A Life Without Fear (Life #2)

by C. S. Jacobs

  “Okay, I’ll get the stuff upstairs.” He smiles softly then grabs the extra bag from me and heads upstairs.

  I take my bag and go into the kitchen to get all of his food and snacks. I empty his food and water bowls and put them in the bag. Fifteen minutes later downstairs is rid of anything Rodger, except his duck. Joey comes downstairs with a bag full as well, he grabs my bag and heads to the trash cans in the backyard. I go back to the couch and cuddle the duck. This is it; all I have left of Rodger. I’ve grown used to the large lump in the back of my throat being there, making it impossible to swallow. Pulling the duck into my chest, I lie down on the couch and stare into the fire. I hear the doorbell and Joey jogs to the front door, I’m sure to retrieve the food he’s ordered. He heads back to me and plops down with a bag full of Chinese food boxes and although it smells good, I have no interest in it.

  He heads into the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine and some glasses. Joey opens all the boxes and pours us some wine. I snag a pack of chopsticks and peel open the paper and just play with them in my hand. Joey hands me a glass of wine and a box of food, I shake my head, but he pushes them closer to me. Knowing I’m not going to win this fight, I sit up and take both from him. I take a small bite of the Mongolian beef to appease him but, believe it or not, it ends up tasting way better than I’d hoped it would. I go back and forth between bites of food and sips of wine. Joey turns on the television and he lands on a cupcake competition and we sit in comfortable silence and watch. Our evening in uneventful, I eat as much as I possibly can, the wine has relaxed me but has also made me tired. Joey puts all the food away then holds my hand and takes me to my room. He pulls the blankets back from my bed and tucks me in like a child.

  “I’m sorry Ang, I truly am, but it will get easier I promise, baby girl. He’s in a better place.” He kisses my forehead and heads out of my room without another word.

  I hear him pad down the stairs and head out of the front door. The sound of his key turning the locks echoes in my now very empty house. I’ve always felt like this house was too much for just Rodger and me, now, now I feel like I’m going to get lost in this house all by myself. I’m so used to Rodger being at the foot of my bed. I move my feet to feel where he should be and all I feel is cold sheets. Jumping out of the bed and running down the stairs to the living room, I find the duck right where I left it on the couch. I pick it up and run back to my room. Once I’m back in bed, I hold onto the duck for dear life and cry myself to sleep.

  The weekend passes by like a blur. Saturday was spent watching movies with Joey. Blake called a few times; he even delivered dinner and ate with us. I wasn’t much company so the night was pretty short. I cried myself to sleep yet again. Sunday I asked them both to let me spend the day alone. My granddad and Betty both called to check on me. I assured them I was fine just sad. I spent the day in the library trying to read a book but my mind was elsewhere, I couldn’t concentrate to save my life.

  I slept a lot and the duck never left my side, it was my link to Rodger and I carried it like a baby carries their blanket. I tried to eat, but my stomach was just not having it. I watched crap television not actually paying attention, I just needed there to be sounds in the house, it was far too quiet. Rodger was always padding around the house, or snoring in his sleep. What I would give to hear any noise. Now it’s only me in this big place, it hurts my heart to be here alone. I exchanged a few texts with the boys before I called it a night. I know they’re both worried about me, but I know it’ll pass. It’s just too much at once, for anyone. I need time and I know it’ll get easier. But right now it’s anything but easy. I need to get back into my routine and back to my normal life.

  Rodger, Rodger honey, please stay with me don’t leave me. I don’t want to be without you. Please Rodger, please. Beep. Beep. The machine that he’s hooked up to beeps incessantly until it becomes one loud BEEEPPP…

  I’m startled awake. My alarm has gone off for too long and is now one solid beep. Turning it off, I wipe my eyes, more tears. Always tears. I don’t feel like running so I skip it and go straight to the shower. After showering, I get ready for work and head out. I know I’m extremely early, but I need to get lost in work. Hailing a taxi, I make my routine stop for coffee then go straight to the office. I smile at Charlie, he smiles softly at me. I wonder if he knows what happened? I don’t dwell, instead heading straight up to the office and find it empty. I’ve even beaten Bill, that’s a first. Walking to my office, I get straight to work on emails. After about fifteen minutes my cell phone starts to ring, so I grab it out of my purse and notice that it’s Blake calling.

  “Hello?”

  “Angelica, are you all right?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be Blake?”

  “Well, you aren’t answering your front door.”

  “That’s because I’m not home. I’m at work, did you need something?”

  “Oh, well, no. I just wanted to check on you, bring you coffee.”

  “Thank you for the gesture Blake, but I had to come into work. I could use a good distraction right now. I need to get back in the rhythm of my life.”

  “I understand, I’ll let you get back to your work. I hope you have a good day. Please let me know if you need anything.”

  “I will Blake, thank you. Have a good day.”

  “Goodbye, Angelica.”

  “Bye, Blake.”

  I hang up my phone and get straight back to work. Not even ten minutes later my phone rings yet again, and this time it’s Betty.

  “Good morning, Betty.”

  “Good mornin’ sweet child, how are you holdin’ up?”

  “As best as can be expected, I guess. I came into work early today so I can keep myself occupied.”

  “Yes, I’d imagine that you need a distraction. How are you dealing with this Angelica?” Her tone is serious.

  “Are you asking me if I’m taking pills? If you are then the answer is no, I’m not taking any. That’s not to say that I didn’t think about taking them. I thought about them more times than I’d like to admit if I’m being honest.”

  “What made you decide against them?”

  “Rodger actually, I didn’t want to use him as an excuse to take them. I suppose it’s like you said, there’s always going to be something stressful happening and I can’t take pills every time it happens. I have to learn to deal. More than anything I want to go back to normal. Before Edward came back before Rodger died, I just want to go back to everyday life.” I swallow the lump in my throat, I cannot cry at work.

  “I know Angelica. We want that so badly for you too. You’ve been dealt a bad hand, but this won’t be the hand you’ll have for the rest of your life. Sometimes we have to fold a hand so that we can get a better one next time.”

  “I love you, Betty.”

  “I love you too, child. Your granddad will call you in the next few days, okay?”

  “Okay, I’ll talk to you guys soon.”

  “Goodbye, Angelica.” Her voice is sad…I’m tired of making people sad.

  “Goodbye, Betty.”

  I hang up my phone once again then get back to my emails. After about an hour of correspondence, Bill walks into my office. He’s carrying a vase of assorted beautiful flowers in a tall blue vase. He sets them on the corner of my desk.

  “I’m sorry about your loss, Angelica.”

  “Thank you Bill, you didn’t have to do that.”

  “I know I didn’t, but everyone here pitched in. We won’t talk about it, but we just wanted you to know that we’re thinking about you.” He comes around my desk and I stand to hug him.

  “How did you know I’d be in the office today?”

  “Because this is you we’re talking about, you need the distraction.”

  “You know me well, Bill.” I hug him once more.

  “Okay, I’ll let you be, I’ll see you in the conference room for lunch today.” He smiles.

  “I’ll see you there.”

  Once Bill leaves my
office, I get lost in work and the morning goes by smoothly. Lunch is light, and we hold a meeting during it. We have a few return clients that we need to start working on. We divide the return clients and the new clients among the staff then we head off to start on everything. The day goes by quickly.

  After work, Joey calls and asks if I want to join him and Sammie for dinner, I politely decline. He tries to talk me into it, but eventually he gives up. I’m not much company right now and he knows it. I hang up and hail a taxi back home. Blake texts me and asks how my day was and I reply with a simple, “Fine.” He doesn’t text again. I change into pajamas the second I get home, wash my face and then go to bed.

  On waking the next morning I feel exhausted, I’m not sure why since I went to bed so early. Maybe I need to run, get back into sync with my body. I change into running clothes and make my way down the stairs. It’s odd not having Rodger waiting at the door for me to leash him. I take a few steadying breaths then head outside. I turn my Pandora station onto The Cranberries. I’m in the mood for somber music. ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis is playing, perfect. I listen to the words as I start to run, who could be the one to save me? Who is going to save me from myself? No one. I need to save myself; no one can make me happy except for me. If I want to get back to the place that I was at before my life went into the shitter, I need to get myself there. I know I can, I just need to focus. Losing track of where the hell I am running I end up way further than normal and completely out of breath. Walking to the curb and sitting with my head between my legs, my phone vibrates on my armband. I grab it to read the text. It’s Blake of course.

  Blake: I hope you have a great day Angelica.

  I respond immediately.

  Me: I will as soon as I make it back home.

  Wrong response, my phone rings immediately.

  “Blake, I’m fine.”

  “What did you mean by that text, Angelica?”

  “I accidently ran further than normal and I got winded.”

  “Where are you? Do you want me to pick you up?”

  “Hmm, I’m on a curb, I see a police station. I never knew there was a station over here. I'm all right, really. I just need to catch my breath then I’ll head back.”

  “Are you sure? I can be there in five minutes.”

  “Blake, I’m fine I’m getting up now. Relax.”

  “You’re a stubborn woman. You do know that, right?”

  “Yes, yes I do.” I laugh into the phone.

  “Well, at the least let me stay on the phone with you while you walk home.”

  “Who said anything about walking? I’m jogging back.”

  “Fine, then I’ll talk while you jog.”

  “Talk about stubborn,” I grumble into the phone. “Fine, listen to my panting breaths while I run.”

  “I would love to listen to your panting breaths under different circumstances.”

  “Pervert.” My voice is coming out in labored breaths. “I can’t run with you talking like that in my ear.”

  “I’m motivating you to run home faster if you have a need I’d be more than happy to alleviate it.”

  “Is that right?”

  “Oh yes, I’d be more than happy to be of service to you Angelica.”

  “Shut up Blake, you’re making me lose concentration, I’m going to run into a taxi!”

  “I’m sorry, Angelica. I’ll stop.” He sounds worried.

  “Blake you’re going to die of a stroke with the amount you worry.”

  “It would be worth it to die for you.”

  “Cheesy much? Plus, you can’t die then who will I talk to?”

  “So does that mean you want me around, Angelica?” he questions. Damn, I walked right into that one.

  “Perhaps it does.” I smile even though I know he can’t see me.

  “I’ll break down that wall one brick at a time, Angelica.”

  “You already have, Blake.”

  Neither of us speaks for a while. The only sounds are those of my labored breathing and my shoes hitting the sidewalk. I can see my brownstone in the distance and I also see Blake sitting on my steps with his phone to his ear.

  “Why are you on my steps, Blake?”

  He turns in my direction and smiles. He ends the call and puts his phone in his pocket. I pull my earbuds out of my ears as I near him.

  “Are you upset that I’m on your steps, Angelica?”

  “No.”

  “Good, will you let me in?”

  “You know I have to go to work, if I let you in you’ll make me late. Will you take me out for froyo tonight?”

  “It would be my pleasure.” He pecks me on the lips then pushes me toward the door. “In you go.”

  “Bye, Blake.” I smile at him.

  “Until later, Angelica.” He winks at me then heads to his waiting car.

  Heading inside, I shower quickly and get ready for work. Once I’m dressed, I head downstairs and start to go into the kitchen but stop in my tracks. I was going to feed Rodger, old habits die hard I suppose. Turning on my toes, I head out to work. Stopping for coffee first like always, I make my way through the longer-than-life line until I reach the register.

  “Hey Angelica, your order has been paid for,” Jill the barista tells me.

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously.” She smiles from ear to ear.

  “He’s a handsome one isn’t he?” I say to her.

  “Oh, yeah,” she replies with a small giggle.

  Thanking her I take my already paid for coffee and bagel and head to work. Saying my normal hellos to Charlie and Bill when I arrive at the office and I get straight to work. Around ten I finally have five minutes to myself and email Blake.

  Blake,

  Thank you for the coffee, you’re amazing you know that? It was a very sweet gesture. I’m sorry I couldn’t thank you sooner, but I’ve been swamped at work. I’ll see you tonight for froyo.

  Ang.

  xoxo

  His response comes almost immediately.

  Angelica,

  You’re very welcome. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. About tonight...would you mind terribly if I invited someone to join us? I’m passed due on my date night with her, and I thought this would be a great night for her to come out with us…

  Blake

  xoxo

  I smile at his email; he must be talking about his niece. He’s told me before that he takes his niece for frozen yogurt. He’s seriously too good to be true.

  Blake,

  I would love for your niece Gracie to join us. :)

  Ang

  xoxo

  Angelica,

  Thank you. Thank you for remembering her name, that means a lot to me. She’s truly going to love you, I just know it. I’ll be picking her up from her mother’s house at six. Can we pick you up around six thirty?

  Blake

  xoxo

  Blake,

  Yes, please. I can’t wait to meet her. Until then.

  Ang

  xoxo

  Ang,

  Until then, beautiful.

  B

  xoxo

  God, he’s perfect. Thanks to that last email, I have a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

  Hearing my door ring right at 6:30 a.m. I grab my purse off the bed and head down the stairs. I had just enough time to change into some jeans and an NYC sweatshirt. I threw my hair in a side braid and put on my Uggs. Grabbing my keys from the hall table, I hurry to open the door. On the other side stands Blake holding the hand of a beautiful little girl. She’s dressed in jeans with a coat and boots very similar to mine. Her long hair is even done in a side braid. I smile when I see her and kneel in front of her.

  “Hello Gracie, it’s very nice to meet you. I’m Angelica.” I smile at her.

  “Hi Angelica, my Uncle Blake told me all about you.” Looking up to him I squint my eyes.

  “Oh, has he now? I hope he’s told you good things,” I say to her.

&nb
sp; “He told me that you were very nice and beautiful.” She giggles when Blake clears his throat. “He told me that you love frozen yogurt like me,” she exclaims.

  “I do love it. It’s my most favorite food in the world.”

  “Me too!” She smiles at me then turns to Blake. “You were right, she is perfect.”

  Looking from her to him, I stand upright. He thinks I’m perfect? Far from it actually, but it gives me butterflies to think he’s told his niece that.

  “Perfect huh?” I nudge him with my shoulder.

  “Man, five-year-olds are horrible at keeping secrets.” We laugh together.

  I lock up the house then follow them down to Blake’s car. He helps to buckle Gracie in then we head off to Frozen Desserts. The drive there is spent talking about all the flavors of frozen yogurt we love, as well as the toppings. Gracie apparently loves anything green, mint is her favorite. Once I tell her I strongly dislike everything mint she informs me I’m crazy. Blake laughs. You have to love a child’s innocence. They will say anything that comes to mind.

  We arrive a short time later. Gracie is unbuckled before either of us and is ready to go. She comes out of my side of the car and holds her hand out for me to hold, smiling I clasp it tightly. Blake moves to her other side and she does the same to him. We both smile at each other as we all walk in hand-in-hand. The flavors change daily so we sample them all. Gracie picks mint with mint chips, I take cheesecake and chocolate with caramel cups and Blake gets vanilla with peanuts. We find a table in the corner and sit to enjoy our dessert. The night is spent laughing at Gracie’s jokes—I haven’t heard ‘knock knock’ jokes in years. I think she laughs harder at her own jokes than we do. Blake’s smile never leaves his face, I love it. Seeing the way he is with Gracie is a serious turn on. She isn’t even his, but he acts like the perfect father. What other bachelor uncle would take his niece on dates almost weekly? To top it off, he does it because he wants to not because he’s been asked. It’s amazing and it’s fucking hot. About halfway through our bowls of frozen yogurt Blake’s cell phone starts ringing. He checks the name then simply ignores it. Not thinking anything of it, we continue on with our jokes, her last one is by far the best.