HHGTTG - The Lost Chapters

by Douglas Adams

  They headed into one of the 42 bars that had been littered all over the complex. The barman of this one stood proudly behind his bar, polishing glasses. Ford reached the bar first.

  "Do you serve Pan Galactic Gargle-Blasters?" He asked. "And don't say we serve anyone with the money." The barman reached over the bar and picked Ford off the ground by the collar of his blazer.

  "I happen to be one of the most experienced Pan Galactic Gargle-Blaster mixers in the Universe," muttered the barman in Ford's ear. Ford clapped his hand down on the barman's flattish head. The smacking noise and the shock caused the barman to drop Ford.

  "Is that so?" Said Ford.

  "That is so," said the barman.

  "Well, buddy boy, I'm going to put you to the test," said Ford. "Do you know who is in our party? No? Zaphod Beeblebrox, that's who."

  "Er, really?" Said the barman, swallowing hard.

  Zaphod leaned against the bar, smiled, raised a hand and emitted his coolest 'Hi'.

  "So mix one up and we'll see what Zaphod has to say," said Ford.

  "It won't take a minute, Mr Beeblebrox," flustered the barman.

  Zaphod placed all three hands on the bar and started breathing deeply. He rolled his heads in opposite directions, which caused a flutter of applause to come from the small crowd that had formed. A small camera hovered above the bar, transmitting the pictures to all the video screens in the night-club.

  Zaphod started puffing and slapping his cheeks. He decided to use his right head for the drinking and his left head for the observing. He bent his knees and squatted down, his hands still on the bar. He blew loudly several times and stood upright. He turned to his audience, now quite large, and jogged on the spot. He thrust his arms up in a 'Rocky' type pose, one he had been mastering in front of the mirror, which started the applause again.

  "I will need a silver spoon, preferably the one you used to make the drink, a timing device, a glass of water and a cloth," said Zaphod like a magician looking for volunteers. The barman dutifully produced all of these items and nervously placed them in front of Zaphod, who was staring at him like a boxer. The barman avoided Zaphod's eyes and put the drink down on the bar. The barman stood back and rubbed his hands together anxiously.

  Zaphod sipped the glass of water, swilled it around in his mouth, gargled with it and spat it out. His suit had sensed the atmosphere of the moment and displayed dark, moody colours.

  "Wait a minute!" Cried the barman. He ran over to the drink and dropped an olive in it. "I forgot, the heat of the moment."

  Zaphod's glare shut him up. Zaphod lifted the glass to the light and squinted at it. He sniffed it as one would sniff smelling salts, knowing full well what they smelt like. He nodded and picked up the spoon. He scooped up a drop of the drink and switched on the timing device. Fumes smoked away from the spoon and when a hole appeared in the spoon, Zaphod stopped the timing device. He looked at the time and nodded again. He wiped away the residue liquid from the bar with the cloth before it started eating it's way through that. Zaphod rolled his heads again, much to the delight of the crowd and started puffing again. He took the glass in his hand, looked at the ceiling, looked at the barman, looked at the drink and then, while the left head watched closely, downed the drink in one.

  Ford and Arthur helped Zaphod to his feet. He shook his heads and steadied himself.

  "Well barman," said Zaphod hoarsely. "That was good, very good. Set up three for us."

  The audience erupted, the barman cried and Arthur suddenly realised he was expected to drink one of these liquid stun guns.

  "Don't worry," said Ford to Arthur, who was holding the glass as one would hold an anaconda. "Take it in sips, it's quite pleasant."

  Arthur took a hesitant sip and screwed his face up in anticipation. There was no pain. It felt like slipping into a hot bath inside out.

  "Not bad," he said, then found his body fulfilling an urgent desire to be horizontal.

  "It'll take a while," said Ford, helping Arthur up. "Perhaps we should get you a Phodcaran Hurenge."

  CHAPTER 49

  "Excuse me?" Asked Arthur. The two dolphins stopped chattering and turned to face him. "This will probably sound very silly and you will almost certainly have no idea what I'm talking about, but I'm from a planet called Earth and.."

  "You're not!" Exclaimed one of the dolphins.

  "You're pulling my flipper, surely!" Squealed the other.

  "No I really am," said Arthur. "I was wondering if you could explain to me exactly what happened on Earth. You know, why it reappeared and you disappeared."

  "Well you are talking to the right people, my name is Etats and this is Dilos," said Etats, offering his flipper, which Arthur shook. He fought the urge to throw Etats a fish and blow a whistle.

  "We were behind the Campaign to Save the Humans," said Dilos.

  "I got a bowl from you then," said Arthur.

  "It can't be!" They sang in unison.

  "Let me guess, ' said Arthur, but they didn't give him the chance.

  "You must be the Arthur Dent."

  "That's right."

  "Out of vision, man. Is this one meeting to remember!" Said Etats.

  "Let me get you a drink," said Dilos. He passed a container to Arthur. It was see-through with a straw poking through the lid. Arthur sipped the straw and was pleasantly surprised to taste gin and tonic. When he released the straw, he quickly put his finger over it to prevent any water getting in, being 10 metres under and sitting around a submerged table.

  "Don't worry," said Etats. "Each cup has an artificial atmosphere in it to allow liquid out but not in."

  "How clever," remarked Arthur, removing his finger.

  "Now where shall we start?" Said Dilos. "We originally came from a planet called Dolph. It was a grotty planet really. It was in the same dimension as those bastards who wanted the ultimate answer to life, the Universe and everything."

  "I know all about that," said Arthur.

  "Terrible neighbours," said Etats. "We used to tap their information channels just to remind ourselves how lucky we were. Anyway, Deep Thought decided that Dolphins were to be part of the network. They approached us with this proposition to spend time on Earth and we accepted."

  "Not because we wanted to help," interrupted Dilos.

  "Oh no, we couldn't give a Jrevi Wooc about them," said Etats. "No, it just seemed like a good holiday spot. So we decided that we would work to get our planet in decent living order and holiday on Earth until the work was done. We worked shifts, half the workforce on Dolph, half on holiday. We arrived just before the Golgafrinchians. The hyper intelligent, pan dimensional beings hadn't arrived so we knew then it wasn't going to work. Still, we weren't going to tell them because the Earth was far superior to Dolph and we were having too much fun

  "We loved the humans," continued Dilos. "Once all the cavemen died, the inbreeding of the Golgafrinchians reduced them to babbling idiots."

  "How could you tell the difference?" Asked Arthur.

  "Good point, because the hyper intelligent pan dimensional beings couldn't," laughed Etats. "That's why they didn't abort the whole thing. So modern man evolved from that time on. The mice moulded them through the years unaware they were wasting their time."

  "No wonder you lot always seemed to be happy," said Arthur.

  "We were," said Dilos. "But we felt sorry for the humans, because they treated us so well most of the time. So when we found out about the Vogon Constructor Fleet, we tried to warn you, but you didn't have Babel fish. So we started the Campaign to Save the Humans. No-one was particularly interested and the psychiatrists gave us a lot of trouble. They didn't believe us about the Golgafrinchians. They put it down to a childhood neurosis. Apart from saving the Humans, we didn't really fancy going back to Dolph, which was still in a pretty bad way."

  "Then we had a stroke of luck," said Etats. "One of our great hobbies in the sea when we weren't on the surface was what you called 'hacking' on computers. That how we found o
ut about the Vogons."

  "You had computers in the sea?" Asked Arthur.

  "Yes, not the sort you would have used but computers all the same," said Dilos.

  "Sorry," said Arthur. "We've gone off track. Please continue with the story, I m fascinated."

  "Okay," said Etats. "We were hacking the databanks of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation and got hold of a provisional press release about the launch of a new product, the Planetcopier. It was a device that could copy whole planets. Marvellous device but the Marketing Division had screwed up again. No-one needed it or could afford it. But it was perfect for us. We borrowed it on a ten day evaluation trial and took a perfect copy of the Earth the second before it blew up."

  "Unbelievable," said Arthur, staggered.

  "The copy took a week to complete, in which time you went to Magrathea and made the Earth Mark 2 redundant. The Magratheans opened shop again and put it on special offer. They took Dolph on part exchange and we put the Earth Mark 2 directly opposite the copy of the Earth so with the Sun between us you wouldn't know we were there. While the copy was being finished, we sneaked back and left bowls to the three most important people on the Earth:you, for making the Earth Mark 2 available, a girl called Fenchurch who was the poor soul chosen as the printout device...."

  "I know her," said Arthur proudly.

  "How is she shaping up?" Asked Dilos. "Part of the conditions we had to meet from the psychiatrists was wiping her mind of whatever answer she had. Awful shock for her."

  "She's okay now," said Arthur. "We're travelling the Universe together."

  "How nice," said Etats. "The final person was Wonko the Sane, a good buddy who figured us out."

  "Well that explains a lot," sighed Arthur. "I could die a happy man now."

  "Now that could be arranged very easily," said Zaphod, floating down.

  "You can t upset me," said Arthur. "Everything is clear now."

  "What's that, your brain scan?" Asked Zaphod, bobbing gently.

  "Anyone fancy playing some games?" Asked Etats.

  "Hey, they've got a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation terminal, we could try some heavy duty hacking," said Dilos.

  "Sound's good to me," said Zaphod.

  "I hear they've introduced another level of security," said Etats. They all floated to the surface and swam over to the terminal. Ford was lounging by the pool. Arthur joined him.

  "How's it going?" Asked Ford.

  "Great, the dolphins told me all about what really happened to the Earth, it's amazing," said Arthur. "They took a copy of the Earth with a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Planetcopier."

  "Oh, I've heard of that," said Ford. "Apparently they dropped the price by a few thousand Alterian Dollars, renamed it the XT and sold it as an A4 photocopier."

  "They're all over there trying to break into the Sirius Cybernetics computer banks."

  "Old hat," yawned Ford. "A real achievement would be to...."

  Ford's eyes glazed over.

  "What's the matter?" Asked Arthur. "Pan Galactic relapse?"

  "Have you still got Marvin's bits in your pocket?" Demanded Ford.

  "Yes, I daren't throw them away."

  "Good, good," chuckled Ford. "Zaphod, come here!"

  "Hold on," yelled Zaphod. "I'm on level 4."

  Ford grabbed Arthur and pulled him over to the terminal. Zaphod was bashing away at the controls. Ford pulled the plug.

  "Hey man," shouted Zaphod. "I hope you know a good genetic mechanic, cos your body is going to need a complete overhaul once I've finished with it."

  "Cool it," said Ford. "I've got a great idea."

  "It had better be good," muttered Zaphod.

  "Everyone can break into the computer banks, hell it's the national pastime on some planets. Pretty boring planets I'll grant you but....."

  "You are running out of time," interrupted Zaphod.

  "What is supposed to be the most difficult place in the Universe to break into?"

  "My wallet?" Answered Zaphod.

  "No, that's the second," said Ford. "The planet Sirius, home of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation."

  "Keep talking," said Zaphod.

  "Well, we could get in there no trouble with the Heart of Gold and put Marvin back together again for Trillian!" Ford held his hands out. Zaphod went quiet.

  "They reckon the planet is impossible to break into," said Etats.

  "I know," said Zaphod, thinking. "That's why we'll do it!"

  "You in, Arthur?" Asked Ford.

  "I don't think I have much choice," replied Arthur. "The mini-cab fare from here to Zaphod's must be staggering. I'm in."

  "What about you guys?" Zaphod asked the dolphins.

  "No, we'd be out of our depth," said Etats. "But we'll monitor your progress from here."

  "Okay then men, to the Heart of Gold," ordered Zaphod. "Excitement, adventure and really wild things look out, here we come!"

  CHAPTER 50

  The Heart of Gold was somewhat less than 100%. The service had been useful, as the neutramatic machine would now deliver a damn near perfect cup of Earl Grey, but the mechanics hadn't exactly been thorough. All the standard points of the service manual had been covered, but then the service manual didn't cover the possibility of the owner deliberately pulling a few wires. So, behind an innocent looking inspection panel, the wires (which Zaphod incorrectly assumed had belonged to the 'fasten your seat belts' light) remained pulled. They were actually part of the microprocessor controlled reverse interlock relay memory bank of the infinite improbability drive. This device dumped all the necessary co-ordinates of the Universe into the ship's computer for processing. This enabled the ship to assess current location against potential and possible location, in relation to requested location. The ship's computer would then arrive in the requested location and dump all these details back with the co-ordinates of the ship's latest position. This meant that next time infinite improbability was used, the computer couldn't update the current location in relation to it's position in the Universe, as, unfortunately, this information would normally travel back through one of the pulled wires.

  In layman's terms, the next time infinite improbability drive was used, the ship would arrive totally lost and unable to use infinite improbability drive until the wire was replaced and the co-ordinates reprogrammed.

  CHAPTER 51

  "Okay Ford, hit the improb button," ordered Zaphod, lounging in his favourite chair. Ford obliged and the ship blinked out and into existence in a flash.

  Zaphod was in his least favourite chair, Ford had his blazer on and Arthur was wearing something which, by all accounts, should have found it's way to a jumble sale by now.

  "Arthur, I hate to tell you this, old mate," said Ford, realising he was now holding the remains of Marvin.

  "I know," said Arthur, his hands stuffed deep in his dressing gown pockets. It was a little less shabby than when he last saw it but it was still very worn at the edges, sides and generally all over. "I suppose travelling the Universe wouldn't be the same without it."

  "Well guys, looks like we're all dressed for the occasion," said Zaphod, wondering where his great suit was now resting.

  It was, in fact, not resting at all. It was in orbit around a rather weak star and was trying to out do the star's solar flares. Arthur's suit had become an airport for a colony of flying frogs. The improbability drive also caused Arthur's watch to go backwards, the rain forests of Eeetneet to instantly dry out and for three people to be taken from the living room where they were perfectly happy, to a locked room on a supposedly impregnable planet.

  "What's the big deal about this planet?" Asked Arthur.

  "I can tell you," chirped Eddie, the shipboard computer. "But I really ought to tell you something quite important about the ship first."

  "Put a cork in it, Eddie," said Zaphod. "We don't need to hear any more sales talk from you, I think we'll get enough of that on the planet."

  "You see, Arthur," began Ford. "The Sirius Cybernetic
s Corporation had a lot of trouble with people breaking into their computer systems trying to find out what new releases were on the way."

  "To steal the ideas?" Asked Arthur.

  "Nah, the ideas were so ridiculous it was just amusing to read them," interjected Zaphod. "So the SCC changed all their documentation into paper records and moved their headquarters to this Magrathean planet where the atmosphere was poisonous and acidic so no ship could get through unless it was travelling really fast so the acid couldn't get a grip on the ship. However, any ship travelling that fast would be smashed into oblivion because it couldn't pull up in time."

  "Who would go to that trouble just to read some amusing sales brochures?" Asked Arthur.

  "No one, as the SCC found out to their loss," said Ford, chuckling. "As there was no point hacking any more, sales of SCC computer terminals dropped Universewide. So the SCC gave in and put the details back on computer, but kept the planet as they had paid a fortune for it and couldn't write it off on the books."

  "But how can anything survive on the surface with all that acid?" Asked Arthur, knowing full well he was expected to go out onto the surface shortly.

  "The bad atmosphere stops 50 metres above the surface, so it's good clean air down here," said Ford. "The improbability drive dropped us right on the surface. We just have to hope it doesn't rain."

  "Is it safe?" Asked Arthur.

  "No way, I hear that employees who don't come up to scratch get scratched from existence," said Ford with a gleam in his eyes.

  "Perhaps we should go back," said Zaphod, seeing a good idea fall apart.

  "No, all we've got to do is pass the initiative test and we're in," said Ford.

  "Initiative test?" Said Arthur and Zaphod in unison.

  The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation faced many problems when they moved to Sirius, such as getting employees, getting them to Sirius and keeping them there. The third was not a major problem as they couldn't get off anyway, but the first two caused many headaches. The planet had been picked for it's remoteness, which didn't please the commuting employees, especially when they found out what happened to their ships on entering the atmosphere. So accommodation was provided on the planet, with all possible amenities also made available. The most popular of these were the Sirius Sex Cybernauts. The employees could chose the colour, shape, life form, etc. of the cybernauts to the extent of creating an exact replica of their partner, or more generally, someone else's partner. After an initial programming bug, which resulted in the cybernauts calling out the wrong name at the height of excitement, was sorted out, the cybernauts became very successful on Sirius. However, the Marketing Division could see no potential in releasing the Sex Cybernauts for sale to the public. One was given away in a 'Spirit of the Age' competition, but as there was no maintenance agreement, it was never heard of again. As soon as hackers found out about the cybernauts, they realised the only way to get their hands on one would be to join the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. To handle the large influx of job applicants, the SCC devised an initiative test to weed out those who were unsuitable. The test took the form of a large number of logic test rooms where applicants had to solve a problem before passing on to the next room. As SCC logic is somewhat left field of everyone else's logic (so left field it can often be found in the car park), most people die horribly in their attempt to conquer all the rooms. Those who do get through could wander around until they found an empty desk and then have a go at anything that took their fancy, which was generally a Sex Cybernaut.