Day of Atonement

by Yolonda Tonette Sanders

  “It’s called forgiveness. Try it!”

  “I wanna go downstairs!” This time Nate was crying.

  Natalie tried to appease him by giving him her iPad so he could take over her game. That didn’t work. Neither did her suggestion of Angry Birds, which Nate generally liked to play. He shoved the iPad aside and kept crying.

  Troy knew being here with his dad was a bad idea. No, it was beyond a bad idea. It was a horrible one. The stupidest thing he had ever let his mom talk him into doing. He wanted out of the house. He needed out of there. Too many negative memories of his mom swollen and bruised and his sister screaming her head off. The stress of those occurrences and the emotional buildup from witnessing Lilly have two meltdowns, plus the guilt he felt about Elana and the determination he had to find the person responsible for her death, all seemed to be colliding at once. Like a Boa constrictor wrapped around its prey, the pressure of these things were squeezing the life out of him. He needed to get out of this house, away from his dad, and get some fresh air. And he was taking his family with him!

  “Get up and let’s go now!” Troy screamed at the top of his lungs and kicked the trash can across the room. Natalie gasped and Nate clung to her crying frantically in a manner that Troy had never seen before.

  His mom ran into the room. “What’s goin’ on in here?”

  Troy stood frozen, in shock that he had put that look of fear on his son’s face. He knew that look all too well. He’d seen it on Tracy’s face when their father went into his rages. And the anger in Natalie’s eyes toward him, he was sure resembled the way his eyes had bore into his father. Troy always felt that his father was wrong for coming home and yelling so viciously at his mom in front of him and Tracy. Yet, Troy had barged into the room exhibiting that same abusive-like behavior. Behavior he now deeply regretted and hoped would not be seared into the mind of his young son.

  Troy’s mom grabbed a screaming Nate from the bed and left the room. Troy didn’t catch everything she said on her way out, but in so many words, she colorfully told him what she thought of his behavior.

  Natalie continued to glare at him. He read her expression effortlessly. Confusion…anger…hurt. Of the three, it was the hurt that bothered him the most. The intensity of her gaze was only softened by the tears he saw filling her big brown eyes. He genuinely loved her and pain was the last thing he ever wanted to cause her. His mom was right. He was a dumb butt. He deserved every foul word she’d said to him. He couldn’t even get upset that she’d said them in front of Nate. He’d done worse. “Natalie,” he said softly, walking gently toward her, “I’m sorry, babe.”

  She remained quiet. Tears spoke in her place.

  He sat next to her and pulled her into his arms. Her body was tense. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I have a lot on my mind, but that’s no excuse for the way I talked to you. I should have never done that at all and I definitely should not have done that in front of Nate.”

  She cried into his shoulder. Whether this was her natural response to his behavior or her hormones, he didn’t care. He’d caused a deep wound to her heart and it was his responsibility to repair it. He would hold her until it healed. No matter how long the process would take.

  Chapter 11: Current Movement

  Natalie and Troy stayed up half the night talking. There was no arguing, simply a good heart-to-heart between husband and wife about what had taken place between them. Without making excuses for his behavior, Troy explained to her what had been going through his mind and how concerned he was about Lilly.

  “I’m worried about how she’s going to handle the service,” he told her and then described her two meltdowns. The first was at the funeral home. The second, after he and Elvin had come from meeting with the private investigator. “Lilly had gotten herself stirred up again by thinking about all the things that Elana possibly went through. She’d worked herself into an emotional frenzy to the point where Elvin and I had to stronghold her until she calmed down. That happened right before you called and I could not tell you what was going on at the time.”

  Natalie felt bad. “I’m sorry. I’m sure I didn’t make the situation any easier for you by calling like I did.”

  “You’re cool. You have to remember that when I am working, I’m not always going to be able to answer your phone calls.”

  Natalie wanted to remind him that he wasn’t working. He was on vacation, but she thought it might sound callous. She told him about her day and how his mama worked her nerves about the purse thing. “Has she always been like this?”

  “As long as I can remember. I never gave it much thought.”

  Natalie had been struggling with how to approach Troy about his relationship with Reed. He helped her segue into it when he mentioned having to talk to Nate first thing in the morning.

  “How do I explain to a three-year-old what happened? I feel like I have shattered his trust.”

  “Oh, I don’t think it’s that deep. You scared him half to death for sure, but you guys will be all right. Tell him that his daddy had a big temper tantrum, apologize, and ask for his forgiveness. Then show him that Daddy is a changed man through your actions.”

  “It’s that simple, huh?’

  “It can be. The best way to teach your son forgiveness is to demonstrate it for him.” She ignored the tension in his jaw line and chose her words carefully. “You’re angry about how Reed treated Diane and I absolutely agree with you that it was wrong. Troy, it could have been much worse. There are fathers who beat and sexually abuse their own children. He never laid a hand on you guys. That’s at least something to be thankful for. You blame him for everything, but your mom has to bear some of the responsibility. She’s the one who continually allowed you and Tracy to be subjected to his behavior by staying with him.”

  “So, now you’re trying to make me mad at my mama?”

  He was joking. Perhaps a sign that Natalie was getting through to him. “No, silly. My point is that you need to consider all sides of the story. Reed was not perfect, but I’m sure your mother wasn’t either.” Natalie was uncomfortable by Troy’s blank stare. She had to look away, afraid that somehow he would read her mind and uncover the secret Diane had shared with her about Henry. “No one is perfect. You proved that tonight by coming in here acting like a lunatic.”

  “It’s called forgiveness. Try it,” he teased, repeating the words she’d thrown at him hours earlier.

  She chuckled. “I do forgive you. How would you feel if you sincerely asked and I wouldn’t give you the time of day?”

  “My dad has not asked me.”

  “You haven’t given him the chance. Besides, didn’t you hear that prayer this morning? He wasn’t only asking Jesus, he was asking you. Will you do your mom and me a favor and please talk to him?”

  “Do I have to?” He pouted like their son when being instructed to do something against his will.

  “Do it for Nate. He needs to see you positively interact with his grandfather. Like it or not, Reed is all he has.”

  “What about Richard?”

  Richard was a friend of Troy’s and had also been Natalie’s mom’s boyfriend at one time. He was the one who introduced them to each other, initially oblivious of the sparks that ignited between them. Richard was now married to Natalie’s godmother and the two of them did act as surrogate grandparents to Nate, which Natalie appreciated. “You and I both know that Richard and Sylvia will always be there for Nate. There’s room in his heart for your dad as well. So, will you talk to him?”

  “Sure, Natalie.” Troy seemed as enthusiastic as someone signing a contract with a gun pointed to his head.

  She smiled warmly at him, rubbing his thigh as reassurance that all would be okay. The way she saw it, Troy should be thankful he still had a father. She’d give anything for a chance to talk to her daddy again. He was only in her life for five years before he died. He lived in her heart forever.

  “Can we stop talking about my dad now? I’m tired.”


  Natalie glanced at the clock. It was almost two in the morning! “I didn’t realize it was so late. I know this sounds bad, but I’m so glad we get to attend Bedside Baptist in the morning. I don’t think I would have the strength to get up for church. I am pooped.”

  Before moving to the other side of the bed, Troy once again pulled Natalie into him. He hugged her tight. She felt at ease in the arms of the man whose desire to protect his family was so strong that it sometimes got in the way of good judgment. “My protective detective,” she whispered.

  “I love you, babe. Again, I’m sorry about tonight.”

  “Shh. It’s over. Let’s move on.”

  He lifted her chin and greedily took her mouth into his. She matched his fervor. After four-and-a-half years of marriage, almost three kids, and a little bit of drama, Troy’s kisses still had the power to flutter her stomach. Wait…the current movement was due more to her active incubating twins than his kiss. Maybe a combination of both.

  “There’s only one thing left to do to make this argument mirror the others we have had,” he said once they stopped devouring each other’s lips and paused for air.

  “What’s that?”

  “Make-up sex.” He smiled cunningly.

  “Good night, Troy.”

  Chapter 12: The Umpteenth Time

  Morning came quicker than Troy anticipated or wanted. He hadn’t really slept amidst the tossing and turning during the night, wondering exactly what he would say to Nate…to his father. As much as he loathed his dad, it seemed it would be easier to talk to him than with his son. The memory of the look in Nate’s eyes pained him in the same manner, maybe even worse, than Natalie’s. Troy always prided himself on being a better father than his own. Last night he’d failed miserably and that would be sure to bother him for quite some time.

  Troy had been devoting more time to learning the Bible ever since coming head-to-head this past summer with a serial killer who had used scriptures to justify murder. Of course, Troy knew that the killer’s rationalizations were erroneous. Still, he learned the importance of studying the Word for himself so he could correctly apply its principles to his life as Paul instructed in 2 Timothy 2:15. Last night he’d neglected to practice any of the many scriptures that warned against out-of-control anger such as Proverbs 29:22. An angry man stirs up strife, and a furious man abounds in transgression. Troy had done both.

  For all of these years, Troy had felt justified in his disdain toward his father. Natalie did make a good point in saying that his dad had never laid a hand on him or his sister. Except for the time when Troy jumped in to help his mom, his father had never even threatened him. Still, that didn’t excuse his overall behavior and yet Natalie’s words, “The best way to teach your son forgiveness is to demonstrate it for him,” weighed on his heart. Even though Troy knew forgiveness was something Jesus demanded, it was the desire to be a good example for Nate that motivated Troy to at least try and let the past go.

  Might as well get this over with, Troy said to himself after hearing heavy footsteps descending the stairs. He had promised Natalie that he would talk to his father and Troy knew she would not relent until he kept it. And he had to do it now. It could not hang over his head as Elana was depending on him. He needed a clear mind in order to find the evidence needed to put away her killer.

  Troy slid his arm from underneath Natalie, who did not stir, threw on some pants, and made a pit stop at the bathroom. Before heading to the kitchen, he peeked in on Nate who had slept in Tracy’s old room. Like his mama, lil’ man did not stir. Troy stared at him for a few moments as a flood of emotions filled him. Nate deserved better and from here on out, he would get it.

  Closing the door, Troy walked down the stairs. The closer he got to the kitchen, the slower his pace. Why? That was the one question he would ask his father. The one question he had to ask his dad, even knowing that there would never be a satisfying answer. Nothing the man said would adequately explain why his father had treated his mom in such a horrible manner.

  Troy stepped into the kitchen, realizing that he would have to wait to interrogate his dad because it was his mom who he had heard that morning. “Hey,” Troy said, walking over to assist her in putting up dishes from the dishwasher.

  She looked up at him without Christmas season jollies running through her veins. She happened to be holding a knife at that time as well. “Don’t ‘hey’ me. I’m so pissed at you right now; I don’t know what to do.”

  “Please don’t stab me.” He smiled, hoping his charm would calm her nerves. It didn’t.

  “You think you did somethin’ cute last night comin’ in here actin’ like a fool?” The force with which she continued to unload the dishwasher intensified as she continued talking. “You need to get over the issues you have with your father. You have a lot of nerve comin’ into this house, his house, bein’ disrespectful.”

  This coming from the woman who’s proud to say she went off on a man with Alzheimer’s?

  “I was tellin’ Natalie yesterday how proud of you I am because you’re a good husband and father and then you come in and show you’re a—”

  “Mama!” Troy was sure she was about to throw the plate in her hand. “Watch what you’re doing.”

  She put it on the counter and slammed the dishwasher shut without emptying it further. She stood with her arms folded staring at him. There was that look again. The look of disappointment from someone he loved.

  “Mama, I’m sorry.” He reached out for her. Despite her resistance, he held her anyhow, feeling her body relax ever so slightly. “I did not mean to upset you.”

  After taking several deep breaths in his arms, she broke away.

  “I’m sorry,” Troy repeated, hating the glossiness coming from her eyes. This was unusual as his mom was a long way from his sensitive, sometimes overly emotional wife. Both her inner and outer toughness were often portrayed through her eyes. Hardened eyes that had likely seen the unimaginable, witnessed the unforgiveable, and yet still held hope for the impossible. “Why?” Troy found himself asking his mom the question he had intended for his dad.

  “Why what?”

  “Why did you stay with him after all he’d put you through? I don’t understand why you kept Tracy and me in this environment.”

  She shook her head, sighing as she walked past him to sit at the small kitchen table. “The one thing I do regret—that your father and I both regret—is not settin’ better examples for you and your sister. I often wonder if you went to Ohio after high school to get as far away from here as possible.”

  Troy wouldn’t doubt that subconsciously he might have been running away, but he also recalled how bad he’d felt leaving Tracy behind. He went to Ohio because that was the best opportunity for him at the time. He would have never made such a drastic move simply to escape knowing his baby sister would be left behind.

  “Last night I realized that part of the reason you hate your dad so much is because of me and my big mouth.” Her voice was soft, speaking like she was having this conversation with herself and he happened to be nearby. “I know I couldn’t shield you from everything he did, but there was a lot that you wouldn’t have known had I not told you. The most important thing is that I’m with him now because I love him and I truly believe he has changed. He’s been livin’ here since last spring. I swear I think this is the longest we have ever gone without separatin’ for at least a few weeks.”

  “What kind of marriage is that? Why do you still want to be with someone with whom you have more bad memories than you have good ones? All he’s ever done is cheat on and beat you. You have been such a good wife to him.”

  She smirked. “Have a seat, son. I have wrongly allowed you to put me on a pedestal all these years. You only know about your dad’s wrongs, but I have not been perfect. Your father is not the only one who has been unfaithful.”

  “Stop, Mama. You don’t have to make yourself look bad in order to make him appear better. I’m sure he drove you to it.”


  “There you go vilifyin’ him without all the facts. I am not in the mood to sugarcoat things for you, so I’m goin’ to tell it like it is. Throughout our entire relationship we both have cheated on each other, even before we were married. In fact, he married me not knowin’ for sure you were his child.”

  “What are you saying?” Troy had wished for many years that Reed Evans was not his father. Yet, now faced with the possibility, he didn’t feel relief. He felt empty…lost, like his entire identity would be stripped from him.

  “Relax, he’s your father. It was confirmed a long time ago through a blood test. What I’m tryin’ to tell you is that he took care of you even before he was legally obligated to do so. That right there should tell you that he’s not all that bad. Yeah, he was a drunk, but he still took care of business. When I told the other guy I was seein’ that I was pregnant, he all but left town. He wasn’t tryin’ to marry me. Back then, that’s what a girl had to do when she got knocked up. Even knowin’ the circumstances, Reed refused to leave me hangin’. Sort of like Joseph stepped up when Mary was pregnant, except in my case I can’t quite claim Immaculate Conception.”

  It came as no surprise to Troy that his mom had a shot gun wedding. He pretty much figured that out as a child through simple mathematics of calculating their wedding date and his birthday. The other details, though, were shocking.

  “I have stayed with your dad because I always knew he was a good man. True, we have never had a perfect relationship. We have fought like cats and dogs, and have both done things to hurt each other, but we’re older now. It’s high time that we both grow up and your dad has done that. He has stopped drinkin’ and I see the changes in him. He is really tryin’ and the last thing he needs is for you to come in here actin’ crazy because he was playin’ with Nate. Give him a chance. Please.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said for what seemed like the umpteenth time.