like he normally
does when we’re snuggled up on the couch together on the weekends.

  I give him a half smile that I feel quivering in the corners, showing how nervous I am about what is about to happen once Colin gets here. He steps through the door and wraps me up in a tight embrace. Feeling his body pressed up against mine is bringing back every memory I have of us entwined in each other intimately. I close my eyes, taking in his scent. I feel him relax as I squeeze my arms around his waist.

  “You look nervous,” he whispers in my ear. I don’t respond so he continues, “It’s going to be okay. Whatever happens, I’ll always be here for you. You do know that, right?”

  He pulls back to gauge my reaction. I close my eyes and nod. He brushes a small kiss to the very corner of my mouth, helping ease my mind some. My breath hitches, and as much as I want to continue with this and devour his lips with mine, I know I can’t do that.

  At that moment, I hear a throat being cleared behind us. I spring my eyes open and see Colin standing there with his hands in his pockets. His eyes look slightly angry, but his posture gives the impression that he feels like an outsider intruding on someone else’s moment. And just like that, the queasiness is back.

  “Hey, you wanted to meet us here?” he says, avoiding eye contact with Pierce and focusing his attention on me.

  I pull further away from Pierce before saying, “Uh, yes. Sorry. Why don’t you both come in and have a seat so we can talk.”

  Pierce steps aside, and gestures with his hand for Colin to go first. I follow behind him and Pierce falls into step beside me. We all have a seat around the living room, none of us sitting too close to the other person. You can feel the strain and apprehension radiating off of everyone and it’s about to drive me insane, so I get on with why we are here.

  “Well, there’s really no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to lay it out there,” I pause and look at each of them.

  “I love you both, and my heart is being pulled in two different directions.” Looking at Pierce I say, “Pierce, I love the person you have helped me become and for getting me through a really difficult time in my life.” I turn toward Colin and say, “Colin, now that all my memories are back, I love you too. I love everything we shared together and the life we thought we’d have until the accident.” I face forward so I can talk to them both, “So, as you can see, it’s impossible for me to choose right now and for that, I am so very sorry. I love each of you, and you’ve both had an impact on my heart during different times in my life. I thought about walking away completely from both of you, but I can’t do that. So my only other option is to propose that I date you both.” I start rubbing my hands up and down my legs, waiting for their response.

  After I am met with silence, I quietly add, “I know this is incredibly selfish to ask of you and not entirely fair, but in my mind, I feel like I’m engaged to the both of you. And I’m not taking this lightly as some sort of fun game or anything. I know someone is going to get hurt in all of this, and I’m just trying to make the right decision for me and not rush into anything. If you don’t think you can do this, then let me know now and I’ll understand.” I tuck a lose strand of hair behind my ear and wait. I keep looking back and forth between the two of them. I think both guys are at a complete loss for words. While Pierce’s face shows determination, the same look I see when people challenge him, Colin’s face shows confusion, like he’s wondering if I really just said that.

  “So, how exactly does this work?” Colin asks me hesitantly with his eyebrows still drawn together. “Do you schedule us in for dates? Are we casually hanging out? Will there be a set limit on how much each of us gets to see you?”

  Relieved that someone finally broke the silence, I answer Colin, “We can start by casually hanging out together and see where it goes. I’m not going to make a schedule and I don’t want this to turn into some competition to see who can hang out with me the most. I just want to hang out with each of you and see what my heart tells me.”

  Pierce adds, “Well, looks like we don’t have much of a choice if we want to be with you.” I look at Pierce and wince at his words. I won’t lie, they sting a little but I try to cover it up with a neutral expression. I know I’m asking a lot.

  “Yeah, I guess I’m agreeing to it too,” Colin says.

  I feel my posture relax and I exhale, like I’ve been holding my breath the entire time I waited for them to agree. I tell them I’ll call them later and we all make our way to the door. When Colin leaves, Pierce closes the door behind him and hangs back to talk to me.

  This surprises me and I raise my eyebrows, staring at Pierce. He grabs both of my hands and looks deep into my eyes. “I know I keep saying this, but I need you to understand me when I say everything is going to be okay.”

  Never breaking eye contact, I tell him, “Yes, I know.”

  “That’s all I needed to know,” he says as he grins and gives me a little wink.

  I look down at the ground filled with guilt. “I’m really sorry about the wedding. You have no idea how terrible I feel for what I put you through. I hate that you’re hurting, especially because of me. I know it’s all my fault, but I just want you to know that I never wanted this to happen.”

  He puts his finger under my chin and lifts it up so our gazes meet. “You don’t have to apologize for that and it’s not your fault. You had no control over when your memories came back. I’m just sorry you have to deal with this. Just know that I love you and I’m not going anywhere. I will fight for you, Addison. I can promise you that.” He leans in and kisses me on the cheek before removing his hand from my chin, turning, and walking out the door.

  OF ALL the things I was expecting from this meeting, hearing Addison say that she wants to date us both was not one of them. I could tell Pierce was less than thrilled about the situation, since this probably feels like a big step back in their relationship. For me, however, it’s a giant leap forward. I felt so elated to hear that she still loves me and felt like we were still engaged.

  Not feeling like going home, I drive over to Jeremy’s. I knock on the door and wait. I hear hushed voices and some thumping around. I lean in closer trying to hear what is going on. Suddenly, the door swings open. Jeremy is standing there, slightly out of breath and a little disheveled. He has his arm resting high on the door jam with the other hand holding open the door. It’s clear that he isn’t exactly ready for company.

  “Hey, man. What’s up?” he asks me.

  “Nothing, just came from Addison’s parents’ house.” He nods his head, still acting a little weird. I stand on my toes trying to see in his apartment wondering what he’s hiding.

  “Do you mind if I come in?” I ask him.

  He looks back behind him and rubs the back of his neck. “No, it’s cool. Come on in.”

  I walk through the apartment, taking in my surroundings. Nothing looks out of place, so I’m not sure why he looked so unsettled to have me here. Deciding to dismiss his odd behavior, I take a seat on the couch in the living room and wait for him to join me.

  “So, how’d it go?” Jeremy questions once he sits in the chair beside the couch.

  “Uh, a little weird actually. She wants to date us both.”

  Jeremy is quiet for a moment just staring at me. Finally he says, “Seriously? How does that work?”

  “I’m not entirely sure right now. I guess we’ll start by casually dating,” I say with a shrug, trying to appear nonchalant, even though I’m anything but.

  “And you’re okay with that? You can handle her dating you both?”

  “Considering I was about to watch her marry another guy, yeah, I think I can handle it,” I say followed by a sigh.

  “That’s true. When you look at it like that, then this is actually a step in a positive direction.”

  Rubbing the bridge of my nose, I say, “I don’t know. My mind is all over the place right now. I’m afraid I’m setting myself up for failure again. I get the feeling this is all going to blow up in my face.”


  Jeremy leans forward and slaps my knee a couple times. “You can’t think like that right now. This is what you wanted. Be happy and quit acting like a big vaj.”

  Leave it to Jeremy to give me a heartfelt pep talk. He’s right, though. I should be happy that I have another opportunity with Addison, not thinking of the what ifs.

  I drop the topic and hang out with Jeremy for a little while longer before heading home and diving back into my work. Good thing I have a heavy caseload right now, because I need the distraction. Otherwise, I’m going to drive myself crazy thinking about all the possible outcomes of me getting involved with Addison again.

  IT’S BEEN three weeks since my disastrous trip down the aisle. I have received calls from Pierce and Colin asking if I wanted to get together. I told them both my work schedule has been crazy and I have been using my extra time to catch up on sleep. It isn’t a total lie. I have been submerging myself into work and picking up extra hours whenever I can. But, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t avoiding them. The truth is, I’m still a little nervous about this whole dating two guys at one time thing. I have no idea how to date two guys, and I keep telling myself that if I put it off, the answer will come to me. I can’t put this off anymore. I miss both Pierce and Colin terribly. I do nothing but think about them. I find myself feeling more and more lonely each night. I didn’t account for that when I moved back into my condo. Lexi offered to move out and I wasn’t going to fight her on that one. It’s time to put an end to this and get things started. I can’t string them both along. I need to do something to figure out my life with them. I pick up the phone and dial. I pace around the living room while the phone rings. He picks up after the second ring and his voice makes me melt.