Hard Luck Hank: Screw the Galaxy

by Steven Campbell

  I couldn’t even respond. I was already tired.

  “Did they cut me open?” I asked uneasily.

  “How they going to do that? With this junk?” she asked, indicating the dubious medical equipment. “They’ve been pumping you with nutrients and letting your body heal. Oh, and they rebuilt your teeth, but they said even those are slowly regrowing.”

  It was true, I could feel a mouthful of new choppers. I wonder if they fixed my overbite.

  “I wanted to personally come to thank you, Hank,” Jyen said, cupping my hand to her face.

  She could have thanked me by leaving Belvaille.

  “I need you back on your feet as soon as possible,” Garm cut in. “I need your moral authority to get some stuff done.” There was an urgent undercurrent in her voice.

  “We need to talk as well,” Jyen said.

  “I just killed every single alien invader on Belvaille. I think I deserve some time off,” I answered stubbornly.

  “And you went three rounds with Wallow,” Garm said, impressed. “Wish I could have seen that fight.”

  I had almost forgotten. If you call me getting momentarily stuck between his fingers a “fight,” then it was epic.

  I stayed in the hospital for three more days. This was by far my slowest recovery. Of course it was also by far my worst set of injuries.

  The de-wiring finally came and they were pulling things out of places better left unspoken. Or I wish they were unspoken. They explained it and I pretended to listen, but really I was just trying to disregard some guy pulling a fifteen-foot wire out of my rectum.

  They had my clothes here. All these visitors and I was still left with my crappy clothes? The clothes I had when I got here. They’d washed them, but they were still ripped and stained and really tattered.

  Someone had recovered both my guns. I tried to power on my pistol, but nothing happened. Finding that it worked would have really cheered me up. My shotgun looked fine, just some scratches.

  I ambulated slowly down the hallway. I passed some patients and a few technicians along the way, and they all stared at me. They seemed amazed I was alive. Me too.

  Got outside the hospital and realized I had three blocks to the train. Then there was more walking after that. I did not believe I could walk all the way to the train in one go, and I didn’t relish resting along the way.

  I could call Garm and get her to drive me, but I knew she would bug me about work. Both my legs could be blown off and she would still blab about how I could help her by crawling after some jerk who owed her money.

  That was Garm. But I didn’t feel like it right now.

  Guy named Heningly I knew drove a cab. Not many in the city, but sometimes you needed stuff moved and had to rent out a car.

  He seemed almost frightened I was calling him, but I explained I just wanted a ride from the hospital.

  I sat down on the steps to wait, as I was already exhausted. Yeah, no way I could have made it to the train.

  Finally, Heningly pulled up out front and I dragged myself down. I got in back as he held the door for me like I was a crippled granny. He didn’t look me in the face.

  The backseat was spacious and had obviously been cleaned all of a few minutes ago, as it smelled strongly of solvent and was still wet at the sides.

  Heningly ran around the front and got in. He did not turn around, but looked in the mirror at me.

  “My apartment is located—,” I began.

  “Oh, I know where you live, sir. I’ll take you right away.”

  We came to my place and I flipped out my tele to pay.

  “How much do I owe you?” I asked, after we arrived at my home.

  Heningly looked scared, his eyes wide and his hands held up as if I were pointing a gun at him.

  “Oh, no. Free! Let me get your door.” And he bolted out of the car and around to my side, where he helped me out.

  “Thanks for the ride. Would have been a tough walk,” I said with a little laugh, feeling happy now that I was in front of my place.

  “You could have made it, Hank. No problem. I’m sure you could have.”

  I looked at him after this strange remark and he panicked again, as if he had said too much. Like discussing my walking habits was a state secret.

  “Good-bye, call any time,” he practically yelled, as he ran to the safety of his car.

  Inside, my place was still messy. I don’t know, somehow I was expecting shining surfaces and plush furniture. In my memories I was such a better decorator.

  After a nap I flipped to The News. The headline was “Conspiracy #3 Details.” I couldn’t make sense of the story, so I opened the first issue since I’d been out. It had videos of me fighting the Dredel Led. Man that looked bad. The funny thing was, the story talked about the robot fleeing me as I tried to engage it. While in gross directional terms that was true, realistically it wasn’t close.

  At the end of the paper was a bit that troubled me:

  Hank has once again become the salvation of Belvaille by vanquishing this metallic villain. But one is inclined to ask the question, why has our nondescript community received such scrutiny? It seems beyond the realm of mere coincidence that a race as advanced as the Dredel Led would chance upon us on a whim. It’s time we come to grips with the dark nature of this space station. More to come, readers.

  The next issue went into speculation. Of course, Rendrae didn’t know the real reason why the robots came, but he did his best to fill in the blanks. And those blanks were that Belvaille was in actuality a secret Colmarian military outpost and they were using the bad reputation of the city as a cover.

  It went on to suggest there was likely a hidden Portal, or series, that led directly to Dredel Led space. Or that their empire was vaster than previously known and actually abutted Belvaille—which would have required a truly vigorous editing of celestial cartography.

  The next issue essentially went after Garm. Rendrae had obviously been saving every drop of mud he had ever gotten on her, because he splashed them across the pages in all their inglorious detail.

  Except that at every turn instead of seeing simple graft, he attributed her actions to some nefarious plot or other.

  In the issue after that he attacked various parties on Belvaille and their potential involvement in the grand schemes. It was true fear-mongering, yet his facts were straight and all of this seemed theoretically possible, albeit unlikely, when read at the same time.

  I mostly escaped his bile, at least in terms of being a conspirator:

  I’ve known Hank for many years and he’s one of the elder residents of Belvaille. I label him a trustworthy person worthy of respect. It’s his own lack of acumen, and childish simplicity, which prevents him from seeing himself as a pawn in the Confederation’s game, however.

  When our Adjunct Overwatch gave the order to bombard the delicate street fight that was ensuing, it was clear she was not only trying to eradicate the Dredel Led, but Hank as well. For she doubtlessly now considers his presence a liability. Who knows her past misdeeds more than Hank, who has so unknowingly helped advance the Colmarian Confederation’s stratagems?

  I practically felt bad for myself for being such a dupe. Not to mention those good-hearted Belvaillian citizens who were being subjected to the unrelenting evil of our government.

  Of course, all of this was preposterous.

  I teled Rendrae so we could talk. After congratulating me on my recovery, we set a time and date to meet. I wanted to set him straight.

  First, I had to see Jyen. I wanted to know why she was putting this station in mortal danger by remaining here with her brother.

  I hung around my place for another day or so, not quite voluntarily. I’d just lie down for a moment to rest and realize three hours had flown by.

  I walked across the street to Jyen’s, rode the elevator up, and buzzed their door. Jyen opened it and the view of their apartment left me horrified.

  It was completely furnished, with junk everywhere
. When I came in I had wanted to see suitcases, not a living space that looked like its occupants never planned on leaving.

  There were chairs, couches, rugs, tables, and a lifetime of knickknacks covering it all. It appeared they had spent every second shopping since I last visited.

  “Why are you still here?”

  “The port is closed. Besides, we didn’t know where to go, or how.”

  “The port is still closed?” I asked. That seemed odd.

  “Yeah. Not one ship has left or entered in more than a month. We’re stranded. Don’t you think Jyonal has done a great job on our apartment?”

  “You realize more Dredel Led could be on their way, right? How pretty your furniture is hardly seems important.”

  At this point a man walked into the room from the back. He was dressed well with a manicured black beard and large sunglasses.

  “Hello, Hank,” he said casually.

  It took me a moment to realize this person was the creature that had once been Jyonal.

  “Is that you?”

  Jyen walked over and proudly stood by her brother.

  “He’s recovered a lot. I told you what they were doing to him while we were incarcerated,” Jyen said.

  Absently, Jyonal injected a drug into his neck. So he hadn’t changed that much.

  His eyes glowed even behind the obscuring glasses as he looked at the floor. I got the idea he was using his mutation, which was absolutely not what I wanted to experience first thing out of the hospital.

  On the ground in front of me appeared a solid cube maybe six inches on all sides. It had swirls of colors all over it, mostly of dark, metallic shades.

  “Do you know what that is?” Jyonal asked after his eyes stopped glowing.

  “No idea,” I said. “It looks kind of psychedelic.”

  “What’s that mean?” Jyen asked curious.

  “Um, it means kind of crappy.”

  “No, silly, it’s our payment,” Jyen said with delight.

  “Payment for what?”

  “For you saving our lives.” Jyen walked closer to me now, looked up into my face, one ear falling over her shoulder. “For fighting the Dredel Led. You could have just let him kill us.”

  “And what’s that?” I answered, pointing at the cube.

  “It’s delfiblinium,” Jyen said. “It was one trick we used to pay for our transport out here.”

  Delfiblinium was some super alloy. It could only be created at the most prestigious labs and in minute quantities.

  This slab of metal was worth a ton. In theory. The problem was finding a buyer anywhere within the entire state of Ginland. I’d be arrested immediately if I tried to sell it. It was just a highly illegal doorstop.

  “Thanks,” I said, not wanting to touch the druggie-spawned metal. “But really, we need to get you two out of here.”

  “How? The port is closed. Even the Portal is shut down,” Jyen complained.

  “The Portal too?” That was really bad. The military controls the Portals. I might be able to get something out of the port, with Garm’s okay, but that was irrelevant if the Portal was shut down. It would take thousands of years to travel to the next inhabited system without a Portal. It simply wasn’t possible.

  “So are you back to full strength?” Jyen asked, after some time of me standing quietly.

  “For the most part, I guess. My teeth are growing, but that will take time.”

  “If you want, I can take a look at them. I made all these myself,” Jyonal said, and he pulled back his lips with his fingers to show off his teeth, which made him look crazier than usual.

  “No, thank you,” I said a little too hastily.

  As I saw it, there wasn’t a whole lot left to talk about.

  “Well, I’m off.”

  “Hank, do you want to come over for dinner later? You’re the only person we know on the station and we’re not sure how safe it is to talk to others,” Jyen pleaded.

  I paused for a bit. I could see being lonely here. I did feel sorry for them in a way. But they were also the kind of people you didn’t want as friends because of their baggage. You know, the hunted-by-two-galactic-empires baggage.

  “How about later this week?” I asked. Hoping Jyonal wouldn’t turn me into a mushroom at the delay.

  Jyen ran up to me and gave me a hug. Jyonal shook my hand while his sister clung to me. Both seemed really tickled I’d consented to dine with them.

  “You’ll have to tell us all about your stories here on Belvaille,” Jyen said, still with her arms on my shoulders.

  “You bet,” I smiled.

  As I was walking to the door, Jyonal said, “Don’t forget that,” as he pointed to the multicolored square on the ground.

  “Oh, right.” I reached down with one hand to pick it up and it didn’t budge. I figured he had melted it to the floor by mistake—which was of course understandable since he had constructed it from thin air using his body, which he’d also constructed from thin air. But no, it was just amazingly heavy. I had to lift it with both hands and use my knees to hoist.

  They used this metal for…I didn’t actually know what they used it for. It was just the punch line to jokes. Like when you wanted to say something was really expensive, you’d ask if it was coated with delfiblinium. I was probably breaking a dozen laws just possessing it—a million laws, knowing the Colmarian legal system. But I wasn’t about to refuse a gift from Jyonal.

  “Bye,” Jyen chirped.

  “Bye bye,” I said, shuffling my way to the door with the metal cube.

  I immediately needed to ask Garm why the Portal was down. No ship around here was going to have an a-drive, which could in essence make its own Portal. They were far too big and costly.

  So that meant until we got the Portal back up, Jyen and Jyonal were our guests.

  CHAPTER 14

  I found Belvaille to be treating me oddly. People who would have normally not hesitated to yell out my name in salutation I found strangely silent. If our eyes met or I said “hi” first, they would give me a hasty wave and quickly avert their gaze. I couldn’t figure out whether they were scared of me or were swallowing Rendrae’s rubbish. Or maybe they were afraid Dredel Led were going to pop out at any moment and start wailing on me—which was, frankly, a fear I also shared.

  Of course quite a number of people treated me very well. I received invitations and gifts from about a dozen bosses, ranging from piles of alcohol to tokens. I put off visiting with any of them until I could get my bearings with Garm. First things first, I wanted to throttle Rendrae for his pointless incitements.

  He had left instructions for me to meet him on one corner at a specific time. When I got there, a kid came up and handed me a note which had instructions on the next place to meet him.

  This went on three more times and I was about ready to go home when Rendrae finally showed up at his last out-of-the-way location, behind a restaurant that had closed years ago.

  “You look ridiculous,” I said.

  While it wasn’t immediately clear who he was, it was clear he was a person trying to hide his identity. With a hood, face mask, gloves, scarf, and trench coat. He had on at least one layer of clothes too many for the controlled atmosphere of Belvaille. Even with his disguise I noticed Rendrae had lost weight since I last saw him.

  “Nice to see you too, Hank. Glad you survived Garm’s assassination attempt. But not all of us are as resilient as you and I must take precautions.”

  “Oh, come on, she didn’t mean to do that. I was waving at her and she misunderstood.”

  “Misunderstood. Hank, you need to wise up. Belvaille is under siege and it’s not by robots. Here we thought we were the one unrestricted station in Colmarian space and it turns out we were the most controlled.”

  “What’s controlled? When has any Colmarian government personnel done anything around here?” I asked, exasperated.

  “Then why is a battlecruiser group headed for us right now?”

  “I don�
�t know what you’re talking about,” I said.

  “There’s a Colmarian Navy battlecruiser group coming to Belvaille,” Rendrae said confidently.

  “I don’t even know what that is, but I assume it’s because we were attacked by aliens. I’d be surprised if the military didn’t come.”

  “And why is the Portal shut down?” he asked accusingly.

  “Same reason, I’d guess. They want to make sure no Dredel Led slip out of here into Colmarian space. I mean we barely caught them as it was. Rendrae, you don’t really believe all this stuff you’re writing, do you?”

  “Of course I believe it.” He was indignant. “Hank, tell me how our station, which specializes in every illegal activity known to Colmarians, has escaped notice for so long?”

  “Because they don’t care,” I practically screamed. “We’re a speck of dirt. We aren’t worth their time.”

  “We seem to be worth their time now.”

  “Yeah, because we just got attacked by Dredel Led. We went from speck of dirt to exploding supernova in terms of danger.”

  “And don’t you find it amazingly odd that a Therezian is here? When he has his choice of any planet and occupation in the galaxy, he chooses to be a doorman on Belvaille. That’s almost insulting to our intelligence. What’s he REALLY guarding?”

  “I wish Wallow wasn’t here,” I said matter-of-factly, as I absently felt my recently rebuilt hipbone. “But who knows the psychology of Therezians? I heard what he’s doing isn’t out of the ordinary.”

  “How about this: did you know your ‘good friend’ Garm was formerly a member of the Colmarian Secret Seven?” Rendrae threw this question like a javelin.

  “No,” I said, thinking. “But she had to come from some department, right? I can’t imagine being sent to Belvaille was a promotion. Look, Rendrae, she’s the most crooked person I know and I mean that as a compliment.”

  “I’ve run checks on about fifty of Garm’s personnel here and guess what, almost all of them have backgrounds in the Colmarian Intelligence Services. Is that also a coincidence? Open your eyes.”

  This was kind of news. I had never paid much attention to Garm’s people. I figured they were mostly just police. Still, Rendrae was being paranoid.