by B. B. Hamel
That was who I was. I was a fucking killer and I’d never pretended otherwise. If Emma forgot about that, well I couldn’t fucking help it.
“So I guess you can go take your promotion.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know what bullshit Louisa fed you about me, but she doesn’t know me. She’s a smart person and she watches people, but she doesn’t know everything.”
“What doesn’t she know?” Emma asked, and I heard a hint of desperation in her voice.
But I couldn’t grab on to it. “She doesn’t fucking know a damn thing.” I walked over to the door. After everything that had happened between us, Emma thought I was betraying her. She thought that I’d kept her around just because I wanted to use her like some sort of slave.
After all the death and the danger, after getting shot, she still didn’t trust me.
That pissed me off the most. I had holes in my body. I had killed for her. And now Louisa comes along, poisoning her against me.
“I’m leaving,” I said.
“Fine,” she answered. “Do what you need to do.”
“You’re making a mistake,” I said to her, “but I can’t stop you anymore. You’re free, Emma. You’re totally free.”
I turned the doorknob and left the room.
As I stormed through the hallways, walking without direction, I had a deep, sinking feeling in my chest.
I’d made the wrong choice back there.
Somehow something had just happened, some pivotal moment. Emma had seemed like she needed something from me, but I just wasn’t able to give it to her, not in that moment. I didn’t have it within me.
But I also needed something from her. I needed her trust. She’d seen enough, heard enough. She fucking knew me well enough to know that I wasn’t just going to throw her under the bus for some fucking bullshit promotion.
Too late for all this now, though. I had already left, and she had already made up her mind. Whatever Louisa had offered her was better than what I could give, and that had to be the end of that.
I felt like I was losing something, and I didn’t really understand why. I could turn back and explain to her. I could tell her that everything I’d done since meeting her was only to keep her safe, and that I’d never betray her no matter what. I could tell her that I wasn’t even sure I wanted to take the damn promotion.
But the farther away from the room I got, the further away from Emma I felt. And I was just too damn far away now, too fucking far away to turn back.
I was a killer. I would always be a killer. Emma wanted to be free, and she couldn’t be free with a man like me keeping her down. For her sake, for my own sake, I had to just keep walking, keep walking through these halls. I had to keep moving forward.
26
Emma
Watching Brooks go hurt me more than I’d thought it would.
I knew there was something there between us. That was undeniable. I felt it every time he looked at me, every time he came near. It was more than just physical; it was emotional, it was intense. But I didn’t know what the thing was, not really, and maybe I never would.
Maybe it was just because he had saved me that night. Maybe it was just because he was the first man, the best man, to ever really want me that way. But no matter what it was, he had left in that moment, and I felt like something had changed between us.
I slowly got dressed. Suddenly the wealth of everything around me was tainted, not just by what Louisa had told me, but also by Brooks leaving. I didn’t know where he was going or if he would be back, but he’d told me that I was free. Maybe that meant he really wasn’t going to return.
I put my old clothes on, and they felt loose and dirty, but they were all I had. I didn’t care, though, since I had more important things to worry about than whether or not I looked cute. Once I was dressed, I left the room, making sure to grab my key card on the way out.
I wandered the halls, not really thinking about where I was going. It didn’t matter considering I didn’t know where anything was either way. All I knew was that I wanted to get out of that apartment and try to forget about whatever had just happened between me and Brooks.
As I walked, I felt fear creeping in along the edges of my mind. For the first time, I really was free. It was the one thing I’d yearned for my whole life, to finally be out from under the control of men like my father. Brooks had promised to give me that freedom, and in a lot of ways he had delivered.
I was on my own. I had a choice to make, a choice that Brooks couldn’t influence. He wasn’t in control anymore, and I could go my own way if that was what I really wanted.
But was joining the Spiders a good idea? They were violent killers, although they killed for a good cause. Still, I saw those women fighters back at the compound. Could I become like that?
Questions, so many questions. They swirled around my mind, biting at the edges, making me second-guess everything I was doing.
I was so lost and confused in my own mind as I stumbled along the hallways that I didn’t even realize it when I ended up at a dead end.
I sighed and looked out the window. I could see green grass rolling along, perfectly manicured and beautiful. It was almost easy to forget that everything I could see belonged to very violent, very dangerous people.
As I turned to leave, one of the doors opened and a young, pretty woman stepped out.
She looked at me and smiled. “Hi there,” she said.
“Hi,” I answered, surprised. Everyone else had just ignored me.
“Surprised that I’m talking to you?” the girl asked.
“Actually, I am,” I said, laughing. “Everyone here seems so busy.”
“I’m Kaley.”
“I’m Emma.”
“Don’t worry about most people here, Emma. Everyone pretends to be important, but the truth is nobody really knows what they’re doing.”
I laughed. “Thanks. That makes me feel better actually.”
“Are you someone’s wife?” she asked me.
I shook my head. “No. Not at all. I guess I’m Louisa Barone’s guest now.”
She cocked an eyebrow. “Really?”
I nodded. “I came in with someone else, but I guess she’s taking me in.”
“Really?” she asked again, smiling. “Louisa Barone?”
I laughed again. “Yeah, Louisa Barone.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve never really seen her take to anyone. I mean, except for Natalie, but they’re sisters-in-law.”
“Do you know Louisa?”
“Sure, I know her,” Kaley said, laughing. “She’s a strange one. We’ve become friends though, I think.”
“Hard to read, right?”
“Very hard to read. The trick is, you can’t assume that she’s a normal human being.”
“That seems like good advice.”
“Trust me, it is. Lou operates on her own level.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.” Kaley smiled and leaned up against the wall.
“If you’re busy, you can totally go.”
“No. I was just going for a walk actually. Fire away.”
“Is Louisa a good person?”
She smiled and laughed. “What a weird question.”
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just hard to tell here.”
“Complicated, right? On the one hand, we love these people. But on the other, they are criminals. I guess I’m not supposed to say that, but, come on, we all know it.”
I laughed. “Do people pretend like this isn’t the mafia?”
She made a face. “Oh, absolutely. You’re not a cop, are you?”
“Not even a little bit.”
“Good. But coming back to your question, it’s tough to say. I do think most of the people here mean well, but a lot of the things they do to make money is difficult to swallow.”
“How do you handle it?”
“I just trust my husband. His name is Vince Mori. He’s one of t
he captains.”
“Oh,” I said, nodding. “I know that name. My father used to be . . . someone, I guess.”
“Vince, he’s someone all right. I don’t always agree with what he does, but I know he has his reasons and I trust him. That’s all it is for me.”
“So what about Louisa?”
“She’s different, of course. She’s not part of the organization, but she’s still part of the family. I think she has an incredibly good heart and wants to help everyone around her, but she doesn’t always go about it the right way. She goes about it her way, but sometimes that way is a little extreme.”
“You sound like you’re speaking from experience.”
She smiled. “I suppose I am.”
“Will you tell me about it?”
“Maybe another time,” she said. “I’m going to get going. What was your name again?”
“Emma. Emma Karsov.”
“Well, Emma Karsov, it was nice to meet you. I’m Kaley Mori.” We shook hands. “Don’t get too lost. This place is like a giant maze.”
“Thanks. I’m finding that out.”
She waved and headed off, disappearing around the corner.
I stood there and watched her go, still conflicted. I felt like that conversation hadn’t fixed anything, and really it only made me more torn.
She was right that the methods by which these people did things were sometimes difficult to understand. They broke laws, they hurt people, and they even killed people. Louisa was no different. She did what she thought was right, even if that was a really hard choice.
I didn’t know if I could fit into that group. I didn’t know if I could do the hard things, if I could pull that trigger, if I could risk my life. I thought I had it within me, but I was a normal, regular person before all of this. I’d never shot a gun in my life, let alone shot to kill someone.
I didn’t know if I could stomach it. I didn’t know if I could live up to what Louisa wanted from me.
I began walking again, trying to empty my mind but finding it completely impossible. I kept coming back to Brooks and Louisa, Brooks and Louisa. Neither of them were lying to me, or maybe they both were, or maybe I just didn’t understand a single thing about this world.
Eventually I ended up outside and walked along the green grass. I took my shoes and socks off and felt the grass between my toes. I felt all alone out in the open fields around the mansion, although I was probably being watched by someone. Still, it was peaceful and it felt nice.
I sat down next to a tree eventually, leaning against the trunk, my feet in the soft dirt. I shut my eyes, trying to get a better feel for what I wanted, and slowly I drifted off to sleep.
When I woke up, the sun was already setting.
I couldn’t believe I’d slept for so long. It must have been hours, just sitting out in the beautiful shade underneath a large tree. I couldn’t believe nobody had bothered me, but apparently the Barone mansion was a paradise or something like that. I’d never slept outdoors like that before, all alone underneath a large tree, but I felt better as I stood up.
I felt like I could figure out what I wanted. I had the urge to talk to Brooks, to understand him. Maybe if he could explain to me what was happening, if he could explain why he didn’t trust Louisa and why he was thinking about taking the promotion, maybe then I could understand.
I headed back into the compound. It took me a few minutes to finally find our hallway, but I felt good and strong as I walked toward our door. I swiped my card, unlocked the door, and pushed it open.
“Brooks?” I called out.
But I got only silence in return.
He wasn’t here. I didn’t know where he was, but maybe he hadn’t come back. I went into the bedroom, but there was no sign of him at all. It wasn’t like we had much stuff anyway, but the bed was made and things were straightened up.
It was almost like he had never been in there at all.
I went back out into the main room, frowning. Maybe I could call the front desk and someone could find him for me. Maybe he was just still out walking around, getting himself together.
Instead, as I went to grab the receiver, the phone started ringing.
Hesitantly, I picked it up. “Hello?”
“Have you thought about what I said?”
It was Louisa. I was thoroughly taken off guard. “I have,” I said.
“And?”
“I still don’t know. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”
There was a short silence. “When I started this, I was nothing,” Louisa said. “When I tell you that I want to give power to the powerless, I don’t just mean the women I save from slavery. I also mean the women I recruit to work with me.”
“Is this how you do it? How you recruit your fighters?”
“You don’t have to be a fighter, Emma,” she said, laughing. “Is that what you thought?”
“It was,” I admitted. “I’m not sure I’d be good at it.”
“Emma, I work with the strengths of the people in my organization. If you’re not a fighter, we’ll find somewhere else for you. Besides, that was never what I wanted from you.”
“What did you want?”
“I want you to work with the girls, talk to them, make them understand where they are and what they’re doing. Transitioning from their old life to their new life can be difficult, and I think you can help with that.”
I found myself nodding along. Maybe that was what I needed to do. It sounded right, like something important.
“I wouldn’t have to kill?”
“You wouldn’t have to do anything you didn’t want to do.”
“I need to consider this more, Louisa.”
“Okay. One more thing. Brooks is gone.”
“What?”
“He left about an hour ago. I don’t know where he’s going, and I’m not tracking him. As far as I’m concerned, we’re going separate ways.”
I bit my lip, so confused and angry. “He left the mansion?”
“He did. Think about it, Emma.”
Louisa hung up.
I put my receiver down slowly.
Where the hell was he going and why had he left me here without even a note? We’d had a fight, or something like a fight, but I didn’t feel like he and I were totally finished yet. Maybe at the time it had seemed that way, but it didn’t have to be.
Still, if Louisa was telling the truth, then he was gone. I was left alone in this room.
I was totally free. And suddenly, without Brooks, freedom seemed absolutely terrifying. I wanted him to come back, and I wanted to join Louisa, and I wanted it all to make sense.
Freedom wasn’t easy. It was up to me to decide what was right, and nobody else could do that for me.
27
Brooks
My anger ebbed and faded as I slowly walked the hallways, thinking over the massive choice I had hovering before me.
The more I thought about it, the more I was sure that if it weren’t for Emma, I wouldn’t even hesitate to take this promotion. It was true that I disliked the mafia’s involvement in human trafficking and felt like that whole aspect of their business was actually very wrong and disgusting, but it was possible to love a thing without loving every single part of it. The fucking mafia was strength and power and wealth, and that was what I wanted. Plus, they’d taken me in and brought me up, and that shit counted for a lot.
I was a loyal man. I wanted money and power, but I also took my oaths seriously. When I joined the mafia, I made a promise never to fucking betray them. I wasn’t a rat and I wasn’t a coward.
But Emma made me see that there was more to the world than just the mafia. I never saw much more than that for me, and I was happy killing and stalking my victims. I was good at what I did, and the power the mafia gave me was enough.
Maybe not anymore, though. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like there had to be more important things than just fucking murdering men for the mafia.
I
headed back toward the apartment, wanting to tell her that. I wanted to tell her everything, every single word. I wanted her to understand that I couldn’t decide what I wanted because I was torn between the life I knew and the life that was possible. She was the only reason I was even thinking about this, even considering turning down this promotion. I didn’t know if I’d stay with the mafia or what, but I did know that I couldn’t be with Emma and become a captain in this organization that did things she despised.
I’d never felt like this about someone before. Normally I fucked a girl and then left her the next morning, never bothering to get her number again. I was a killer and didn’t have time to get involved with someone. But Emma was different for some reason. She attracted me toward her, pulled me into her orbit. It was the sort of feeling that rose up, quiet and wave-like, until one day it broke across your body and you were nothing without it.
That sort of feeling defined you, became who you were. I was a killer, but I was also a man who wanted Emma more than I could actually explain. It was fucking maddening.
I got back to the apartment and unlocked the door.
“Emma?” I called out as I got inside.
The place was empty. I didn’t know what I expected, but I was disappointed. I wanted her to understand where I was and what I was thinking, but she was gone.
And there was still one problem hanging above all of this.
Dante was still out there, and he knew all about Emma. Gian wanted him taken care of, but that didn’t mean he still couldn’t be a problem for me right now. Dante commanded the loyalty and respect of many men, most of who would follow him into war if needed.
Standing in that room, the memory of Emma’s body still fresh in my mind, I couldn’t help but know what my next move had to be.
I couldn’t hesitate and I couldn’t hold back, not if I wanted all of this to be over, truly fucking over. Not if I wanted Emma to be safe.
In the end, all this bullshit aside, all this stress and anger forgotten, in the end my only goal was to keep Emma safe. Shit had gotten so out of bounds, so far beyond what I had ever imagined was going to happen, that maybe I’d lost sight of what I wanted.
