Wand of the Witch

by Daniel Arenson

  The spiderlings laughed and began imitating her. "G-g-gossamer and W-w-webdew!" They shook with laughter. "We'll take you to see them, freak, and that human you brought with you."

  They raised their bamboo shoots to their lips.

  "Wun, Scwuff!" Cobweb cried, grabbed him, and pulled him back. But darts blew from the bamboo shoots. One hit her arm, and she yelped. Another hit Scruff's neck.

  Scruff howled and began running toward the spiderlings. They blew more darts. They hit Scruff's neck. He howled and tripped. He wavered for a moment, then pitched forward and hit the forest floor.

  "Scwuuuu...," Cobweb tried to cry, but her tongue felt so heavy. She took a step toward him, her knees wobbled, and she fell. Her cheek hit dry leaves.

  She looked up and blinked. She saw the spiderlings laughing and kicking leaves onto her. Mist floated over her world, and she saw nothing more.

  * * * * *

  Neev's eyes fluttered open.

  His mouth was dry. His throat burned and his shoulder throbbed. But I'm alive. God, I'm alive.

  "Neev!" Romy said. Her head appeared above his. She rained countless kisses upon him and held him tight. "Oh, Neev, thank goodness you're alive."

  His arms were still weak, but he managed to hug her. He lay on his back on stone, Romy atop him.

  "Romy. Romy! Air. I need air."

  She nodded, sniffed, and climbed off him. He breathed deeply and propped himself onto his elbows.

  "What happened?"

  Romy trembled. "Those snakes you alerted with your roars... one bit you. They're venomous. You almost died, but I stopped the poison just on time."

  He gasped. "You sucked the poison out? You know, you're not supposed to do that."

  "No, silly! You can't suck out tunnel snake poison. There's only one way to stop it." Suddenly she seemed embarrassed and looked away. Being a demon, her skin was always red, but her cheeks turned redder.

  "What, Romy? What did you do?" He frowned. "Don't tell me that...."

  She nodded. "Yeah. I had too—"

  "I don't want to know." He held up his hand.

  "It was the only way. I—"

  "Romy, please, spare me!"

  She nodded, sheepish. "Let's just say, it's a good thing I had a lot to drink this morning."

  "ROMY!" He groaned. He stood up on shaky legs. "Please, Romy, please, never speak of this again."

  She began to giggle. She leaped around him, laughing, and tugging the tail which now grew from his back.

  "Wait until I tell everybody! Ooh, maybe John Quill will write an article about it."

  Grumbling, Neev began walking down the tunnel. His tail swished behind him. "Come on, Romy, let's keep going."

  The tunnel sloped down as they walked, a spiral leading miles underground. The air grew hot and dry. Crystals glittered in the walls, white and purple and blue. As they walked, the crystals grew larger, until they were the size of men. Hundreds glowed around, below, and above them.

  "Pretty," Romy said in awe.

  A few more steps, and the tunnel became a towering cavern, ten times the size of Fort Rosethorn. Crystals here rose like columns, a hundred feet tall, purple and pink and silver. They glowed and hummed, a sound like harps. Light glittered around the chamber. Streams of water flowed between the crystals, pure and clear. Neev knelt and drank; the water was icy and delicious. Romy got on all four and began lapping water like a dog, drinking and drinking. She grinned at Neev between sips.

  "Just in case more snakes—"

  "Romy!"

  "Okay, okay." She wiped her lips. "Let's go."

  She rose to her feet, and they kept walking. The crystal caves led to tunnels which spiralled down into heat and darkness. Diamonds glittered in the walls. Clawed footprints and fur covered the ground and walls.

  "What creatures live here?" Neev asked.

  "Oh, don't worry about that fur," Romy said. "It's only from the VMKWs—vicious molemen killer warlords. They're harmless."

  Neev winced. "Romy, vicious molemen killer warlords don't sound too harmless."

  "Trust me, Neev! We're safe. They hibernate in the winter. They only eat people in the autumn, to fatten up for the cold months."

  Neev groaned and clutched her shoulders. "Romy, it's autumn now!"

  Her eyes widened. She gasped. "Really?"

  "Romy!"

  She shook her head wildly. "Well, how should I know? I've never seen winter on Earth before! I thought winter was when the leaves are red and—"

  "That's autumn!"

  Romy winced. She looked around her, biting her lip. "Uhm, I had an idea, Neev. Instead of finding demon friends, let's... return to Earth and just hide in the forest. Let's go do that right now."

  Before Neev could reply, sniffing and scratching came from behind them.

  "Uh oh," Romy said.

  Neev spun around. In the light of Romy's hair, he saw white teeth and claws. When the creatures came closer, he saw the rest of them. They stood four feet tall, hobbling on squat legs. They wore bronze helmets and breastplates over dank, brown fur. They had no eyes, but long snouts that sniffed, and whiskers that reached out three feet long. Their paws were huge, each one the size of their torsos.

  "Who goes there?" they asked, voices nasal. "Who invades the kingdom of the vicious molemen killer warlords?"

  "Stand back, molemen!" Romy said. She raised her pitchfork. "This is the vicious Romy, the, uhm... mighty... warrior demon... moleman killer!" She nodded.

  The molemen scurried forward, sniffing. Their whiskers poked Neev and Romy, moving across them.

  "A demon and a human!" they said. "They must die, friends! Yes, friends, they will feed us for winter."

  Romy shrieked and turned to flee, but more molemen came from the tunnel's other end. Their maws opened. Their teeth were large as daggers, their claws like swords.

  "You take those, I'll fight these ones!" Neev said.

  He tossed a fireball. The molemen shrieked. Their fur blazed. One fell, and the other three raced forward, claws stabbing. Neev leaped back. One claw slashed his leg, drawing blood. He grunted and tossed lightning, hitting the moleman before it could claw him again.

  Romy shrieked and fought, holding back molemen with her pitchfork. More kept pouring into the tunnel from above, blocking their escape. Neev saw a dozen or more in the darkness.

  "Come on, Romy, let's go! There are too many."

  He grabbed her elbow and pulled her with him. They leaped over a moleman and ran into darkness. They raced down the tunnel, descending deeper into the earth.

  "But Neev," Romy said, "are you sure we should go this way?"

  Twenty or more molemen were chasing, their claws scratching the earth. They were screeching and calling for blood.

  "I'm sure!"

  "But Neev! This will take us straight to...."

  Neev skidded to a stop. Romy froze beside him and gulped. The tunnel had ended. They found themselves standing on a ledge of stone, overlooking a chamber the size of a cathedral. A waterfall of lava fell ahead, lighting wagons of jewels, bridges of stone, alcoves in the walls... and hundreds of molemen.

  A pillar of stone rose from a pool of lava, holding a golden throne. The molemen king sat there, clad in gold and jewels, overseeing his realm. A crown of diamonds rested on his head. Like the others, he had no eyes, but he sniffed the air and snarled.

  "I smell invaders! A demon and human! Kill them, molemen! Feast upon them."

  Molemen came racing from the cavern below. Molemen screeched behind.

  "Oh, bloody hell," Neev said. He wrapped his arms around Romy and pulled her off the ledge of stone.

  "Fly, Romy, fly!"

  She screamed. They were tumbling toward the pool of lava below. "But... but!"

  "No buts! FLY!"

  The lava bubbled below. Romy flapped her wings. Neev's boots grazed the lava... and they flew. Romy's wings flapped madly and she squealed. Neev tightened his arms around her.

  "Neev!" she screamed. "St
op holding my butt!"

  He groaned. "Just fly, Romy!"

  Molemen leaped toward them from alcoves on the wall. Still clutching Romy, Neev pointed his fingers at them. He shot whatever bolts of lightning he could muster. They screeched and fell.

  "There is no escaping the kingdom of the molemen!" their king shouted. He leaped off his throne, vaulted through the air, and grabbed Romy's leg.

  Romy squealed. The extra weight began pulling her down. The king snarled and drooled. Clinging to Romy, Neev kicked and hit the king's face. The moleman snarled and snapped at his boots, and Neev kicked again. Lava still clung to his soles, and it sprayed the king's face.

  "You cannot escape!" he screeched.

  Neev kicked him in the teeth. The king screamed, fell, and splashed into the lava. Droplets flew and singed Neev's clothes. He grunted.

  "That tunnel ahead, Romy! Fly into it!"

  She was still screaming, but managed to flap her wings and fly toward the tunnel. More molemen leaped toward them. Neev shot them down with lightning.

  "Go on! Into the tunnel!"

  The tunnel grew closer. Romy flapped her wings... and crashed into the wall a foot away from the tunnel. Neev grunted.

  "Oohhhhh," Romy moaned.

  She flapped her wings again, and they rolled into the tunnel, singed and groaning. The molemen screeched behind. Neev spun around and saw a dozen climbing into the tunnel. He roasted them with a fireball, and they fell screaming.

  "Come on, Neev!" Romy shouted. She grabbed his hand and began pulling him into the tunnel. "Let's run! The molemen don't go deeper."

  They ran down the tunnel; it sloped steeply. When Neev turned his head, he saw the molemen pursuing. He sent lightning their way, and they fell.

  "They're following!" he shouted.

  Romy panted beside him. "They won't for long. Trust me!"

  "I'll never trust you again! Trusting you is what got us into this mess!"

  They kept running down the tunnel. The air grew hotter. The molemen shrieked behind.

  A deep, loud growl shook the tunnel. Whatever made the sound was big. The molemen behind froze, whimpered, then turned their tails and fled back to their lair.

  Romy paused, panting, and brushed her hands together. "See? I told you, Neev. I told you. The molemen don't go down here."

  The growl shook the tunnel again. Neev shuddered.

  "Why not, Romy?" he whispered.

  "Well, obviously, it's because of the lava whale."

  The growl below rose to a howl. It was so loud, Neev had to cover his ears.

  "Lava whale, Romy? Really?"

  She groaned. "Neev, don't worry! It also hibernates in winter, and... oh." She winced. "Oops."

  Neev sighed. Lava splashed ahead and red eyes blazed. His sigh turned into a scream.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Grumbledook

  Snow flurried around her. Icy wind blew. Jamie cursed, shivered, and clung to the mountainside. She climbed inch by inch, desperately grasping bumps and crannies.

  "Romy should have gone to get the dragon," she muttered through shivering lips. "She could have flown up."

  Climbing around her, the elflings shivered. Their lips were blue, and frost coated their hair. Wind gusted, and they clung to the stone, their cloaks fluttering.

  "We're almost there," Rowyn said. "I can see the mountaintop."

  Jamie swallowed. A dragon waited there. The wind gusted again, slamming snow against her face. But at least dragonfire is warm. She climbed over a snowy boulder, reached for purchase, and grabbed something long and smooth. She found herself holding a human femur.

  "Oh, gross!" she said and tossed it aside. After fighting Dry Bones, she had hoped to never see bones again.

  Ellywyn ducked. The bone flew over her head, and she glared.

  "Jamie, show some respect to those who died here!" the elfling warrior said.

  When Jamie climbed another few feet, she found more bones, and even a few skulls still wearing helmets. A skeleton's hand was clutching a rusty sword. The bones were charred.

  "They came here to fight Grumbledook," she said and gulped. If they had died, why should she survive?

  A growl rose from the mountaintop. Snow cascaded. Jamie clung to the trembling mountain.

  "Grumbledook!" whispered Noelyn, white with snow. She reached into her quiver and drew an arrow.

  Puffs of smoke rose from the mountain. It felt like climbing a volcano. Roars shook the mountain—horrible, deafening roars of fury... that soon turned into coughs. The dragon above hacked and cursed.

  "Beware!" came a voice from above. "Beware the mighty Grumbl—cough cough—the mighty dragon of the—cough—" The coughing continued for a moment and ended with a whimper. "Oh bloody hell. Just go away, will you?"

  Jamie drew her sword, climbed a few more feet, and saw a nest upon the mountaintop. Fifty feet wide, it was built of dented armor, bones, shields, and even a few maces. Grumbles and puffs of smoke rose from the nest. From her position, Jamie couldn't see the creature inside.

  "We're not here to hurt you!" she called. She climbed an extra few feet. The smoke unfurled before her. A smell of oil, ash, and old blood filled her nostrils. "We're just here to talk."

  The voice rose from the nest. "Bah! You elves—cough cough—always say that. And then it's arrows, and daggers, and spells, and finally nice elf bones to eat. Not much meat on you little buggers, but—cough cough—it beats eating mountain goats. Come here, little elves! Come here to my mighty jaws. I've still got a few teeth left."

  Jamie climbed a few more feet and reached the edge of the nest. Bones lay strewn about it, some still clad in rusty armor. She peeked above the nest's edge... and beheld Grumbledook the dragon.

  "Wow, you're... small," she said.

  He wasn't much larger than her, a mere five feet long from head to tail. Only three teeth remained in his maw. His scales were white, and he sported a long white beard and moustache. Holes filled his creaky wings.

  "I used to be larger," he said and coughed. "Once I filled this entire nest! But dragons shrink as they age, and...." He growled. "But what business is it of yours? Be gone, elf."

  He thinks I'm an elf! Jamie thought, warmth filling her for the first time today. She beamed with pride. I'd love to be an elf. And yet she felt it unfair to deceive the dragon, especially if she wanted his help.

  "I'm not an elf," she said. "I'm a human. But I'm also smaller than usual. I guess you could say we have that in common."

  Grumbledook flapped his wings, rose three feet in the air, and blew a puff of smoke.

  "We have nothing in common! I am a fierce dragon! I am a terror of—cough cough—" He collapsed back into the nest. He looked up at her miserably. "Do you also cough when you get mad?"

  Jamie climbed over a shield and breastplate and entered the nest. She walked over armor, bones, and sword hilts. When she reached Grumbledook, she placed her hand on his head. His scales were cold and smooth.

  "No, but when I was little, I once caught a bad cold. My brother Scruff made me tea with milk, honey, and ginger. That seemed to help."

  She sighed inwardly. Behold the mighty warrior Jamie! she thought. I should be a dragon slayer, or at least a dragon tamer. Instead, I meet a dragon and start swapping recipes.

  The elflings climbed into the nest too. Grumbledook frowned and coughed smoke rings at them. The elflings waved them aside and stared, wincing. Grumbledook seemed ready to rant and shout some more, but Jamie patted his head, which seemed to soothe him.

  "So this is your great Grumbledook?" she asked the elflings. "I've seen larger ponies. How the hell is this tiny old thing going to help us fight Madrila?"

  Rowyn sighed. "Oh dear, he's shrunk some more."

  "A lot more," said Ellywyn.

  Noelyn approached and patted the dragon. "Oh, Grumbledook."

  The dragon puffed out his chest and flapped his wings. "Nonsense! Nonsense, I say. I might have shrunk a little bit. The nest does seem a bit roo
mier than usual. But mostly you have grown, elflings. Grown to ten times the size! Behold the mighty Grumble—"

  This time, it was not a cough that interrupted the dragon's words. It was a snore. Grumbledook's eyes closed and he slept.

  Jamie shook her fists to the sky. "Great! Just great, elflings. This is your champion! This is what we fought devil dogs for and climbed a mountain for! Oh, I know. Forget dragons. Let's find an elderly turtle with one eye and a gammy leg. I'm sure it could fight Madrila." She swung her sword around. "Or why stop there? Forget turtles. Maybe we can find a drowned mouse in a coma with ingrown toenails and consumption; surely no witch could face that sort of fierce creature." She clutched her head. "Oh bloody hell, I don't know why I bother."

  The elflings stared silently. Grumbledook snored.

  With a sigh, Jamie sat down on an old shield. Suddenly her quest seemed hopeless. Madrila had armies of monsters—real armies, enough to conquer a town and fortress. She had defeated hundreds of soldiers at Fort Rosethorn. How could they hope to face her like this? Only three little elflings—beings as small as she—and a shrivelled up, narcoleptic dragon?

  "The other Bullies better have more luck finding help," she muttered. But she was not hopeful. The spiderlings had banished Cobweb; would she truly find help among them? And as for Neev and Romy... Jamie groaned to remember all the times Romy had made a mess of things: Getting drunk at Queenpool, blabbering out loud while sneaking up on Vanderbeak, drinking one of Dry Bones's growth potions and growing a hundred feet tall....

  Jamie froze.

  She leaped to her feet.

  "That's it!" she said. She jumped up and down, rattling the nest. "Growth potion!"

  Grumbledook woke up and glared. "Aha! I knew you elves were getting bigger. You've been drinking growth potion! I am large and fierce as ever, I—"

  "Not for us!" Jamie said. "For you, Grumbledook. We're going to get some growth potion in you, and you'll be as big as ever."

  The old little dragon raised an eyebrow. "Is that anything like tea with honey and milk?"

  "Something like that. Now come on! Dry Bones's old tower lies miles away from here. We'll have to move fast."