Bad Will Hunting

by Heather Wardell

  MC nods and Kent says, “They left. I don’t know where they went.”

  “And I don’t care,” Summer says fiercely. “To hell, I hope. Both of them. She knew how I felt about him.” She squeezes her eyes shut, then rubs them like a sleepy child and smears her already tear-ruined makeup even more. “Well. Whatever. Sorry for wrecking your night.”

  Kent and MC say together that she didn’t, and Kent’s brother Ron steps forward and adds, “I can take you home if you want, Summer.”

  She nods. “Please.” Looking around at the rest of us, she says, “Sorry, guys.”

  We all echo that it isn’t her fault, and I wonder if anyone will tell her what I did with Aaron. I hope not. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was actually trying to help her, although that seems stupid now.

  As she and Ron walk away, an awkward silence falls. Then Sam clears his throat and says, “What about some coffee and then we call it a night?”

  Most of the others politely decline, but Kent and his high school friend and MC and Liv and her boyfriend agree. Sam turns to me directly. “I can take you home after if you’d like, or now if you don’t want to go.”

  But then he can’t go either. And more than that, I don’t want to be away from him. This might be the last time I get to see him. It’s only what I deserve. I can’t lose him yet. “After would be good, if you’re sure you don’t mind.”

  He nods, and the seven of us are soon at a nearby coffee shop. I just get another bottle of water, knowing I need the hydration, and we sit sipping our drinks for a few moments in silence before Kent says to MC, “Remember when you said we should do the joint party so it wouldn’t get too crazy?” with an amused irony in his voice.

  We all chuckle and she shakes her head. “Not at all what I expected,” she says, and her eyes flicker toward me. I tense, knowing I deserve whatever fury she chooses to dish out, but she says only, “And I can’t believe Aaron was that much of a jerk. Going after every woman he could to mess with Summer. And then calling her out in front of everyone?”

  The others agree, and I sit wondering if I have the nerve to apologize to them all for my behavior.

  As I decide I don’t, MC says to me, “And are you okay?”

  Is that sympathy in her voice? It can’t be. I don’t deserve any. She should hate me. “No. I’m awful. I’m so sorry.”

  Sam takes a breath but MC speaks before he can. “I didn’t mean that. I...” She turns to the guys. “Could you give us a second?”

  They get up at once, Sam gently patting my shoulder before following the others outside, and as my eyes fill with tears I say, “Sorry. Sorry! I’m ruining everything, again.”

  “You’re not.” She leans in. “Look. Aaron is a sexy monster.”

  A startled giggle bursts from me, pushing its way through the sadness.

  Liv laughs too, and MC says, her cheeks reddening, “I know, but he is. Both parts. The first night on the island he hit me with that ‘touch your cheek’ thing he does and I damn near gave it up to him right there. Even knowing we were on camera! He’s good at it and he knows it and he uses it. So I get it. He gets what he wants, and he wanted, unfortunately, to use you guys to make her jealous. When you took off he went after Kia right away.”

  “Yeah,” I say, feeling stupid yet again at what I tried to do. “I figured that.”

  She shakes her head. “I love the guy, you know that, but he can be such an ass. Just because Summer won’t--” She bites her lip. “Never mind.”

  “We all heard,” Liv says, “when he yelled at her.”

  I didn’t, but I know anyhow, from Sam.

  MC sighs. “Okay, I suppose it’s hardly a secret any more. Summer won’t sleep with him because she doesn’t believe in sex outside of marriage. And it’s not like he’s getting married any time soon. Or ever.”

  “But on the island she said...”

  MC nods at me. “I know. She talked about how great sex is, but did she ever say she was having it? Other than when she was with Kent?”

  I shake my head slowly, trying to remember if she had. Giving up since my alcohol-abused brain isn’t cooperating, I say, “I remember her saying she loves sex. Loud and clear.”

  MC gives a short laugh. “Yeah, at that etiquette lunch. Then Aaron proposed to her.” She sobers. “But she means it, apparently, that she won’t do it without being married to the guy. And Aaron is the poster boy for never getting married. So...”

  So he set out to make her jealous and make her change her mind. “Ah.”

  “Yeah. And maybe it would have been better if you hadn’t... but Summer didn’t see and honestly I think it wouldn’t have bothered her as much since you haven’t heard all about her relationship with him like Kia has. I blame it all on Aaron.”

  I don’t. I blame it on me and my desire for revenge, which I’m starting to think might be out of hand. But at least I didn’t deliberately set out to hurt Summer. Aaron did.

  But I did set out to hurt him. Why? What’s he to me?

  We sit for a second then MC says shyly, “So I ask again. Are you okay?”

  No, but I do feel better, so I nod.

  She smiles at me. “I’m glad.” Then she turns and waves at the guys and mouths, “You can come back now.”

  As they take their chairs again Liv says, “So does Summer’s trouble with Aaron explain why she’s been weird lately? With the limo and all that? And with adding those extra frills to your dress?”

  MC frowns. “It doesn’t, actually.” To me she says, “She’s making my dress because I couldn’t find one I liked, and it is pretty but she keeps fluffing it up way more than I want. She takes the stuff off when I say to but the next time I see the dress she’s fluffed it up again. I guess she just figures a wedding dress should be super fancy. That’s no big deal, but the limo thing... she recommended a limo company for us, and once we’d booked it she went nuts and told us to cancel.” She turns to Kent. “Any idea on that one?”

  “Nope. And she wouldn’t discuss it. Insisted I call around to find someone else, though, and even offered to pay the deposit so we wouldn’t be out the money from cancelling. But since it’s Valentine’s weekend I couldn’t find a replacement. But yeah, she’s still upset about it. Same deal as with the videographer. We hired the guy she recommended then she freaked out about it. It’s weird.”

  We all nod, and I wonder whether MC’s bothered by the fact that Summer surrendered the virginity that clearly matters to her to Kent. That’s a bond they’ll share forever, and I can’t imagine I’d want my husband, if I ever had one, still spending time with someone with whom he’d connected in that way.

  “Are you okay?” Sam says. I look up, touched, but he’s not talking to me.

  MC sighs. “Yeah. I guess. I wanted a nice peaceful night, and that didn’t happen, and now I’m worried about the wedding. Summer and Aaron are supposed to be paired up coming back down the aisle but I kind of doubt she’s going to want to do that.”

  We all nod, and I try to hide how annoyed I am that Sam is so concerned about MC. Is he still in love with her? I don’t want him to be.

  “Ashley?”

  I blink, confused. “Sorry?”

  Kent smiles at me. “No worries. Just checking whether you got your reading for the wedding.”

  I nod. I was surprised to receive it, since part of me is still expecting MC to punish me for my stupid comment to that reporter at the reunion show. I would have punished her. “Came through just before I left tonight. I promise I won’t screw it up.”

  I wanted to sound like I was joking but as the words came out they didn’t sound that way and I realize I mean it. MC’s not punishing me and she could, and I feel like she’s granting me something I don’t deserve. She’s granting me forgiveness and I don’t want to hurt her in return. Yes, I am afraid I’ll butcher the reading, like I’ve butchered everything else in my life.

  Kent raises his eyebrows. “Never once crossed my mind that you would. With how you were on t
he island? I was so impressed with you. Why do you think I kept you to the very end?”

  I choke on my water. When I can talk again I say, “I have no idea. Why? Because you pitied me?”

  MC takes a sharp breath, Sam leans forward like he wants to do something, and Kent says, “Not at all. I felt bad for you, of course. Losing your cousin like that. We all did. I didn’t pity you, though. I admired you. Even being upset, you worked so hard. You, well, you might not always have been the friendliest person.” He smiles at me, taking away any sting there might have been in his words although I know ‘not friendly’ is a mild term for how grumpy I was. “But we knew you weren’t upset with us, and you just never stopped. That shelter was mostly you, the fishing was all you, and you gave everything you had at every challenge.”

  He stops, and I know we’re both remembering the one where I didn’t. None of us did, except for Summer, because we were mad at Kent for losing his focus when MC fell. I spent ages after that plotting my revenge on him, and even more ages after he threw the final contest for her.

  And in the end the two of them split their winnings with all of us. If I had actually managed to find a way to get revenge, I’d have been so wrong. Neither of them deserved the anger I sent their way.

  “Nearly every challenge,” he says, with a wry smile. “But still. And if I’d wondered if I did the right thing, which I didn’t wonder at all, I’d have known for sure when you stood up for us at the reunion show.”

  My throat tightens. It wasn’t for Kent and MC, it was against the producers. Why is everything I do driven by revenge? I don’t want to be like that.

  Do I?

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  After we’ve all finished our drinks, and the cookies I bought everyone because I feel bad about ruining their night even though they insist I didn’t, MC yawns and says, “Well, this part ended up being better than the party, but I think I’m done.”

  Sam smiles at her. “When the bride’s done, the party’s over. I hope at least some of it went how you wanted?”

  Her answering smile is sad, and he leans over and wraps his arm around her shoulders. She turns in and hugs him, and he whispers something that makes her laugh. Then she burrows into him and he rubs her back for a moment.

  I can’t help glancing at Kent. He looks unconcerned.

  Well, I’m concerned. Is this her game? Pretend to be my friend and then go after Sam?

  But that doesn’t make any sense. She could just go after him. What does she need with me?

  What does anyone need with me?

  I sigh, so tired of always wondering what horrible motives people have for their actions, and Sam pulls back from MC and says, “Yeah, we should call it a night, I guess.” He fishes in his pocket. “Mint, anyone?”

  I take one, in case he’s offering it because my breath still stinks of what I did at the bar, and so do a few others. He gets himself one then puts the pack away and turns to me. “Ready to go?”

  I get up, and so does everyone else, and in a few minutes we’ve said our goodbyes on the sidewalk and Sam is driving me toward my apartment. On the way, though, he slows down near a little park and says, “Do you need to go home or would you maybe want to walk for a bit?”

  My stomach churns again. I know why he wants to stay with me. He wants to tell me off for what I did with Aaron.

  Well, it’s going to happen eventually, so I might as well suck it up now. “I can walk.”

  He pulls into the parking lot without a word, and we’re soon walking in silence along the stone path.

  I want to ask him about MC, about whether he still loves her, but before I can find any words he says softly, “Why did you do it?”

  For a second I consider playing innocent, but I know what he’s asking and I don’t have it in me to play tonight. “I wanted revenge.”

  “Why?”

  I sigh. “It made sense at the time, Sam. That’s all I can say.”

  “Could you try saying a bit more?”

  He doesn’t sound angry, but he’s so intense it makes me shiver. Me kissing Aaron upset him. What does that mean? “I...” I sigh again. “He was an ass to Summer, and that pissed me off. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.”

  Sam stops walking and steps in front of me. “I don’t get it, Ashley. I want to but I don’t. Why did you even feel like you needed to get involved?”

  My mind flashes me a clear picture of the reunion show after-party when Aaron looked over my shoulder and went off to Summer. My heart clenches and my eyes fill. Is that why? He didn’t have any interest in me then, so tonight I wanted to make him feel the same way I felt, useless and rejected? Have I been carrying that one stupid incident all this time, just waiting for my chance to get back at him?

  Of course I have. Like I’ve carried Will and the producers and everyone else who’s ever done me even the tiniest bit of wrong. I carry it all. No wonder I feel so tired all the time. I’m dragging every bad thing that ever happened to me everywhere I go.

  Sam puts his hand on my shoulder. “Ashley? Talk to me.”

  “Everybody hurts me,” I mumble, swiping at the tears that have started to fall. “Everybody. I try to get them back but when I get one three more hurt me and I can’t... it’s just...”

  I give up and cry, and Sam pulls me into his arms. “It’s okay. Come here, it’s okay.”

  It’s not. All I’ve got is my pursuit of revenge. I’m hating it now, but what am I if I give it up? How could I ever give it up? I’d be letting everyone walk all over me. I can’t do that.

  But I’m not sure I can go on this way either.

  Sam holds me tight, and I start to calm down, but then he rubs my back the same way he did MC’s and I push away from him and say, “And what’s the deal with you and MC? All that hugging and back-rubbing and crap. You still in love with her?”

  “Not like you think,” he says, “but I guess on some level--”

  I don’t wait to hear the rest of his sentence. I can’t. I thought maybe he was interested in me but of course not. Nobody ever is. I turn and run down the path.

  “Ashley!”

  I don’t stop. I won’t. I can’t.

  But I also can’t outrun Sam, as it turns out. I hear his heavy footfalls behind me, getting closer and closer, then he gasps, “Ouch,” but keeps coming and I realize this must be hurting his ankle and stop before I know I’m going to.

  He moves up behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “Thanks for stopping.”

  “Are you okay?” I say, feeling horrible for hurting him.

  He pulls me back against him, crossing his arms over my collarbones, and I close my eyes and lean into him because I need his support.

  “I am now. Ashley, look. Yeah, MC’s special to me. But it’s not like you think. It’s because...” He sighs. “Back then, when we were together, I thought everything would always be perfect. We were young and in love and everything was new and exciting. And when I look at her I see that. And I kind of like it.”

  “But,” I say, remembering a challenge on the island after he left, “she cheated on you. She admitted it to everyone.”

  He takes a deep breath, his expanding chest pushing me away, then cuddles me closer as he breathes out. “Yeah. I know. She apologized to me on the island, but she did do it. And that part sucks. And of course I’ve got ample experience lately to know that people lie and cheat and do bad things. But it still feels good to remember a time when I didn’t know that from experience. It makes me feel better about now. Less hurt. Less angry.”

  I spin around to face him, surprised. “You get angry?”

  “My girlfriend had someone else’s baby, my best friend’s baby, and told me it was mine,” he says with a bitter smile. “And the job I love got all messed up as a result. And I’ve got a big-ass tattoo commemorating that joyous event. Yeah, of course I get angry. All the time.”

  “But you don’t even seem to care,” I say, confused and shocked by this new inf
ormation. If he’s angry like me, why isn’t he after revenge like me? “You’re all ‘can’t prejudice you against Eric’ and all that. How can you do that?”

  Looking deep into my eyes, he says, “Because... because I think the other way tears you apart. Don’t you?”

  My eyes well up again, and he takes my face in both hands. “They did me wrong, yes. But letting them ruin the rest of my life just lets them do even more wrong. The best thing I can do is look on the good side and try not to see the bad.”

  All I see is bad. Everywhere I look. A tear slides down my cheek, and he brushes it away with his thumb as I say, “People always leave me. Always. They hurt me and they leave me. There’s only bad.”

  Sam takes care of another tear then says, his voice rough, “Am I bad?”

  I shake my head within his hands. “But... things go wrong....”

  “Ashley.” He draws me closer. “Don’t you know how I feel about you?”

  I can see it in his eyes, and the warmth of it melts the ice around my heart, but I can’t quite believe him. “You won’t. Not always. And if you don’t...”

  I can’t say that I’d have to get revenge on him, because the idea of that makes me feel sick, but I think he knows what I mean because he says, “I’d never do anything to hurt you.” He moves even closer. “Do you see how I feel? Right now, do you see it? And more importantly, do you feel anything for me?”

  “Yeah,” I say softly. “Yeah to all of it. But I’m a mess, Sam. You don’t want someone like me.”

  “You aren’t. Not even close. You’ve had a rough time, and maybe you didn’t make all the best choices, but you’re not a mess. You’re someone trying to figure out who and what she wants to be after a disaster, and I get that because I’m the same way.”

  Except that he doesn’t throw fits and try for petty revenge. “But...”

  “No but.” His lips are almost touching mine. “Don’t give up on us, decide we’re doomed, before we even get started.” He draws back a tiny bit, clears his throat, and says in an adorably awkward way, “Unless you don’t... unless I’m not...”

  Oh, he is, and I do. Totally. If I hadn’t been so desperate to chase down Will I’d have seen it ages ago. Sam is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I want us to be so much more than friends. I smile, because I can’t not, and move toward him.