You Good-for-Nothing Quartet

by Natsume Akatsuki

  In other words, he was one stereotypical dwarf.

  “An elf…! And a dwarf…! Look, Kazuma! An elf and a dwarf! Just like in the stories from when I was little!”

  “I know! Elves are just as handsome as they say! And this dwarf is so stout!”

  Darkness was as excited as a little girl, and I found it infectious.

  Although they were merchants and not warriors or the like, they were probably the first really “fantasy-like” people I’d met since I got here.

  An elf, noble and handsome.

  A dwarf, rough and tough and sporting an awesome beard.

  The sight of the two shopkeepers was a little overwhelming.

  True, I’d seen elves and dwarves at a distance before, but this was the first time I’d ever actually talked to them.

  My head was swiveling back and forth between them, my eyes sparkling with sheer awe at this fantasy world of wonders. But they didn’t seem to take it quite that way.

  “Look at all the trouble you’re causing my customer,” the elf said. “He wants to come see my merchandise, but he’s terrified by your intimidation tactics. Let him go, you nasty dwarf.”

  “What’s that?! I’ll tell ya why he’s upset—he’s tryna see what I’ve got, and you won’t let ’im be! He’s gonna buy from me, so why don’t ya shut that pretty face of yers and leave ’im in peace?”

  With a fight brewing, I started to panic.

  Come to think of it, all those old stories also mentioned that elves and dwarves didn’t get along very well.

  “P-please, both of you, don’t fight. I-I’ll buy! I’ll buy from both your stores, so calm down!”

  The dispute ended instantly, and the two shopkeepers smiled and chorused:

  ““Pleasure doing business with you!””

  “Did you see that, Kazuma?! Elves and dwarves really don’t get along! Just like in the stories my father used to read to me!”

  We left the souvenir shops behind, Darkness still bubbling with excitement.

  I ended up having to buy from both of them, but call it the price of a really interesting experience.

  I couldn’t shake the sense that I hadn’t had much of a choice making my purchases, but Darkness seemed happy enough to cart the mountain of buns around on her back. She planned to share them with her dad and the servants when she got home. This being her first real trip out of town, she was eager to bring something back for them.

  “They sure did fit your typical idea of elves and dwarves… Aww, man. I should’ve asked them about the best sights to see in town while we were buying these.”

  We were wandering around aimlessly, since neither of us knew anything about Arcanletia.

  I told Darkness to wait a moment and went back to the shops. But neither shopkeeper was anywhere to be seen. Had they gone on break or something?

  I peeked into one store and thought I heard a voice from inside.

  Definitely. It was the elf from earlier.

  …Wait a second. Is that the dwarf’s voice, too?

  No way…

  “Hey, I thought you said you’d stop fighti—!”

  Assuming they were continuing their argument from earlier, I leaped into the store…

  “Oh, hey, mister. I wish you wouldn’t come barging into our break room,” the elf said, with none of the elaborate politeness of before.

  …Wait. The elf… The elf…?

  The elf (?) shopkeeper seemed to notice where I was focused. He gave a self-conscious tug on his ears.

  “Oh, these? I know what you’re thinking, but believe me, I’m a real elf, okay? Definitely not a fake one.”

  His ears… They were round.

  They were basically as human as mine.

  He was sitting there next to the dwarf with a pair of stick-on ears resting on his knees.

  …And the dwarf was rubbing his very beardless chin.

  “What… What’s going on here?”

  The elf (?) and the dwarf (?) exchanged a glance at my perplexed question.

  “Well, you know. Forest elves have long ears because they stay away from humans. Elves like me, the ones who live in the human world? I mean, bloodlines mingle, and eventually you wind up with round ears. But then you try to tell customers you’re an elf, and no one believes you. Or they’re disappointed because you don’t look the way they imagined. So I decided to try to live up to the hype,” the elf explained.

  …What the heck? You better believe I was disappointed.

  The dwarf could tell, because he spoke up, too. “For me, there’s a question of sanitation. I run that souvenir shop until sundown, but nights and mornings I’m a cook for guests at one of the inns. And I can’t have a beard getting in all the food I’m trying to make, can I? …My, did you think we were still arguing? I’m sorry. That fight is just a little act we like to put on. I mean, everyone thinks elves and dwarves share such bad blood, right? We just ran with it.”

  It was like realizing that people at African tourist traps only held their spears when the tourists came around, then put them down and went back to their cell phones as soon as the gawkers were gone.

  I guess it was dumb of me to be so eager to find fantasy elements in this world.

  Both of them assumed apologetic expressions at my obvious disappointment.

  “Aww, I’m sorry,” the elf said. “Did I crush your dreams?”

  “I suppose it goes to show you shouldn’t assume, sir. There are dwarves with butterfingers in this world, just like there are elves who can’t use a bow.”

  “Yeah—like us!”

  The two of them burst into laughter.

  …I really, really hate this world.

  But let broken dreams lie. There was a reason I’d come here.

  “Forget it. Don’t worry, I won’t try to return the merchandise. I just want to know if you guys can recommend any good sightseeing spots around town.”

  The two of them looked at each other.

  “Sightseeing spots… Let’s see, until a little while ago there was a hot spring I would have gladly recommended…”

  “Oh yeah. If you’d come here just a bit sooner…”

  “…? Aren’t they all over the place? This is supposed to be a hot-springs town.”

  The elf gave a wag of his finger.

  “Ah, but this was a mixed bathing spot favored by young women.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  I took a step closer without realizing it.

  The dwarf answered, “Oh yeah. We used to love going there when work was over.”

  Sounds like an amazing place. I wonder why you can’t go there anymore.

  The elf, reading my expression, said, “Truth is, a lot of the hot springs around here just aren’t as good as they used to be.”

  …A drop-off in water quality?

  “Yep. Some of the people who used the baths got rashes or took ill. In the worst cases, they even lost consciousness. A specialist in hot-springs quality came in but never was able to figure out what was wrong.”

  I looked at the dwarf, who was wrinkling his brow.

  Why did I have the feeling I was about to get dragged into something unpleasant again?

  “—How’d it go? Is there anywhere good to see?”

  Darkness’s question reminded me what I’d actually gone back for. All the talk of mixed bathing had pushed it clear out of my head.

  “Uh… How about we start by just wandering over that way?” I suggested to a very puzzled Darkness.

  3

  As the two of us wandered, I took in the sights, holding a skewer that I’d gotten from a food stall.

  Canals crisscrossed the city, lending it an air of natural purity. Seemed like a nice place to live.

  …Then, a young woman stumbling along under a heavy-looking load appeared ahead of us.

  Darkness and I had moved to the side of the road, trying to make room for her, when…

  “Oh no! What am I going to do? I just bought these apples—!”

/>   Just as I was passing her, the girl lost her balance, and the contents of one of her shopping bags spilled onto the ground.

  The woman scrambled to pick up the fruits as they rolled away. Darkness and I knelt to help her.

  “Thank you so much! You’re a big help. I wish there was some way I could repay you…!”

  She nonchalantly dropped the shopping bags she’d been carrying so carefully, taking my arm.

  Oh man. This was a flag if I ever saw one.

  I didn’t have a great feeling about the situation, but I had to admit I was curious where this would lead.

  “The Axis Church runs a café just nearby,” the girl said. “Let’s go there and have a chat.”

  “…No thanks.”

  Darkness and I promptly turned to leave, but the girl grabbed us by the scruffs of our necks.

  “Oh, don’t be in such a hurry. I’m a fortune-teller, you know. Why not let me thank you by telling your future?”

  “N-no thanks… We’re all set, really… So let…go…!”

  I managed to bat her hand away from my collar and made to run, but she grabbed on to my waist instead.

  “I just figured out your fortune! If you go on like this, you will have very, very bad luck! But if you join the Axis Church, you can avoid it! So join now! Why not?”

  “My bad luck was meeting you! Lemme go! Darkness, help me!”

  Darkness gently grabbed the woman attached to my waist.

  She took a small charm from her neckline and showed it to the woman. It must have been a symbol that identified her as a follower of Eris. Sort of the way the Cross identifies Christians on Earth, I guess.

  “I’m sorry, but I already follow Our Lady Eris. If you want this man, you’ll have to take him from me.”

  “Ptoo!” The woman spat on the street. Then she wordlessly released me, picked up her bags, and rushed off.

  She looked back over her shoulder, apparently unaccustomed to such treatment.

  “…Ptoo.” She spat again and resumed making her exit.

  Hang on…

  “H-hey, Darkness. If… If the Axis and Eris Churches get that upset about each other, you ought to put that charm away… I mean, it’s not a big deal, but…,” I said, trying to be gentle with Darkness, who was still standing stiffly.

  “…Hrk…!”

  She grunted quietly and trembled.

  ……

  “…You’re kind of getting off on this.”

  “…Am not.”

  As Darkness and I walked along the relatively empty streets, suddenly a tough-looking guy and a cute young woman came running our way.

  “Ahhhhh! Help me! You two there, please help me! That awful man tried to drag me into a dark alley! He probably worships Eris…!”

  “Hah! Hey, mister! You’re no Axis follower, are you? Heh! If you’d been some big, bad disciple of the water goddess, I might’ve run away. But since you’re not, I think I’ll be just fine! I have the blessing of the Dark Goddess Eris herself, so just stay out of my way—or you’ll regret it!”

  “Oh! How awful! And I have these Axis Church sign-up papers right here! If only someone would sign their name, they could scare away this dreadful disciple of Eris!”

  ………

  I decided to pretend I hadn’t seen anything and began striding away quickly.

  “Oh, sir, please don’t abandon me! Don’t worry, if you just sign this paper, Lady Aqua will give you amazing powers of…something, and you’ll be super cool! This Eris follower will no doubt flee in terror!”

  “I sure will! Plus, if you join up, there are all sorts of mysterious perks. Some people get better at party tricks, and others suddenly find themselves very popular with the undead!”

  Darkness pulled out her charm again and showed it to them.

  “As you can see, I am an actual Eris follower. I’ll thank you not to refer to her as the Dark Goddess in my—”

  ““Ptoo!””

  Before Darkness could finish, the man and the woman both spat in the street and sped off.

  …Are all Axis people like this?

  Darkness stood wordless and stiff for a moment and then trembled.

  ……I could only assume she wasn’t representative of most Eris worshippers.

  And so it went.

  “Congratulations! You are the one millionth person to walk down this street! Take this commemorative doodad—sponsored by the Axis Church! You only need to sign your name here, right where it says ‘new believer.’”

  I grabbed Darkness and did a one-eighty before we stepped down that particular avenue.

  “…Huh? Is that you? Wow, I haven’t seen you in forever! It’s me! How have you been? Come on, you remember me! From school? We were in the same class? I guess maybe you wouldn’t recognize me—I’ve changed so much since I joined the Axis Church!”

  For starters, I didn’t go to school in this world. And at the school I did go to, I certainly never had any female friends close enough to talk to me like that. So I walked silently past the girl on the street.

  “…What’s with this town? For that matter, what’s with the Axis Church?”

  Darkness and I had finally lost our Axis hangers-on and, thoroughly tired, were relaxing at an open-air café.

  Darkness, sitting across from me, had encountered more than a little trouble thanks to the symbol of Eris hanging from her neck. Her cheeks were still red.

  The waitress brought our orders as I collapsed over the table.

  Plates arrived at our seat, accompanied by drinks.

  I sat up, ready to eat…

  “Oh, for our honored Eris-following customer. The owner sends this, with his regards.”

  So saying, the waitress set something at Darkness’s feet with a metallic clink.

  …It was a bowl of dog food.

  “Enjoy your meal!”

  The waitress smiled and bowed.

  Darkness was red and quivering.

  “…Kazuma. How about we all live in this town together?”

  “…Absolutely not.”

  I stood up, done with my meal, and dragged the blushing, wet-eyed Darkness back to our hotel.

  This place was weird in a number of ways.

  …Speaking of which, as we were heading home, a girl, maybe about ten years old, came trotting up to us.

  Then suddenly, she tripped and fell.

  Darkness and I rushed over to her, whereupon she said painfully, “Oh… Thank you so much, miss and sir.”

  Then she smiled. I felt my bitter, cynical heart starting to heal.

  “Are you all right?” I asked. “You should be more careful. Here, can you stand?”

  I held out my hand to the girl, who took it happily. That guileless, innocent smile was doing my soul some serious good.

  “Yes, I’m fine now! Thank you! …You’re so nice, mister. Could you tell me your name?”

  “It’s Kazuma. Kazuma Satou. And this scary-looking lady is Darkness.”

  Darkness gave me a gentle smack on the side of the head.

  At that, the girl took out a pen and a sheet of paper.

  “Kazuma Satou? How do you spell that? Could you write it down for me?”

  “Sure, it’s spelled…”

  I took the piece of paper, only to notice the words written at the top:

  AXIS CHURCH SIGN-UP SHEET

  “Damn it all to hellllll!”

  “Mister! Misterrrr!”

  I ripped the paper clean in two.

  4

  The Axis Church.

  With the exception of this town, this extremely minor sect was overshadowed by the Eris faith, which essentially served as the state religion.

  Despite its size, though, it was remarkably well-known. If bandits on the road were to attack you, you could just tell them you were a member of the Axis Church. Your assailants would almost certainly flee in sheer terror.

  That was just how scared people were of these fanatics. Even the Demon King’s army supposedly k
ept its distance.

  And at that moment…

  “Dammit! Who’s in charge here?! I’m gonna give them a piece of my mind!”

  I had just charged into the church that served as Axis headquarters.

  “Goodness, what seems to be the matter? Are you here to be initiated? Baptized? Or was it me you wanted?”

  Inside the church, there was just one woman, sweeping the floor.

  There was no one else there.

  “Y-you… I mean…”

  “Oh, don’t be embarrassed; I’m only kidding. So serious. What were you expecting from a woman you just met? Maybe you should get your head examined.”

  I resisted the urge to punch this Axis nutjob right in the face.

  “So, what does bring you here? Our high priest, Father Zesta, and all the other evangelists are currently out playing arou… I mean, working hard to spread the name of Our Lady Aqua. If you’re looking for somebody, perhaps you could come back later…”

  “Wait, no way did you just say that. They do all that obnoxious stuff basically for fun?! …Never mind. Did a girl with a bandage over her eye and an Arch-priest with light-blue hair come by here? They’re my friends.”

  The woman kept sweeping.

  “Oh, they’re friends of yours? Both of them are inside.”

  Deeper within the church? What are they doing there?

  The woman cocked her head.

  “By the way, your other friend…the one those children are throwing stones at. Is she going to be all right?”

  “Huh? Ahh! Hey, you dumb kids, what do you think you’re doing?! Get out of here, go!”

  Darkness was in the fetal position just outside the church door, surrounded by children who were hurling rocks at her. I hurried to chase them away.

  “K-Kazuma, l-levels are high in this town… Even the little girls overpowered me…! I don’t think I’m going to survive…!”

  “Just stay off the streets, for all our sakes. And put that Eris charm away already.”

  “No.”

  With my stubborn Eris-following fellow in tow, I went back into the church.

  The woman inside indicated with her eyes a small room deeper in.

  It was a little space just off the main entrance.

  Huh. A confessional, basically.

  “One of your friends is in there. As all our priests are away right now, we asked your honored Arch-priest to handle the confession booth.”