The Dead and the Gone

by Susan Beth Pfeffer

  "You aren't going to die," Alex said. "And you'll see us again. Now come on. We still have to get to Madison and then walk uptown."

  "Are you tired?" she asked. "Do you want me to carry the duffel bag for a while?"

  "No, of course not," Alex said. "Just walk faster."

  Briana picked up her pace, and the two of them walked more swiftly, resting only at street corners before crossing. The faster they walked, the less Alex thought about how much he was going to miss her.

  By 108th Street, they could see the church up ahead. It was older than St. Margaret's but every bit as imposing. Alex was glad. It made little sense, but it was a relief to see the church look so respectable.

  As they got closer, they saw a girl about Bri's age accompanied by her mother. Alex picked up the pace, and Bri followed his lead. "Are you off to the farm?" Alex asked.

  "Yes," the mother said.

  Alex noticed the girl was weeping.

  "She's homesick already," the mother said. "It's scary for her."

  "I'm Briana," Bri said to the girl. "What's your name?"

  "Ashley," the girl replied.

  "I have a friend named Ashley," Bri said. "She looks a little like you. Have you ever been on a farm?"

  "No," Ashley mumbled.

  "I have," Bri said. "Farms are really nice. Where do you go to school?"

  "Mother of Mercy High School," Ashley said. "I'm a sophomore."

  "I go to Holy Angels," Bri said. "I'm in ninth grade."

  Ashley's mother looked gratefully at Alex. "This has been so hard," she whispered. "But I don't know what else to do."

  "I know," Alex said. "I've been telling Briana how lucky she is."

  They walked into the church together, and found a sign telling them to wait in the basement. When they got there, they found the room filled with girls and their families. A lot of people were crying, and Ashley began weeping again. Alex found two seats for himself and Briana. He held her hand, but she didn't cry.

  "You're being very brave," he told her. "I'm proud of you."

  "I don't want to cry," she said. "Alex, I've been thinking. I need you to promise me something."

  "If I can," he said.

  "No," she said. "You have to promise me this. It's like a holy vow. If you don't, I'm going to get up and leave right now."

  Alex thought about Bri, how few scenes she made compared to Julie's endless whining or Aunt Lorraine's dramatics. "There are things I can't promise," he said. "I can't promise the moon will return to its place, that things will ever be normal again."

  "I know," she said. "And I know you can't promise me that Papi and Mami will come home. But you have to vow to me that you and Julie won't leave the apartment, that you won't disappear on me. You have to vow that you'll stay at home, so I'll always know where you are, so when Papi and Mami and Carlos come home, they'll know where you are and you can tell them where I am and I can come home then. Promise me that, Alex. I can't have you gone like they are."

  "I promise," he said, hoping that if he and Julie ever did have to leave, they'd have time to let Bri know. "We'll stay there for you and Papi and Mami and Carlos."

  "All right," Briana said. "You can go now. You need to get back so Julie will know what's going on."

  "No," Alex said, surprising himself with his vehemence. "I can't just leave you. I have to stay to make sure you get on the van."

  "I told you I would," Bri said. "You can trust me."

  "It's not that," Alex said. He didn't want to tell Bri what he just realized, that if he left without seeing her get on the van, she'd be one of the gone and he couldn't bear that. "I have papers they need. I have to stay until the van gets here."

  "All right," Briana said. "I just thought you might want to go."

  "Bri, I don't like this, either," Alex said. "But it's for the best. For you, and for Julie and me. More food for us. And we won't worry, since we'll know you're being fed and taken care of."

  Briana nodded. "I think I'd like to pray now," she said. "I think the holy madre will make me feel better."

  It was almost three before the van arrived. When it did, the sniffles turned to sobs, and even Alex had to fight tears. Briana was weeping openly as she hugged her brother farewell.

  Alex showed the nun Bri's baptism certificate, report card, and the canceled check. She was older than Alex had expected but she looked kind, and she smiled at Bri and welcomed her aboard. Alex loaded the duffel bag onto the overhead rack. The girls crowded in, and Alex noted that Briana sat next to Ashley. She'd already begun making friends, he thought, feeling proud. Her courage and her faith would be an example for all the other girls.

  It was too late to go back to Holy Angels and find Julie, he realized as he began the walk back. Better to go straight to the apartment. He'd been avoiding thinking about Julie and how she'd feel, since the important thing was taking care of Briana, getting her to a place of safety. He knew Julie loved Bri, but he couldn't help thinking there was a part of her that would be glad to be the only girl in the household.

  It would be hard for him, having Julie without Bri serving as a buffer. But Julie would learn to respect his decisions. She wasn't a bad kid, just spoiled and treated like a baby for too long. Her baby days were over. The world had no more room for twelve-year-old babies.

  They'd start tonight, he decided. From now on, Julie would be making supper. She'd get to decide what they'd eat. Bri had been doing the cooking, such as it was, but now Julie would. It would mean more work for her, but more responsibility as well. And she wouldn't be able to complain about the choices if she was the one doing the choosing.

  Alex felt proud of himself. He was doing everything he had to do. It was hard for him, hard for all of them, but he pictured Bri and how brave she was, and he felt a new surge of pride. Carlos would say Bri was brave because she was the sister of a Marine, but Alex was learning there were a lot of different ways of being a fighter. Even Papi would be proud of Alex. When he came back, he'd treat Alex with a newfound respect.

  He was sweaty, tired, and hungry by the time he unlocked the door to the apartment. It no longer mattered to him what Julie chose to make for their supper, just as long as she prepared it immediately.

  But Julie was in no state to make supper. She ran straight at Alex, and instead of greeting him with a hug, began pummeling his chest with her fists.

  "Where were you?" she screamed. "Where's Bri? What have you done with Bri? I thought you were both gone forever, that you'd left me behind. I hate you! I hate you!"

  Alex grabbed her wrists and held them tightly. "Stop it," he said. "You know we would never leave you behind. Stop acting like a baby."

  "You're hurting me," she said.

  "You hurt me," he said. "Punching me like that. Would you ever do that to Papi?"

  "You're not Papi," Julie said.

  "I'm in charge," Alex said. "Until Papi comes home, and you'll respect me like you respect him. Now if you'll behave yourself, I'll tell you where Bri is."

  Julie glared at him, but she kept quiet.

  "Father Franco told me about a convent upstate that has its own farm," Alex said. "The sisters decided to open the convent to teenage Catholic girls. Bri is old enough so she got to go. You're too young so you're staying here. That's all. No one's disappeared on you. I would have picked you up at Holy Angels, but the van to the convent came late and I didn't have the chance."

  "Is she coming back?" Julie asked.

  "Not tonight," Alex said. "It's like camp, or school. Maybe she'll like it so much, she'll become a nun. You should be happy for her, that she's someplace safe, where she'll make friends and have food to eat. And I'll take care of you. But you have to obey me just like you obey Papi, because that's what he and Mami would expect of you. Do you feel better now? Do you have any other questions?"

  Julie continued to look sullen. "Are you going to send me away?" she asked. "Like you sent Bri?"

  "I'm going to do what's best for you," Alex said. "You're
my responsibility, and I'll make sure you're safe. Maybe you'll stay with me or maybe you'll go someplace else. Either way, I expect you to be as brave as Bri. She prayed to our Holy Mother for strength, and Mary granted it to her. Bri comforted another girl who was crying. A girl older than her. Do you think you can be that brave?"

  "Promise me you won't leave without telling me," Julie said. "Alex, I was so scared. Promise me that."

  "I promise," Alex said. "Now how about making supper for us. I don't know about you, but even a can of spinach sounds good to me right now."

  "Okay," Julie said. "Do you want some salmon with that? I think we still have a can left."

  "It's up to you," Alex said. "From now on, you're in charge of the kitchen." He realized what the consequences of that might be. "But don't use up our food too fast," he added. "Maybe just the spinach for tonight."

  "All right," Julie said. "I'll be careful. I promise I will be. And I'll be good. Just don't leave me again."

  "I won't," Alex said. "I promise." Half a can of spinach, he thought. No breakfast, no lunch, and a half a can of spinach for supper. He could only hope that Bri would be eating more than that at the convent.

  Chapter 6

  Sunday, June 12

  After Mass, Julie asked Alex's permission to spend the afternoon at her friend Lauren's and Alex gladly said yes. He and Julie had an uneasy peace going, with neither of them saying very much for fear of provoking the other. An afternoon of not having to watch every word he said to his kid sister definitely had its appeal.

  Father Franco had made a point of stopping Alex after church to tell him he'd heard from Sister Grace that Briana was making a successful adjustment to her new life.

  Alex wasn't certain whether he'd tell Julie. She hadn't mentioned Bri since that first afternoon, except to complain that her toothbrush was missing. Alex found an unused one in the medicine cabinet, and that seemed to satisfy her. He knew Julie missed Bri as much as he did, but whatever pain Julie was feeling she kept to herself, for which Alex was very grateful. He had no words to comfort her, not having any to comfort himself.

  The electricity was out when he got home. They hadn't had any on Saturday, either, and the apartment, which never got much natural light, was dark and unwelcoming. Alex picked up a flashlight and his chemistry textbook. Finals were coming and this was as good a time to study as any.

  He was startled by a tapping on the window. Looking up, he saw Uncle Jimmy. The last time Jimmy had done that, there had been food. Maybe Jimmy had gotten a delivery and was offering to share some with his sister's children. Alex rushed to open the door.

  Jimmy entered the apartment and sat down on the sofa. "You kids are taking good care of the place," he said. "Your parents would be pleased."

  "Thanks," Alex said.

  "I feel kind of funny about this, but Lorraine seems to think it's a good idea," Jimmy began. "The thing is, we're moving out. There's a little bit of food coming in, but I can't afford what they're charging and even if I could, my customers sure can't, so there's no point pretending I can make a go of the bodega. And Lorraine's convinced New York is going to sink. You know how she is."

  Alex nodded.

  "She may be right," Uncle Jimmy said. "Things are going from bad to worse; a fool can see that. I have my kids to take care of. Anyway, we're getting out while we can. Lorraine has cousins in Tulsa, si Dios quiere, we'll be able to get gas on the way."

  "Thank you for letting me know," Alex said. "You and Aunt Lorraine saved our lives with the food you gave us. I hope you get there without too many problems."

  "Me too," Uncle Jimmy said. "But the reason I came over—well, of course we wouldn't have just vanished on you—but Lorraine and I talked about it, and we'd like to take Briana with us. Ordinarily we'd offer to take all of you, or at least the girls, but it's hard to know just what's going to happen with food and everything. Lorraine's pregnant again."

  "I didn't know," Alex said. "Congratulations."

  Jimmy scowled. "Not great timing," he said. "Four little ones under the age of six with all this going on. Bri would be a big help, and if things are okay in Tulsa, we'd be providing her with a good home. Is it a deal?"

  "No," Alex said. "I mean it's very nice of you, Uncle Jimmy, but Bri isn't here anymore."

  "No?" Jimmy said. "Where is she?"

  "I should have told you," Alex said. "Our priest heard there was a convent upstate that was taking in teenage girls. Bri left Thursday."

  Uncle Jimmy nodded thoughtfully. "That would make Isabella very happy," he said. "Well, Lorraine might not like it, but we could take Julie, I guess. She'd be better than nothing. And I liked how she worked at the bodega that morning. Yeah, I think I could convince Lorraine to take Julie instead. How about it?"

  "Do I have to let you know right now?" Alex asked, feeling a strong need to make lists of arguments in favor and against.

  "Yeah," Jimmy said. "It's gonna be hard enough, me convincing Lorraine Julie'll work as hard as Bri, without me going home saying 'Alex don't know.' We're leaving first thing tomorrow. Where is Julie, anyway?"

  "At a friend's," Alex said. He pictured what things would be like without Julie around, without the constant tension.

  Then he thought about how it would feel to have nobody, to have his entire family gone. Maybe Jimmy would end up in Tulsa, but maybe not. Phone service came and went. The mail couldn't be counted on. Julie could vanish, the same as Carlos, the same as Papi and Mami.

  And he'd vowed to Bri that he and Julie would stay home. What kind of vow was it if he broke it four days later?

  "I don't think so," Alex said. "I'm really sorry, Uncle Jimmy, but I think Julie'll be better off here with me."

  "I know Lorraine and Julie don't get along too good, but that'll change," Uncle Jimmy said. "You won't be able to stay here much longer. When it's time for you to go, it's going to be easier if you don't have Julie to worry about. You did the right thing sending Bri away. Now do the same for Julie."

  Alex knew Uncle Jimmy was right. Sure, he and Lorraine would work Julie hard, but as long as they had food and a home, Julie would, too. And things might be better in Tulsa. He couldn't even be sure schools would be open in New York in the fall, assuming they could get enough food to make it until then.

  But Julie would be miserable and Alex just couldn't do it to her. Not to her, not to Bri, not to himself. Besides, what if Papi or Mami came home, and he had no way of finding Julie?

  "Thanks," he said. "But we'll manage. If it gets too bad, we'll find someplace to go."

  Uncle Jimmy got up and hugged Alex hard. "You're a good boy," he said. "Isabella was always so proud of you, how good you do in school. You're not so tough, but you're strong. We'll be staying with Miguel Flores on East Eightieth Street. Maybe someday you'll make it there, all of you."

  "My prayers are with you," Alex said as he saw his uncle out. What was he doing, he asked himself, sending Bri into the arms of strangers and preventing Julie from going off with family?

  Oh Mami, he cried silently. Papi. Come back. I'm more lost now than you are.

  Tuesday, June 14

  "Before we celebrate Mass, I have been instructed by the archdiocese to take a survey," Father Mulrooney thundered. Alex remained impressed with how much sound could come out of such a thin body. "I want a show of hands. How many of you have been informed by your parents that you will be leaving New York City for good at the end of the school year?"

  About a third of the boys raised their hands.

  "Very well," Father Mulrooney said. "How many have been told your families will be leaving New York City by September?"

  Maybe another third raised their hands.

  "Just to make sure that you're listening," Father Mulrooney said. "Raise your hands if you've been told you will not be returning to St. Vincent de Paul Academy next September. Seniors, raise your hands as well."

  So many hands went up, Alex began to fear he was the only student who intended to stay in the city
.

  "Now let me see a show of hands of those who have not been informed that they're leaving New York," Father Mulrooney instructed.

  Alex reluctantly raised his hand. He was relieved to see at least some other hands go up. Some of them, he thought, probably would be gone also, but just didn't know it. And under ordinary circumstances there would be a class of seventh graders to replace the seniors. So he doubted the accuracy of the numbers.

  Were any of his friends among those planning to stay? Hands went down too fast for him to be sure. But then again, did he really have any friends? Or were they all like Danny O'Brien, friendly on the outside but cold where it counted?

  At least with Chris I knew where I stood, Alex thought.

  After Mass Kevin Daley sauntered up to him. "Hey, Morales," he said. "I see you're planning to stick around for a while."

  "That's the plan," Alex said as though he had plans.

  "I'll be here," Kevin said.

  "Great," Alex said. At least he'd have one runty, cynical weasel to hang out with.

  Wednesday, June 15

  It had been four weeks since the asteroid had knocked the moon just a little closer to earth, four weeks of untold devastation and death. Four weeks since Alex had last heard from his parents and one day short of that since he'd last spoken to his brother.

  He and Julie went to the evening Mass for the dead at St. Margaret's. Two Masses in one day, he thought. Mami would be sure I had a vocation.

  The church was full to overflowing. If other people there took comfort from the service, Alex couldn't tell. Julie, he noticed, looked a little bored. And he felt nothing. It was easier that way.

  Saturday, June 18

  "I tried calling Uncle Jimmy," Julie told Alex over what passed for lunch, half a can each of kidney beans, "to see if he had any food he could give us. But no one answered."

  "He's gone," Alex replied. "He and Lorraine took the kids. They're hoping to get to Tulsa. They left a few days ago."

  "Oh," Julie said.