by Heather Anne
"Thanks."
"No problem, now go over there and assure my brother that you are ok. He looks like he's about to hit something but I’m pretty sure he would fall over if he tried." I roll my eyes at him and look to the hallway where I see Grayson propping himself up against the entry.
He looks ashen, covered in sweat, and I feel like such a bitch for what just transpired. I walk over to him, nodding at Landon as I pass him, and wrap my arms around Grayson.
"I’m so sorry," I say and Grayson pulls me to him, but I notice he doesn’t have much strength.
"Nothing to be sorry about. The thing with Hudson is just something I can add to the list of things I need to make right."
"You will."
"You think?"
"I do. He's your brother and he loves you. He’s just hurting right now."
"God, how can you be so understanding?"
I shrug. "Go get cleaned up. You look like hell," I say.
"I feel it." He places a kiss on my forehead and starts to hold onto the wall for support as he makes his way back to the bathroom. Landon rushes over and wraps an around Grayson's waist and Grayson drapes his arm around his brother's shoulder and they disappear into the bathroom.
"Don't listen to Hudson." Camden comes up and wraps an arm around my shoulder, guiding me to the living room.
"Sit. You look exhausted, Sky," he says.
"You didn't enable him, Skylar. If anyone did, it was us," Madison chimes in.
"How so?"
"You had no idea about the drugs and, when you found out, you didn't ignore it but you didn’t allow him to manipulate you either. You kept your distance and didn't feed into your feelings for him. With us, well, we have known all along and pretty much allowed it. Swept everything he did under the rug. He never had any consequences because we didn't let him. But losing you, that was the catalyst he needed to get to this point. I’ve never seen him so determined."
"He came to the decision all on his own. All I did was get him off the beach and feed him."
"You did more than that, Sky," Camden says.
"I did?" I have no idea what he is talking about.
"Yeah. With everything he said to you and everything he did to us, there was one thing you did through it all better than we could have done."
"What's that?"
"Love him," he says and the tears start to flow again.
When I say those words for the first time, it’s not going to be to his brother. Grayson was right in not wanting anything to cloud our feelings. When the timing is right, we will get to all of that, but right now, the main focus needs to be getting Grayson well. I nod in response and go back to my bedroom. I lay on my bed, needing to get away from it all, the emotional and physical exhaustion overtaking me. I roll to the side of the bed that smells like Grayson and close my eyes.
I wake to hear muffled voices coming from the living room. I wipe the sleep from my eyes and trudge down the hall. Grayson is asleep on the couch, his feet lying across Madison's lap.
"How is he?" I ask.
"Eh, he's been in and out of sleep. He was worried about you but I told him you needed some space."
"Thank you." I look at the clock and see it’s five at night.
"Pizza will be here soon," Carson adds from the recliner he is laying on.
It's pizza for us and chicken broth for Grayson which he manages to keep down. By the time everyone leaves with reassurances that they will be here in the morning to see Grayson off, both of us are ready to crash. Grayson starts to scratch his ribs in a furious up and down motion.
"Ugh, I hate this," he says
"What?"
"The pills I was taking are like a synthetic heroin. Withdrawal is a bitch. I’m so itchy," he says in almost a whine.
"Will a shower help?" He nods and we make our way to the bathroom. I start the water and help Grayson undress. He almost looks humiliated
"Hey," I say as I push his pants down. "No reason to be ashamed in needing a little help. Trust me, I am not minding at all." I waggle my eyebrows as his boxer briefs come off, making him laugh.
"Sorry dear, not tonight, I have a headache," he jokes and I’m relieved that he doesn't have the I am going to run look in his eyes. I help him in and I wash his body, taking my time to explore every dip and every plateau in his sculpted form.
There is nothing sexual in the way we touch each other. We are savoring each other. Remembering each other with our touch. A silent communication that is far more intimate than I have ever experienced.
After drying off, we get into bed and he motions for me to come put my head on his chest. He pulls me tight to him, releasing a breath.
"I am going to miss you, sweet girl."
"Me too," I agree and we lay there in silence.
Neither one of us is ready to sleep, but both too lost in thought to vocalize the magnitude of what is happening in a few short hours. My heart speeds up and gets heavy at the same time. Though I know it’s necessary and lifesaving for Grayson, I want to be selfish and keep him with me forever, dreading the goodbye of tomorrow.
The morning comes way too fast. I wake up in Grayson's arms, knowing that if fate allows it, this is where I will get to stay. Forever. That's a hard word to think about. It seems like a lot of time, but it's really not. There are so many people that don't get to see their forever’s and I need to remember that Grayson is doing what he needs to do to make sure he has one. I want nothing more than to be his, but I don't know anymore. I feel like I have whiplash from my thoughts.
Grayson wakes and I help him get ready. He has a cup of black coffee and we decide to sit on the swing on the front porch while we wait for everyone to get there.
Trevor gets there first and puts Grayson's bag in the trunk. Camden, Landon, and Carson follow. We hear a rumbling of a bike and I am shocked, yet relieved, to see Hudson here. I give him a small smile, letting him know all is forgiven. He nods and smiles back.
Madison pulls up and a little dark haired beauty comes flying out of the back door and up into Grayson’s lap.
"What are you doing here, Princess Amber?”
"Mommy said you are sick so I brought you something." She hands him a box and I try not to laugh. "These always make me better so I think they can make you better, too."
Grayson's eyes swell with tears at the box of Princess Band-Aids. He hugs her close, whispering something in her ear that I can't make out. Grayson stands and Amber take his hand. They walk at a slow pace to Maddie and he wraps his arms around her. Everyone else starts walking down the stairs. I can’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes.
"You act like he's a soldier going into battle," Carson jokes.
"He is," I deadpan. "He's going to be fighting these demons for the rest of his life," I point out as we watch Maddie get in her car and drive away.
Hudson approaches Grayson next. I keep my distance, letting him having his privacy. I almost happy dance when I see Hudson give Gray a one-armed hug. Hudson takes off with a wave as he disappears down the street. Grayson says a private goodbye to the rest of the siblings until it's me and him in the driveway, Trevor waiting in the car. Tears are cascading down my fees as he approaches me. He takes my face in his hands and wipes under my eyes with his thumbs.
"I know, sweet girl." His voice catches and he pulls me to him.
We cling to each other, both hoping there will be some kind of future for us, but we just don’t know. Addiction changes people but so does recovery. He needs to be right with himself before he can be right for anyone else.
"If there is anyone I would want waiting for me, it's you." His voice catches. "I want to be so selfish and ask you to do just that for me, but I won't."
I let out a sob.
"I care about you so much." He rests his forehead against mine. "I don't know what the future holds, but in order to get there, I need to face my past and focus on getting myself on track in the present."
"I am going to miss you so much," I cry and he
pulls me back into him.
"You have no idea,” he says before bending down and taking me into a lingering kiss.
His minty kiss coated with hope is all I need to know that this is right; I just hope this broken man comes back to me with some, if not most, of his pieces put back together.
"I have to go, sweet girl."
"You are going to be amazing. Just focus on yourself and everything else will fall into place," I encourage when what I really want to say is ‘I love you’. He nods and gives me another deep kiss.
"I am going to be jacking off to those kisses," he says, breaking the seriousness. I laugh and hug him tight.
"Go. Be brave, Grayson. You got this." And deep in my soul, I believe that he does.
Chapter Forty
Rehab sucks ass. This is so much harder than the first time. My counselor says it’s because I want it. I’ve been doing everything I can while I’m in here to ensure success when I get out. That's the thing, staying clean in here where there’s no temptation and it's the focus of everyday, is pretty easy. It's dealing with everything involved with my addiction- my attitudes, my behaviors, facing my past- that's the tough part. That's where shit gets real and even though at times I want to, I’m grateful I don't have the ability to run to a liquor store or hop a train to the city.
It's been eighty-two days and I feel pretty good. I have had some freak outs and breakdowns. It took me a while to even address what happened with Lainey. Getting the shame and guilt to dissipate has been a tough experience. It may never go away. I may always be asking myself the what ifs, but I can’t dwell on that.
Carson, Camden, and Madison all had their family sessions and that shit hurt... bad. To hear how my addiction, my actions, my self-centeredness, affected them cut deep. What helped was they didn't hold it against me. I got their forgiveness and in turn, I’m learning how to forgive myself.
I’ve had visits from almost everyone; even princess Amber came one Sunday afternoon with Maddie. It was great to have her little arms hug me and her encouragement to get better. I assured her the princess Band-Aids helped and her wide, proud smile made all of this worth it.
Hudson hasn't come around yet and I can't blame him. I was a shitty big brother, abandoning him when he needed me the most. From therapy and writing, I understand that he has had to keep me at arm's length to protect himself.
I understand the depths of his anger. I hope that one day our relationship can be repaired. It is a definite possibility if I do the right thing and keep my ass on the straight and narrow. I have a lot to prove to him and to myself. I can do it, though. I believe in myself today and I owe that to a gray eyed beauty who is never too far from my thoughts. I ask about her and I get minimal information.
"She's doing ok."
"She has the counselling center to keep her busy."
"She asks how you are and I can tell she misses you." Are all the answers I get.
I miss her like crazy. After the cloud lifted and talking in therapy about her and our relationship, I know how I feel about her. I know that loving her is the most real thing I had during that entire time. I know now that the things I did for her were for self-preservation, that I have a deep rooted fear of losing people I love. It explains so much about the person I was and is shaping the person I am becoming.
For the first time in my life, I feel worthy of love. I feel like I can reciprocate whatever it is she feels for me and I want that so bad. I want to be with her and forever doesn't seem so scary anymore as long as she’s part of it. I can’t wait to get home and tell her all of that, but I still have some time left here and some things to deal with.
I try to bury my doubts and my fears where she is concerned. If I sit there and wonder if she still feels the same, I’ll drive myself crazy. I need to focus on myself and let everything else fall into place, just like she said.
I have one last family session today and it is with Landon. I don't know why, but I have the impression that this is going to be the hardest one. The one that is going to force me to face everything that has happened head on and propel me forward on this journey I am on.
I’m pacing in my counselor's office, trying my damnedest not to run out the door. Being around Landon never made me nervous before and my counselor told me that since he was with me when I found Lainey, that will be our focus. I’ve talked about it in depth from time to time but never all at once and never with my brother.
I realized the other day that I resent Landon for that. I’m still pissed that he had to deploy not that long after Lainey’s death.
"Calm down and have a seat, Grayson," Brooke, my counselor, says. I take a deep breath and collapse onto the leather sofa.
"You have dealt with some pretty painful stuff up to this point. How do you feel about that?"
"Lighter, like I am almost free but not there yet."
"Do you want to run?"
"Yeah, I feel like the walls are about to close in on me."
She nods. "What about drugs?"
"What about them?"
"Are you thinking of using?"
"No." My answer is fast but not defensive. "Fleeing has definitely crossed my mind but I didn't even think about numbing myself unto you mentioned it." I grimace and she laughs
"And that’s how I know you’re ready for this." She smiles and I look at her.
She's an attractive woman; dark hair, light eyes, and a kind smile. If this was the Grayson of six months ago, I would’ve tried to get in her pants, but she doesn't do it for me. I will take strawberries over chocolate any day.
When Landon walks in, he gives me a bro hug which relaxes my nerves.
"Landon, I’m Brooke Monroe, Grayson's counselor." I see Landon look at her like he saw a ghost.
"You alright?" she says and he visibly relaxes
"Yeah, sorry, you look like someone I know," he says. I want to question him but I don't.
"So, have a seat Landon," she says and Landon sits in a chair facing me.
"The point of this is to dig deep into the past and cleanse the spirit," she says and Landon gives me an odd look. I shrug.
"Just do what she says, believe it or not, it works," I laugh.
"Good to see you, Grayson," he says. "You look different, almost content." He smiles and I nod
"I am doing alright. It hasn't been easy, but I’m glad I came." And it's the truth. "As much as I fought this in the past, I’m changing into someone I can be proud of," I admit.
"Pride looks good on you, brother."
"How is everyone?" I have to ask and Brooke gives me a look. She knows I’m really asking about Skylar.
"Good. Everyone is counting the days for you to come home." He winks and I feel relief.
"Good. That’s good."
"So Landon, Grayson told me you were there when Lainey was found. Tell me about that night." Brooke has had enough of the stalling and gets right down to business.
"It was one of the hardest things I ever had to witness. Seeing her like that was devastating, but seeing Grayson shatter nearly broke me. I was so desperate to take it away from him, but I couldn’t. I was helpless and angry. I deployed a few weeks later," he says, causing my anger to come to the surface. I’m not raging. It's an eerie, calm release.
"I was pissed at you for leaving," I say.
"I didn't have a choice."
"No, you didn't, but it was your choice not to keep in touch after a year of being gone," I grit out.
"I know." He doesn't elaborate.
"What the fuck happened to you over there? You came back a completely different person than you were when you left."
"And you weren’t the same when I came back," he bites back, avoiding my question.
"Are you ever going to tell me?" I ask and he takes a breath.
"When did you finally admit yourself into a rehab? When did you realize you needed help and were willing to accept it?" he asks me and I pause. Fucker.
"When I was ready," I say and he nods.
"Okay, okay, I get it." And I really do. As much as I want to know what happened, he will tell me when he’s ready.
The session continues with some feelings bullshit and both of us are uncomfortable. We express our anger without beating the crap of each other. He expresses how afraid he was for my life and how grateful he is that I am doing better. He told me he did what I asked and found a buyer for my house. All of my shit is in storage and I learn the apartment above the shop is still vacant. I think about moving in there until I can find a place that will suit my future.
"Um, I brought all of Lainey's stuff to her parents." I stiffen. I haven't seen Mike and Kate since the funeral.
"They want to talk to you, Grayson," he says and I look to Brooke.
"Well, I didn't tell you, but you have two more things to do that will help you get the closure you need. Talk to them and go see Lainey and Jack." I suck in a breath.
Shit. I haven't been to the grave site since the burial. I know that this is it. These are the things I need to do to be fully free of the pain of my past.
"Ok," I say and Landon quirks a brow.
"Just like that? No argument?"
I shake my head. "Nope. Are they here?" Brooke nods.
"Landon, will you please send them in on the way out?" Landon nods and exits the room.
"I am going to give you your privacy with them if that's ok."
"Yeah that's fine."
"You look like you are about to puke," she says and I laugh.
"I feel like it, but I won't. This needs to happen. Honestly, I am glad it was done like this. No time to prepare, just go in, face some shit, and move on." My voice is unsteady.
Brooke squeezes my arm and leaves the room just as I am face to face with my in-laws, or former in-laws. Does that change with the death of a spouse? I shake myself from the digressive thoughts and look up into the same brown eyes that match those of my dead wife. I am suddenly wrapped up in delicate arms.
"Grayson, I am so glad you’re safe," Kate says.
