Hazards

by Mike Resnick

  Now, if you ain’t never walked across a river on a rope bridge, let me tell you that it ain’t the steadiest way to get from one place to another, or even the forty-third steadiest now as I come to think about it. But somehow we managed, and suddenly we stepped around a corner, which Jasper insisted on calling a bend, and there was the forgotten kingdom of Machu Picchu laid out in all its glory.

  “See that big building?” said Jasper. “That’s the Temple of the Son.”

  Since I didn’t want to sound ignorant, I asked him to point out the Temple of the Daughter, but he just stared at me for a minute and then began pointing out the other sights, like the Room of the Three Windows, which was in what they called the Sacred District. I asked what was so sacred about it, and he explained that that was where they sacrificed warriors and virgins, occasionally at the same time when they caught ’em doing something that I planned to reserve only for gods just as soon as I set the kingdom straight on a few matters.

  We moseyed over to the Temple of the Son, which I later found out was really the Temple of the Sun, which sounds alike but has a whole different set of false doctrines attached to it. Nobody paid us much attention, and I didn’t see no college types at all, unless they’d shed their clothes and taken to wearing loincloths, which in my broad and vast experience is not something college types are really inclined to do, and then we were inside the Temple, and truth to tell it didn’t look a whole lot better from close up.

  “These here folk are even more backward than I thunk,” I allowed. “What kind of religion ain’t got a half-naked High Priestess or two roaming around the temple, or at least some Heavenly Handmaidens what are dressed for extremely warm weather?”

  “Keep your mind on business, Lucifer,” said Jasper.

  “I’m a man of the cloth and half-naked High Priestesses are my business,” I told him.

  Well, we explored every corner of that temple, and couldn’t find a single gold nugget, let alone any ten-carat diamonds, or even any paltry little five-carat ones, and I began thinking that maybe there was a reason everyone went out of their way to forget Machu Picchu. By the time we’d examined the Room of the Three Windows I was wondering why anyone would come all the way from Yale just to look at this place. I’d been in a lot of rooms what had more than three windows in ’em, and no one was racing to make them into national shrines.

  “What do you think, Lucifer?” said Jasper. “Should we keep looking or take a rest?”

  What I was thinking was that Billy Pizarro could have saved us all a lot of trouble if he’d just stuck around Deadwood and shot it out with Doc Holliday, but before I could say anything something happened that changed my whole view of Machu Picchu, because suddenly I was looking at the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen (at least since the last most beautiful woman I’d ever seen), and far from being a half-naked High Priestess she was a ninety-eight percent naked High Priestess, and the only thing she was wearing besides a smile was a gold headdress with the biggest diamond I’d ever seen in a long lifetime of admiring big diamonds.

  “She’s mine!” whispered Jasper. “I saw her first!”

  “Sorry to disappoint you, Brother Jasper,” I said, “but the church has first call on her.”

  “What church?” he demanded.

  “The Tabernacle of Saint Luke,” I answered.

  “Never heard of it.”

  “Well, it ain’t quite got itself built yet,” I said, “but if you’d like to make a donation…”

  “I’m not donating anything,” he said heatedly. “And who is Saint Luke?”

  “You’re looking at him,” I answered.

  “I thought you were Lucifer.”

  “You’ve be surprised how few people donate to a tabernacle named Saint Lucifer,” I said.

  “We’re getting off the subject,” said Jasper, “said subject being that I got first claim on her.”

  “You can argue that with the High Priest,” I said.

  “High Priest?” he repeated. “I don’t see any High Priest.”

  “You’re still looking at him,” I answered.

  “Why don’t we leave it up to her?” he said, but I could tell that the second the words left his mouth he started having second thoughts, which figgered for a guy who hadn’t shaved all month and hadn’t showered since Babe Ruth was still pitching for the Boston Red Sox.

  Still, womenfolk can be flighty at best, and a naked High Priestess figured to be even flightier than most, so I wasn’t any more eager to let her do the choosing than he was. In fact, I was all set to suggest we avoid a religious war by just cutting a deck of cards for her when she saw us and walked over, which is not exactly right because part of her walked and some of her bounced and the rest kind of undulated.

  “I have not seen you here before,” she said by way of greeting.

  “Hello, ma’am,” said Jasper, who didn’t have no hat to tip so he reached up and tipped some of his hair, of which he had an awful lot to tip since he clearly wasn’t on speaking terms with his barber. “My name’s King Jasper, and I’m pleased to make your acquaintance.”

  “King Jasper?” she repeated. “Are you visiting from a distant land?”

  “No, ma’am,” said Jasper. “I was kidnapped as an infant, and I’ve come back to claim my rightful throne.”

  Her face lit up in a great big smile. “Our legends said that one day our vanished king would return and live in our midst! This shall be a day of celebration! What may I call you?”

  “A simple Your Highness will do,” said Jasper, shooting me a triumphant grin.

  She turned to me. “Are you with King Jasper?”

  “With him?” I said. “I created him.”

  She frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m the god of Machu Picchu, come back to see how all my creations are doing,” I said.

  She immediately dropped to her knees. “How do I address you?” she asked.

  “Lord’ll do,” I said. Then I thunk about it and said, “Ah, what the hell—since you’re my Apprentice Goddess, you can call me Lucifer.”

  “Apprentice Goddess?” she said, looking half pleased and half scared.

  “Just put yourself in my hands and you won’t have a thing to worry about,” I said, returning Jasper’s grin. “You got a name?”

  “Don’t you know it?” she said. “After all, you made me.”

  “I got a lot on my mind, what with creating the moon and the stars and trying to get the Chicago White Sox out of last place,” I told her. “Why don’t you just tell me?”

  “I am Culamara,” she said.

  “You certainly are,” I said admiringly. “Especially when you breathe in. But what’s your name?”

  “Culamara is my name,” she said. Suddenly she frowned. “Are you sure you’re a god?”

  “If I ain’t, how do I know that Jasper’s going to try to convince you to go away with him?”

  “Don’t you listen to him, Culamara baby,” said Jasper. “You’re my loyal subject.”

  “But she’s my Apprentice Goddess,” I said. “You give me any of your lip, I’ll turn you into an insect and step on you.”

  “Yeah?” Jasper shot back. “Well, I’ll have you arrested for impersonating a god.”

  “Just you try it,” I said. “Anyone touches a god, it means an instant transfer to the fiery pits of hell.”

  “Then you’d better not touch your Apprentice Goddess,” he said.

  “Goddesses are a different union,” I told him.

  “Who says?”

  “Me,” I answered.

  “You don’t make the rules, Lucifer!” yelled Jasper.

  “Of course I do,” I hollered back. “I’m God!”

  Well, by this time we’d drawn quite a little crowd. Half of ’em knelt down to worship me, and the other half decided I was a false god, or at least an out-of-town one, and began to threaten me with their spears, with Jasper encouraging them every step of the way.

  Fin
ally one of the ones what had been kneeling approached me, being careful never to look me in the eye.

  “What are we to do, Inti?” he said.

  “I ain’t your Auntie,” I said.

  “Inti,” he repeated. “You are Inti the Sun God, the greatest god of all.”

  “I’m glad someone’s been paying attention,” I said.

  “What shall we do with this false king?” he asked.

  “Well, you know what they say,” I told him. “Render under the false Caesar the things what are the false Caesar’s, and render unto Inti the things what are mine.”

  “I don’t wish to appear unduly ignorant, O Inti,” he said, “but what things are yours?”

  “If I’m the Sun God, the Temple of the Sun is mine, ain’t it?”

  “Yes, Inti.”

  “Then throw them unbelievers from Yale out of it or start charging them rent.”

  “It will be done, O Inti. What else is yours?”

  “The most beautiful High Priestess I ever saw in a long lifetime of admiring naked High Priestesses,” I answered.

  “And who is that, Inti?” he asked.

  “Culamara,” I said.

  “Her?” he said contemptuously. “But she is merely the local woman of ill repute.”

  “Well, her repute is about to get a lot better,” I said. “I’m teaching her the goddess trade.”

  “Her?” he repeated incredulously. “But why?”

  Which was when I figgered out that the men who’d left may have forgotten the kingdom of Machu Picchu, but them what stuck around had clearly forgotten something even more important.

  “She’s a goddess and she’s mine,” I said. “Don’t go tempting my heavenly wrath.”

  “What shall we do with the pretender to the throne, Inti?”

  “What’s your name?” I asked.

  “Giroba, Inti.”

  “Okay, Giroba,” I said. “You guys ever sacrifice any virgins? I mean like on an altar?”

  “Of course, Inti,” Giroba answered. “Are you not pleased with the ones we select?”

  “I got no complaints,” I said. “I’m gonna sacrifice ’em in my own unique way from now on. But what I want to know is: where is this here altar at?”

  “Why, in the Monumental Mausoleum, Inti,” he said, frowning. “But surely you know that.”

  “Of course I do,” I said quickly. “I was just testing you. Why don’t you take False King Jasper over there, tie him down good and tight, and I’ll be along after I give Culamara her first lesson in the goddess biz and decide what to do next with him?”

  “It shall be as you say, Inti,” said Giroba. He nodded to all the other men what was busy worshipping me and they all held their spears and bows and knives at the ready.

  But nobody moved, and finally he said to me, “Uh…Inti?”

  “Yeah?” I responded.

  “We have a little problem, Inti.”

  I turned in the direction he was pointing, and knew immediately that he was dead wrong. What we had was a big problem, because them what wasn’t worshipping me had been busy pledging their loyalty to Jasper, and suddenly he had as many armed men on his side as I had on mine.

  “You are Inti, the Sun God,” said one of the men near me. “Wave your hand and wipe them out of existence.”

  “I’d like to,” I said, “I truly would. But I threw my shoulder out of whack hurling all them moons into orbit around Jupiter, and it’s so wobbly now that if I tried to wave it I’d be just as likely to miss them and send you all straight down to Hades, or maybe Ephrata, Pennsylvania, whichever comes first.”

  They all backed up and spread out right quick.

  “Then curse the False King,” said Giroba, who was becoming a real nuisance.

  “You sure that’s what you want me to do?” I asked.

  “Yes, Inti!” said a couple of hundred warriors in unison. “Curse him!”

  “Okay,” I said. “What god wouldn’t answer a heartfelt prayer like that?” I turned and faced the other side. “Jasper MacCorkle,” I intoned, “you are a dadgummed ding-dong ribbityflabberting sonuvabitch!”

  “Uh…we had in mind something a little more godly,” said another of my followers.

  “Look,” I said, “I’m the Sun God and the sun’s behind a cloud right now. Just take what you can get.”

  “Lucifer,” Jasper yelled at me, “you relinquish all claims to Culamara or this means war!”

  “Yeah?” I yelled back. “Who elected you king?”

  “King isn’t an office you run for,” he said. “I’m king by birth and by the grace of…” He stopped and frowned.

  “Go on and finish that sentence,” I said. “I dare you!”

  “Damn it, Lucifer, I saw her first!”

  “Your problem is that she saw me second, so she had something to compare you with,” I shot back.

  “I’m not kidding, Lucifer,” he hollered. “I’m telling you by all that’s holy to me, I’m willing to go to war over her.”

  I turned to my followers. “Did you hear that?” I said. “I ain’t holy to him. What do we do with unbelievers in these here parts?”

  “Educate them?” said one.

  “Forgive them?” offered another.

  “Convert them?” suggested a third.

  “We kill ’em!” I shouted.

  “But they outnumber us,” said one.

  “On the other hand, we have Inti on our side,” Giroba reminded them.

  “Hey, that’s right!” said another. “Will you lead us into battle, Inti?”

  “I’d love to lead you brave men into battle,” I said, “but my lumbago has been acting up lately, and besides, us Sun Gods work best in an advisory capacity.”

  I looked across the temple, and I could see that Jasper wasn’t doing no better with his constituency.

  “Goddammit!” he was shouting. “I’m your emperor! When I tell you to take up arms, you’ve got to do what I say!”

  “I thought you were just our king,” said one of them.

  “I promoted myself!” he yelled. “Now go kill that false god!”

  “Can’t the two of you just talk things over?” said another.

  “The time for talking’s come and gone,” said Jasper. “You’re my army. Go kill him!”

  “Actually,” said a third one, “I never signed any enlistment papers.”

  “You know these emperors and gods,” said another one. “They’re never happy unless all us mere mortals are busy killing each other.”

  “Did you hear that?” I said to my followers. “They’re afraid of you!”

  “Well, that makes sense,” said Giroba. “We’re afraid of them, too.”

  “Ain’t none of you gonna fight when I, Inti, the Sun God, tell you to?”

  “It’s nothing personal, Inti,” said Giroba.

  “Right,” said another. “We all worship you, and we’re thrilled that you’ve taken human form and come down to pay us a visit, and if you want the harlot with the big…well, you know…you can have her and good luck to you and we hope you live happily ever after—but I don’t see why I should kill my brother-in-law because you couldn’t find a piece of what you wanted up in heaven.”

  I looked over at Jasper, and he wasn’t having no better luck rallying his troops.

  “Hey, Lucifer,” he called. “You want to trade armies?”

  While I was considering it, I heard my men muttering things like, “Hey, that’s a great idea!” and “Yeah, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about disobeying a mere emperor.”

  Finally I faced Jasper’s men. “What about it?” I said. “Are you guys willing to fight on the side of Inti, the Sun God?”

  “If we come over to your side, who is there left for us to fight?” asked one of ’em.

  “Us!” said a bunch of my men.

  I could see that swapping armies wasn’t going to solve nothing, and then my Silent Partner hit me right betwixt the eyes with one of His timely revelations, and I turned
back to my men.

  “This is the last time I’m going to ask,” I said. “Are you going to destroy the enemy army and kill that pretender to the throne or ain’t you?”

  “Thank goodness you’re all through asking!” said Giroba with a sigh of relief.

  “Yeah,” said the man standing next to him. “What’ll we talk about now?”

  “All right,” I said. “If you won’t fight, you won’t fight.” Then I played my ace in the hole. “When I tell this to my brother, the God of Impotence, he’s gonna want a list of all your names. Giroba, you want to start writing ’em down for me?”

  Suddenly every member of my army was waving his weapon and screaming for Jasper’s blood.

  “If it’s war you want, it’s war you’ll get!” hollered Jasper. He turned to his men. “Anyone who fights for me gets to share in the spoils after we win.”

  “What spoils?” asked one of them.

  “Her!” he said, jerking a thumb in Culamara’s direction.

  Suddenly his army was screaming for blood even louder than mine was.

  The two armies started moving forward, yelling and cursing and brandishing their weapons, when suddenly Culamara stepped between them and held up her hand.

  “Stop!” she cried.

  Everybody stopped and stared at her, and at least three or four men on each side drooled a little bit too.

  “I cannot have all this bloodshed on my behalf,” she said. “What if I choose which of these two, your god or your emperor, shall have me?”

  I looked at Jasper, and he looked at me, and I could tell he was comparing us feature by feature. I knew I had him beat cold on manly good looks, and I’m sure if I’d had a chance to shave or wash or change my clothes in the past few weeks I’d clean up pretty well, but women are a peculiar bunch, and you have to figure that a woman who walked around naked in the midday sun was a little more peculiar than most, and I decided that I didn’t really want to stake my godhood on her ability to make the obvious choice, and I could see that Jasper had pretty much reached the same conclusion.

  “Well, that solves everything, doesn’t it, Inti?” said Giroba.

  “Not really,” I said.

  “Not at all,” Jasper chimed in.