Rescuing the Paramedic's Heart

by Emily Forbes

Ryder’s knees were like jelly. Goosebumps covered his skin and he knew he should get warm but his legs weren’t steady enough to support him. He knelt in the sand to give himself a minute to recover.

  ‘How are you doing?’

  He looked up to find Jet standing in front of him. He was holding out a beach towel and Ryder took it and wrapped it around himself as he tried to stop the shivering.

  ‘I’m okay,’ he said, even though he wasn’t. He was far from okay, but he wasn’t about to have that conversation here, now, on the sand in the midst of the crowd. He didn’t want strangers hearing his thoughts. Hearing him confess his regrets. His guilt.

  He felt responsible for the situation they found themselves in. Had it been Sergei he’d seen earlier? Had he raised a hand? Had he requested assistance? Had he been to blame? Was there more he could have done?

  ‘You should go up to the tower and get warm,’ Jet said.

  ‘In a minute.’ Like the rest of the crowd he couldn’t make himself move away but he had more invested in the outcome. Not that he thought, for one minute, it would be anything but tragic, but he was going to force himself to stay until the end. He owed Sergei that much.

  He got to his feet. There was nothing he could do for Sergei but perhaps there was something he could do for Mika.

  He walked over to where Poppy and Mika were sitting and sat beside Poppy. She had Mika wrapped in a space blanket, trying to combat the cold and the shock. An oxygen cylinder stood at the ready. Just in case. He could tell Poppy wanted to shield Mika from the drama, wanted to protect her, but Mika was only half turned away and Ryder could understand her compulsion to watch. As if she could ward off the inevitable if she was brave enough to watch.

  Mika looked across at Ryder. ‘He is not going to be okay, is he?’

  Her voice was flat. She wasn’t asking a question but stating a fact.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘No one saw him go under.’

  * * *

  Ryder sounded exhausted and Poppy knew he was trying to keep his emotions under control. She knew he would be struggling to make sense of the tragedy, knew his mind would be churning with questions, wondering if there was anything else he could have done.

  She had seen him pull Sergei to the surface and she could imagine how he was feeling. She had seen plenty of dead bodies in her line of work and she knew Ryder would have seen his fair share too but you never became immune to the suffering, the loss, the effect that someone’s passing had on family and loved ones. And with someone who was young, whose death had in all likelihood been avoidable, it was especially difficult to accept.

  She could feel the tension in his shoulders, could see it in the set of his jaw, and knew he was fighting to hold himself together. She knew he wouldn’t want to lose his composure in public.

  She wished she could take him in her arms and make everything better, but for now all she could do was let him know she was there for him. She slid her free hand under the towel that was wrapped around his shoulders. Her fingers found his and she squeezed his hand gently, reassuring him, trying to comfort him with her presence, but there was no response from Ryder. His hand was cold and still. He didn’t react, she got nothing back.

  Was he upset with her?

  She knew she’d ruined his plans but there would be other weekends. She’d thought he would understand. He always had. He always knew what she was thinking, how she was feeling, without her having to spell it out for him.

  Perhaps it was just the stress of the day. Perhaps he wasn’t upset with her but upset with the situation. That was understandable. She would make it up to him, she promised herself. This time she would be a shoulder for him to lean on.

  * * *

  To their credit the medics tried everything possible in difficult conditions but their resuscitation efforts were in vain. The defibrillator reported no shockable rhythm and the drugs didn’t work. The intensive care specialist eventually called time of death and Sergei was covered with a sheet.

  ‘I need to get Mika to the ambulance,’ Poppy said to Ryder as the other paramedics, lifeguards and police moved Sergei to a stretcher and lifted it, preparing to carry him off the beach. ‘I’ll meet you at the tower.’

  She was loath to leave him but she had a job to do. But the sooner she had Mika sorted the sooner she would be able to give Ryder her attention.

  ‘Come with me, Mika.’ She kept her arm wrapped around the woman’s shoulders and led her across the sand. She doubted she would be able to walk across the beach without assistance. Without someone to gently encourage her to put one foot in front of the other.

  News crews and beachgoers lined the promenade. They were being held back by the police but Poppy also wanted to shield Mika from curious spectators. She had enough to deal with. The emergency services workers were met with silence but Poppy could still feel hundreds of eyes watching them. It was an uncomfortable sensation. As quickly as she could she got Mika sorted, handing her over to a policewoman who would take care of her. Mika didn’t need medical attention, the police would look after her, leaving Poppy and her colleague, Alex, free to check on the lifeguards. She passed Mika and Sergei’s belongings over and went to tell Alex to meet her in the tower.

  Ryder was sitting by the desk, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, staring at the floor. Poppy went to him without hesitation. She put her hand on his shoulder and he lifted his head. He looked wiped out, mentally and emotionally exhausted. She stepped closer, between his knees, and held his head against her. She didn’t speak. What could she say?

  She rubbed his back, her hand making small, firm circles, reassuring him through touch, but Ryder still didn’t respond. He had dropped his hands but otherwise was motionless. It was almost as though he was completely unaware of her presence.

  Jet had boiled the kettle and handed Ryder and Bluey each a mug of hot coffee. Poppy could smell something else. Whisky? Had he added a dash? It wouldn’t hurt.

  ‘What now?’ she asked him.

  ‘It’s almost seven. Dutchy can close the beach and we’ll have a debrief.’

  ‘Ryder and Bluey need to get warm. They need to shower and change.’

  Jet nodded. ‘They can head to the shower block now, we’ll manage the beach.’

  Ryder still hadn’t spoken and Poppy was worried. She bent down and kissed him gently, focussing his attention on her for a moment. ‘I’ll come back after my shift,’ she said, ‘and take you home with me.’

  She would be his sounding board, she would give him someone to lean on, to talk to. It was her turn to listen and this time she would be there for him.

  * * *

  By the time Poppy returned to the lifeguard tower Ryder was showered and dressed. He had changed into jeans and a T-shirt and had thrown a thick, warm jacket over his top but he still felt cold and, if he was honest, he didn’t really feel like company. In fact, he’d had deliberated long and hard about whether or not he’d wait for Poppy to come back.

  His mind had been spinning in the shower and he’d had trouble sorting through one thought before another one would take over. Could he have done more? Could he have saved Sergei? Life was short, and today’s tragedy reinforced that fact. What did he want from his life? What did Poppy want? Did she want him? Did they have a future? Where would they go from here?

  He was still trying to process his thoughts when Poppy walked in. If he’d wanted to escape he’d missed his opportunity.

  ‘How’s Mika doing?’ he asked, forcing himself to say something.

  ‘She’s in good hands. She’s with a social worker. She’ll organise embassy assistance and a translator and whatever else Mika needs.’

  Ryder nodded but couldn’t find the energy to continue the conversation.

  Poppy reached for his hands and tugged him out of the chair. ‘Come on, time to go.’

  He let
her lead him outside. It was easier to stay silent and go with her than to explain how he was feeling. There were things they needed to sort out. Sergei’s death had crystallised his thoughts in one respect. Life was tenuous and he wasn’t prepared to sit around and wait for Poppy to decide if she wanted a relationship with him or not.

  He needed to know how she felt.

  He loved her and he needed to hear how she felt. He needed to know if she was going to take a chance on love. On him.

  He didn’t want to lose Poppy but if they didn’t have a future he wanted to know.

  * * *

  Ryder hadn’t said one word during the drive home and even though it was only a short distance Poppy’s concern escalated. He was usually the first to make conversation but his responses to her attempts to talk were monosyllabic at best and once they were inside things didn’t improve.

  ‘Are you hungry?’ she asked.

  ‘No.’

  ‘I think you should eat something. I’ll make cheesy treats. Comfort food.’

  He gave her a half-smile in reply but nothing more.

  She fed him, hoping food would improve his state of mind. She waited until he had demolished the sandwiches before testing the waters again.

  ‘Any better?’

  ‘Not really.’

  She nestled into his side and put her hand on his chest, connecting them together. ‘It was a tragic accident,’ she said, trying to reassure him. ‘Everyone did their best.’

  ‘Did I?’ he sighed. ‘Do you know I thought I’d seen a raised hand in Backpackers’ earlier in the afternoon. I went out looking but didn’t find anything. What if that was Sergei? What if I missed something?’

  ‘Why would you think that? Sergei wasn’t reported missing until late in the day and no one else saw anything. I was on the beach, listening, when you were searching. No one suspected anything untoward.’

  ‘You know how silently and quickly people drown. What if I could have done more? What if this is my fault? There hasn’t been a death from drowning at Bondi for several years.’

  ‘But there have been deaths from other causes. As lifeguards, do you blame yourselves every time?’

  ‘To a degree. Don’t you?’

  ‘As a paramedic I’ve learned that people die. Sometimes we are able to help, sometimes we aren’t, but it’s not helpful to dwell on the fatalities. We hope to learn from any mistakes but sometimes there is nothing that can be done. Doing our best is all that’s possible.’

  ‘I’m not sure that I did my best.’

  ‘Bondi Beach isn’t only your responsibility. No one else noticed Sergei in trouble. Not another lifeguard, not the tower, not a surfer. His girlfriend didn’t even know. You can’t blame yourself.’

  ‘I’m sure Mika does.’

  ‘Oh, Ryder. I don’t think anyone will think this is your fault.’ She hugged him tightly, wishing she could take his pain away or at least share it. She hated to see him hurting.

  ‘I might not be totally to blame but I have to take some of the responsibility. One minute Mika and Sergei are enjoying a trip to Australia, a day at the beach, and the next Mika is dealing with her boyfriend’s body. It made me think about my life. My mortality. My future. It made me think about what I want. Each of us has limited time and I want to make the most of my life. I want to be happy. I want to make a difference. I want to be someone’s priority. I want to be your priority.’

  Poppy went cold. Her hands trembled and her heart pounded and she knew it was fear.

  She needed Ryder, she loved him, but she heard his unspoken words and she couldn’t disagree. She hadn’t put him first.

  She had never told him how she felt. She hadn’t told him or shown him. She’d just expected him to know—he’d always known what she was thinking. She’d thought he’d know how she felt, how important he was to her. ‘You...’

  ‘I what?’ he prompted. ‘I am your priority?’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t think so. Your house, your career, your bank balance, you’ve chosen all of that over me. I shouldn’t have been at work today. I was only there because you changed our plans. You chose to go to work instead of spending time with me. If I hadn’t been at work maybe Sergei would have been someone else’s responsibility. Maybe someone else would have saved him.’

  ‘You’re blaming me?’

  ‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘Not for Sergei. That’s my cross to bear. But I don’t think you and I want the same things and it makes me wonder what I’m doing here. My job here is temporary and today I didn’t even do it well. I’ve got a job waiting for me in Perth. You’ve got your house in Brisbane, your career. If we want different things then there’s nothing to keep me here.’

  ‘What are you saying?’ Poppy was shaking now.

  ‘You need to work out what you want. You need to decide if you have room for me in your life. I had to leave you twelve years ago and I don’t want to leave you again but life is short. I don’t want to always be waiting.’

  ‘You’re leaving?’

  ‘I have a job waiting for me in Perth. It’s time.’

  ‘You’re going back to Perth!?’ He couldn’t mean it. He couldn’t be talking about leaving her again.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about my options for a while, today’s events just helped to clarify my future for me.’

  ‘No.’ She couldn’t let him go. She couldn’t lose him. Not again. She needed more time. ‘You need to rest. Things won’t seem so grim in the morning, they never do.’

  ‘I don’t see what will change. In the morning Sergei will still be dead and I’ll still be waiting for you to choose me.’

  She wasn’t ready to let him go. ‘Come to bed. Let me comfort you,’ she said, but Ryder shook his head.

  ‘No. I’m not going to be good company, I need to be alone.’

  She stood in the passage and watched as he walked out the door. The words she knew she should have said stuck in her throat, threatening to choke her. She had lied to herself. Told herself that she didn’t want anything serious, that she wouldn’t fall in love, but the truth was she’d already been in love. She had always loved Ryder.

  Why couldn’t she tell him?

  She sank to the floor as the door closed behind him. Her legs couldn’t support her any longer.

  Had that just happened? Had Ryder left her? Had she lost him again?

  Tears ran down her face as she grappled with the thought that once more she’d been rejected. But she couldn’t blame Ryder. This was all her fault.

  He was right. She’d put her house before him. How stupid was she? What was the point of having a home if she didn’t have Ryder?

  She’d wanted a life that was safe and predictable but that wasn’t realistic. Life wasn’t safe and predictable and a life without Ryder would mean nothing. She couldn’t let him go. She’d give up everything she had if she got to keep Ryder.

  She had to let him know.

  She thought about going after him but her legs wouldn’t move and she knew she needed to work through this. She would only get one chance, she needed to make it count.

  She needed a plan. She needed to prepare.

  Tomorrow she would put the wheels in motion. She would show Ryder how she felt. She would speak to Craig and agree to put the house on the market, that would be the first step, and then she’d speak to Ryder. She had time. He wouldn’t leave her tomorrow.

  * * *

  Ryder sat in the wooden lifeguard tower at Tamarama Beach and tried to concentrate on the ocean. It was a glorious day but even the early morning surf he’d had and the sight of the sun on the ocean couldn’t lift his spirits. He was struggling to reconcile himself with Sergei’s death and the part he’d had to play. A lot had gone wrong and he accepted that most of it was not his responsibility. Sergei shouldn’t have been swimming at the southern end of the beach but if Mika hadn’t
fallen asleep it could have been different. If Sergei had been a stronger swimmer, if his foot hadn’t got stuck, if someone else had seen something, the outcome could have been very different.

  In hindsight he knew he’d done his best and he knew he couldn’t change what had happened but next time he’d trust his instincts. But Sergei’s death wasn’t the only problem. He was in a bad mood and he knew it was because of his uncertainty over Poppy.

  Sergei’s death had reinforced for him that losing someone you loved had to be the worst pain imaginable and he was terrified he was going to lose Poppy. He’d given her a chance to tell him how she felt and she’d told him nothing.

  He’d thought he understood her, sometimes he’d thought he knew her better than she knew herself, but in this case he was flying blind. He’d thought she loved him but he wondered now if he really knew her at all. He had no idea what she was thinking and he could go crazy trying to figure her out.

  He didn’t want to be without her but a relationship had to be a reciprocal agreement. If she didn’t love him then he’d have to accept they were done. They had no future.

  If she didn’t want him, if she didn’t need him, he’d go home. Back to Perth. He wasn’t sure that his mother or sister needed him any more either but they were family. He didn’t want to leave Poppy, but if she didn’t want him he had no reason to stay in Bondi.

  He loved her but he’d got over her once before.

  He didn’t want to do it again but the situation was out of his hands. It was up to Poppy.

  He sighed and picked up the binoculars and scanned the surf. Jet had suggested that he take the day off but he’d insisted on keeping his shift. It was better to be busy. It gave him less time to think about Sergei. Less time to think about Poppy.

  Tamarama had two permanent rips and was one of Sydney’s most treacherous beaches. It was adjacent Bondi, one beach further south, and was staffed by the Bondi lifeguards during the busy summer period. Ryder could see many experienced surfers in the water but it was the inexperienced ones he was keeping under surveillance. He wished there was a way of discouraging novice surfers to avoid Tamarama but it was a popular surf spot with good consistent waves.