Finding Faith

by Reana Malori

  Nodding his head to Tom, who was rolling his eyes at his wife’s perceived meddling, Cooper called out, “Okay, yeah, sounds good, Susan. Have a good night.”

  Although her words about Faith wanting children “of her own” were said as a seemingly general comment, they still bothered him. He and Faith hadn’t talked about how things were changing between them. Not even once had they made the attempt to talk about what happened last week at his home. But she had to know how he felt about her, or at least that he was attracted to her. Seriously attracted to her.

  He knew she had friends and went out occasionally after work. She even traveled for work on occasion. But not once, had she ever mentioned a man in her life until that date she went on a month ago. Rubbing his neck as he looked in the direction Tom and Susan had walked, his mind whirled with the possibilities. There was a gnawing feeling in his gut that if she did want to move on with someone—someone that was not him—he knew that wouldn’t sit well with him at all.

  Watching as the neighborhood kids played up and down the sidewalk and in the front yards of the houses that lined the streets, he thought he caught sight of Faith and Madison. His daughter had made the executive decision that Faith would be the one to take her to her friend’s house for the birthday party, which had been okay with him. In actuality, he had been amused. Without either of them realizing it, his daughter had somehow adopted their neighbor and made her an unofficial part of their family.

  “Daddy! Daddy! Look at what me and Ms. Faith got from the party!” Madison sprinted up the walkway in front of their home. Back on the porch and sitting in a deck chair, he caught her as she sprinted to him and leapt into his arms.

  “Well, what do we have here?” Testing the weight of the bag of small gifts and toys that had been given out by her friend’s parents, he turned wide eyes toward Madison. “This is heavy! How did you get this all the way home?”

  “Faith helped me.” Turning his head to look in her direction, he watched Faith trudge up the sidewalk. Giving her a slight smile as she waved her hand in his direction, he took pity on her. For about three seconds and then he started to smile. Her face bore an expression that all parents had in common on a day like this. Completely and utterly worn out. Smiling at the sight of her standing in front of him, he almost laughed out loud, but decided that would be a bad move. “Poor Faith, did Madison run you ragged?”

  “Hardy-har-har! No. I’m full of energy. I could go another two hours.” Getting to the top step, she slowly turned and sat down, “just let me nap for two days.”

  “Well, even if you’re not tired, it’s almost time for the little princess to get ready for bed.” Pulling his daughter close, he peaked inside her bag to look at what she had brought home.

  Madison’s small hand reached up to his face and pulled him down, she then whispered close to his ear, “Daddy, I’m not tired.”

  “I know you’re not, baby, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to go to bed.” Already knowing what the answer would be, Cooper asked the question anyway, “Did you and Faith have fun today?”

  “We did. And guess what, Daddy? I have to tell you something,” she whispered the last statement, which got his attention.

  Sure that it was something about her friends or the party, he bent down to hear her secret, “What?”

  “I love Faith, Daddy. I do! Can I tell her?” Her eyes were big and he could tell from her expression, that his daughter meant every single word. Damn. He probably should have realized this was happening. All the signs were there. It was inevitable that Madison would become connected so strongly to the woman that had, in effect, treated her like she was her own child.

  Raising his eyes quickly, he glanced at Faith to see if she had heard her confession. When he saw that she was still lying on her back with her eyes closed, he figured that she had not picked up on their secret conversation. Oddly enough, he was equal parts relieved and disappointed.

  Something in him was glad that Faith had not heard his daughter’s confession because she may not feel the same. That type of rejection would be a difficult thing for a child to deal with, especially for a little girl who had lost her mother at such a young age. He had tried to do the best he could, but Madison clearly wanted—needed—something more than he could provide. What truly shocked him most was the feeling that he wanted to know if Faith really did love his daughter in return. And what if she did? Then what?

  “How about you tell her another day?” Unable to get his voice low enough to prevent her overhearing, he felt Faith’s gaze turn toward him and lifted his eyes to hers for just a second. Noticing her eyebrows raised in question, he shrugged and shook his head to stall any questions.

  Looking back at his daughter, he could tell that she was not happy with his direction. Sometimes she could have a mind of her own and wasn’t always receptive to being put in a box. That was definitely a personality trait she inherited from her mother. He would not take the blame for that one. Not this time. His next words were a bit louder, “Okay, princess, it’s almost eight o’clock. It’s time to get ready for bed.”

  “Awww, Dad. I don’t want to.” Jumping from his lap even as she spoke the words, she began making her way to the front door.

  “I know, but little girls need their sleep” Voice light with laughter, he couldn’t help looking over at Faith again. They had talked several times in the last few weeks about Madison’s burgeoning need for independence. Catching Faith’s gaze, they shared a moment of adult mirth at the logic and antics of a four-year old child, which they both succumbed to each and every time.

  As Faith sat there laughing silently behind her hand, his smile became even wider as he gave thanks that she was there. Able to share this moment with him.

  Looking around as if bored with the turn the conversation had taken, Madison quickly turned back to Faith. “Can you help me go to bed, Ms. Faith?”

  Dark brown eyes turned to him in question. “Sure, honey, as long as your dad is okay with it.”

  “Are you okay, Daddy?” Not that she was actually waiting for his response. Already walking toward the door, she grabbed Faith’s hand in her smaller one and began pulling her along.

  “Yes, honey, that’s fine. Faith, I’ll be out here when you finish.” Settling back in his seat, he noticed a few more kids outside playing and settled in to wait for Faith to return.

  “Okay, see you in a bit,” Faith called back at him. As they walked into the house, his ears picked up the echo of their voices. Quick footfalls on the stairs reverberated through the house and out the open window as they made their way to her bedroom. A feeling of peace overcame him. This is what he needed and it calmed him to know that Faith and Madison were both in his home.

  No more than 30 minutes later, Faith exited the house and stood in front of the closed screen door for a few minutes. Looking back over her shoulder as if confused, her brow was furrowed in concern and she bit her bottom lip. Watching her silently for a few minutes, Cooper purposely ignored the invisible barrier holding him back from moving forward with his beautiful neighbor and took the time to really look at her.

  Gazing at her as no longer just a neighbor and friend, but as a woman, his need for her began to surge. Without a doubt, he liked what he saw on the outside and wanted to explore more of the woman beneath the clothing. But now that he knew the woman behind the curves and sassy attitude, he felt something more than just a physical attraction.

  Was he truly ready for this? Would the memory of his wife continue to press on him? Could he ask Faith to give herself over to a man who still had to ask himself that question? Deciding that he wouldn’t be able to answer that question tonight, he put it on the backburner for another day. He instead focused on the woman standing in front of him.

  “What’s wrong, Faith?”

  “Um, nothing really. I just…” Looking over her shoulder one more time, she slowly moved from her spot. Coming over next to him, she sat on the bench that was situated next to his chair. />
  Beginning to get concerned, he was about to get up and go into the house and check on Madison. Just as he was lifting up, the next words from Faith’s mouth stopped him in his tracks.

  “Madison is…,” she paused and sighed deeply, “That little girl has stolen my heart. I love her so much. Do you know that?”

  Instead of rushing into the house, he lifted out of his chair and went over to the bench, sitting next to Faith. “I know you do. I see it every time you’re with her.” Knowing his daughter had not heeded his direction to wait to share her confession, he continued, “But what made you say it tonight? To me?”

  Cooper didn’t think she realized it at the time, but when she began to answer the question, she grabbed his hand in hers. “Upstairs, as she was getting into bed, she said she loved me.” The joy on her face was his undoing. How could a woman who had not birthed a child, feel so much joy and happiness at the knowledge of that child’s love for them?

  “Did this upset you?” Based on her response, he would hazard a guess to say no, but he wanted to hear her say it.

  “Oh, no! Absolutely not. I know she lost her mother and for a little girl, that can be traumatic.”

  Cooper interrupted, “Has she ever talked about her mother? Asked questions?”

  She shook her head no, still holding onto his hand as she continued, “Not really. I mean, she sometimes looks at mothers and daughters with a little more curiosity. Occasionally, she’ll make comments about things her and her mommy would do if she were alive.” Pausing for a moment, she looked out over the yard, “The time I’ve spent with her has been because I wanted to do it. Just because she is such a caring and open child. It was just…I don’t know. Hearing the words made me realize that she has come to mean so much to me.”

  He knew that Madison’s curiosity and observations about her mother, or lack thereof, was natural. The counselors and therapists he had spoken with had told him so. “Well, from what I’ve been told, when she does bring up Heather, it’s important to let her questions and comments flow naturally. I’ve tried to be careful not to force any conversation about her mother, but also not shy away from it when she wants to talk.”

  Looking at the woman sitting next to him in a new light, he began to understand what was starting to happen, “It seems that you’ve become someone she feels that she can trust. Someone she knows she can be herself with and not hide.”

  “She’s an amazing little girl. I will never overstep, Cooper, but I will be here for Madison. For however long she needs me, I will always be a part of her life,” she answered him.

  “I know you will and I appreciate that.” Placing his other hand over their already joined hands, he gave a little squeeze. She jumped slightly, as if just noticing that she already had his hand in hers. Moving slightly as if to release herself from his grasp and pull away, he stopped her movement by holding on a little tighter.

  Leaning back, he waved at some of the passersby heading back to their respective homes for the evening. This was good. It felt right. It had been a good night for everyone. He felt as if things were moving in the right direction.

  His little girl was happy. He was damn close to being happy. And his beautiful, lovely neighbor was sitting here, next to him. Their hands joined and the two of them simply relaxing. Quiet surrounded them as they sat nestled on his front porch as the night closed in around them. This was what he missed. This is what he needed.

  “This is nice, Cooper.” Faith’s soft voice reached him as he considered the possibilities of where this could go.

  “Yes, it is. I haven’t enjoyed a night like this in a long time.” Removing his hand from hers, he adjusted slightly. Wrapping his arms around her shoulders, he pulled her soft body into his, bringing her closer to him.

  “I’m too heavy to be leaning on you, Cooper.” She tried to lift some of her weight off of him.

  “No, you’re not. Stop that nonsense talk, woman. Just relax and lean on me. I’m more than strong enough to hold you and you know it. If you want me to prove it, just say the word, sweetheart,” he laughed in response.

  Cooper knew she was talking about her weight and he wasn’t going to allow her to get away with that. On one or two occasions, he had heard her refer to her weight. Once or twice she had commented that she felt she was too big to do something, or wear some piece of clothing. After seeing her almost every day since they had moved in, he had enjoyed looking at every curve of her body and disagreed wholeheartedly. Faith was an exceedingly sexy woman and any man would be lucky to have her. Although if he had his way, there would be no other man vying for her attention. No one except for him, that is.

  Later that week, Cooper was sitting next to Faith as the three of them relaxed at her house. A trip to the local park had been the original plan, but the weather had not cooperated. It turned out to be a rainy, dreary day, so they all decided it was best to order pizza and watch a movie. Of course, as long as Madison was around Faith, he knew that she would be happy with whatever they decided to do.

  Still reeling from the events of the last two weeks, Cooper was analyzing what was happening to him. His feelings for Faith had been growing rapidly for some time now. Thinking of her as more than just a friend had begun shortly after he met her. Hearing her laugh, made him smile. Watching her walk toward him made him hard. Whatever it was, he knew it was real for him. It wasn’t that he was lonely and it wasn’t some rebound or passing phase. Not for him. There had been some women in the past two years that he had seen casually, but only recently had he actually considered the idea of dating just one woman.

  He had begun dating a few months ago at the behest of some of his Army buddies who were still in the area. A few of his first dates had turned into a second date. Some resulted in a night cap, which usually turned into an overnight stay. Inevitably, that would end with him sliding out of the woman’s bedroom, and any need to see them again in the future leaving right along with him.

  While he wouldn’t say he was proud of his behavior, he was honest. They knew what he offered and had no expectations of anything beyond that. At no time had he ever been careless and not worn protection, nor had he given them false promises. Just a mutual agreement that they would enjoy their time together. Luckily, none of them had turned stalkerish or had a hard time getting the message. Well, except for Dana. God, that was painful and he never wanted to go through that again.

  Putting the memory aside, he looked over and saw that Madison had gotten up from the floor and was now sprawled on Faith’s chaise lounge. For such a small child, she sure had a strong sense of self-confidence. She was giggling at the movie playing on the television and Faith was watching her with a smile on her face.

  He wondered what she thought of when she looked at them, the carefree and precocious daughter and the sometimes moody father who seemed locked in the past, holding on to the memory of a wife, of a life, that no longer existed.

  If truth be told, he held more than just a passing affection for his lovely neighbor. Although he actively tried to temper how he showed this to Faith, or heaven forbid, his daughter. One whiff of something more between he and Faith and he was positive his daughter would shout it from the rooftop.

  Long out of his teenage years, he knew it wouldn’t look good if he started behaving as if he were in high school with a crush on the prettiest girl in class. Then again, he was probably thinking about this much more than he needed to.

  Cooper could admit, at least to himself, that these last few months had been really good. Not just for him, but for Madison. Sitting here with Faith always seemed comfortable. There was no pressure. No need to try and be something he wasn’t. With her, he could just be himself. That hadn’t happened for a long time and he missed this feeling. Although he would deny it until the cows came home, this felt right to him. Even if they had never been intimate, the feeling that this is where he belonged was clamoring away in his head.

  As he looked over at her sitting just a few feet away from him, he t
ook a minute to admire her. Wearing shorts since it was a warm day, most of her legs were visible to his gaze. Silently looking at her womanly form, he could admire the curve of her thigh and the smoothness of her shoulder as she typed on her laptop.

  He did wonder why he hadn’t made a move on her before the other night. Tried to at least kiss those full lips of hers? Remembering the other night when they had returned from the kite festival in DC, and the moans of pleasure she made as he massaged her feet, he couldn’t help but think he had missed what was right in front of him this entire time. Maybe it was her closeness to Madison that had stopped him before.

  If he did try to gauge her interest in him sexually, or if they slept together and things didn’t work out, how would that impact Madison? No, he couldn’t risk it right now. She was a fixture in his daughter’s life and his baser nature, no matter how much it called out to him, was not going to ruin it.

  Faith gave both him and Madison something...someone...that they looked forward to seeing every day. Early on, just after they had moved in, Faith had taken to calling Madison by her special name, princess, which Madison had noticed right away. Since then, the two of them had built their own relationship together, exclusive of Cooper. The connection between those two was so strong, and after spending so much time at each other’s house, he could almost feel their bond getting stronger.

  There had even been a pampering weekend, or ten, when Faith and Madison had gone to the local spa for what she called mani/pedi treatments, her words—not his. His ears had almost bled from listening to his daughter talk about the fun they had, how the staff treated her like a princess, and how amazing Ms. Faith was. Slowly, but surely, there were other slight changes that now looking back, he had taken for granted.

  When at her house on any given night, he would see his favorite beer sitting in her fridge. Just waiting for him. She never drank the stuff, so he knew it wasn’t for her. Two extra plates always seemed to be ready and filled to the brim each night they came over, as if she knew they would be there. Faith had even picked up his moods. Ever so smoothly, they had built a friendship and connection that was comfortable, and they simply seemed to fit.