by Heather Anne
"So close, baby. I can feel you quivering against my cock. I need you to give me one more." I moan or groan I don't even know what, I’m so fucking out of it.
He’s rocking me harder, playing with my clit some more and I start to quake. I see spots in front of my eyes and a growl comes out from deep inside my chest when we both let go.
I am spent. My legs are like jelly, my body still shuddering.
Shit.
That was better than I remembered. Sex with Grayson was always good but something about tonight feels different. He kisses me with so much passion then gets up and heads to the bathroom. He comes back with a warm washcloth and cleans me up. He pulls me so my head is in the crook of his arm and this is the first time we are cuddling after sex... in a bed. I snuggle deeper and he kisses my forehead. Neither one of us says anything and my eyes drift shut.
I have no idea what time it is when I wake up. My heart starts to race, my head spinning when I realize I’m in bed alone. No. No. No. Please tell me he didn't leave. I listen for a minute. Nothing but silence.
I let out a strangled sob and my door bursts open and Grayson is next to me in a heartbeat. He looks scared and concerned. He wraps me up in arms and I pull back and kiss him with everything in me. Telling him that we got this.
"What happened?" He breaks the kiss; I can’t help the cheesy grin that appears on my face.
"Nothing," I say, still smiling.
"Then what is it?" He looks down at me confused by the tears welling in my eyes.
"You stayed."
Chapter Thirty-Eight
I pull her closer. "Yeah, sweet girl. I stayed."
Wrapping her arms around my middle, she hugs me close. "When I woke up, you weren't here."
"Yeah, I couldn't sleep so I went to the kitchen.”
"What time is it?"
"Six thirty.” She pulls away from me to lay back down. I follow suit, pulling her body so it’s flush with mine.
"How long have you been awake?"
"A few hours." I know she’ll worry if I tell her I haven't slept at all.
I laid there for hours watching her sleep, finding solace in the steady rhythm of her breathing. I want to crawl out of my own skin. I feel like shit and just want it to go away. I’m starting to withdrawal and it fucking blows. I never went through them this intense, this fast, but then again, I used more than I ever have in this past week or two.
Anything I could get my hands on, I used. Anything I could snort, smoke, or swallow I took without question. I need to stop this cycle but I can't do it alone. I know that now. I did a lot of thinking when Skylar was sleeping. That heavy burden of weight on my shoulders is finally lifting.
"I called Trevor."
She takes in a heavy breath as she cuddles closer to me, taking my hand. "When do you leave?"
"Tomorrow."
"For how long?"
"It's an intensive ninety-day program."
I hear a soft sniffle. "I hate that you are leaving but I’m so dammed proud of you for it at the same time, if that makes sense."
"No, I get it." I pull her down so she is half on top of me, wrapping my arms around her.
"You have a lot of work to do, Gray," she says and I nod.
"I just don't know how to get off of this road I’ve been on and stay off of it." Sensing my fear, she props herself up so she can look at me but I can't meet her eyes.
"The road was cracked and broken but you know what?" she asks with a soft half smile. "You're just on a fractured path." I lift my head and meet her eyes which are filled with warmth. "You dodged the cracks, avoided the holes, and I promise you, if you do this, your road will become smooth again and the joy that finds you when you get to the end," she presses a soft kiss to my lips, "well that's the true beauty of being alive."
I feel sweat bead on my forehead and a lump form in my throat. I have no words for her. I have no idea what the fuck she sees in me that she’s willing to accept me and all my issues. I want to tell her that I hope she will be at the end of that road waiting for me, but I have no right to ask her that, especially not knowing who I am without being high.
I push my lips into hers. I need to kiss her as much as I can because a part me is telling me this is the last bit of time I have with her. Maybe not just for three months but forever. She pulls back to look at me. I see so much hope and even love shining in the steel depths.
"Grayson, I," she starts to say and I cut her off.
"Please don't." She looks puzzled.
Even though I’m not sure if she's about to tell me she loves me or assure me she’ll here when I get back, I don't want to know. She deserves someone who can give her all of them and right now, I’m m not that person. Even without the drugs, I don't know if I ever will be that guy.
"God Sky, there’s so much I wish I could say to you right now, but I can't. My head is so fucked up right now I don't even know how I feel. Every moment we spent together, minus a few weeks, I was high or coming off of a high. I don't know who I am without that stuff," I say with my eyes closed, not wanting to see the pain I’m sure is etched on her face.
I feel her small hand rub the stubble on my jaw. I hesitate in opening my eyes but when I do, all I see is understanding behind her unshed tears. She feels for me. I feel for her. It pisses me the fuck off that I cannot tell her what I think I feel for her because if it happens, I don't want it be clouded with drug withdrawals, with guilt or with the pain of the goodbye that we both know is coming, so instead, I just savor the moment.
Pulling her close to me, I gently kiss her lips. My mouth feels like cotton; my body feels like it's been hit by a truck so sex is out of the question. Right now, it’s about us. It’s about me holding her as close as I can and her letting me. It's about letting go in the hopes of being in a better place in a few months. It about facing our fears together.
She snuggles close into the crook of my neck and this is what I want my future to be. It has to be her. Waking up to her every morning, joking around with her, watching her as she reads and when she crinkles her nose when she has that first taste of her morning coffee. I need to get my shit together and hopefully, when I have done that, she will still be there.
I try not think about it as my body starts to shudder with chills. Panic hits me. The reality that this is the longest my body has been without drugs in a while. I’m about to face so much pain that my first instinct is to run, but my girl, yeah my girl because even though I can’t voice it right now, Skylar is mine. She has been since that first night I took her. She's known it for a while and although I have known it too, it's taken me a while to accept it.
"Grayson Davis," she says softly, "don't run away.”
"Mmhmm," I say with my eyes closed.
"You have been running away for so long, Gray. Think of something you want and run towards that instead.” She doesn't say anything else. She just cuddles closer while I hold her tighter.
It's her I will be running to as soon as I’m able to stop looking at myself through my own eyes and can start looking at myself through hers or through my siblings’. I’m a lucky bastard but I was just too blind to see it. I drift off to sleep with my future in my arms, ready to face anything as long as I have her strength to guide me.
I wake up with a start, thanks to my lurching stomach. I throw her off of me and haul ass to bathroom where I proceed to throw up what little is in my stomach. I start to shake uncontrollably, feeling so cold yet sweating like a pig. I feel a soft hand on my back as I brace myself over the toilet and the bile continues to spill from me.
I should feel ashamed and humiliated, but I don’t. For some reason, with her, it's ok for her to see me like this. She knows all of my secrets now and I will continue to let her see whoever the real me is at the moment.
I dry heave for a while longer. I have nothing left. My mouth tastes awful, my throat is raw. I feel a cool cloth at the back of my neck when I fold my arms over the rim of the toilet and lay my head down, which is now
pounding. Though I’m already cold, the soft cloth is relieving. I let her wipe the back of my neck then lift my head so she can wipe the seat off of my forehead and face.
"Can you stand?" Her voice is gentle and I nod as she helps me to my feet.
"Trevor will be here soon." She puts toothpaste on the toothbrush I had used earlier and hands it to me. When I am finished, she wraps her arm around me, guiding me out the door.
"Let's get you settled on the couch. Landon will have clean clothes for you so you can shower and clean up then."
I just nod.
I feel like ass and just want to sleep. I lay down on her couch and she wraps me in a blanket and heads into the kitchen. The shakiness of my body and the pounding in my head has gotten much worse. I can hear her on the phone.
"Chills, no fever." She pauses. "He threw up everything he had in him. Do you think I can give him some ginger tea?" Her voice fades into nothingness.
When I wake up, I’m laying on the couch but my head is on Skylar's lap. She is aimlessly running her fingers through my hair, her touch soothing. I push up to a sitting position and crack my neck.
"How long have I been out?" My voice is raspy, my body is aching something fierce.
"Just a half hour. Trevor just got here." He emerges from the kitchen with a steaming cup of something that smells terrible.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like my face just met an 18 wheeler," I groan and he chuckles. I give him the stink eye and he hands me the mug.
"Ginger root tea. It will help settle your stomach. And take these." He hands me three pills, two white ones and flat yellow one.
"Take these two first. Its prescription strength Ibuprofen, will help with the headache." I take the pills and a sip from the scalding liquid that has almost a spicy taste to it. I force myself to swallow and continue to sip the tea. He takes the mug handing me the yellow pill.
"Anti-nausea. Let it dissolve in your mouth," he instructs and I oblige.
"So you need to watch yourself over the next 24 hours. A bed won't be open till the morning and seizures can occur from withdrawals." He looks to Skylar. "I can take him with me if you want."
"No," she interrupts, her voice stern. "I know the drill, Trevor. I got this." He nods and starts explaining the program.
"The facility has a detox unit. You will go there first. Once you are deemed healthy enough, you will join the rest of the patients. The program includes intense therapy, both individual and group. There will be one family session a month. It is a twelve step based program so meetings will be brought in and you are required to attend them all."
I nod.
"Visiting hours are on Saturdays for two hours." Skylar smiles and I frown. Trevor and I talked about this on the phone and I know it's going to hurt her.
"Listen, Gray and I talked and I made a suggestion that I don't know if you are going to like," he says to her.
"Okay?"
"I don’t think you guys should have any contact while he is away." I look at her and she closes her eyes, I can tell she is trying to hide to tears. I put my arm around her, pulling her to me so her head rests on my shoulder.
"For ninety days?" she asks.
"Yeah. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I need to do this on my own, for me. I want to be able to sort through everything with a clear head."
Shit. That sounds a lot harsher than I mean it to.
"Remember what I told you about how I felt earlier?" She nods.
“I know I care about you so much, Skylar. I want to be one hundred percent when I get done there. I don’t want you to have to change your life, your routine, for me.”
"I understand," she says and hugs me close. "I don't like it at all, but I get it. I do. I want you whole, Grayson. If that means you need to step away from this," she waves her hand between us, "then even though it hurts that I can’t help you, I accept it." I place a kiss on her temple.
“I don't think you realize how hard not even being able to hear your voice is going to be for me," I whisper. "But it has to be done this way. I’ve tried to do things my way for so long and look at where it got me.” She hugs close to me and I can feel the relief falling off of her.
"I care about you so much, sweet girl."
"Me too," she whispers. I lean over and give her a chaste kiss on those soft lips.
We are interrupted by banging on the door. Trevor opens it up and the entire Davis clan comes barreling through.
"I brought your shit," Landon says, dropping a duffle bag on the floor. Madison comes over to the couch and leans down to give me a hug.
"I am so glad you’re safe, big brother." Her voice cracks. She leans over to Skylar. "Thank you," she cries and Skylar hugs her tight. When she pulls back, both of the girls have tears in their eyes.
"Ok, so what the fuck are we doing here?" Hudson says, leaning on the front door, arms crossed over his chest. I swear every time I see him, his arms get bigger.
"I leave tomorrow for a ninety-day intensive rehabilitation program," I say, feeling some of the tension start to break.
"Are you for real?" he asks, pain in his eyes.
"Yeah man, I’ve had enough." I look to Camden, remembering the conversation we had when I crashed my car.
Trevor goes on to explain the program and everyone is on board with the family sessions except for Hudson. He just grunts and mumbles something.
"Ok, now that I have clothes, I need a shower," I say, eyeing my duffle bag.
"Someone should go with him and keep an eye on him," Trevor advises.
"Seriously?" I roll my eyes.
"Yeah, withdrawals are serious, Gray. We talked about this." I nod and Landon offers to help me. I lean over to kiss Skylar's cheek.
"I’ll be back." She smiles, squeezing my hand. Landon takes my arm and helps me to the bathroom.
"So, you’re really doing this?" His eyes are hopeful.
"Yeah. I want my life back." The smile that adorns his face shows me that for the first time in forever, he knows I am telling the truth.
Just as Landon is about to close the door, I hear raised voices and a pissed off Skylar.
"Take your self-righteous ass and get the fuck out of my house! NOW!"
Chapter Thirty-Nine
I watch Grayson and Landon head to the bathroom and make my way to the kitchen. I brace myself against the sink and take a breath. No contact for three months. That means three months of worrying. Three months of not knowing how he’s handling things. When I think about it, I know three months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but try telling that to my heart.
To my heart, three months feels like forever. Seeing Grayson go through the withdrawal is fucking killing me. I want to take it all away from him, but I can't. There should be another word created to describe the level of helplessness I feel right now. To see him struggle with his feelings for me fucking blows.
I know he loves me. I can feel it every time he’s in the same room as me. But if he needs time away to figure it out on his own, then I‘ll give him as much as he needs. Even though it’s killing me, I know that what he is doing is so hard and so brave. I will not be the one to push him down, I want to be the one to help him up, despite how heartbroken I feel right now.
"You better not be like those assholes and enable him." Hudson's harsh voice breaks through my thoughts.
"Excuse me?"
"Letting him off the hook, taking care of him. What do you think you’re doing, Skylar?"
"Are you fucking serious right now?"
"Dead."
"How dare you, you son of bitch! I haven’t pushed him. I haven’t given him money. I haven’t coddled him no matter how much I wanted to every time I saw him, or even thought about him, since the night you kicked his ass." I‘m seething and every barrier covering my emotions break.
"If someone didn't get him off the beach, he would have died. You have no fucking idea what he’s going through. How fucking hard he’s going to have to wor
k to get better, yet you stand here in my fucking kitchen talking about something you really know nothing about."
"I know everything about it. I know that all he’s done for the past almost five years is hurt people. He's a selfish motherfucker who only cares about himself. I feel sorry for you if you think he’s going to change. He’s just going to take you down with him," Hudson grits out and I am done.
Tears sting my eyes and I cannot stop everything from just coming out. "How could he, when he doesn't have the support of the people who he loves the most in the world? When those people tell him he is never going to make it? You may be a badass fighter, but you are weak."
His mouth opens. "Weak? Fuck no, I am not weak."
"It takes a strong person to put their shit aside and help someone else no matter how much they hurt you. It takes a strong person to put the past aside and focus on what needs to be done in the here and now, and it takes the strongest person to be able to fill their heart with compassion and not resentment. There is strength in forgiveness, Hudson, and given the fact you have none, that makes you the weakest person I know. Grayson leaves tomorrow. He’s in for the biggest battle of his life, so if you’re just going to throw jabs and dirty looks at him, then you don't need to be here. You can take your self-righteous ass out of my fucking house! NOW!"
I’m yelling. I’m crying. I’m shaking with an anger like I have never felt. Feeling strong arms wrap around me, I slump over and let it out. Carson holds me and I just cry. I cry for me. I cry for Grayson. I cry for his family and for his loss. I cry for Tim and the life I used to know.
Everything comes crashing into me like a tidal wave of feelings and I finally let it go. Really let it go. All the emotions that have been consuming me for the past year, especially the past few months, come to the surface and it is the most cleansing thing that could happen.
"You need to leave," I hear Camden say to Hudson.
"Are you really kicking me out?" Hudson is pissed.
"Just go home, cool down, and if you want to come in the morning and stand with us as a family to say goodbye to our brother, well that's up to you. Trevor says they leave at ten." I hear Hudson take a breath and shortly after, the front door closes. Wiping my eyes, I look up at Carson.
