Leaving Serenity

by Alle Wells

  I mimicked her gesture and repeated, “Just let it slide, Clyde!”

  Kizzie and I laughed until tears welled in our eyes. The probing eyes turned away.

  Until I met Kizzie, the only funny and cool people I knew lived inside the television set in our living room. I imagined that Kizzie stepped out of that box just to be my friend. I clung to her like glue. She wore all the latest fashions and had tons of costume jewelry that she shared with me. She didn’t seem to mind walking around with me in my plain, homemade skirts and plastic barrettes in my hair. I fed on Kizzie’s cool manner and her inner strength. Being with her made me feel happier and stronger.

  Mama sat across from me at the breakfast table, examining my spring report card. “Annette, your grades have improved remarkably. Your father and I are very pleased. We think that you deserve a reward. What would you like?”

  The heat of anticipation rose in my face as I asked, “Can I invite Kizzie to a sleepover?”

  Mama quickly stuffed the signed report card back in the envelope. “No. By no means, no! You can be friends with her at school while she’s here, but she can’t come home with you.”

  She jumped up and started wiping the kitchen counter. I followed her around the kitchen like a puppy dog. “Why not? Beth has sleepovers all the time, and I’ve never had anybody over. And what do you mean, while she’s here? Where’s she going?”

  Mama turned, put her hands on my shoulders, and sat me down in a kitchen chair.

  “Kizzie’s family came here as part of an experiment. The Board of Education wanted to see how the community would react to desegregation. Next year, the State will close the colored school in Prince and bus all of those children to Serenity School. Kizzie and her family will be going back to Chicago at the end of the school year. That’s why your father and I have gone along with your relationship with the girl. It’s just temporary. But she can’t come here, and that’s final. Let me know if you can think of something else you want for your reward.”

  On Monday morning, I waited for Kizzie outside the school. She bent down and gave her brothers a hug as they climbed out of her mother’s car. My friend’s family life was so different from mine. I never touched my brothers unless they hit me first.

  I scowled at Kizzie. She looked me over and said, “Hey, Girl, what’s eatin’ you?”

  I pounced down the steps. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”

  Kizzie looked away and started to walk past me. I grabbed her arm, wanting desperately to hold on to her.

  “Why?” I demanded through the tears welling up behind my cat-eye glasses.

  Kizzie shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I thought you knew since your daddy is the principal. Maybe I thought that was why you were so nice to me.”

  The skin tightened around the sore zits on my face. “No-o. You’re the only friend I’ve ever had!”

  Kizzie put her books down and threw her arms around me. Her body felt soft against my lanky frame. She smelled like baby powder. When my sobs dried up, Kizzie pulled away and held me by the shoulders. “Now, you gonna be okay?”

  I dried my eyes with my fingers and nodded. A group of boys moved away from behind the large boxwood shrubbery at the corner of the building.

  Kizzie picked up her books from the steps. We walked to class while she explained why she came to Serenity. “My brothers and I get paid to come to school here. Dad volunteered for the desegregation experiment to help pay for my college tuition. Your, I mean, Serenity’s postmaster had a heart attack. Dad’s filling in for him while he’s on sick leave.”

  She shrugged. “See, no big deal. Next month, we’ll go back home like usual.”

  I mulled Kizzie’s words, No big deal, over in my head. After that day, Kizzie’s mother picked her up at lunchtime, and we spent less time together. We slowly drifted apart until the time came for her to go away. When Kizzie left at the end of the school year, it was no big deal.

  Summer Daydreaming

  That summer, I was an only child for the first time in my life. Beth worked as a counselor at church camp. Jeff spent the summer at football camp, and Adam started college in Chapel Hill. Mama busied herself with Vacation Bible School and Garden Club fund-raisers. Daddy swam four laps in the pool every morning and spent his afternoons playing golf. The silent meals we shared that summer revealed how little my parents and I talked to one another.

  I helped Mama around the house and lounged by the swimming pool. While listening to my favorite 45 rpm record, “California Dreamin’,” by The Mamas & The Papas, I did some of my own dreaming. I thought about hitchhiking to California and becoming an extra on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In. I pondered over catching the Greyhound bus to New York and becoming a star like Neely, my favorite character in Valley Of The Dolls. I danced to Tom Jones’s “Delilah” in front of the mirror behind my bedroom door and dreamed of becoming a dancer in Las Vegas. My fantasies made the summer fly by quickly. Before I knew it, Beth and Jeff were dragging their stuff in the front door, and it was time to enter the tenth grade.

  Homecoming Game 1970

  I sat on the wooden bleachers in my family’s regular spot. A foggy haze crept across the floodlights around the football stadium on that pitch dark night. Beth floated across the playing field on Daddy’s arm. He lifted her hand as she climbed onto the stage and accepted a dozen red roses wrapped in green tissue paper. Beth’s beautiful white evening gown glistened under the lights. My sister was pretty and popular enough to be voted Serenity High’s homecoming queen. I was neither popular nor pretty like Beth. Since the desegregation program started, there had been a lot of fights at school. Hate and prejudice ruled the hallways. Being friends with Kizzie ended any social life I may have had at school. Even though Daddy was the principal, the kids still held it against me.

  I watched the halftime activities absentmindedly. Mama had a bad case of the flu and stayed home that night. I had just turned sixteen. Mama didn’t usually let me drive at night, but she made an exception for the homecoming game. She rarely missed a school event, especially one this important. I wished that Mama was sitting next to me now. I felt alone in the crowded stadium.

  The band cranked up. I bundled my navy pea coat against the wind and headed to the concession stand for a hot chocolate. I felt invisible in the passing crowd. I shimmied my skinny body between the bleachers and jumped to the ground to beat the stagnant line.

  “Yo, Annette.”

  Jeff’s friend, Greg Sneed, leaned on a rail under the bleachers, smoking a cigarette. He was cute and popular with the girls. He had never noticed me before. I didn’t know what to say. He crushed the cigarette on the ground and blew the smoke out the side of his mouth.

  “You by yourself tonight?”

  My voice quivered in the cold wind. “Uh, yeah, I was just going for a hot chocolate.”

  Greg looked over his shoulder toward the concession stand.

  “Oh, you wait here. I’ll get it.”

  He backed away, holding his palms in the air. “Just, just wait here. Do ya want anything else while I’m there?”

  My heart leapt to my throat as I shook my head. I was so excited that I couldn’t stand still. I thought about Greg’s cool brown eyes and dark, shaggy hair, how cute he was, and how all the girls liked him. I wondered if he’d always liked me, but I just didn’t know it. I thought that maybe he wanted to ask me out on a date. I remembered Greg’s mother from the grocery, her puffy cheeks jiggling at me. She liked me. I wonder if she told her son to ask me out. I’d never been on a date. Dating a popular boy like Greg would make me popular, too. I envisioned walking in the hallway with him on my arm and having dinner with his parents. By the time Greg returned with the drink, my excitement had escalated to ecstasy.

  “Here you go,” he said, handing me the steaming cup. “Whoa, it sure is cold out here. Let’s get out of this wind.”

  “Where?”

  “Uh, maybe over there.” Greg pointed to the equipment shed behind the bl
eachers. I felt warmer already when he gently touched my back and led me toward the small wooden building.

  Greg took a quick look around before we stepped inside. The equipment shed was considered off limits, which made being there more exciting. The floodlights provided a dim yellow haze through the side window. I felt adventurous like the lovely Nikky hiding in a dark cave with Mark in The Moonspinners.

  Greg looked at the floor. “It’s kinda dirty. Do you want to sit on your coat?”

  “Sure.”

  Greg gallantly removed my coat and made a place for me to sit. I already felt like his girlfriend. “There you go. How’s that?”

  “Good, thanks.”

  Greg stood by the window and looked outside. “I saw your sister out there on the court. She’s pretty, but you’re prettier than her.”

  I was so flattered that I nearly choked on the hot chocolate. “For real?”

  “Oh, for sure. You’re taller than her. I like tall girls.”

  Greg stayed by the window. He was probably nervous, like me. I tried to think of something to say, but nothing came to mind. The hot chocolate was gone, and I set the cup next to my coat spread across the concrete. Greg nodded, walked over, and sat beside me.

  “Ooo, this is better. You feel warm,” he said, as he wrapped his arm around me and snuggled in closer.

  “You cold?” he asked.

  “I’m okay.”

  “You scared?” he asked.

  His face was so close to mine. I felt myself getting lost in his acne-free complexion and dark, shaggy hair falling over one eye. He’s so cute! I thought.

  I exhaled a nervous laugh. “Should I be?”

  Greg grabbed on my chin, and said, “Not with me.”

  He kissed me while leaning me back onto the floor. I just let go and relaxed as his hands moved over my body. This is much better than watching the game in the freezing wind. Then his cold hand reached into my loose fitting hip-huggers. His closed lips were pressed hard against mine. I started to squirm and push him away.

  Greg backed off, smiled, and said, “Take it easy. Just warming my hands. Feels good.”

  He slid one hand under my bra and lowered my hip-huggers with the other hand. The bra clasp broke, and he removed the hand in my pants.

  “Oops, sorry about that.”

  “That’s okay, but I…”

  Greg smiled. He pressed the heel of his free hand over my mouth. I felt a hard jab. My eyes popped wide from the pain. I cried out, but the only sound I heard was “mum—mum.” Pinned underneath him, I squirmed harder and gasped for air. His fingers clawed at my open eyes as he pounded my back into the concrete floor.

  I cut my eyes toward the light streaming through the open door. I moaned louder, hoping that the four shadows standing in the doorway would make him stop. The door closed behind them.

  Someone said, “Hey Man, what’s going on in here?”

  Greg groaned loudly, and said, “I’m done.”

  Greg climbed off me, but kept his hand pressed against my face. I swung my fist and grabbed his hair as it made contact with his head. As my feet scrambled to get up, another boy pushed my legs down. The big boy’s bare belly was hanging over me.

  He snarled as he tore my hand away from Greg’s hair. “Whoa, whoa, settle down now. You was a lot nicer when you was huggin’ on that niggra girl.”

  The big boy’s flannel shirt flopped in my face as he shoved himself into me. The shirt smelled like greasy food. I squeezed my eyes shut to wipe away the stinking boy on top of me. I thought about Kizzie and her soft hug that set me apart from the others and made them hate me. I started to cry.

  Greg leaned on one knee next to me and kept a strong hold on my face. The hazy light flickered on the boy’s blonde hair. His weight crushed more air from my chest. I panicked and felt like I was going to throw up.

  “Yeah!’ the big boy barked, and jumped off me.

  Greg turned my head to the side so that I couldn’t see the next boy. A tall, thin shadow and the scent of Brute cologne hovered over me. The boy rammed hard into me until I felt like my insides were being torn apart. My tears soaked Greg’s hand, and it began to slide around. I choked on the snot running down my throat. I started to gag. Greg’s hand slipped away from my mouth, and I let out a bloodcurdling scream.

  He looked toward the door and yelled, “Come on! Hurry up, Man!”

  A softer voice said, “Nah, I’m leaving.” And then, a hazy light seeped through the open door.

  Greg caught his grip and pushed my head harder into the floor.

  “She’s gettin’ freaky. We’d better get outta here, too.”

  Greg put his face next to mine. His voice turned hard and cold. “No need to scream ’cause nobody’s going to hear you anyway with all that noise out there.”

  The tall, skinny boy was out the door before I saw him. Greg slowly moved his hand away from my face. I gasped for air and gagged. The hot chocolate came up all over my coat. Greg stood in the doorway, watching me.

  I coughed and cried, “Why me?”

  He shrugged. “You were there.” And the door closed behind him.

  I braced my elbow on the floor to get up, slipping on the wet coat underneath me. I felt dizzy, wobbled, and tripped over the jeans tangled around my ankles. Sharp pains swelled throughout my lower body and streamed down my legs. A surge of energy rushed through me as I thought, I’ve got to get out of here! What if they come back? What if they bring more guys?

  I reached for the keys to Mama’s Country Squire station wagon in the coat pocket and rolled the ruined coat into a ball. Pain radiated through my body as I limped to the car. The loud speaker announced Jeff’s name. The second half of the game was just starting. That meant that only fifteen minutes had passed since I went inside with Greg. I threw the coat into the big garbage can next to the gate.

  I started the car and let it coast toward home. Tears poured down my cheeks like an erupting volcano. How could I be so stupid to think that he really liked me? Why do they hate me so much? Why me?

  When I saw Adam’s yellow Charger was parked in the driveway, I cringed. That’s all I need.

  I let myself in the front door quietly. Mama and Adam were watching The Carol Burnett Show, snuggled together on the couch like an old married couple.

  Adam called over his shoulder. “Is the game over already?”

  “Uh, no. I left early to beat the traffic.”

  Mama stared at the TV contently and said, “That’s nice, dear. Leave the keys on the credenza.”

  I closed the bathroom door and turned on the shower to drown out my sobs and the pain coming from every part of my body. I slowly peeled off my clothes. Underneath, my body was an awful mess. I stood under the hot water and washed the filth of the night down the drain. I looked in the mirror at my red eyes and splotched face. Sheepishly, I turned around to check out the rest of my body. Other than a red streak down my spine, there wasn’t a scratch on me anywhere but inside where no one could see.

  Tucked safely underneath the pink ruffled bedcovers, I cried freely. If I had scars, had been left for dead, or at least, wound up in the hospital, I’d be an innocent victim. My family would rush to my side and brush away the pain with love and sympathy. But, instead, I felt uglier and more unwanted than ever.

  A car door slammed. I heard Mama tell Beth how beautiful she was. Daddy praised Jeff’s accomplishments during the game. After the laughter and the television died, heavy feet pounded down the hall toward the bedrooms.

  Beth turned on the overhead light in our bedroom. “Annette, are you asleep already?”

  “No. I’m not asleep.”

  Beth’s cheeks were chapped from standing in the night wind. My sister looked radiant as she stepped out of her homecoming dress. “Did you see me? Did I look okay? Oh, I was so scared! I thought I’d fall right off that stage!”

  I hugged my pillow tightly. “Yeah, you were real pretty tonight.”

  Beth stood over me, half-dressed. “Wha
t’s wrong? Are you sick or somethin’?”

  I braced myself with my elbow, the same way I did in the building behind the bleachers two hours earlier. I cherished my older sister who knew me so well. Even though we weren’t friends at school, she was always there, offering a simple joke or a sweet smile. Sometimes I felt a special bond with her when we kept secrets from our brothers. I felt an overwhelming need to tell someone what had happened to me. Another wave of heaving sobs came over me. Beth reached over and turned on the radio on the nightstand so that the others wouldn’t hear us.

  I felt better when Beth wrapped her arms around me. “What’s wrong? Did Adam say something mean to you?”

  I listened to my words, muffled by the covers. “I was attacked.”

  Beth jumped back. “Attacked? By a dog? Where?”

  I shook my head. Beth was so innocent. She would never go into a dark, empty building with a boy. I knew that she wouldn’t understand after all. I didn’t know what to say next.

  I stuttered. “I-I’ll tell you later. Maybe we should just get some sleep.”

  Beth scrunched her face like she could feel my pain. There was no way that she could.

  “Well, okay then, if you’re sure. ’Night.”

  I rolled over toward the wall. Beth turned off the radio and the light. In the quiet darkness, I thought of ways to get back at them. I could tell Daddy what they did to me. He was the principal and could make big trouble for them. Maybe he’ll kick them out of school. Then there was Jeff. Adam would never stand up for me, but Jeff was a good brother. He could beat them up, and then I would run over them with Mama’s big car. Or, I could beat every one of them to a pulp with a ball bat and set them on fire. Even in my make-believe world, I knew that none of these things would happen. Sleep finally came with dreams of revenge.

  Breakfast

  The morning sun filtering through the sheer curtains woke me. I’d overslept, which meant that I was late for Saturday morning breakfast. My body felt stiff and sore as I stood. A burning sensation seared between my legs. I grabbed a pair of gym pants from the end of the bed and pulled a sweatshirt over my head. I checked the mirror but didn’t take time to worry with my hair. My stomach resisted the notion of food, but I had to make it to the dining room before Mama came after me. When I pulled my chair from the table, they were talking about Jeff’s final play that won the game.