Hard Luck Hank: Screw the Galaxy

by Steven Campbell

  It did sound kind of lousy like that. But I was shocked into silence by Garm’s tears.

  “What do you want me to do, Hank? Eat the delfiblinium? Maybe flush it down the toilet? That’s probably why they haven’t come through yet. They’re waiting for Belvaille to explode.”

  “I was thinking maybe we could put it in a rocket and launch it from a ship before the Navy gets here,” I suggested.

  “Oh, yeah. No one will notice that. We launch missiles all the time on our space station. And Delovoa bought a Dredel Led? He’s dumber than you are.”

  I agreed with her there.

  “What should we do?” I asked.

  “I don’t know,” she answered angrily. “Killing Delovoa would be a good place to start.”

  “I’m not sure how the robot will react,” I replied.

  “What, is it like nipping at his heels? Like a pet?” she asked sarcastically.

  “Yeah, pretty much. Though it’s also knocking apart his walls as it moves around.”

  Garm soaked that in.

  “Why did this have to happen now? Where did you get the metal, Hank?”

  “I promised I wouldn’t tell,” I said.

  Garm was calm. I think because she was spent. Her eyelids looked heavy.

  “I don’t care what you promised. I’m about ready to throw you out the airlock.”

  “That wouldn’t get rid of the metal or the Dredel Led,” I answered. “And you said the Navy wanted to talk to me personally.”

  She smirked at me calling her bluff.

  “Can your pistol destroy the robot?”

  “It’s really big. Much bigger than the others. Delovoa said he had used every tool he had to try and open it up and nothing worked. So I’m not sure. I don’t even know if my pistol still shoots.”

  “That’s great,” Garm said. “I’d say use the delfiblinium on the robot, but that would kill everyone here. Two hundred pounds?”

  Garm put her head in her hands again and I prayed she wasn’t going to cry.

  “What, are you a drug dealer now?” she asked absently, pointing to the drugs Grever Treest had given me. I had been carrying them around for when I eventually went to talk to Jyonal.

  “No, it’s just…” Hey. Jyonal could get rid of that Dredel Led. What was I thinking? I was friends with a level-ten mutant. He could probably turn that robot into a large trash can with just a few drinks. “Never mind,” I said, “I think I might have an idea for the Dredel Led.”

  Garm looked at me with dead eyes.

  “And what is your idea?”

  I went to the door.

  “I’ll take care of it. Should I bring over the delfiblinium?”

  “No, you shouldn’t bring over the delfiblinium,” she answered tersely. “What’s your idea?”

  I was out the door. Garm, who can probably crawl faster than I can run, was right behind me.

  “Guards, stop him,” she said.

  I looked at the two guards, who were sitting down playing cards. They looked back at Garm.

  “Uh,” one of them said.

  “Don’t worry about it, Garm. Trust me.”

  CHAPTER 27

  This wasn’t like the other Dredel Led, who were cannon-toting and rather surly. ZR3 had a one-word vocabulary and enjoyed standing under tarps for years at a stretch. Jyonal wouldn’t have to worry about it attacking him at all.

  I didn’t know how Jyonal’s powers worked. Did he have to see the robot? Could he just think it away? I mean it was undoubtedly the only Dredel Led on the station. Could he just say, “Turn all the robots on Belvaille to rubber”?

  I stopped at my apartment, first to change my socks, then to use the bathroom. I still had the ore and Garm hadn’t given me any hints on how to dispose of it. I suppose I could just leave it out in plain sight at the docks with a sign over it saying, “Free delfiblinium,” for when the Navy arrived.

  I hopped across the street and went up to ask Jyonal how he felt about killing robots.

  The door opened and there stood Jyen with green skin wearing even less clothes than usual.

  “Hank,” she squealed and hugged me.

  “Is Jyonal home?”

  “Do you like it?” she asked, twirling around, showing off her body like she had just discovered it.

  “Yup, so is he here?”

  “I wanted a change of colors. I’m not sure if it’s better than blue. What do you think?”

  “Great,” I said, trying to ignore the half-naked, flirty woman next to me.

  “Hey, now that the Portal is open, do you think we can leave?”

  I looked at her.

  “You guys are leaving again?”

  “Well, you’re coming with us, right?”

  “Is that Hank?”

  Jyonal walked into the room looking good in a custom suit. The design had recently become popular; it was supposed to make guys look tougher with angles everywhere. Both of them looked like true Belvaille natives.

  “Hi,” I said, rushing over to shake his hand.

  “What brings you here?” he asked. “Want to go clubbing?”

  “Hmm. Maybe later. But I was just thinking,” I began. Then realized I had not planned how I was going to broach this. “You want some drugs?” I asked, holding up the bag.

  Jyonal looked disappointed.

  “Oh.”

  Jyen stepped between us and took hold of my arm with both hands. I’m going to have to remember to shove ice in my pants when I come over here.

  “Jyonal has given up drugs,” she said. “Both of us are trying not to use our mutations…”

  “It’s really done nothing but brought us trouble,” Jyonal finished.

  “Yeah,” I agreed quietly. “What if, though,” and I tapped my lips thoughtfully. “What if there was a good reason? Like a Dredel Led nearby.”

  “We’d just ask you to kill it,” Jyen laughed, bouncing on the balls of her feet like a child.

  “But what if it was a really big Dredel Led that I couldn’t kill? In someone’s basement, so I wasn’t sure if I could use my gun on it and I’m not—”

  “Is there a Dredel Led here, Hank?” Jyonal asked.

  I took a deep breath and held up my fingers as if to say, “Let me explain.”

  “Sort of.”

  Both of them immediately looked frightened.

  “Are you going to kill it?” Jyen asked hopefully.

  “Probably not.”

  “And you want me to destroy it? If you can’t, what do you think it will do to me?” Jyonal asked.

  “It’s not—um, it’s not really…” How do I explain this? “It’s just standing there. It’s not violent like the others were.”

  “It’s friendly?” Jyen asked with skepticism.

  “No. It’s more or less dormant.”

  “So it’s not alive?” Jyonal asked.

  “I’m not sure robots are really alive,” I philosophically opined.

  “Alive enough to kill people,” he countered.

  “Look, it’s got someone trapped in his basement and we need to—”

  “Trapped? If it’s dormant, how is it trapping anything?” Jyonal asked.

  I scratched my face.

  “It moves. It seems to be following one guy. Not attacking. Though it does tend to dislike doorways,” I laughed.

  “What’s that mean?” Jyen challenged.

  “Nothing. I mean it’s kind of clumsy, that’s all.”

  “Then why don’t you destroy it?” Jyonal asked.

  “With what?”

  “With whatever you killed the other ones with,” Jyen said.

  “I almost died and this one is much, much bigger.”

  “You said it was dormant,” Jyonal added with a hint of sarcasm.

  “It is now, but if people are hitting it in the back of the head with a sledgehammer, I’m not so sure.”

  “I don’t like the idea of Jyonal having to use drugs and getting near a Dredel Led,” Jyen said firmly.
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br />   “Can’t you do it from here?” I asked.

  “Do what?” Jyonal asked.

  “I don’t know. Vaporize it.”

  Jyonal looked at me like I was extraordinarily stupid.

  “I said it’s not magic. You can’t punch it from here, can you?”

  “I’m not a level-ten mutant. I don’t know how you work,” I said defensively. “You didn’t see all those people when you electrocuted them.”

  “It was an accident,” Jyen blurted.

  “That emanates outward. You’re right, in that case I didn’t see what I was hitting. I can try and vaporize everything on Belvaille if you want.”

  “No, no, that’s okay,” I said quickly. This wasn’t going as well as I had hoped. “So do you need to see it or what?”

  “Yes.”

  “He’s not getting near a Dredel Led,” Jyen stated with authority. “Especially if you’re afraid of it.”

  “I didn’t say I was afraid of it.”

  “You won’t kill it,” she said.

  “Oh, I’m afraid of standing there kicking it, sure.”

  “How did it get here? Is it partners with the other two?” Jyonal asked.

  “No, it’s…a long story. But we need to get rid of it before the Navy touches down.”

  “What happens if I can’t kill it?”

  “And what happens if it attacks him?” Jyen asked.

  “I’ll grab Jyonal and run.”

  “Do you run faster than you walk?” Jyonal asked.

  CHAPTER 28

  When we got to Delovoa’s place it was obvious he had done a little walking around because the door frames were absolutely wrecked, with the walls also dented, presumably from ZR3 following Delovoa.

  “It did that?” Jyonal whispered with trepidation. “Those walls are a foot thick.”

  I shushed him and told him to stay out of sight.

  Delovoa had a beard, he must have lost ten pounds, the circles under his eyes were deep blue. The Dredel Led still stood sentry nearby. It was amusing in a sad way, but Delovoa might have been the most protected man in the entire Colmarian Confederation. What a bodyguard.

  While Jyonal stayed in the other room I spoke down to Delovoa, who was still in the basement cornered by ZR3. I had to try and organize this without revealing Jyonal, because of my promise to keep their identities safe.

  “Okay, I’ve got a way to help you,” I said gently. I was still not overly comfortable yelling over a lumbering Dredel Led.

  “Thank you!” he yelled.

  “What I need you to do, though, is you have to turn away and not turn back no matter what. And don’t—”

  Delovoa immediately faced the wall. I was pretty certain if I told him he had to gnaw off one of his arms, he would have done it if it might mean the robot would finally leave.

  “It’s going to take a bit. So cover your ears and don’t look.”

  Delovoa did so without a word.

  I brought Jyonal gingerly to the edge of the ramp to view the situation. He peeked past me, saw the Dredel Led, and hurried back into the other room.

  “No way,” he whispered, his eyes bulging in fear. I should have given him the drugs first.

  “But look, it’s standing right in front of some guy. And we’re up here and it doesn’t care. Just think of it as a big metal box.”

  After some hesitation, Jyonal cracked open a capsule and rubbed the contents together between his hands like he was trying to warm himself. I wasn’t sure if that was the drug or preparation or what, but I wasn’t about to disturb him.

  If Jyonal could only manipulate things he could see, how did he build his body? How did he like, make his heart? Maybe they were exaggerating. He did look a lot better than when I first saw him, much more complete. Something told me it wasn’t because he was taking vitamins.

  Delovoa was patiently sitting in the corner, not moving an inch. I don’t know why I told him to cover his ears; now I can’t tell him to do anything else if we need him to—not without walking past the Dredel Led, which I wasn’t going to do.

  I stood waiting for a level-ten mutant to get high while staring at a rather large specimen of an aggressive alien species. It troubled me that this did not feel out of the ordinary.

  How was I going to know when Jyonal was ready? Did I point him like a gun and say “bang”?

  Jyonal slid to the floor then fell on his face.

  Next time I’ll ask about this stuff. If I go over there and pick him up, what if he turns me to jelly? I opted to leave him to his own devices.

  Jyonal began mumbling to himself after a while, which was highly unsettling. It was frantic, I’m-not-having-a-good-time mumbling. I became concerned enough that I finally went over to try and rouse him. Gently.

  I got him to his feet and when he opened his eyes, I was practically blinded by that eerie light he projected when he was high. It’s easy to forget you’re standing around a living god when he’s not earthquaking things.

  I moved him to the basement ramp.

  “See, Jyonal? See the robot? Remember?” I said in a motherly voice.

  “Robot. Yeah. Hi there. Haha.”

  “Remember what you have to do?”

  “I got it.”

  He stood up straighter so that I was no longer supporting him. Heat poured off his body, enough that I could feel it from a few feet away. I was watching the robot, waiting for it to explode. I didn’t look directly at Jyonal.

  But ZR3 did.

  It twisted its torso to face us. And then began righting its legs, sending shock waves through the metal floor.

  “Oh, crap.”

  It took one step towards us and I heaved Jyonal over my shoulder and did my best impersonation of an extremely panicked flight out of the building.

  The pounding footsteps of the Dredel Led could still be felt as I left Delovoa’s house, a drugged mutant on my shoulder.

  All I could hear, though, was Jyonal laughing.

  A ways down the street, I felt my feet skidding out from under me and looked down to see my boots had been changed into giant clown shoes. Jyonal laughed even harder.

  “Stop it!” I yelled.

  The flimsy shoes honked in exaggerated clownness as I ran. Then it began to rain.

  I actually stopped and gazed upwards in amazement. It was honestly raining. On a space station.

  Jyonal wore a big, pleasant smile.

  “Ah, don’t look at me,” I said urgently. I didn’t want this freak’s mind wandering while he stared at my face. I might end up with four noses.

  There was no ZR3 that I could see. I don’t know if it had only taken a few steps or if Jyonal had gotten rid of it. But I wasn’t going back.

  I skipped the train and walked with Jyonal. He sobered up fairly quickly. Or became sober enough to talk to anyway, and his eyes, thankfully, stopped glowing. It ceased raining almost immediately. I think it was just in a tiny patch above us, but I couldn’t be sure.

  “I need my old boots back,” I said, holding up his creations. The clown shoes were poorly constructed and hadn’t fit well. But it’s easy to be a critic.

  He laughed at them.

  “Seriously,” I said.

  “I can’t. They’re gone.”

  “Can’t you undo it?”

  “I don’t even know what you were wearing.”

  “They were black boots.”

  “That doesn’t tell me anything, Hank.”

  “And I had a cool gun and that’s”—I looked inside the shoes to be sure—“not here.”

  “Sorry,” he said, rubbing his head. “This is why I gave up drugs.”

  “Did you kill the robot?”

  “No, I couldn’t see it.”

  “How could you possibly not see it?”

  “No, I could visually see it. But I couldn’t ‘see’ it. It wasn’t there.”

  “What?”

  “When I first started training, they would teach me to tell the difference between hallucinations and
reality because I have to use so many drugs with my power. It was almost like that.”

  “Hallucinations don’t tear up metal houses.”

  “I’m just telling you what I saw. Or didn’t see. It’s like it wasn’t real.”

  Jyonal was really tired and I carried him on my back the rest of the way home.

  So we still had a robot and I had no boots.

  I wondered if Delovoa was still sitting in the corner with his hands over his ears.

  CHAPTER 29

  Bright yellow shoes adorned my feet. I didn’t like shoes in general. They didn’t have the same heavy construction as boots, and they tended to tear along the seams when I wore them. But I was tired of having black feet because of ash from the fires and I wasn’t going to wear Jyonal’s clown shoes.

  With the cargo ships here, we had a large assortment of food choices that had been absent before. My stomach had been loudly protesting my new dietary habits.

  I was at a restaurant eating a kind of fried vegetable dipped in a spicy sauce. Not even five bites in, my stomach was already trying to push the food out.

  A trim man wearing sunglasses, a hip beard, and some kind of antique military fatigues sat down across from me at my table.

  “Hank,” he said.

  I had no idea who he was, until:

  “Rendrae?” I asked, shocked.

  He looked around smoothly, trying not to attract attention.

  “No names, please. Good to see you.”

  I could barely recognize him. How did he change so fast? He took from his trousers a pistol that appeared to be bothering him now that he was seated and put it on the table.

  “I’m just calling to check whose side you’re on.”

  “Side of what?” I asked.

  He lowered his sunglasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. As if talking to me these few moments was already frustrating beyond belief.

  “There’s a revolution coming. You know this.” He stated both points as fact.

  “I do?” I was utterly confused, so confused my stomach even seemed to stop complaining.

  “You know about the military here,” he said, and sighed.

  “Yeah, we already went over this. The telescopes and translators and such. I talked to some of those people. They’re fairly reasonable in the right circumstances.”