Hard Luck Hank: Screw the Galaxy

by Steven Campbell

  “Where should I put this, sir?” he asked, as Jyen and Jyonal looked at him, startled.

  “Anywhere is fine.”

  He walked into my kitchen, past the dumbstruck siblings, and put it on the table next to my delfiblinium. He then turned and walked out without so much as looking at anyone.

  “What was that about?” Jyen asked.

  “Right. So the Navy knows about you guys and they’re going to likely need your help,” I confessed.

  “Did you tell them?” Jyonal asked. Was it my imagination or was there an ominous light behind his eyes when he asked that?

  “Not so much tell, but I confirmed,” I said weakly.

  “Hank. We trusted you.” Jyen looked honestly hurt, but I was more concerned with Jyonal, whose jaw was gritted.

  “Look, you can kill me if you want,” I said, regretting that intro immediately, “but the Navy is the least of your worries.”

  “What?” Jyonal asked, his eyes suddenly clear.

  And like a good negotiator, I kept my position of strength.

  “You all are going to have to do what I say when I say it if you want to survive what’s coming.”

  “What’s coming?” Jyen asked feebly.

  I ignored her and went into the kitchen and opened the box, pretending I was a Wardian on a dreadnought.

  “Go back to your apartment. I’ll come talk to you in a day or so. There’s other things I need to get situated first.”

  Then I fixed them with a stern gaze and held it.

  They blinked and slowly walked to the door.

  “But you’re okay?” Jyen asked before going out.

  “No one within 1000 light years of this space station is okay,” I replied coolly.

  I was full of confidence as I strode outside the next day. I adjusted my collar and contacted the Navy on a secret tele channel.

  “Hey, stop blocking Belvaille’s communications,” I ordered.

  The faceless soldier on the other end did some checking and then I heard typing.

  “Give it five minutes for synchronization,” he said.

  Yup, this was my station. Everyone here, everyone in space, in fact billions of people on nearby planets were all relying on me.

  I gave a thumbs-up to the soldiers at a nearby bunker.

  My tele rang, indicating it was now unblocked.

  “Yo,” I said, seeing Garm’s face on the other end.

  “Hank, where are you at?”

  “Eh, just walking.”

  “We heard you were taken by—,” she started.

  “Yeah yeah yeah” I interrupted. “Get everyone together. All the resistance or whatever. Meet at, uh, the Gentleman’s Club.”

  “That place isn’t safe anymore. We should—”

  “Hey,” I interrupted rudely. “Just do it. I got this under control.”

  Garm looked like she was trying to figure out whether to be angry or surprised. I hung up before she decided.

  I then called Delovoa, who answered after a minute.

  “Still alive?” I asked.

  “Barely,” he whispered.

  “Meet at the Gentleman’s Club. Big discussion.”

  “That place isn’t safe.”

  “Just do it.” I clicked off.

  Whistling, I hopped a few trains out west to my secret stash. I was glad to see my Delovoa-constructed closet hadn’t been disturbed and my plasma pistol was still inside.

  I went for a walk, as it was nice to feel at least partially at ease on Belvaille again. Teles kept coming in with suspicious bosses asking for confirmation. Despite the soldiers nearby, I casually confirmed we were meeting at the Gentleman’s Club.

  I went home and took a nap. I then freshened up a bit and headed to the club. The old place was a mere shadow of what it once was, though it still smelled the same.

  Inside, there were thugs and bosses and everyone in between waiting in the cafeteria for me. The bosses were mostly aloof and many stood by the windows, apparently looking out for trouble.

  “Drinks all around,” I yelled to the bartender.

  “We don’t have any alcohol,” he replied.

  “Well then sandwiches,” I said magnanimously.

  He grumbled and went into the kitchen.

  “What are you wearing, Hank?” Rendrae asked suspiciously.

  “This?” I asked nonchalantly. “It’s my uniform.”

  Garm walked up to inspect me, her eyes bulging.

  “You’re an Oberhoffman in the Navy? You work for them now?”

  “We all do,” I said gleefully.

  And I was faced with a room full of resistance fighters who suddenly seemed to realize I was the enemy. About to be murdered in ten different ways, I powered on my friendly plasma pistol and it started the windows rattling.

  “Right,” I said, my face taut. “Let me explain. Jerks.”

  I warily turned off my pistol to be better heard across the room, but I backed up so I could see everyone.

  “I just made a deal with the Navy. Belvaille is going to be an Independent Protectorate of the Colmarian Confederation.”

  Blank stares all around.

  “What’s that mean?”

  “It means we can fly our own flag,” I answered.

  “And what’s that mean?”

  “We rule ourselves,” Garm said slowly. “They can’t search our ships. They can’t tell us to do anything.”

  The room was silent, to my great annoyance. I had been expecting them to celebrate.

  “Don’t you guys get it?” I asked. “This is way more than what you wanted.”

  “So we can get our businesses back?” one boss asked warily.

  “We can do anything,” I exclaimed. “We’re our own country. Sort of.”

  “So the Navy is just going to leave?” Garm asked.

  “Yeah. But they want to lease the telescopes from us,” I cautioned.

  Everyone looked as if I was speaking a foreign language.

  “So why are you wearing that uniform?” Rendrae asked, unconvinced.

  “There’s some stuff I need to organize here. I can’t go bossing a bunch of military groups around as just some normal person.”

  “You negotiated this?” Tamshius asked in awe.

  “Yes,” I said, still waiting impatiently for realization.

  “So we flushed all our product for nothing?” a fat boss named Ameda asked.

  “You can make it back!” I shouted.

  “Do you have any paperwork on this?” Garm asked.

  I threw a copy of the declaration on a nearby table. I didn’t walk away, feeling I was at least no longer in danger of being killed.

  A crowd gathered around the documentation.

  “We can do illegal activities here?” Leeny tried to confirm.

  Before I could talk, Garm spoke for me.

  “We can do anything we want. Hell, we can advertise we’re illegal, because it won’t be illegal here. We can be a damn trade hub, provided we can get more Portals online.”

  “Exactly,” I said, glad my labors were finally getting some appreciation.

  “What is it you have to do?” Rendrae asked with slit eyes.

  “I need to deal with that Dredel Led that’s still running around.”

  The bosses were either reading the document, talking rapidly with one another, or were deep in thought. No one was by the windows anymore.

  “When is the Navy leaving, Hank?” Big Moff asked.

  “Right after they take care of the Boranjame,” I said.

  The enthusiasm evaporated from the room like a fart sucked into space.

  “What?” Garm asked.

  “Yeah, you know that activity you were monitoring out there?” I told her.

  “Oh, no,” she said, looking defeated.

  “There’s a Boranjame ship coming?” the bartender asked, as he paused handing out bad sandwiches.

  “Not exactly here,” I corrected. “In this general area.”

  “W
hat a load of nonsense,” Rendrae grumbled. “They conned you. They got you to gather all the resistance together for a mortal strike. They’re probably waiting outside right now.”

  I sighed and put away my pistol and took out my shotgun.

  “Is that Navy armor?” I asked Rendrae, my gun pointed at him.

  “No, I’m not wearing any,” he lied, his hands up.

  A few men went back to the windows to peek out.

  “The resistance is officially over. As of now. No soldier will shoot at you if you don’t shoot at any soldier. Do you think that whole fleet of ships came here because of Belvaille? The fuel costs alone to get them here were like …you know, a lot. If you want to resist something, resist the Boranjame.”

  “Hank,” Garm said. “If they’re really coming, you have to know we’re going to be killed. This,” she said, holding up the treaty, “doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Have some faith, Garm. But first I’m going to need everyone’s cooperation.”

  CHAPTER 40

  The criminal element of Belvaille could be enormously helpful to the Navy. We knew the station and already had a perfect command structure in place via the gangs. Every citizen could be mobilized if we just enlisted the bosses.

  Therefore, I deputized the bosses and gave them permission to restart all activities—the entertainment would help lower tensions and the revenue would earn Belvaille’s trust. But the primary goal was to assist the military with whatever they needed. We had to quickly convert Belvaille into a full-service drydock.

  Delovoa had been eating his sandwich quietly in the corner as I was putting this together. When people departed, I went to him to start the difficult phase. Garm stayed as well.

  “So how likely is it you can talk to your Dredel Led and stop it?” I asked him.

  “Not likely at all. On further thought, I think it’s malfunctioning. Or in some kind of circuit loop. It’s probably not going to acknowledge any more commands until it’s done,” he said.

  “Done what?” Garm asked.

  Delovoa shrugged.

  “Destroying the station? I don’t know, honestly.”

  “You don’t seem too concerned,” I jabbed.

  “I’m just burnt out. Imagine waking up every morning and seeing it standing over you.”

  “What did you first tell it to start it going?” Garm asked.

  “I don’t know, exactly. I was mixing parts of words. But I was trying to say ‘kill.’”

  “Why were you telling it that?” Garm shouted, throwing her arms up.

  “This was when we were trapped by the Navy at Delovoa’s hideout,” I explained.

  “You work for the Navy. You’re higher rank than I was,” she said, seeming particularly irritated by that fact.

  “This was before that,” I said.

  “Oh.”

  “We’ll have backup, Delovoa.”

  “Start thinking up words and phrases,” I said. “You got it to go berserk in just like ten seconds of trying. You know it’s ancient Colmarian. Work on it.”

  “Work how? I can’t go to my lab and build sentences with metal parts.”

  “I can put you in touch with the Navy. You’re my official advisor now. Garm, what’s a good Navy title for that?” I asked.

  “I don’t know,” she said, annoyed.

  “I’ll give you a title too,” I stated, trying to appease her. “What do you want?”

  “I want the Navy gone and the Boranjame not coming. Barring that, call me whatever you like.”

  “Alright then, Grumpy Garm.”

  “Do I get paid for this?” Delovoa asked, seeming to finally brighten at his prospects.

  “Sure. If we live.”

  Later at Jyen and Jyonal’s apartment, I was trying to squeeze into some Navy body armor when Jyen broke the silence.

  “Will we really be able to do it?”

  “Which part?” I responded, my arm stuck in a piece of armor clearly not designed for me.

  “Any of it.”

  “Sure.” Then, looking at those frightened eyes, I took Jyen by the shoulders and gave her a big, passionate kiss.

  She slapped me.

  “Ouch,” she said, holding her hand.

  “Wait, what? Why’d you hit me?” Wondering if I had misread every signal I had ever gotten from her.

  “That’s for you not wanting to come with us when we had the chance,” she said, miffed.

  “I didn’t even know you guys. Then the Portal was closed. Besides, this is my home. You have to admit, you guys don’t really belong on Belvaille. You’re too nice.”

  “You’re nice,” Jyen countered.

  I looked at her. Was she really that naïve?

  “Jyen. I’m a bully. That’s my job.”

  “But you don’t do it in a mean way,” she said, as if trying to convince herself.

  I sighed and went back to struggling with my armor.

  “Maybe you’re right,” she began, “we probably don’t fit in on Belvaille.”

  Then she put her arms around me and looked deep into my eyes. Her lips were wet.

  The tension was made that much more tense when Jyonal entered the room and cleared his level-ten mutant throat.

  I practically pushed Jyen across the street I was so startled.

  “So where do we find the Dredel Led?” he asked as if he hadn’t seen anything.

  “Finding it isn’t the problem.”

  CHAPTER 41

  I reluctantly left my shotgun at home. It would be of no use to me.

  Jyen, Jyonal, and I went outside to the cars that were waiting. We had borrowed some gang bosses’ cars and thus we looked like an army of pimps. We had ten soldiers, all armed with rockets, everyone wrapped head to toe in thick body plating. I seriously doubted the soldiers would be of use, but if nothing else they were more targets for ZR3 to deal with.

  We drove to pick up Delovoa, who had finally cleaned himself up and actually wore a fine suit.

  “If I’m going to die…,” he started, seeing my expression at his wardrobe.

  “Is Garm going to help?” Jyen asked. For whatever reason, those two didn’t like each other. Sometimes pretty women are like thugs from different gangs: they dislike each other on principle.

  “She’s showing all Belvaille’s secrets to the Navy and helping coordinate. She won’t be any use in this battle, anyway.”

  Jyen seemed pleased with that as we drove off to our deaths.

  “Sir, the target has been located. Twenty-three blocks from here,” one of the soldiers said to me.

  Sir. Strange galaxy we live in.

  “Where’s our other team?” I asked. Wallow being a team unto himself.

  “En route,” he answered.

  I had some small hope Delovoa could stop the robot. I had smaller hope Jyen could maybe phase it. I had a prayer that Jyonal could suddenly “see” it. I had almost no hope the soldiers could do anything. And I knew for a fact I was worthless.

  But Wallow. As he approached us in that silly black armor, probably a millionth as strong as his natural skin, that gigantic truncheon in his hand, it really buoyed the spirits. We all got out of our vehicles.

  “Hank,” he yelled down at me. Seriously, how had I ever pissed him off?

  I looked straight up and realized I could actually fit in his nose. The soldiers were all talking at once trying to calm him, to no avail.

  “We’re on the same side now,” I said.

  Then Jyen abruptly cried out, pointing.

  It was the Dredel Led, and it was moving towards us.

  “Everyone get ready,” I commanded.

  The soldiers fanned out. Jyen did like I told her and got off by herself near a building. Delovoa hid behind one of the cars. Jyonal began taking drugs. And I stood there alone making myself a very convincing target.

  “On my mark,” I shouted.

  “I kill you,” Wallow yelled, and I realized he meant me.

  The robot paused. Maybe it was
deciding what to demolish first in our target-rich environment.

  “Wallow,” I said, momentarily looking away from the machine, “I’m an Oberhoffman in the Navy now.” I stood on my tiptoes so he could be a whole few inches closer and see my insignias. “I’m the highest-ranking person here.”

  At that, ZR3 definitely swiveled and started to run straight at me.

  “Oh, right, so NOW you can understand Colmarian?” I asked it.

  Delovoa began spewing nonsense to the Dredel Led at break-tongue speeds. It was moments from impact with me. I had instructed everyone to give Delovoa as much time as possible before fighting back, as he theorized that once it was engaged in combat, talking to it might be impossible.

  The robot clanged up, its metal feet screeching on the sidewalk. It stopped in front of me, took that huge handless arm, and swung it for a mortal blow to my chest.

  I saw it coming in slow-motion.

  Closer. Closer.

  And it passed right over me.

  Because I ducked.

  I was ducking! I was crouched on my knees, my head down. I couldn’t believe it. I was both surprised and ecstatic. This was easy.

  But the Dredel Led’s torso could spin. So it just whipped around and its other arm hit me in my now-lowered position.

  I went rolling like a ball and crashed into a car, practically splitting it in half.

  My sight dimmed briefly. But I knew I had ducked. It couldn’t take that away from me.

  I heard what sounded like twenty rockets exploding nearby, because twenty rockets exploded nearby.

  I looked up in time to see ZR3 walk over and stand on my leg. There was a terrible cracking noise followed by me shrieking in pain.

  It raised its arm and I knew I had a few moments to live.

  I lay in front of this stark white robot, its crude, hole of an eye staring at me. I wanted to think a profound thought before I died, but all I could think of was, “Ow.”

  There was a blinding flash and for a split-second I thought I might be in some kind of afterlife, but I was in way too much pain for that.

  The light grew so bright I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

  It was Jyen. She was throwing about a hundred thunderstorms at this thing and I was right next to it. I had to cover my face and ears.

  My body shifted and the lightning was over. The Dredel Led had moved.