MARNIE
…see ya, Dad.
She walks away.
DAD
Oh. Bye, Marn.
Was there something you wanted to ask me, honey?
But already she's approaching ALAN, who's holed up in his room.
MARNIE
(to us) It's okay, it's okay, sometimes parents aren't helpful, but that's why people have brothers, right?
Oh Allllllllan…
ALAN
Not now.
MARNIE
I just want to talk to you about borrowing maybe a few million dollars for my project to build a—
ALAN
Mañana.
MARNIE
(to us) Which is Spanish for "tomorrow," because the woman Alan is in love with (which is so gross I almost want to eat my arms) is from Chile, which apparently is like Spain because of the Spanish but stupider because it's not Spain and so they should have their own language, Chill, and they don't; anyway—
(to ALAN) Even a single million dollars would help.
ALAN
Marnie, I really just want to be alone now.
MARNIE
Okay.
ALAN
Alone alone.
MARNIE
Okay. I understand completely. So what should we do?
ALAN
No. Without you. Just me. In solitude.
MARNIE
Is that Spanish?
ALAN
Argh.
MARNIE
Comet estas?
ALAN
Tired.
MARNIE
Comment sava?
ALAN
Marnie.
MARNIE
Alan, what's wrong?
ALAN
I don't want to talk about it.
MARNIE
You're being a mean human.
ALAN
I'm sorry.
MARNIE
Why won't you tell me things?
ALAN
You wouldn't understand.
MARNIE
I understand more than you!
ALAN
Okay.
MARNIE
I'm reading Daddy's textbooks in the basement!
ALAN
That's great.
MARNIE
Alan!
ALAN
If I put on my headphones, don't think I'm not listening. I'm listening. I'm just listening without being able to hear you as much as I would if I weren't wearing headphones. So don't be insulted. Okay?
He puts on his headphones.
MARNIE
Alan? Alan. Alan!
ALAN
…
MARNIE
He can't hear me.
ALAN
…
MARNIE
You smell, Alan.
ALAN
…
MARNIE
I know about your big woman love which is super gross let me tell you. I can hear you through the walls. You're all like, "Ooo, I love her, ooo, she's so special, oooo, I want to go to McDonald's with her and let her buy me foooood," okay so I can't hear exactly what you say, but I get the idea, okay?
ALAN
…
MARNIE
Alan, I hate you.
ALAN
…
MARNIE
I don't hate you, Alan. But this is annoying. You're annoying. Stop being annoying!
ALAN
…
MARNIE
Alan I NEED TO ESCAPE FROM THIS WEIRDO FAMILY SO I NEED TO BUY SCRAP METAL BECAUSE I'M BUILDING A SPACESHIP IN THE BASEMENT NOW WILL YOU PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE?!??!?!?!
To us:
Whoops.
I guess you… know my secret?
That I'm… building a spaceship in the basement?
Or… did you not get that? No, no, I see, you got that. Especially when I said it again just now. Right.
And now maybe you're wondering: why does this crazy French poet want to escape her family so badly that she needs to go all the way into outer space?
They're not monsters. Obviously. Like sometimes you think of people's families and you think they should breathe fire and have horns and stuff, because they're very monstrous. Like, my friend Sarah Marcesio's parents, they drink lots of alcoholic beverages and don't cook food. They order pizza all the time. It's pretty monstrous.
The problem with my family, though, these "adults," these "grown-ups"—and I say those "names" with my eyebrows raised like this—
She raises her eyebrows dramatically.
—is that they obviously missed the day in school, and it's like early school, it's like grade one or kindergarten, so they shouldn't have missed it unless they were really sick or something—anyway, they obviously missed the day in school when they teach you not to act like a kid when you're old.
No!
Rule #1: as a grown-up you should never want things so much that you become silly!
If you're a real grown-up, a special and perfect and not embarrassing grown-up, you say: when I was a kid I tried so hard to get the things I wanted that I was silly, I kept talking about being an astronaut even though I was an engineer, I pretended I was an opera singer even though I didn't sing, I fell in love—ewwww—with a twenty-one-year-old woman from Chile who nevertheless did not speak Chill, but now, now that I'm a grown-up, I'm going to put all that away in a drawer somewhere, and lock the drawer, and swallow the key, and flush the key down the toilet when I poo it out, and be serious.
And because my parents and my Alan can't do that, and because now they tell me I'm not from Mars but from them, which means I'm dooooomed: that, ladles and Germans, is why I have to leave.
Because if they're not special, if they're ordinary, embarrassing, un-perfect human beings…
What does that make me?
So! Let me show you what I've got so far.
She runs to a corner of the basement and picks up a pile of tinfoil pieces, pipe cleaners, bottle caps, and stuffed animals. She hauls her haul over and plunks it down in the centre of the stage.
Amazing, huh?
3
Midnight.
MARNIE's alone in the basement, examining her "spaceship."
MARNIE
Now all the McPhees ('cept me) have gone to sleep, no lights are on upstairs, and you know what that means?
It's time to "get down to business"!
She gets down to business: wrapping tinfoil around pipe cleaners, putting a bottle cap on top, mounting the whole thing on a stuffed panda bear, etc.
Suddenly there's a sound from elsewhere in the house. Not loud. Piercing. A human voice. Not talking. What is it? MARNIE stops, listens.
Gradually the sound gets louder, and we realize, with MARNIE, that it's not one sound but three, converging. The dominant sound is of a woman's voice singing an aria mournfully. The sound beneath that, faint, is a clicking: what is it? We don't know. Neither does MARNIE. The third sound, the faintest yet also the closest to us, is again a human voice. Whispering…
And there's ALAN, descending to the basement, on his cellphone, clutching pen and paper in his hand.
ALAN
What do you mean? What? What? No, of course my voice has changed! Do I sound squeaky-voiced to you? I do? I'm on a cellphone, I'm whispering, my family's sleeping, of course I'm squeaky-voiced right now, that doesn't mean I'm not an eligible young bachelor in every other… hang on, wait till I get into the basement, I don't want to wake them up…
MARNIE bumps against her would-be spaceship, makes a sound. ALAN freezes.
Who's there?
He sees her.
Oh. You.
Into the phone:
No, not you. My little sister's being weird again. I'll call you back.
He hangs up.
You.
MARNIE
Me.
ALAN
What did you…
MARNIE
Hi Alan.
ALAN
Hi Marnie. What did you… you didn't overhear much, did you?
MARNIE
Like what?
ALAN
I dunno. Me. On the phone.
MARNIE
No. Nothing.
ALAN
Right.
MARNIE
…
ALAN
So… good night.
MARNIE
Good night.
He turns to go. Takes a few steps. Stops suddenly and collapses.
Alan!
ALAN
I'm fine.
MARNIE
You fell!
ALAN
I know. That's why I'm on the ground.
MARNIE
Are you sick? I know about doctoring.
ALAN
I am sick. But I'll be fine. I just fell.
MARNIE
But you were just standing there one moment and then—!
ALAN
On purpose. I fell on purpose.
MARNIE
Why? Nobody falls on purpose!
ALAN
I fell because I'm sick. And I didn't think there was much point staying up on my legs any longer.
MARNIE
Do you have a fever?
ALAN
No.
MARNIE
Cold?
ALAN
No.
MARNIE
Pe-neumonia?
ALAN
No.
MARNIE
You should go to the doctor.
ALAN
I'm having some problems… with my heart.
MARNIE
Oh no! Let me feel.
She kneels beside him, puts her head to his chest. She hums a little.
Weird… oh, weird… it sounds like… humming… oh… that's me.
She stops humming. Freezes. Looks at ALAN differently.
This isn't about the Chilean grandmother, is it?
ALAN
How do you know about that?
MARNIE
I have ears.
ALAN
Are you spying on me?
MARNIE
You're loud! On the phone! All the time! You're loud!
ALAN
Oh. Sorry.
MARNIE
And what's that, a love letter?
She points to the paper he's still clutching.
ALAN
It's nothing.
MARNIE
Let me see.
ALAN
You wouldn't understand.
MARNIE
I'm going to steal it from your hand.
ALAN
I don't really have the energy to stop you.
MARNIE
I'm going to steal it… right… now!
She doesn't.
…can I see?
ALAN
It's embarrassing.
MARNIE
But you just fell over, that was embarrassing too.
ALAN
That's true.
MARNIE
Let me see.
He relaxes the hand that holds the paper; the paper falls to the floor. She picks it up and reads.
The coldest hour of the night is when
I think of you. And even the trees' caress
on my windowpanes is painful to know
in your absence, without the knowledge
of your closeness, that highest learning,
that forgets nothing, is unforgotten,
unforgettable. Come sing to me like autumn.
…
ALAN
Weird, eh?
MARNIE
Alan.
ALAN
Give it back.
MARNIE
This is crazy, Alan.
ALAN
I know, I know, okay, just give it here—
MARNIE
You could be like a professional poet!
ALAN
Yeah right, is that like a professional breakfast-eater? A professional sleeper? Nobody pays you to do something that's unnecessary to anyone but you.
MARNIE
You're lying.
ALAN
Okay, I'm lying.
MARNIE
What about actors who pretend to be people in movies and on stages? That's not a necessary job! They're so silly! But people like Hilary Duff and Thomas Cruise—
ALAN
Tom Cruise?
MARNIE
Thomas is his real name, obviously.
ALAN
Yeah, but they're better-looking than poets.
MARNIE
Speak for yourself, big head.
ALAN
Anyway, whatever. Whatever. It's just a stupid poem.
MARNIE
No! If I were from Chile I'd totally be all like, Alan, let's go bowling and I'll let you win so you can be happier!
ALAN
Yeah, but you have to say that, you're my sister.
MARNIE
No I don't, I'm supposed to be evil and cruel to you because I'm your sister!
ALAN
Hey, what were you doing down here anyway?
MARNIE
Oh. You know. Nothing.
ALAN
What's that behind you?
MARNIE
Oh, that pile of junk?
ALAN
Yeah.
MARNIE
Well in French we call it une pile de junk. Do you want the translation?
ALAN
And what are you doing with it?
MARNIE
Doing? I don't understand the question.
ALAN
Are you making something?
MARNIE
Do I look like I know how to make anything?
ALAN
Do you need help?
MARNIE
Do I look like I need help?
ALAN
Why are you answering all of my questions with questions?
MARNIE
Why not?
ALAN
…
MARNIE
Sorry.
ALAN
…she says she's too old for me.
MARNIE
Maybe you should write poems to peoples your own age. Who speak English!
ALAN
What?
MARNIE
Nothing.
ALAN
She speaks English.
MARNIE
Okay.
ALAN
In addition to other languages.
MARNIE
Does she speak French?
ALAN
No.
MARNIE
Gross.
ALAN
…anyway. Good night?
MARNIE
Are you going to fall again on your way upstairs?
ALAN
No, I'll be fine.
MARNIE
I can let you go? Safely?
ALAN
Yes, Marnie. And remember: you keep my secret, I keep yours.
MARNIE
What secret?
ALAN
…
MARNIE
Bone soir.
ALAN
Buenos nachos.
He goes. MARNIE turns and looks at us. Pause.
As before, we hear a woman's voice singing an aria, gently.
The singing stops.
Footsteps on the stairs.
MARNIE
Eek!
She runs and hides behind the would-be spaceship.
It's MOM. She's descending warily. Why is the light on down here?
MOM
Hello?
MARNIE
Eek.
MOM
Marnie?
MARNIE
Eek?
MOM
Marnie, what are you doing back there?
MARNIE
Hiding.
MOM
From what?
MARNIE
From whoever was on the stairs.
MOM
It was me.
MARNIE
Oh!
She comes out.
Oh good! That's a relief! I thought it was somebody I didn't know.
MOM
It's a bit late, don't you think? I thought you were in bed.
MARNIE
Was I? I'm so bad at history.
MOM
Did you…
MARNIE
Hmmm?
MOM
You didn't hear… anything unusual… did you?
MARNIE
Oh no, no, everything's very usual.
MOM
Good.
MARNIE
I thought I heard singing, but it was probably only the pipes. I mean the plumbing. In the walls. Whoosh whoosh.
MOM
Yes. Probably.
MOM lets out a sigh and collapses into the beanbag chair beside her.
MARNIE
Mom!
MOM
Yes?
MARNIE
You fell over!
MOM
Apparently.
MARNIE
At least you fell into the beanbag.
MOM
Thank goodness.
MARNIE
Alan just hit the ground.
MOM
What?
MARNIE
What?
MOM
…
MARNIE
Um. Mom?
MOM
Yes, Marnie?
MARNIE
Why did you fall over?
MOM
I'm very tired.
She yawns.
MARNIE
Um. Go to sleep?
MOM
Okay.
She closes her eyes.
MARNIE
That probably isn't the most… comfortable…
MOM
Hey…
She opens her eyes and beckons MARNIE. MARNIE goes to her, lets herself be hugged. Her arms hang limp for a moment before she hugs back. It goes on; she starts to get impatient.
The Remarkable Flight of Marnie McPhee Page 2
