Here's to Now

by Teagan Hunter

  What went wrong? Hell if I know. We went from moving way too fast to moving slower than a leatherback sea turtle—and they don’t break seven miles per hour.

  Everything was tranquil.

  Until it wasn’t.

  Haley locked the door.

  After spending several nights a week at her apartment for about six months, we stopped talking entirely. I was locked out of her apartment, her heart, her fucking life. Nada. Thoughts ran ragged because there was no indication anything was ever wrong. The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. So, I took her number out of my phone and left her as “Unknown” because I clearly had no idea what exactly was happening between us.

  As okay as I was with keeping our time at night to ourselves at first, it quickly became something I regretted agreeing to, because if someone else had known, I could have talked to them, gained some insight. Anything.

  I missed our nights together. I missed Haley. I wanted to spend time with her, share quiet moments with her, tell her when everything wasn’t okay like I pretended it was.

  But I couldn’t. She’s shut me out entirely. We went from our cheery banter to complete silence. Our once happy nights filled with TV shows, junk food, and getting to know one another turned into…nothing.

  Then it was really nothing, seeing as she shut me out entirely.

  I have no clue what shifted us into this position we’re in—if there even is a “we” anymore—but I’m too scared of losing her entirely to question it. I’ve heard through Hudson that things have been bad with Rae and Haley. I have a feeling it’s what has been keeping her away.

  Or I hope so. Because if I did something wrong and she didn’t tell me, I’m going to be royally pissed.

  I tighten the last lug nut on the car we’re currently working on at Jacked Up and wipe the sweat from my forehead. The shop is blazing hot and my now ever-present underlying anger does nothing but play into the heat. My pocket begins to blare a standard ringtone. I dig out my phone and check the screen. Unknown. An odd, heavy sensation settles in my gut. I’m not going to like this phone call one bit.

  Sighing, I answer. “Hello?”

  The caller is quiet on the other end. There’s not a single cell in my body that isn’t screaming at me to hang up, to move on.

  I don’t. I can’t.

  “I don’t have the patience for this today.”

  “Can we talk?”

  My senses are on high alert, the hairs on the back of my neck bristling in a flash. Her voice sounds scratchy; she’s either been crying or she drank a gallon of sand.

  “What’s wrong?” I demand.

  “I’ve…had a bad day.”

  “Do you need me to come over?”

  She makes an indecipherable noise; I’m not certain if it’s good or bad. “No. Yes.” She pauses. “No.”

  “Are you sure?”

  She sniffles. “No. Can you come by tonight?”

  I hesitate for a brief moment, my head screaming for me to put an end to this weird game I’ve been tangled up in.

  “Of course,” I say, against my better judgment. “I don’t deliver tonight. Is nine thirty good?”

  My brows furrow when she starts crying again. “We don’t have to wait,” she says, referring to when we did wait—wait for Rae to be gone, for her to be in bed, for it to be just us…but we haven’t been us in a long time. “Come whenever.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  Then she hangs up. No goodbye, no thank you, no kiss my ass. Nothing.

  How, after six motherfucking months, can she pick up the phone and call me like nothing’s changed? How can she just expect me to drop everything and run to her? HOW!

  I have to fight hard to not throw my phone in annoyance. I run my hands through my hair, not caring how dirty and greasy they are from working all day.

  “Aghhhhh!” The scream rips through me before I can hold it back.

  “Dude. What the fuck?” Hudson asks as he comes striding out of his office.

  “How in the hell do you do this shit?”

  “Um, what shit?”

  “Relationships! Women! I don’t understand them.”

  By some miracle he doesn’t question the relationship part. Instead, he snorts, saying, “Aren’t you a certified woman whisperer or something?”

  Glaring at him, I say, “Apparently not.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Hudson shakes his head, his eyes full of laughter. “There’s your first problem. Women love to talk about it. That’s their favorite thing—especially when all you want to do is go to bed and she insists on working through it at two in the morning.”

  I raise a curious brow. “Projecting much?”

  “Nah. My girl’s perfect.”

  “Perfectly crazy.”

  He shrugs, not arguing in the least. “So…” he prods.

  I stare blankly at him. His deflating shoulders tell me he gets the message.

  “You still don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Nope.”

  Hudson huffs a laugh. “Your guard’s gotta come down at some point, Gaige.”

  “Bullshit it does.”

  He claps me on the shoulder once. “Good luck, man. I wish whoever your mystery lady is all the luck in the world in breaking through the enigma that is Gaige Addams.”

  I want to laugh at his words, because in this case, I’m not the mystery, it’s her. Haley is the most confusing woman I’ve ever met. I have no idea where to even begin with her—not that I’m a walk in the park or anything. I have my fair share of ambiguity surrounding me. Secret past? Check. Hidden talents? Covered. Quiet, mysterious, handsome guy? I play that card frequently.

  But here’s the deal: I’m not that complicated. I’m a rather simple man. I like what I like, I do what I do. Judgments are passed few and far between and I don’t see fit to butt into other people’s business. My life is just that—my life. I don’t share a lot about me because I don’t feel the need to. If I wanted people to know my sob story, I’d tell them. Oversharing is not on my radar. I much prefer silence.

  Or I used to. Before her, before I knew how good it felt to laugh again. To have fun. To just…be. But this is what we agreed on. Simple. Easy. Friendship. Coexisting. I can do coexisting.

  A rush of annoyance hits me again because we don’t coexist. We don’t…anything. Not anymore.

  I can’t help but think back to when she warned me she was crazy. I just never thought she’d drive me crazy too.

  “Ten ’till go time!” Tucker announces loudly, the same as he does every day.

  Excitement mixed with worry rolls through me. Haley. I’m irritated to the max over the entire scenario with her, yet I want to see her…I think.

  I also want to ask her what the hell happened, what caused us to go from smiles and me sneaking out every morning before she woke to nothing, from cute little notes to nothing. Was it something I said or did? Did we rush our friendship? Misstep somewhere? Was there a line I crossed?

  I feel lost, like I’m floating out in the middle of a vast ocean, nothing around me for hundreds of miles. That’s how it was before a lifeboat drifted my way. Before Haley. Before I knew I could feel again.

  Might as well just feed me to the sharks now.

  Shoving my thoughts aside before I get too worked up, I begin cleaning my workstation, readying to close down for the night. Five minutes later, Hudson gives a wave and heads home. He’s not even two steps out the door before Tucker’s begging me to hurry up so he can split since he has a gig to prepare for. We wash up, change back into our street clothes, and clock out.

  “See ya later, man.”

  “Unfortunately,” I deadpan.

  “You love me and you know it!” Tucker singsongs over his shoulder.

  I ignore him as I climb into my Civic, suddenly a little sad tomorrow is going to be the last day I work with Tucker for a few months since he’s going on tour.
The best part from this last year was moving out of my hellhole apartment and in with Tucker. For the first time in years, I’m living somewhere I feel comfortable enough to leave my bedroom door unlocked at night.

  I crank the engine and hesitate, unsure if I should head home and shower before I go to Haley’s or go straight there.

  The shower wins out.

  The drive to the apartment is quick. I burst through the door, thankful I no longer have to worry about finding a roommate naked on the couch with some girl’s mouth wrapped around his dick. I don’t have that issue now that I live with Tucker.

  I shudder at the memory and briskly make my way back to my bedroom. Glancing over at my bed, there’s a sharp stab to my chest. Images of Haley and me flow through my head like a raging river. The last—and only—time she was at my place, we were snuggled up on my bed together watching whatever it was she brought over. We were full of laughter and light and fun.

  That was the last time we were us.

  Jerking my gaze from the spot that’s currently stabbing at my cold heart like an icepick, I grab some fresh threads and hurry into the bathroom, trying my best to not touch Tucker’s dirty ass underwear strewn all over the floor. I really need to talk to the man about that shit.

  I set the water temperature to blazing hot, thankful Tuck’s place can handle the type of hot I prefer.

  Standing under the near-scalding stream, I squeeze my eyes shut and images of silky light brown hair and kind green eyes flash in my mind. It may have been six months since I saw her, and we may not even be friends at this point, but I can conjure the image of Haley in a heartbeat. I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make my dick hard. Must not stroke off to Haley. Must not stroke off to Haley.

  Six months have gone by since we’ve spoken, we’ve never kissed, never even thought of turning our friendship into anything else, and I still can’t get this woman out of my head.

  I’m tired. I’m horny. And I miss Haley. The combination isn’t good.

  Despite the numerous times I tell myself I shouldn’t, I wrap my hand around my erection, slowly squeezing and pulling on it. I can imagine her spread out across her bed with the sexy-as-hell grin she’s always sporting gracing her lips. Her legs are slightly parted, waiting impatiently for me to bury myself between them. Everything about her, from the way her back is arched out toward me to the way her breaths are coming in uneven pants, is screaming, Fuck me, Gaige.

  I want to. Badly.

  I’ve been without sex for a long time. I want it. I need it. I have no idea if this weird tango we’re doing is the cause, or if it’s because I’ve spent so many nights wrapped around her, but Haley’s been in the forefront of all my fantasies lately. The sparks between us out of bed are enough to ignite a fire. I’m more than willing to stoke the flames at any time.

  My unhurried strokes have picked up the pace and my balls are drawing up tighter and tighter. I can feel an orgasm racing up my spine, and I’m lingering on the edge in the best way possible. One stroke, two, three…

  BOOM!

  There’s a loud thump on the wall next to me and I jerk my hand away, reminded I’m in my apartment with the cranky old lady next door that doesn’t allow you more than a five-minute shower and I don’t in fact have Haley spread before me like a dessert bar, waiting for me to take my fill.

  Motherfucker!

  I hurry through the rest of my shower, my erection long forgotten. All I want is to get to Haley’s and somehow convince her to let me stay the night, because I could really use a good night’s sleep, which is something she provides.

  Real talk: I just want to sleep next to her again.

  My hair isn’t even dry and I’m out the door within three minutes. I trudge my way to my black Civic, noting that I need to get a car wash but pushing it off for another day…again.

  Haley’s. Get to Haley’s.

  I shouldn’t want to run to her when she calls out of the blue. I shouldn’t want to see her after she cut me off with no warning. I shouldn’t want her, period.

  But, I do.

  I made a promise that I’d be there for her at any time, and I need to start keeping my promises no matter what.

  I suppose I’m starting now.

  The drive is quick, not taking more than ten minutes. I inhale a steady breath, needing it to get me through the walk to her door. I’m nervous and tried to talk myself out of coming the entire drive here, but she needs me.

  So, here I am at her doorstep, knocking twice and hoping she’ll let me in this time.

  I hear quiet shuffling from the other side of the door. A deafening click of a lock being pulled out of place sets my teeth on edge. This is it. The last chance. Either she’ll let me in, or not. I hope she’ll let me in to be her friend, the one she turns to. I miss it. I miss what we were becoming. I want that companionship back. I need it, she needs it. We need it.

  The doorknob twists and I know she’s going to let me in.

  “Gaige?”

  I take a step back, surprised. “Rae.”

  “Um, hi. What’s up?”

  Panic races through me and I have no idea what I’m supposed to say or do. Do I tell her I’m here to see Haley? Lie? Run? Because running sounds like a good idea right now.

  “Gaige?” she asks.

  I straighten and say the first thing that pops into my head. “I delivered a pizza in the complex, thought I’d pop by and say hi real quick. So, hi.”

  Worst. Excuse. Ever.

  Her lips twitch. “Hi.”

  “Right. Glad we got that out of the way.”

  “Did Hudson send you? To check on me?”

  “What? No. No, he didn’t. But I wanted to stop by and make sure you were okay.” I rub the back of my neck. “How are you?”

  “I’m…dealing. It’s getting a little stifling here, so I’m sort of glad Hudson asked me to move in when he did. I just need to…” She pauses, taking a shuddered breath. “I need to get away from here.”

  I nod, understanding her in a way she can’t even imagine. Sometimes you do have to get away from everything, from everyone, just leave and not look back. I get it. I’ve been there myself.

  I see movement in the background. It’s Haley, and she doesn’t even stop to look at me. My eyes follow her, noticing how swollen her eyes are. She looks so dejected. I ache to hug her, to tell her it’s all going to be okay, but I also want to remind her how badly she screwed up with Rae, no matter how good of a place it was coming from.

  Haley kept some rather heavy secrets from Rae her entire life, secrets she had no right hide. It wasn’t okay, and it still isn’t okay. There’s going to be a lot of begging and pleading in Haley’s future when it comes to Rae—and rightly so.

  I don’t know all the details—it’s none of my business—but I do know that Hudson and Rae took a two-week break last year because of it. Now, they’re better than ever, so maybe stepping away is exactly what Rae needs to do.

  “You just need a break sometimes.”

  She nods. “A big break.”

  “Not that I want to pry, but…”

  Rae glances behind her, looking for Haley, I assume. Turning back to me, she takes a step closer. She lowers her voice as she says, “Haley’s taking this hard, but I’m just at that point, ya know? It’s been lie after lie for years. Years, Gaige. I need space. We’ve hit a wall. We haven’t spoken in over a month.”

  Before I can stop myself, I’m wrapping my arms around her and pulling her in for a hug because I can’t handle the despair I hear in her voice. She hesitates for a moment then settles into my embrace. Glancing over her shoulder, I see Haley watching us. I can’t tell if it’s anger, annoyance, or sadness in her eyes; it’s almost a mix of all three. Is any of it directed toward me? I have no idea, and even if it is, I don’t care. This moment isn’t about sparing Haley’s feelings; it’s about helping heal Rae’s.

  “You give really good hugs,” Rae says, pulling back.

  I shrug. “I’ve been told tha
t, but don’t tell anyone I did that. I’m very selective about who I give them to.”

  “So I’m special, huh?”

  “You’re okay.”

  She snorts, reaching back to grab her bag and stepping out of the door.

  “Want me to walk you down?” I ask.

  She glances back once more, meeting Haley’s stare for just a brief moment. I can see the way Haley’s eyes fill with tears and watch helplessly as one streaks down her face. Rae sighs sadly and turns back to me, a fake smile on her lips. “Yeah, thanks.”

  I grab her bag from her hands and we silently make our way down the short hall of her building and out the front door. I motion for her to pop her trunk so I can throw her bag in there. Sadness is hanging around her heavily but I can see she’s trying to push through. That’s the one thing I’ve always admired about her—the way she carries herself. No matter what’s going on inside, she always perseveres on the outside. Despite the weight that wants to drag her down, she holds her head high, her shoulders not hanging low in the slightest. If you didn’t know her, you would have no idea how badly she’s hurting on the inside.

  But I know, and I’m so proud of the way she’s handling it.

  She opens up her door, ready to climb inside. I call out to her, stopping her in her tracks.

  “Can I be candid with you?”

  She smiles. “I expect nothing less of you, Gaige.”

  “You’re a damn fine woman, Rae Kamden.”

  Her cheeks burn red; her eyes go big. “I… Thank you.”

  “I just mean that I know you’re fighting some really hard shit inside you right now and the way you’re carrying yourself, the way you hold your head up, it’s commendable. I’m proud to call you my friend, Rae.” I motion my head toward her building. “Whatever’s going on with Haley and you, it’ll sort itself out over time—it always does—but I think you’re making the right choice in stepping away now. Sometimes you just need a breather. Believe me, I know—I’ve been taking one for years.”

  Her eyes narrow at my words. I think it’s the most I’ve ever revealed about myself to her. Honestly, it’s probably the most words I’ve ever spoken to her in one setting.