by J. D. Rivera
“Um. It’s just the first letter of someone’s name.”
“Oh? Who? Someone special?”
“My ex-boyfriend. He has an ‘E’ on his arm, and I have this ‘C’ on me.”
“Good thing you can get it removed.”
“True, but I don’t think I’ll get it removed. He was a part of my life. It’s a memory.”
He didn’t say anything else, just nodded.
I wound up staying with him the entire day. We grilled hamburgers and made some French fries. There were no more weird sexual moments or any more conversations about Cooper. It was nice.
We decided to finish off the night with a movie, which ended up being so boring that I couldn’t even remember the name of it five minutes after the credits rolled.
We said good-bye with a short sweet kiss and I walked to my car and drove home. I had just parked when Jen pulled up beside me. I got out of the car and waited on her. She grabbed her backpack from her front seat and got out.
“Where have you been?” I asked.
“Studying, and you?”
“I went over to Ben’s friend’s house with him and hung out at the pool.”
“Oh, how was that?”
“It was okay. Kind of relaxing.”
We walked to the door together, and I unlocked it since she had her backpack. She was really smart and took studying very seriously, always excelling in her classes. I, on the other hand, studied just enough to get a decent grade. I eyed her backpack and figured I should probably study a little, since I wasn’t that tired.
I entered my room and got out all of my study material, placing it on the bed. I was looking for my notebook when a small book fell off to the side of the stack of books. It was the book of baby names that I had recently purchased. I knew it was a little early to think about names since I didn’t know the sex of the baby yet, but it sounded fun.
I turned on the TV for background noise and flipped through the pages, starting with girl names. I was just randomly turning the pages not really going in any type of order when my eyes found “Isabella”. If I’m having a girl, that’ll be her name. Of course, I would have to ask Cooper if he liked it too, but something told me he wouldn’t care, as long as it wasn’t a really hideous name. Isabella Thomason sounded good to me. It just fit.
I thought about texting Cooper about the name but decided against it. It would be better if I didn’t try to contact him other than our planned movie nights. I put the book down and got busy studying for my finals. I needed the distraction before I started thinking too hard about Cooper, although if I was really honest, I was always thinking about him.
After studying for a few hours, I decided a bath sounded really nice. I had rinsed off at Ben’s friend’s house, but I wanted to relax. I let the water reach almost to the top of the tub before I shut it off. I climbed in and put my headphones on and lay back.
I was just beginning to fall asleep when the door swung open and Jen came in.
“Hey can I ask you a question?” she asked.
I took the headphones out of my ears. “Sure what’s up?”
“Have you ever felt like you just can’t do something? Like, you know, in life?”
“Um. Sure. Every day since I found out I was pregnant. What’s this about?”
“I don’t know. I just have a lot going on, and this final I’m studying for is kicking my ass. I keep thinking… What if I don’t pass? Then what?”
“Jen, you are the smartest person I know. You’ll pass. Quit putting so much pressure on yourself. It’s okay if you sometimes make a B instead of an A.”
“I know that it’s okay, technically. It’s just that I want to get the best job, you know? I have so many plans, and I don’t want them to get messed up.”
“Jen, look at me. I know all about plans getting messed up. I also know that sometimes you just can’t control it, no matter how hard you try.”
“I know. I’m sorry. You were trying to relax, and I just busted in here. I have to get back to studying anyway.”
“It’s okay. You know you can bother me anytime you need to. I’ll always be here for you, just like you’re always there for me.”
She closed the door behind her, and I lay in the bathtub for a while, wondering what the hell that was about. I’m pretty sure there is way more going on than just her stressing over classes. It seemed like all I could think about was my problems. I really should be a better friend to her and not be so selfish.
The last week of school flew by, and I was so glad to be done with all of my finals. I had met up with Ben every day for lunch, and I was enjoying his friendship.
I hadn’t spoken to Cooper all week, but on Friday, I assumed we still had plans for that night. I tried calling earlier in the day, to confirm our plans, but he hadn’t answered. He wouldn’t have ditched me without calling, though. I figured he must’ve been in the shower or something.
I couldn’t help myself; I was excited about seeing him. I had let Ben know that I was busy every Friday night, but I didn’t tell him why, because that would’ve been hard to explain.
I went to the video store and picked up some microwave popcorn and rented an action-packed movie that I knew Cooper had mentioned wanting to see before I had moved out. I hoped he hadn’t already rented it.
On my drive over to Cooper’s apartment, I had the radio turned up really loud, listening to Bruno Mars’s “Locked Out of Heaven,” which always put me in a good mood. I could listen to it all day long. But that evening, I knew my good mood had nothing to do with the song and everything to do with hanging out with Cooper.
I knew I was walking a dangerous path, but I couldn’t stay away from him. I still loved him and wanted to spend time with him. Besides, I wanted us to be a united front with our child, and that would take us being friends. I would have to spend the rest of my life making decisions with him, so I needed to get used to hanging out with him. Hopefully, with Ben’s help, I’d soon be able to push all of my other feelings for Cooper aside until they no longer existed.
I arrived at Cooper’s apartment and grabbed the shopping bag with the microwave popcorn and movie from the passenger seat. I rang the doorbell and waited, smoothing out my clothes and running a few fingers through my hair. A few minutes went by, and I rang the doorbell again.
Finally, Cooper answered the door, looking very much disheveled. His hair was all over the place, and he hadn’t shaved in days.
Was he sick? “Are you okay?”
He looked at me, as if confused. “I’m fine. Why are you here? I mean, I’m glad you’re here, but…”
“I thought we agreed to try to hang out as friends every Friday night. Did you forget? I dropped by the video store and got us a movie and popcorn.” I held up the bag and shook it.
“I didn’t forget. I just figured you wouldn’t want to keep up that plan.” He opened the door wider and gestured for me to come inside.
I walked past him and asked, “Why wouldn’t I want to keep up the plan? I had a lot of fun hanging out last Thursday and I want us to get along. I really do want us to be friends.” I looked around the apartment. It was disgusting. Pizza boxes and other food remains littered every bit of counter, the dining table, and the coffee table. I turned to look back at him. “Are you sick? What the hell is going on here? You’re never this gross, Cooper.”
He placed both of his hands behind his head and sighed. “I just haven’t been feeling that well this week. I’m not sick, though, and I’m glad you’re here.”
We walk over to the couch together and sat down. “What’s going on, Cooper? I still care about you a lot and want to help you in any way I can.”
He grabbed my hand. “Break up with the asshole you’re dating, and I’ll be much better.”
Oh, crap. How did he find out about Ben? Chris. It had to be Chris. I never wanted to hurt Cooper like this. Should I explain why I was dating Ben? It sounded crazy to explain the reason to Cooper, but I couldn’t let him hurt like this. I
felt awful. The last time we spoke, I’d reassured him that Ben and I were just friends. I had to fix this. I had to take away his pain.
“It’s not what you think. I’m not sure what Chris told you, but um, I, um. I’m kind of just using the guy.” I hoped that was explanation enough.
His eyebrows pulled together, and he gave me the biggest ‘I’m not an idiot’ look I had ever seen.
“I’m not lying, Cooper. I swear. You’re the last person I should be telling this to, but I can’t let you hurt like this. I still have major feelings for you. I know for a fact that you are the love of my life and my feelings for you will never change, but we can’t be together. I can’t trust you to stay away from the drugs for me and the baby. I don’t want the baby’s life ripped apart because I kick you to the curb one day over drugs or you getting violent. We have to remain just friends. I want us to be able to hang out like we are right now, without making out like we did last week. I thought that if I started dating someone, I might be able to keep my feelings for you in check. I let him know that I wasn’t over you, and I really don’t feel all that bad about using him. Once I start showing and he really realizes I’m carrying your baby, he’ll dump me.”
He stared at me, wide-eyed, for a long time. I had nothing more to add. I’d told him everything and I hoped I’d eased some of his sadness.
Finally, he spoke, “You are really messed up in the head. There is no way I am going back to doing drugs. Not now, not ever. I will never hurt you or our baby, not physically or the way my mom hurt my family. I learned from her mistakes. Please, just ditch this guy. I’ve been a complete wreck this week, thinking about the two of you being together. You may be with him for other reasons, but he will touch you. He will kiss you. I can’t handle the thought of any other guy doing that. I just can’t. I want us to be friends too. I promise, if you dump this guy’s ass, I’ll keep my distance. I won’t kiss you again. I won’t even hug you. Please. Do this for me.”
I didn’t know what to do. He might be able to restrain from kissing me but I didn’t know if I could restrain from kissing him. I needed the idea of having a boyfriend. I wasn’t a cheater, and having a boyfriend would stop me from doing anything with Cooper that I would regret later. “Cooper, I can’t promise anything. I have to do things my way. I’m so sorry if this hurts you; just know that you are the only guy that means anything to me. Just know you’re the guy that I share a child with. I want—no, I need—us to be friends. Having you completely out of my life is too painful. This past week, after we agreed to meet up regularly, may not have been the happiest of my life, but it was definitely easier than the last few weeks.”
I got up before he could say or do anything else and inserted the movie in the DVD player. I looked back at him; he was still staring at me. I grabbed the popcorn, passed him to enter kitchen, and placed the popcorn in the microwave. Just as I was reaching for a bowl on a high shelf, he stepped beside me and grabbed the bowl.
Cooper turned while handing me the bowl. “I want us to be friends, too. Just know that this is killing me. Can you please not ever talk about him or flaunt your relationship in my face?”
“Of course. Now can we watch the movie?” I grabbed the bowl from him and said playfully, “I heard the male lead is really hot.”
We sat side by side on the couch and watched the movie in silence as we polished off the popcorn. It was getting late, and I didn’t want to go. I wanted to sleep in my old bed, cuddled up next to Cooper. I knew that I shouldn’t ask for that, but… “Um, can I spend the night? Friends have sleepovers, right?”
The biggest grin broke out on his face. “Of course you can sleep over. Do you want the couch, or do you want me to sleep on the couch?”
“How about we both sleep in the bed?” I asked with a sheepish grin. It wouldn’t technically be cheating since Ben and I weren’t official or anything. As long as Cooper and I didn’t kiss, I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
“I think that sounds like a great idea.” Grinning from ear to ear, Cooper stood, took my hand, and pulled me to my feet.
We made our way to the bedroom, hand in hand. I usually just sleep in a big T-shirt and underwear, which Cooper remembered, of course. He pulled one of his giant T-shirts out of a chest and tossed it at me. I caught it while trying to remember what pair of panties I was wearing. I luckily hadn’t had to purchase maternity underwear yet, but I was thinking next week would be the time for that.
I finally remembered that I was wearing black silk underwear, thank goodness. Cooper may have seen me in my plain cotton panties before, but I wanted him to remember me in a pretty pair.
I probably should have gone in the bathroom to change but he had seen me naked before, so it didn’t really matter. I slipped off my top and exchanged it for Cooper’s T-shirt, then took my jeans off.
He was watching me like a hawk, swallowing hard.
I probably should have reminded him that we were friends; friends didn’t look at each other like that. But it was my fault for changing in front of him, and a part of me enjoyed the fact that he was affected by it.
I climbed into bed and watched as Cooper removed his shirt and jeans, leaving him in blue boxers. He stood there, looking at me. Damn, he looked sexy, with his gorgeous chest and muscular arms. He was every girl’s fantasy.
I was the one swallowing hard.
He climbed into bed, and we lay there, looking at each other, for a long time.
He broke the silence by asking, “How do you want to sleep? You used to face the other way while I held you.”
Before he could say anything else, I answered, “I’d like that, but not just yet.” I took my right hand and rubbed the “E” tattoo on his arm.
He let out a sigh while placing his hand in my hair. He made long strokes down my hair then quietly said, “I love you so much, Emily. I’ll never be able to get over you. I can’t believe I lost you, and you’re dating someone else.”
“Shh. Let’s not think or talk about that right now. Let’s just enjoy being here with each other.” I couldn’t believe I was doing this; I didn’t want anything to happen, yet here I was, the one encouraging it.
Before I realized what I was doing, my hand was running all over his chest, both of us were breathing erratically, and he was rubbing his hands all over my body until one rested on the “C” tattoo on my lower right hip.
“I love that, no matter what, you’ll always have this on you. No matter what you tell anyone else, you and I will always know you have my initial on you.”
“I like that about your ‘E’ tattoo, too,” I admitted.
It seemed as if hours had gone by before I finally turned around and he pulled me close to his body.
He kissed my hair, then whispered into my ear, “Sweet dreams. I love you so much.”
I grabbed his hand and kissed it. “Good night. I love you so much, too.”
The next morning, I woke up to my phone ringing off the hook. I felt Cooper behind me trying to grab it out of my pants pocket without getting out of bed. He finally snatched it and handed it to me.
“Thanks.” I looked at the screen. I’d missed a few calls, all from my brother. Our parents must be at his apartment for graduation later today. That meant that I had to get up and leave Cooper, though I wasn’t really done snuggling with him.
“It’s Chris. I’m betting our parents are at his apartment.” I pushed the covers off of me and climbed out of bed to get dressed.
As I was putting on my jeans, I looked up at Cooper, who was still in bed and staring at me. “Hey um, Chris told me I should probably tell them about the baby today. Are you going to tell your dad? I’m also planning on telling them that I am living with Jen now, but I’m not giving them any specifics as to why we aren’t together anymore.”
Cooper sat up in the bed and stared forward for a bit. Pursing his lips, he said, “I guess I’ll tell him today, before graduation. Why don’t you hold off on telling your parents about us? After you fell asleep la
st night, I had an idea. Why don’t we buy a house and live together?”
I paused in the middle of changing shirts and looked at him. Did the snuggling give him the wrong idea? We were not getting back together.
He must’ve understood what I was thinking, because before I could say anything, he continued, “I know we aren’t back together. You’re apparently dating some asshole right now. I get that. I was just thinking that I have a really good job, starting Monday, and I could buy us a house to live in. We won’t share a bedroom, but it would be convenient, with the baby and everything. Just think about it.”
What he was saying made perfect sense—to me, at least, though I guessed it might not to most people. As long as we didn’t share a room, it was just us being roommates. The help would be handy when the baby arrived, and we wouldn’t have to worry about custody. “That really isn’t a bad idea, as long as you realize we would just be two friendly roommates.” I slipped on my shoes.
He got up out of bed. “Understood. Okay, so it’s settled. We are buying a house and moving in together. I’ll even let you take this bed, and I’ll get another one, Roomy.”
I left Cooper’s apartment a short time later. I needed to tell Chris about the new change of plans. I would have to make clear to everyone that we were just going to be roommates, raising our child together, and not getting back together.
I stopped in at Jen’s apartment to change clothes. I needed to talk to her about staying at her place until Cooper and I found a house. Even after we found one, it would take a while before we could move in. I figured I’d be with her for another two months. I hoped she didn’t care; otherwise, I would have to get a place of my own, and I couldn’t afford it. Especially without telling my parents about my single status just yet. One shock at a time, for them.
I unlocked the door of the apartment and walked in.
