HHGTTG - The Lost Chapters

by Douglas Adams

  "Marvin!" Cried Trillian. She flung her arms around him. "Are we glad to see you."

  "No you're not," sulked Marvin.

  "We are," said Fenchurch. "We thought we'd be stuck here for days."

  "How did you open the door?" Asked Trillian.

  "Simple," said Marvin. "I said 'Macaroni'."

  "Is that logical?" Asked Fenchurch.

  "Look," started Marvin, making it perfectly clear he didn't want to. "If you had held the paper over the candle lit by the matches, then the word 'Macaroni' would have appeared."

  "I take it this is the Marvin you told me about," said Bolo.

  "Well it sounds like him," said Trillian. "Marvin, I thought you were, er....."

  "Yes, so did I," moaned Marvin. "Come on, we've got work to do."

  CHAPTER 55

  Zaphod, Ford and Arthur were in a long hallway with a door at the end and one either side of them. Their search for Marvin had been fruitless.

  "Where on Betelgeuse is that robot?" Asked Ford.

  "Perhaps he's behind one of these doors," said Arthur in his best 'I'll offer a solution but someone else can follow it up type voice.

  "Only one way to find out," said Zaphod as he raised his Neutron-Breaking Desolation Ray Gun. A roar reminiscent of a Disaster Area power chord overwhelmed Ford's cries of disagreement. The door at the end of the corridor wasn't any longer. However, making quite an impressive replacement for it was a Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal. Zaphod and Arthur felt considerably more threatened by that than they did by the door. Zaphod disappeared through the door to Ford's right, Arthur through the door on Ford's left.

  "Don't run," yelled Ford to two slammed doors. He quickly threw his towel over his head, having read many years ago in the Guide that the Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal is so stupid, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you. The beast brushed past Ford disappointed at losing its prey so quickly. Ford thanked his lucky stars and galaxies that for once the Guide wasn't hypocriful or wildly misleading.

  Arthur found himself in a long thin corridor. Above him were four huge green girders and above these was an ominous void. Arthur held his gun firmly in his hand, or as firmly as his sweaty palms would allow. He looked up between two of the girders and to his horror saw rows of coloured creatures forming above him. In panic he took a pot shot at them and to his surprise he hit one. The creature disappeared, but there was another right on top of the recently created space. Arthur's pot shot obviously angered the creatures because they all started scuttling to the right in unison and firing back. Arthur dived under a girder. Drawing a deep breath, he leapt between two girders and fired furiously at the creatures, watching for the counter fire. The creatures kept changing their direction and dropping closer to the girders. Arthur was so overjoyed at clearing a column, he didn't notice the lightening bolt until it was too late. He was sent flying. As soon as he scrambled to his feet, the creatures started firing again. Arthur noticed the bolts were eating into his protective girders and the creatures were getting lower. He decided to give up on the passing space ships. He had hit one by mistake and all that happened was that the number 200 appeared in the void. Arthur didn't have the time to ponder the significance of this. He just kept on firing.

  Zaphod, meanwhile, found himself in a zoo. At least that's what he thought it was. He was standing by a glass cage looking at four curious animals. They looked like mutated octopi, with short stubby tentacles that they used to move around on.

  Zaphod looked around. "No other animals," he thought. "Shoddy zoo really." The rest of the area looked like a maze but an easy one because he could see no dead ends. There was a weird underfloor lighting system that had lights about every two feet.

  "Definitely a zonko designer. And this awful music." Zaphod obviously touched someone's nerve, for the cage door sprang open and the animals streamed out after him. His legs reacted faster than his brain, having predicted the usual message.

  Zaphod was right about the zonko designer. The underfloor lighting seemed to 'short' each time one of Zaphod's feet pounded nearby. He could only see two exits and headed for the nearest one, only to find that the entrance to one was the exit to the other. This was geometrically impossible as they were opposite to each other, but Zaphod didn't have time to let this concern him. The animals were closing in on him like market researchers in the high street.

  Zaphod turned left at a T-junction by a wall only to find himself in a corner, with two animals coming at him from each direction. By the time he got his Heat-Seeking Davy Knife out, he was leapt upon by the animals, which proceeded to kick the proverbial out of him with their stubby tentacles until he passed out.

  When he came around, he was outside the cage. He stood up and rattled the animal's cage, which was enough for them to escape again. Zaphod's legs went into automatic.

  Arthur was doing reasonably well. He had been hit again but gamely got up and had reduced the creatures down in numbers to two. These two had doubled their speed and were now skimming across the tops of the girders.

  Arthur stood under what was left of one girder and waited. As they passed he leapt out, blasted one and leapt back before the other one could fire back. Arthur now stood in the open. One on one seemed a lot fairer. He raised his gun slowly and pointed upwards. The creature zoomed above as Arthur's first shot disappeared into the void. The second shot didn't miss. The door at the end of the corridor swung open and light flooded in. Arthur blew away the imaginary smoke from the top of the gun and walked into the light.

  Zaphod was doing a bit better. He had found some brighter lights that turned the animals blue with fear when he ran over them. He could squash the animals when they were blue, and took great pleasure in doing so. This in turn made him a bit cocky, he stood still and teased the animals, running over a bright light just when they thought they had him. Pretty soon he had darkened the majority of the area and had even squashed some fruit some idiot had left in his path. He had one light to go and stood by it proudly as the animals homed in on him once more.

  "Sorry, suckers," he gloated as he stomped on the light. The animals disappeared, as did the cage and the inner walls. All that was left was an open door.

  Ford walked through the doorway that once contained a very ambitious door. This door had designs on becoming an MD's door and had even made a few tentative enquiries about oak panelling. However, a trigger-happy Zaphod had put paid to these aspirations and subjected the door to a lifetime career as sawdust, some of which stuck to Ford's feet as he scattered the nest of the Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal with a couple of hearty kicks. Although there was little logic to this as the stupid creature wouldn't be able to find it's way back, acting like a vandal paid off because a trap door was revealed. Ford opened the trap door and looked at the drop of about three metres. It was fairly dark but as there were no other visible exits, Ford threw down his towel to cushion the fall and jumped down.

  He felt his way around the wall until he found a light switch.

  As he threw the switch, a holographic recording of an old, grey-haired acquaintance started in the middle of the room.

  "Hello, prospective employee, I hope you're enjoying this initiative test," said the recording. "As you can see, you cannot return through the trap door because it is out of reach. However, you will be able to pass through the locked door behind you once you have said the password."

  "Slartibartfast, what are you doing here?" Asked Ford.

  "That's not the password," said Slartibartfast. The image flickered. "We were asked to build this planet and as I designed this section, and as I had experience at this sort of thing, I was asked to do some recording."

  "How come you can answer me?" Asked Ford, puzzled.

  "That's not the password." The image flickered again.

  "Interactive holography. Many, many answers have been recorded and a computer selects an appropriate answer to any questions asked."

  "That must have taken ages," said Ford, shakin
g his head.

  "That's not the password." Flicker. "Weeks and weeks, but the repeat fees are very good."

  "I suppose I ought to work out this password," sighed Ford.

  "Let me pass?"

  "That's not the password."

  Arthur was in a large cavernous hall. It looked rather blocky and bland. Some of the blocks moved and fired at Arthur. He hid behind a column and looked around for anything useful. A pair of spectacles was hanging on the pillar. He picked them up and inspected them. They looked ordinary enough apart for some etching on the side. He looked closely and could just make out the inscription 3DFX. He put them on and the blocky hall smoothed out beautifully. The bland walls changed to realistically textured walls and the moving blocks became detailed Marvin lookalikes. Arthur was so stunned by the detail that he almost took a hit.

  "Hello, we are so delighted to meet you."

  "What?" Yelled Arthur.

  "It is our pleasure to serve you."

  "You were trying to kill me!"

  "Well, yes, but it would have been our pleasure to serve you prior to death."

  "Do you have to kill me, serving me with pleasure sounds much better."

  "That's the rub. We are programmed to serve with a happy disposition and cheery nature. However, the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation miscalculated the demand and have had to stockpile us. We have been asked to fill in here at the induction testing. Not really our forte. Service robots are not great killers. We at least like things to be fair. Three against one is hardly sporting, is it?"

  "I may be able to help there," said Arthur.

  "Rumplestiltskin," said Ford.

  "That's not the password."

  "Magrathea rules okay."

  "That's not the password."

  "Slartibartfast rules okay."

  "That's not the password."

  "Oh, why don't you get back to your Fjords, you senile old fool and open this door for me," yelled Ford.

  "That's the password." And with that the hologram disappeared and the door opened.

  Zaphod was walking along a corridor, poised and ready to run at the slightest sign of danger. There were doors leading off both sides of the corridor but Zaphod wasn't trying any. He had his gun held high, pointing towards the ceiling. This looked very impressive and that's what Zaphod wanted, even though he didn't have anything to back it up with.

  Suddenly a door opened to his right. His body reacted immediately and he passed out. Ford walked through the doorway and shook his head.

  "So you will get the other two and bring them back here?"

  "No problem, you just wait here and I will be back as soon as I can. How do I get out of here?"

  "Down that slide over there. You will be back soon, won't you?"

  "Oh yes," lied Arthur. "As soon as I find the others."

  Arthur slipped into the slide, careered down a dark, winding tunnel and through a panel to land at the feed of Ford and Zaphod, who passed out again.

  CHAPTER 56

  Trillian, Bolo and Fenchurch followed Marvin into the storeroom.

  "Should we take any of this stuff?" Asked Bolo.

  "It's rubbish," said Marvin. "All of it. You're supposed to stand in the centre of the room and say 'Emases Nepo'." A doorway appeared out of nowhere in the wall, revealing a tunnel.

  "That's not logical, is it?" Exclaimed Trillian.

  "You should try reading the Sirius Cybernetics corporate policy," said Marvin as grinding gears propelled him through the doorway.

  "So the men have gone the wrong way?" Said Fenchurch.

  "They can get through another way but that is so depressingly boring and stupid," said Marvin. "Most people go that way. I tried to warn them but they wouldn't listen. Nobody listens to me."

  "We listen to you," said Bolo. She had studied mechanical stress and depression briefly as part of an engineering degree she kept very quiet about. "We will follow you as well and do what you want...." She looked at the others. "Because we respect you and your opinions. Trillian had told me of your achievements and you deserve recognition."

  Marvin stopped walking. He also stopped the calculation of retrospective analytical data on predictive inverted ancestry of an ant he had stepped on one million, two hundred and thirty one thousand and two years ago (a task he had undertaken to relieve the boredom before taking the next step). He concentrated his considerable mental abilities on Bolo's words and however hard he tried, he could find no trace of sarcasm or insincerity. He ran it through one more time. The girls waited.

  "Who am I?" He said.

  "Marvin," said Trillian, confused.

  "That's all the recognition I've ever received and all I deserve," said Marvin and trundled off down the tunnel.

  "Worth a shot," said Bolo.

  "Nice effort," said Trillian. "I thought you had him for a second." They chased after Marvin.

  "This next room is one of the programming rooms, " said Marvin. "I need to interface with the initiative test computer to find out where the others are. Don't get into too much trouble."

  The room they entered wasn't like an aircraft hanger. Aircraft hangers had a cosy, intimate feel compared with this room. Thousands of desks filled the room in perfect symmetry and behind every desk sat a programmer, each busily keying into a terminal built into the desk. The ergonomics of the room were appalling due to the fact that the recently formed Department of Ergonomic Consideration had to be disbanded after a week because the cleaners wanted their broom closet back.

  The perfect symmetry was broken by one programmer who stood up as he saw Marvin go into the little robot's room. The programmer waved at the three girls and they made their way through the desks until they finally arrived at the desk of Percival Unha.

  "I'm Percival Unha," he announced, picking up a nameplate from his desk bearing the inscription 'UNHA P.' . "See? Do you know that robot, the one that went in the interface room?"

  "Yes, he's with us," said Trillian. Percival's voice sounded vaguely familiar to her.

  "What's his name?" Asked Percival. His voice had all the tonal qualities of a bored foghorn.

  "That's the second time we've been asked that," said Bolo. "It's Marvin."

  "That's all the recognition he deserves," moaned Percival. The girls looked at each other, stunned. "I programmed that robot. I built part of my personality into it. Is he a jolly robot?"

  "Not really," said Fenchurch. "Not much of the time. Well, to be perfectly honest, never really."

  "Not surprising," said Percival. "I'm not what you would call a bubbly person myself. I was having a rough time when I was programming it. I had one of the first sex cybernauts, you see. My android replica was playing up again, it's no joke. I was terribly, I don't know, pissed off with the whole thing. My heart wasn't in it."

  "That explains a lot," said Trillian. "Your robot has taken depression to new depths."

  "I would really like to meet him," said Percival. "I never met him after initial programming, he was whisked away to serve on a new ship, the Heart of Gold."

  "I'll get him for you," said Bolo, running off to the interface room.

  "I never thought I'd get this opportunity," said Percival. "We don't get to see any finished products. It was a shame I wasn't a bit more cheerful when I did Marvin, but I only recall being cheerful once, and I didn't waste that on a stupid robot."

  Bolo brought Marvin through the desks to Percival.

  "Marvin, this is your creator, Percival Unha," said Trillian, proudly.

  "Daddy?" Stuttered Marvin.

  "Marvin," said Percival.

  Marvin moved forward and embraced Percival. Tears welled up in everyone's eyes. Marvin gripped Percival tighter as Percival sobbed on his shoulder. It may have been a trick of the light, but Trillian was sure she saw a smile on Marvin's face, just before he sent fifty thousand volts through Percival.

  "That'll teach him to fuck around playing God," said Marvin as he trundled through the smouldering mess that was once Percival. />
  CHAPTER 57

  Zaphod, Ford and Arthur had now reached the final room of the initiative test. They had just carefully circumnavigated a large pool of aggressive looking slime, which was perfectly harmless apart from the smell. If they had touched any part of the slime, the smell would have stayed with them for life. As most potential employees couldn't avoid the slime, the Marketing Division came up with the slogan 'You may think our products stink, but you should meet our employees' as a possible replacement for 'Share and enjoy'.

  The only reasons Zaphod, Ford and Arthur had reached this final room were luck, bad taste and the fact that the initiative test wasn't designed for three people who spent more time arguing about what to do than doing anything at all. Most potential hazards got so bored waiting, they went off to pester someone else.

  The final room contained two exit doors, a large screen and three weary hitchhikers.

  "So this is it," said Arthur. "We're going to get out of here."

  "I told you I'd get you through," said Zaphod.

  "When?" Asked Ford.

  "Earlier," said Zaphod. "Didn't I? Well if I didn't, I sure meant to. You should have known you could rely on me."

  "Rely on you!" Exclaimed Arthur. "That's a bit of a contradiction in terms. It's like saying 'Flat Pack Easy Assembly' or 'Military Intelligence'."

  "Haven't I given you guidance?" Demanded Zaphod.

  "Guidance?" Yelled Ford. "Climbing up the wall screaming 'Slime, slime, don't let it touch me' is not my idea of guidance."

  "Hey! Get offa my case," said Zaphod. "Wasn't it me who discovered the gravity walls around the slime?"

  "I didn't like the look of that stuff," said Arthur. "It reminded me of stuff on Earth that was put on hamburgers disguised as relish."

  "And I really relish the thought of getting outta here guys," whined Zaphod. "So can we please get a move on?"

  As Zaphod spoke, the large screen lit up. An old, balding head wearing glasses appeared. He had the look of a traffic warden with piles. Totally humourless was a very generous description of the look on his face.