Till Death Us Do Part

by V, Krissy

  WHEN I WAKE UP in the morning, I go down for breakfast and try to decide what to do with my day. Me, Mum and Dad talk about my house and whether I should put it on the market as I’m not sure I want to live in it with the memories that I have. Unfortunately, my memories are tainted by the last month or so and I can’t seem to get any of the good memories back. We ring around estate agents to see what kind of price I can get for the house and then we arrange a few viewings. The house is still tidy from when Kammie, Luca and Caleb cleaned it up and it is the perfect time for the estate agent to come and see it and take pictures. I know the market is slow right now, but I’m not in a hurry to sell it.

  We go for lunch at The White Lion Bar and just have a relaxing, quiet day. It seems to be a day for reflecting on what happened and how I can move on. When we have finished lunch and are sitting drinking coffee Mum says “Tasha, me and Dad have been talking and we think you should go and see the counsellor, what was her name? Sally, that’s it!”

  “I think you’re right Mum, I was hoping I could cope with this on my own and didn’t need any other help, but I suppose it won’t hurt to ring her and make an appointment” I smile and I see Mum physically relax, she obviously thought she was going to have a fight on her hands.

  “That’s great Tasha, I’m delighted, we will take you in and wait for you, you don’t have to do this on your own, we are here to help you always” she says smiling.

  “Thanks Mum, I know you both are here for me”

  Dad drops me and Mum into the city so that we can look around the shops and so that I can get myself some new clothes for work and I want to have my hair cut, I suppose I want to treat myself and feel like Tasha again.

  We walk around chatting and laughing, I feel a little bit guilty about having fun when Felix has only just been buried, but he made me think that I was worthless over the last couple of months and I need this for me.

  On the way to lunch I show Mum where the office to Blue Eye is, it’s a magnificent building and we walk past and look into reception. I can’t believe I will be starting work there on Monday. The girl on reception looks up and smiles at me, she gives me a little wave and then she has to answer the phone. “Wow, that was nice of her Tasha, she obviously recognised you. I think you will be very happy working there, I didn’t think it was the right thing for you to do, to go back to work so quick after the funeral, but knowing you as much as I do then I think it is the right thing. I hope Caleb agrees and lets you start work early, but if I know him at all, he will agree with whatever you want” she smiles as she says this last part.

  “Thanks Mum, I think so too, it will take my mind off these horrible things and at least I can concentrate on something different instead of thinking about Felix all the time.”

  We cross the road and go into TGI’s where we order some platters and a cocktail each, me and Mum haven’t done this for a few years and I used to always enjoy it.

  I text Caleb to tell him that I am in the City and to let him know that I am feeling good today, I don’t tell him about my nightmare though.

  “Hey Caleb, I’m in town with Mum and I just showed her the building where I’m going to start working ☺”

  “Really, you should have said I would have brought you both in for the guided tour ☺!

  “Ha ha, I’m sure you would have, but I know you are busy. You probably have lots to do for your new member of staff lol”

  “Not really, I just have to get ready for not being able to hold your hand or sit down and chat, but I’ll manage”

  “Of course we can sit down and chat Caleb, why wouldn’t we be able to do that?”

  “Tasha I won’t be able to sit and chat because everyone would know how I feel about you and you’re not ready for that, yet”

  What does he mean by that? I’m not even going to think about what he could possibly mean.

  “Caleb, we are both professional we will be able to chat without anyone knowing we are friends, I promise I won’t jump on you lol”

  I can’t believe I said that – where did it come from?

  “Damn I was hoping you would ☺. Tasha I have to go there is another call waiting for me, I hate to rush you off the line, we don’t get to talk often enough for me to rush you.”

  “That’s ok my lunch has arrived anyway, I’ll talk to you later ok”

  “I look forward to it Angel”

  I love it when he calls me “Angel”, it makes my insides tighten and I catch my breath.

  We end up staying in TGI’s for a couple of hours and we have a few too many cocktails, we have talked, we have laughed and we have cried. Dad has to come in to collect us and he doesn’t look too happy that we are a bit drunk. “God, I leave you two women alone for a couple of hours and look at the state of you” he says, manoeuvring the car back into the busy streets.

  Oh dear, I haven’t seen Dad angry since the other day when he went outside and cried. I look at him in the rear view mirror and say “Dad are you really mad with us, we both needed to just let loose”

  He starts laughing “of course I’m not mad, I would have joined you if I knew you were going to have a few drinks.”

  Thank god he’s not mad “Dad you got me there, I really thought you were mad” I start laughing and so does Mum.

  When we get home l lay on the couch and just chill out, it was a fun day but I’m so tired. I must have fallen asleep because I get woken by my phone signaling a text, I smile hoping it’s Caleb.

  “Hey Angel, how was the rest of your afternoon?”

  “It was fun, we stayed for a couple of hours and had quite a few cocktails. How was yours?”

  “It wasn’t as much fun as yours, some of us had work to do lol. I found it hard picturing you over the road and not being able to go over and sit with you for a while.”

  “You could have done that if you wanted, I’m not sure what Mum would have thought but she would have been ok”

  “Maybe another time, I just wanted to sit with you really, just to make sure you are ok and to see if you needed to talk”

  “Thank you Caleb, you really are very thoughtful and I don’t think I tell you often enough, but I’m so glad to have you in my life, you make each day easier than the last”

  What is wrong with me? It must be the drink, I’m not normally this forward.

  “Angel that makes me so happy, I want you to be happy, I don’t like seeing you sad. I have a feeling that your life going forward will be a good life and I hope that I am in your future. Actually no, I want to be your future”

  I don’t know what to say to that, how can I reply? He means so much to me and I know that our relationship will develop, I can feel it developing already. Can I really do this to Felix? So soon after he killed himself? I’m having doubts now, I should be in mourning for my husband but I can’t bring myself to mourn him. The Felix I knew and married died a couple of months ago in my mind, the Felix that hung himself was not my Felix. I know that sounds harsh, but what he did to me will scar me for life and I can’t forgive him yet, I just can’t. I want to see Caleb for what he is – he is a loving, compassionate man who wants me! He sees me for who I am and not what he wants me to be, does that make sense?

  “I don’t know what my future holds yet Caleb, but I want you in my life, you have been there for me and helped me through shit that I would never have expected to have to deal with. You have been a constant in my life for the last couple of months and for that I thank you. You mean everything to me and I want you in my future.”

  “Angel, words fail me.”

  “Oh ok, is that good? ☺”

  “Of course it’s good Tasha, it’s not very often I’m speechless, you better not tell anyone lol”

  “Ha ha, I’ll just enjoy it while I can then”

  “Not for long My Angel, not for long. I wish I could meet you for coffee, I want to hug you and look after you.”

  “Well let’s meet for coffee then, I’d like to see you to say thank you for helping with
the house and I have something I want to ask you”

  “Sounds intriguing, yeah I can meet for coffee, I can’t do tomorrow Tasha, I have back to back meetings until 6pm.”

  “No of course you’re busy, I understand, it’s fine honestly don’t worry about it”

  “Of course I’ll meet you, I can meet you for dinner tonight if you want or coffee another day”

  “Can you do Saturday? You might have something planned though, it’s ok”

  “Saturday is fine, will we say about 11am?”

  “Yeah that’s perfect, will I meet you in the same place as last time?”

  “No, I’ll come collect you from your parent’s house if that’s ok”

  “Erm yeah that’s fine, I look forward to it, it will be good to see you again Caleb”

  “Yeah I missed you too, see you soon Tasha”

  I didn’t say I missed him, he obviously thought because I said it would be good to see him again that I missed him. Well I suppose if I think about it I did. I’ve only just buried my husband I shouldn’t be thinking about Caleb in that way, but I can’t help it, he has helped me through the hardest part of my relationship, he is always there for me day or night.

  I wonder whether he will notice my new hair style or not, I hope he does.

  We don’t have dinner because we were out at lunch and me and Mum had a platter along with the cocktails, so we just sit in the lounge watching TV and talking. I love being here with my parents, I know the time will come when I want to do my own thing, but for now this is where I want to be.

  Before we go to bed, Dad makes some cocoa “I’m hoping that if we have it now we won’t need to wake up in the middle of the night to have it” he smiles and I know he is joking and hoping that I don’t have any nightmares tonight.

  “Thanks Dad, I’m sure I won’t be waking up in the middle of the night now” I smile at him and we all drink our cocoa.

  I’m exhausted when I get to the top of the stairs and I drag myself into bed and fall asleep really quickly.

  Chapter 46

  WHEN I WAKE UP I see the sun streaming through my window, not only did I have a nightmare free night, I slept in too. I feel like today is going to be a good day. I wish I was seeing Caleb today, but it won’t be long to wait until tomorrow. I send him a quick text before I get out of bed, because I know he will be in meetings all day.

  “Morning Caleb, I’ve just woken up and it’s such a beautiful day. I know you are going to be busy today and I don’t expect to hear from you, so I thought I’d tell you that I was thinking about you. Hope today isn’t too busy and you get chance to relax a bit ☺”

  I don’t get a reply, he must have gone into his first meeting already. I get up and go into the bathroom to have a shower, I feel more positive today than I have for a while. I scrub myself clean and feel like I am scrubbing away Felix and with every drop of water that goes down the drain so do all my bad memories, or at least I hope they do.

  After I have dried my hair and got dressed I go downstairs, Mum and Dad aren’t there which is strange as they are always here in the mornings. I ring Mum’s mobile “Hey mum where are you? It was weird coming down and the house empty”

  “Hi we are out food shopping, we won’t be long” she says and I can hear the hustle and bustle of the supermarket.

  “Ok it’s not a problem, I just wondered that’s all” I say and she says she will be home soon. I hang up and then kick myself, I don’t need to know where they are every minute of the day, they don’t ask that of me so I shouldn’t ask them either. This living at home thing is starting to become difficult.

  I do my laundry today and realise that I actually don’t have a lot of my clothes here with me, I don’t want to go to the house until I really need to. I’ll just have to make do, as long as I stay on top of the laundry then I’ll be fine.

  At lunchtime I tell Mum and Dad that I will be seeing Caleb the next day to thank him for helping with the house, Mum says that it was very good of him to help out and that he is a wonderful man. I smile because she is so right. She knows that I am going to ask him if I can start work a week early, we had this discussion yesterday. Now, she thinks it might be the best thing for me to do, she reminds me though that something might happen to trigger my grieving process and that her and dad will be there to help pick up the pieces.

  “Mum, I’m fine, after what Felix did to me I forgave him but told him I wasn’t going back to him, I know I should still be grieving for him, but I can’t get past the memories he left me with. He deliberately lured me to the house so that I would be the one who found him hanging, HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL?” I know I am starting to shout and get upset and I promised myself that I wouldn’t. “How could he hate me so much that he would subject me to that kind of pain?”

  “Tasha, I don’t know how I would feel in the same situation, I don’t know why he wanted you to find him like that, I don’t know why he did those things to you and you are the only one who knows when and how to grieve for your loss, but I still think you need to really think about how you feel and take the time to grieve your loss. Me and your Dad are here for you when that happens and we know it could be at any time now or in the future.” She comes over and hugs me.

  I tell them that I have an appointment with the counsellor, Sally this afternoon and Dad offers to take me. I’m not looking forward to it, but after the last time I felt much better, hopefully this will help me too.

  He drops me off and tells me that he will wait for me in the usual place, The Cozy Place Coffee Shop. I said I would meet him there after I have finished.

  I find myself sitting in the waiting room and thinking about Felix, I know that she will ask me how I feel so I think about it and I really can’t answer that question. I don’t know how I feel or how I should feel.

  I’m in a world of my own when I hear a voice “Natasha, come on in” I stand and follow her to her office.

  “Hi Sally, thank you for seeing me at such short notice” I only rung this morning, I was surprised when she said she had a slot available.

  “It’s fine, I read about Felix in the newspaper and thought you might be in to see me soon.” She sits down and shuffles some of her papers on her desk “So tell me what has happened since the last time I saw you”

  I sit and tell her about how I had told Felix in the hospital that I wasn’t moving back in with him and how he had reacted to that news. I then told her that he’d text me on Sunday to ask me to come and collect some of my things and that he had seemed to accept what was happening between us. I stop and think for a while and then tell her how I found him and what happened when Dad and Luca turned up.

  “That must have been terrible for you Natasha, why do you think he did that? Why did he ring you and get you to come around on your own knowing you would find him?”

  “I don’t know Sally, I just don’t know. I think it is one of the worst things that he did to me, the rapes, assaults and punches were nothing in comparison to what he did to me that day.” I break down crying, I knew this would happen, but I need to talk to someone who will just listen.

  “It seems like Felix wanted to hurt you one final time. It was very cruel what he did to you, how do you feel now that he is dead?”

  Wow, she is blunt if nothing else. “I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that I don’t have to think about what Felix will think if I do this or that. Then on the other side I feel guilty that he has only just been buried and here I am getting on with my life. I am hoping that I can start my new job next week instead of the week after, because I am sick of sitting at home waiting for this injury to heal or for that bruise to not show anymore. Then I feel bad because his Mum and Dad won’t see him again and I still get to live the rest of my life” I’m not crying but I am feeling emotional, it’s very difficult to feel both of those emotions at the same time and it is very confusing.

  “Natasha, those are the emotions I would expect you to feel because what
happened to you was very drastic and I think you forget everything that went on in the house, take away the big beatings, rapes, assaults and think about the small things. Like picking your clothes for you – that is extremely controlling and for you not to have that is liberating to you. He called you names – that makes you lose confidence in yourself and it will take a while for you to be totally confident again, but I can see it starting to happen already. To be honest I thought you would be a total mess coming in here today, no offence, but I am surprised that you are very well put together. You must have wonderful family and friends who have helped you through this difficult time.”

  “Yes I do, they have all been amazing and I can feel myself getting more confident every day. However, I don’t know how I will feel when the time comes for me to have a relationship again, but I realise that I have to deal with that at the time and not to worry about it before it does.”

  “Absolutely Natasha, wow you inspire me, you are such a strong woman and never let another person tell you any different. I’m here whenever you need to talk to me, just give me a ring.”

  I guess that’s it then it’s over. It wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be and I actually feel lighter for having talked to a professional person about it. We both stand up and she walks me to the door, I hold out my hand to shake hers and she surprises me by leaning forward and hugging me. “You truly are amazing Natasha, take care”

  “Thank you for everything you have done for me Sally I really appreciate it” I turn and leave and I go to meet Dad in the coffee shop. He smiles when I walk in.

  “I guess that went well then” he says, I look at him questioning his comment “you look like a different person Tasha, you don’t look like you have the world on your shoulders anymore, I’m so glad you went to see her”

  I hug him and then we drive home to Mum and tell her what happened with Sally.

  Chapter 47

  SATURDAY COMES AND ITS time for Caleb to collect me, I’ve put on some of my new clothes and my new hairstyle still looks good. He comes up and knocks on the door, I open the door and invite him in, I’m quite nervous seeing him again and knowing that I will be alone in his company. He smiles from ear to ear and comes inside, “Good morning Jean” he says to my Mum “How are you?” he holds out his hand for her to shake.